I initially planned this to be a one shot with no plot, or story to continue it because I had no clue where Bioware was going with the story after Shadow of Revan. Thankfully they did take it somewhere, and my story was able to follow along . I hope you all enjoy.

Disclaimer: Contains m/m romance between male Imperial agent and Theron Shan. Not your cup of tea, then the back button is all yours .

After Lana and Theron parted ways, Theron looked at Crimsèn and smiled bitterly. "What a ride, huh? If you'd told me when we met all the ups and downs we'd go through together, I'd have called you crazy," he says and then says lightly, "Maybe I called you crazy anyway. I don't remember anymore. Between all my family fun with Revan and the Grand Master, and then, well, you..."

Crimsèn cuts in and asked gently, "Care to finish that thought?"

Theron replied, "I won't lie: You've been one of the two real bright spots in all of this."

"Two," Crimsèn asks, "What do you mean?"

Theron said sadly, "Well, look, there isn't any easy way to say this, but... I mean, we both knew this would have to end eventually... The Republic exonerated me, so I'm back in the fold. And they gave me a new job A big one."

Crimsèn replied then, "I guess I can see where this is leading..."

Theron nods. He says sadly, "Soon as we rejoin the fleet and make the jump to light-speed, that's it. No more truce. You and I, we probably won't exchange another word ever again."

Crimsèn replies, "Who needs words," before pulling Theron into his arms and kissing him in the darkness of Yavin IV's jungles. Then... they simply parted ways.

***

Crimsèn's POV

Cold. I am shivering.

My ship is so cold. It wasn't when I first arrived on Yavin IV many weeks ago. Why is it cold now? It was in the middle of a jungle. I shouldn't be shivering, never mind putting a thicker shirt under my jacket. I hate covering myself up. I worked hard in training to get the figure I have, why not show it off a little?

I look at myself in the mirror. It causes me to pause: Who is this person looking back at me?

A tall, muscular Sith pureblood standing in his quarters on the Phantom Ship is looking back at me. His rifle is behind him, and out the door are reports and fresh orders from Lana Beniko, Sith Intelligence's new head. Time for duty and normal life, not personal reflection.

Yet, don't know who I'm looking at. How can I not know who I am? Have I forgotten? How could I forget that I am Cipher 8? The outer appearance of a Sith hides the inner workings of one of the Sith Empire's elite infiltrators. I have no room for the whims of passion and power. Discipline, focus, and precision rule the Cipher Agent. Whether it is to the people of Rishi as the leader of the Howling Tempest Gang, or hiding in plain sight on Coruscant, I trace the line between truth and treachery. Love is used as a tool in order to get to gain information, get at the right target.

That is why I am here cold and alone, and Theron Shan is back with the SIS. Yes, I am Cipher 8. Romance between myself and one of the enemy is a means to an end, not a blossoming love. Yes, I am Cipher 8 and Theron Shan was a nice thought at the end of the day.

I still don't know who I am. I lean towards the mirror and focus on myself. "I couldn't just talk him into staying as he and I are both going our separate ways," I explain to my reflection in the mirror, “I am a Cipher and he's an SIS agent. There is no fling, and there is no romance.”

A realization dawns: I don't really believe that. If I did I would not be looking at a stranger in the mirror. I would not feel the tingle on my lips where his lips were not even 30 minutes ago. I would not be cold on a warm ship thinking about how good and warm he felt in my arms on Rishi and Yavin. I would not be wishing I could be seeing his smile, hear his laughter, and preparing for another joke. Now he's gone. He told me the relationship had to end, and I agreed with him. We kissed and then parted ways.

Yet even as I agreed with him and ended the relationship. I knew I was lying about my true feelings. Even as we spoke, a part of me wanted to say something very different. The part that is not Cipher 8, but the man. How are they different? The Cipher Agent loves so he can gather what he needs. The man loves because he does not want to be cold anymore.

Crimsèn Hevilas is my name. I became an Imperial Agent when I was eighteen. It was the best course of action for me after I stripped myself of the force three years prior. No, I will not go into the details of my choice beyond I was escaping an abusive situation that would have resulted in my death if my sexual orientation was revealed.

I am a Sith Pureblood who has done well as a Cipher Agent in spite of all odds. Check my service records and one will find I was able to ensure Havoc Squad's defection, our troops infiltration to areas of Coruscant like the Justicar territory, and the ruins of the Jedi Temple, and most recently I was able to stop the Revanite Threat.

I look in the mirror and whisper words I am saying too late for them to mean anything: “I'm a terrible Sith Agent: I love you, Theron Shan. I left my heart open. I let you glimpse behind the agent to see the man. And I let you go…”

No wonder I don't know who the mirror shows. Am I looking at Cipher 8 or am I looking at Crimsèn? “Cipher 8 and Crimsèn are the same, aren’t they? Cipher 8 is my title, but I am the one pulling the trigger. I am the one who let it become a different entity within me. And in that entity I let Theron walk away… How can I love him?!”

I lean my forehead against the mirror and sob a little. “How could I fall in love with him? We are on opposite factions, and share different views. He knew that, I know that.”

More lies. I breath in through my nostrils and speak real words for a change: “Faction differences do not sweep away our similarities. Sith Intelligence, SIS... We're both spies at the end of the day! And we are spies that broke away from expectations: His mother is the Grand Master of the Jedi Order! Whatever his reasons, he walked away from the life of a Jedi. Similarly, I walked away from the life of a trained Sith. We shirked familial expectations to follow our own path.”

I sink to the ground as my façade collapses around me. I hold my hand to my heart- It is a miracle it is still there after years. Crimsèn Hevilas may have found his soulmate, but as Cipher 8 Crimsèn sent Theron Shan packing. And why? The Almighty Factions commanded the good Cipher to. Factions that are irrelevant right now, as our former Emperor sees the Republic and Empire as a giant feast for him to consume.

This is stupid. Theron is gone now, and I doubt we will ever speak again. Because I was foolish. I cannot afford to wallow in it. I need to get back to work. Sith Intelligence needs me!

Slowly, I get up. I head out of my room as thoughts ruminate out loud: “Why did I not fight for you, Theron? If only I had fought more, and showed you I did not care about factional divides. Maybe I should have tried to convince Master Shan and Darth Marr that now is not the time for war when we have too big of a common enemy? Why did I not tell Theron we could have stayed together and met on neutral worlds?”

I need a drink. I rummage through the tiny fridge and grab some bloodwine. I yank off the cork and just start drinking. It was all I could do to numb the pain. Numb my desires...

I was a coward back on Yavin IV, who would rather be the good Cipher 8 than the real Crimsèn Hevilas. Do I know who that is anymore? Do I know who I am anymore?

I think I do. I remember back through our shared history: I think Theron was the first time I genuinely flirted with a man. No plotting, no deception, and no ulterior motives.

He was cute and I flirted with him. It was refreshing. It was as if the first lock to the real man was unlocked. And then it was another flirt, and another. And then we spoke alone on Rishi. That conversation... For a brief moment I think the faction walls were opened and we were just two men. Although Theron liked to keep reminding us the walls were there. I wonder- Was he reminding me or reminding himself?

Then we kissed. His lips were warm and firm, like him. Yet gentle and loose, like him. It felt good. I felt his heart beating against mine, and his hands on my back. And when we parted on Yavin... He said I was a bright spot during the conversation- a bright spot. And I let him go because Crimsèn Hevilas is the good Cipher 8 at the end of the day.

I do not want to be the Cipher Agent anymore. I have done my time with Intelligence, and it robbed me of who I want the most. Therefore, I will rob it of what it wants the most: No more Cipher, no more locking my feelings away, no more deception behind a casual flirt.

Unfortunately, I have to pretend to be a Cipher for a little bit longer. I'm still in Sith intelligence and stuck with Lana Beniko. Though it will not be forever. I will bide my time and wait until the right moment to put my Cipher title aside and allow myself to be a man. Perhaps at the end of such a path, I will find Theron? Until then...

I turn to HK-51: "HK-51, set a course to Dromund Kaas. Sith Intelligence awaits rebuilding."

Chapter 1 Part 2: Ziost

breaking chapter 1 up, because in word it ended up being 20 pages long... That's a lot for you all to read in one post lol

cover image: Crim and Theron on Ziost

The former Cipher 8 couldn’t help but look at his companion underneath the dome with some fondness. Deep fondness. He was with Theron Shan again, a man he still cared for. Deeply. It’s just unfortunate they’re meeting at the end of a world. Ziost is never a good place to meet people, truthfully.

He says in a soft voice, “I… I thought we’d never meet again. It’s nice to be wrong.”

Theron smiled a little at that despite his injuries. He looked down and nodded in agreement: “Despite all the awfulness on Yavin IV, it did have its moments.”

So does Ziost, but like Yavin, moments on Ziost do not last. The Sith Emperor had other ideas than allowing for a pleasant reunion. Darth Vitiate has an entire planet to devour, and he did not let a couple of spies get in his way…

***

Ziost was a lovely planet. I was trained on Ziost. Oh yes, Intelligence has a training facility there. It was so if Kaas City was attacked, Intelligence would have another leg to stand on. And if Ziost was attacked, Intelligence's newest recruits could test their skills. It is a world with history long gone, and cities becoming more and more modern. Many of my people live there. So much so, any Sith would blend in.

Now it is no more. I stare out the viewport at a barren world. It was once filled with life, and a great world in the Empire's arsenal. Then the Revanites awoke Vitiate at Ziost's expense. Now, it is nothing but ruins and desert.

This is why I abandoned the Force. My people attack their own all in the name of the dark side! My biological parents abused me to the point of death, masters and students murder one another, and now Darth Vitiate destroys a planet in the name of self preservation. I watched a world die today because someone so powerful saw everything as a threat. How different he would have been if the darkside was a nonissue?

It sickens me. The Force sickens me. Darth Vitiate, who was originally a pureblood, sickens me. The Sith Empire threw its lot in with a monster all those centuries ago. Why did it have to be at our expense- At Ziost's expense?!

I rush to a refresher to relieve my stomach of its contents. I served the Sith Emperor too. I had to gather information for intelligence to better serve him. To serve him was to serve the Empire, right? And it was all deception. Sith deceive, like those in Intelligence deceive, and I helped ensure it would happen. All those people I interrogated, tortured, helped enslave, among other things were in order to help further his goal. The goal to annihilate every last living thing on Ziost.

I leave my stall and try to clean my face. I glance in the mirror: Who am I? I am Crimsèn, yet I cannot shirk what I did under the guise of Cipher 8. All of us cannot shirk off how much we practically worshipped a man who betrayed us. Worst of all it killed Theron!

Wait, actually, no it didn't. It killed many Republic people because their current Chancellor has her twi'lek head up her ***: Jedi, troopers, and others. Yet, Theron did not die. I let him go with the Sixth Line Jedi leader, as opposed to letting Lana take her into Imperial custody.

Then he left. He got in a ship and escaped, along with Lana and I after the Emperor had a word with me. I hate him; when he spoke the words, I knew they were true. I tried to stop it all and I failed. I failed Ziost, and I failed our people. But Theron is still alive. The Emperor has not moved on to another world yet. There is still hope.

I saw Theron again. I looked in his eyes, and he looked back. We shared some words- I could be wrong but I think he still has some feelings for me. In the months since Yavin IV, I took steps to pull out of Sith Intelligence. I tried to contact Theron, but stopped when I remembered he and I parted ways. He probably doesn't need me bothering him. Yet, late at night I dreamed. The dreams were in contrary to what my mind was telling: I was over him, and ready to move on.

And then there he was. He was battered and bruised, but to me he was just as handsome and as much the agent as when I first met him. On Ziost, helping, and allowing me to flirt. Allowing me to watch him, and seemed relieved I chose what I did with the Sixth Line Jedi.

That is why I must find a way to contact him. In spite of what my mind is telling me, I have to contact him. I was too close to losing him again. We were both too close to death to walk away from it! I have to write to him, reach out somehow.

The next day I go to Republic archives, and find nothing. I go to Intelligence's records and find nothing. I decide to try digging deeper a week later (I searched in between documenting all that was left of Ziost). Thankfully I have free access to old HQ’s records and computers. I search for over a week- No Theron. I guess Lana Beniko couldn’t be bothered to keep track of one of the SIS’ top men? Nostalgia or incompetence? I am amazed she hasn't resigned as head of Intelligence.

I leave and sneak to the space just a bit away from Ord Mantel. It is a long shot, but I am willing to risk getting captured. Republic space may lead to means I would never have to contact Theron.

I smile as I get a lead into the SIS' databanks! I will contact you soon, Theron. Perhaps I could go to him? Perhaps comfort him for witnessing the death of a world, and the trouble he is in with Saresh? Perhaps he would let me kiss him again- Would he kiss my skin next? I say to HK-51 as I am about to message Theron, “Any messages for me, HK?”

“Answer: There is a message from Darth Marr’s ship. It claims he is making leads on the location of the Sith Emperor, and we should be ready to leave at any moment. The second message for us to rendezvous at his destroyer immediately.”

“Darth Marr?”

“Answer: Yes, Master. Darth Marr has ordered us to rendezvous with his star destroyer immediately. He was found the Emperor.”

I sigh. I need to find Theron, yet if I go now we could risk the Emperor making another world suffer Ziost's fate. “Very well, we will go to his ship.” I look at the readings about Theron. I whisper, “Don’t worry, Theron, I will come to you later. But the galaxy needs me now.”

Hiya. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I have no issue with M/M stories and I do quite enjoy Theron as a character. More than.

I liked the start and Crimsen seems to be an interesting character. His struggle, the duality between the Cipher and the man, is quite understandable and you've gone to great lengths to give us a peek at his thought process and soul. Given the IA story line this sense of "Who am I" as Crimsen looks in the mirror makes a lot of sense, I enjoyed reading about him. I also got very curious about your character's history as it was revealed that he's a Sith Pureblood who had himself stripped of the Force due to reasons... it felt, compelling.

Unfortunately that is also the part that brings me to one minor point of criticism regarding structure of the story, not context. In the section where Crimsen tells us he had himself stripped of the Force, you end the paragraph with "(stop now, if you do not like reading about a man who is completely homosexual as I do not care to entertain homophobes)". An understandable warning, I can see where you're coming from and why you put it there but for me as a reader, the placement of that warning yanked me out of the immersion into the story. One moment I'm fully invested in learning who Crimsen is and the next it's like someone smacked me on the back of the head and I felt kinda thrown. Perhaps it would have been better to either add that line to the disclaimer at the top or to break up the story and add an Author's Note in a

I really enjoyed part 2 as well. The story line revolving around Ziost is always a little gut-wrenching both due to the planet's destruction and reuniting with 'love' in what is quite possibly one of the worst and devastating moments in history.

Crimsen really seems eager to take whichever risk necessary to find Theron again and reach out to him. His contemplation of everything he's done as a Cipher, his disgust for the Sith and Vitiate especially, very riveting and realistic too and I felt bad for him and everything he went through including the abuse in his past.

Nice work.

I really enjoyed part 2 as well. The story line revolving around Ziost is always a little gut-wrenching both due to the planet's destruction and reuniting with 'love' in what is quite possibly one of the worst and devastating moments in history.

 

Crimsen really seems eager to take whichever risk necessary to find Theron again and reach out to him. His contemplation of everything he's done as a Cipher, his disgust for the Sith and Vitiate especially, very riveting and realistic too and I felt bad for him and everything he went through including the abuse in his past.

 

Nice work.

S.h.i.t! I forgot that line was even in they're (I think I inserted it because initially posted on deviant art and people there even with that sentence still comment! ) I'll take the line out I think cause swtor readers are nice.

S.h.i.t! I forgot that line was even in they're (I think I inserted it because initially posted on deviant art and people there even with that sentence still comment! ) I'll take the line out I think cause swtor readers are nice.

Oh yes they are. I think most of us are rather open minded at least and usually if someone doesn't like a story or it's not their cup of tea, they simply do not read or comment. I've never seen any rude remarks or nasty responses in all my time in this section.

Chapter 1 End

content: contains sexual themes near the end

Cover Image: Crimsèn wakes up

“It’s going to be a short trip. Might want to start briefing your friend here on what’s being going on the last 5 years. HK, make yourself useful. Check the stabilizers.”

“Five years? Five years… where are my people? Where is my family? Where is Theron?”

***

I am currently on the Gravestone. After being in carbonite for 5 years, I awaken to Lana Beniko. She saves me, and her friend Koth bring us to the Endless Swamp on Zakuul. Zakuul... The planetary home of Emperor Arcann, the man who imprisoned me five years ago. I went to Darth Marr's ship to investigate Valkorian, and it lands me in carbonite prison with the Sith Empire's old Emperor in my head under a new name.

So much to take in, and so much to do. I should be resting, seeing a counselor, and/or trying to find my ship and droid. I should be trying to put my life back together. But I cannot do that as Arcann ripped it a part. I yawn as exhaustion washes over me. Exhaustion and remnants of hibernation sickness. Five years gone. Five years I could have spent winning back Theron Shan. Instead, I am here repairing an ancient ship on the off chance it will save us from Arcann and the Eternal fleet.

I stumble around the area I'm working like a drunk: Where is that hydro spanner? Why is it dark out already? Does the endless swamp ever see the sun? I make a face. All this ship fixing with the occasional song playing. I'm too tired to try and repair another wire! I need to get rest. I need to search the ship. Search the ship. Search the ship.

I finally find a room with a bed. It’s not made and it is a bit rough but it’ll do. Ever since getting out of the carbonite, I have been running around all day, all week, and all month. No time for me to rest after getting out of my 5-year nap. No time to really process what has happened and no time to even attempt to find those I love.

Are any of them still alive? Is my brother still alive? My adopted parents? What about my grandparents? What about Theron?! Where are my crew, and what happened to intelligence? Does it exist anymore? Does anything I have ever worked for still stand, or am I grasping at things long been turned to dust? So many questions whip through my mind. I have to try to... sleep. I close and breath deeply. My thoughts slow, and my eyes begin to slide close. Then they open again- I shiver. I really shiver. It is so cold in here and I am so alone.

Five years without any contact: No good conversation, no warmth, no love, and no touch. Lana is too focused on my rescue, and Koth is more focused on the ship than on being a new friend. Perhaps it is just as well. I will never feel anything beyond friendship for a woman, and Koth isn't Theron.

Of course I am holding out on a very thin hope. Five years... I'm sure he met someone else and he is making them happy. Serves me right for letting him walk away!

I shake my head- I need sleep. The Outlander is a mortal being. He needs his beauty sleep once in a while. More than that he needs to remember what it’s like to be out of hibernation. I take a few more breaths and let rest come to me. I toss and turn. I am still in my clothes- No wonder I am uncomfortable. The bed is cold but it does have blankets and a pillow. I remove my shirt, gloves and boots; I re-arrange the pillow and blankets; and I lay back down again.

I do not fall asleep. Instead I glance down at my body- I have not really seen it in five years. I see it has new scars to go with the ones my biological parents gave me.Where did I get the new ones? Ziost? Battle with Revan? Fighting Zakuul's forces when they attacked Marr’s ship? Perhaps it was on Marr's ship- I did stumble a bit and got shot at during the battle. Perhaps some are from the medicines Lana and HK-55 have treated me with. HK-55… He reminds me so much of HK-51, and yet they are different enough that he is not HK-51. Where is my droid? What happened after I told him to flee into hyperspace?

I lay down again and whisper out loud, “Theron…”

I woke up out of carbonite to Lana Beniko. It would have been nice to get at least a hug from her. Words that it is all going to okay. It would have been nice for her to tell me someone I care for is alive and well. Instead all I get is her berating me for choosing to save the people of the city instead of allowing millions more to die- Haven't enough died in this conflict?

Theron would have appreciated my choice I think. Hell, I can see one of my cousins nodding in approval for it. In fact, I can feel their arms around me when they see I am okay. Lana said it verbally, of course, but have you ever been locked away with no contact from anything and anyone? If not, you will have to trust me in the affirmation that after five years of total isolation touch goes much farther than words.

I should have gone to Theron instead of running to Marr's side. Then we could have faced this terrible conflict together. Instead I obeyed orders like the good Cipher Agent, again, and now I do not even know if he is alive. I bet he would have hugged me when I was thawed out. He would have let me touch him for a moment, maybe even briefly kissed me.

Since I cannot ask Lana or Koth to hug me, I rub my chest as my eyes finally close. They are too heavy from everything that has transpired, and I need sleep. I mutter as waking gives way to dreaming: “Theron... Theron... where are you? I’m sorry I didn’t come to you before going to Marr’s ship.”

I look up in surprise to see him. "Theron? Theron?! You're alive... How?"

"Come now, Crim, it takes more than an Eternal Fleet to kill me."

I see him crawl into the bed next to me, watching me with his small smile. I reach over and rub his face and smile. “Theron...”

Theron smiles back. “After five years, Sith intelligence is still hard at work.”

I laugh. “Hardly working more like. Can’t you see I’m catching up on my beauty sleep?”

He says in a low voice, “Is that a fact?" I nod and smile. He continues, "Allow me to ensure your dreams are good ones.”

His face then leans down and kisses me. It was more passionate than the ones we exchanged on Rishi and Yavin. It felt good, I wanted more. I open my mouth more and deepen the kiss. I allow my tongue to taste him. His mouth was just like I remembered- He is so warm and so firm. I pull his body more against mine. The bed is not cold anymore. I want more- Should I dare ask?

I did not need to as his lips left mine and trail down to my neck. He goes lower and lower until I look up in surprise when I hear him unfasten my pants. “Theron, are you sure? Aren't I the first man you have been with? We should not rush things...”

“Shhhh… Don’t ruin it, sexy. First or not, you need this.”

I then feel his mouth below my waistline and I cannot help but let out a moan. He took me in his mouth and moves at a fast tempo- His mouth is hot, and his tongue is smooth. I do not last long and climax with a start. The force of it makes me open my eyes. I sit up and look around: "Theron... Theron... Theron?!"

No answer. I am alone. Theron is not here anymore, just cold and heartless reality. I look down and blush a little- my hand is still on my member. I frown at the warm stickiness all over my hands, chest, and the bed. I get up use part of my discarded to clothing to wash away my seed. I only look up from my task to hear giggling.

“What?” Koth says, “What’s so funny?”

Lana is the one giggling. “Oh nothing; it’s just I think our Outlander is having a good dream.”

I look down and shake my head, hot tears begin sliding down my face. "I use to be," I answer quietly. This shuts them up, and I am left to my own sorrows.

I lay down and just cry. No life, no Theron, no love, and no real friends. Just a galaxy Lana has decided I have to save. Eventually I do fall asleep and my dreams are mostly of the Emperor and his nice little spot in my head.

Over all that the Emperor says to me I must cry out: Where are you Theron?

Hiya. Thank you for sharing your story with us! I have no issue with M/M stories and I do quite enjoy Theron as a character. More than.

 

I liked the start and Crimsen seems to be an interesting character. His struggle, the duality between the Cipher and the man, is quite understandable and you've gone to great lengths to give us a peek at his thought process and soul. Given the IA story line this sense of "Who am I" as Crimsen looks in the mirror makes a lot of sense, I enjoyed reading about him. I also got very curious about your character's history as it was revealed that he's a Sith Pureblood who had himself stripped of the Force due to reasons... it felt, compelling.

Thanks! I totally am doing these replies out of order, but meh. Anyway, thanks and I am glad you like Crimsèn! He's... Honestly he started off as a blend of me wanting an agent, a pureblood Sith, and a gay male to RP as. He evolved into the character above through to scenes and me writing his back story for NANOWRIMO. He goes into detail about his home life, and how he ended with no force, later in the fanfic so I won't give too much away here.

Unfortunately that is also the part that brings me to one minor point of criticism regarding structure of the story, not context. In the section where Crimsen tells us he had himself stripped of the Force, you end the paragraph with "(stop now, if you do not like reading about a man who is completely homosexual as I do not care to entertain homophobes)". An understandable warning, I can see where you're coming from and why you put it there but for me as a reader, the placement of that warning yanked me out of the immersion into the story. One moment I'm fully invested in learning who Crimsen is and the next it's like someone smacked me on the back of the head and I felt kinda thrown. Perhaps it would have been better to either add that line to the disclaimer at the top or to break up the story and add an Author's Note in a

box for the warning before the story itself continues. If that makes sense and I don't mean to offend with that. The story itself looks good and interesting.

 

Either ways, I hope you continue. This was a nice start.

 

EDIT; This comment pertains to part 1, I had not noticed you'd already posted a second one too.

 

Thanks and I got rid of the line since I realised I had the disclaimer at the top already. Lol

 

Again thanks for the feedback!

I have no problem with m/m or f/f romance at all. I do find the inner turmoil of Crimsen quite interesting, especially concerning his attitude toward the sith and also what pain he had endured as well as inflicted during his time in the academy and all the way up to his stint as a cipher.

Ziost is such a tragic place best remembered with guilt and tears or so Crimsen seems to feel. And then the time in carbonite, more anger, more loss.

Anyway, his hunt for Theron and hopefully some quest for who he is as a man should provide interesting reading.

I can see a cipher agent being plagued by such thoughts and questions--after being whatever it takes to do a job for so long, one is bound to feel a little lost in the whole process and then to develop romantic feelings on top of that and yeah, you've got a lot on your plate. I think you did a lovely job conveying that.

I also liked the image you included of Crimsen. Nice looking Sith.

Awww poor Crim!! You beautifully captured the loneliness that I too in those KOTFE Chapters and how it affected your character. I do hope he gets a reunion with Theron soon, perhaps that'll ease the pain.

Had to laugh just a little at his exciting dream though, or rather the fact clearly Lana noticed lol. Well done.

Awww poor Crim!! You beautifully captured the loneliness that I too in those KOTFE Chapters and how it affected your character. I do hope he gets a reunion with Theron soon, perhaps that'll ease the pain.

 

Had to laugh just a little at his exciting dream though, or rather the fact clearly Lana noticed lol. Well done.

(bows)

Thank you! Thank you!

And don't worry he'll get it. Just first I need to write... Theron's POV. Hopefully I did the character justice... I think I did. I know rewriting Theron's POV lead to another 20+ page on Word so it'll be broken up.

I'll leave that as light-reading, and write out the scene where Theron and Crim do meet. Initially I wasn't because I don't like re-writing Bioware's cutscens, cause I like a bit of them *but* for this cases I will.

I can see a cipher agent being plagued by such thoughts and questions--after being whatever it takes to do a job for so long, one is bound to feel a little lost in the whole process and then to develop romantic feelings on top of that and yeah, you've got a lot on your plate. I think you did a lovely job conveying that.

 

I also liked the image you included of Crimsen. Nice looking Sith.

(bows) Thanks Luna! Honor to get compliments from one of the fanfiction forums' frequent visitors. And I'm glad I captured the agent's head in the first chapter.

Cover Image: Regrets, by jediserenity82 on DeviantArt

Dear Crimsèn…

I cross that out. It sounds too cheesy, and too corny. He’ll see right through that kind of bantha c.r.a.p., won’t he? I try again:

Crimsèn,

I hope you read this letter some day. I miss you…

I scratch out that again, and reset my datapad. I can write nothing to Saresh, or some Sith Lord, but I cannot compose a simple letter to a friend. I look at the datapad, leaning back in my seat with crossed arms.

No, Crimsèn isn’t really my friend. He’s more than that. I know we did not really have much of a romance, but there was something. I did feel something. It was short – it was too short. However, I know it was there.

Unfortunately, he’s gone now. And I don’t mean gone, as in gone back to the Empire, but gone gone. He was captured by Arcann and simply disappeared! No commcall, no missions for the Empire, not even rumors from usual contacts!

It’s strange. I know as a Cipher Agent, Crimsèn can easily make himself disappear. But as a spy myself, I know when someone is trying to disappear and when they have just disappeared. Crim falls under the latter, and I have no means of finding him. Yet. Lana has some idea of how to find him, but it’s been two years. I don’t know if they will come to fruition this time.

Dear Crimsèn,

Lana and I are trying to figure out a way to get you. I want you to know I never forgot about you, and I miss you.

That’s not what I want to say, either. Can Theron Shan not write a simple note anymore?! I can write anyone in the galaxy, and tell them any story, but I cannot communicate the truth to Crimsèn. How did I get here? How is it my only… my only…

I think I fell in love with Crimsèn. And he is the hardest man I can ever write a letter to. Do I have a right to write a letter? Should I even consider it? There is a strong possibility he’ll never read it.

“No, Theron, come on. You have to write the letter, regardless of if Crimsèn reads it," I tell myself out loud.

I take my data-pen and consider how to compose. How did we get here? I shouldn’t ask that as I initiated it. I’m the reason Crim is in the carbonite. It started back on Yavin.

****

When I got back on a ship to head back to Coruscant after defeating the Revanites, I could only think one thing: Wow, what a ride! I received a promotion within the SIS, and it felt great. If anyone told me what would happen the moment I started helping Colonel Darok with the attack on Korriban, I would have sent them to the medical wing. Yet, there I was and I did it by helping out alongside Imperials. Didn't think that would happen in my time either, but that is the galaxy for you! At first I was grateful it was over now and we can go back to our old lives.

Well, sort of our old lives. Lana became the head of Sith intelligence and Crimsèn technically went back to being a Cipher, though I don’t think they brought Cipher Agents back. Who knows, I thought, maybe I could get Lana back for selling me out to Revan back on Rishi. I don't care if it got us more information, you do not turn your back on your allies! Shows that Sith are all the same with some differences.

And that is where my mind landed on Crimsèn. He was a Sith who stood out. I think he liked standing out. Can only imagine what he is thinking remaining hidden. Crim is a red sith pureblood who uses a rifle instead of a saber, and a knife instead of the Force. That must have been hard to pull off. I only got out of the lightsaber wielding business because I have no force awareness. Was that the same for him or is there more to his story?

I wanted to know why he could walk with such a stride, and show off his strong and muscular body without batting an eyelash. Not to mention put much into his duties, and demanding Lana apologize for betraying me to the Revanites! *He was an enjoyable companion, and I liked kissing him.

Memory Flashback Link

As I looked out the window on the Republic ship, my mind continued to drift back over the events on Rishi and Yavin IV. I have many fond memories: The laughing with Jakarro, even some of the chats with Lana, and feeling Crim's lips on mine.

Leaving the relationship on Yavin IV was a mistake. I know that now, I can see it now. Back then, I was not entirely sure. At first, I thought I knew the best way to go. I think Crim did too. I am not sure. He's the ex-Cipher 8, after all. He has probably had relationships for short periods, had relationships to get information. I mean I only guess that he has

But then as time went on, I run ins with some old friends. During those moments, I thought they would be easier if Crim was there to back me. Then of course was my meeting with dear old dad. That would have been easier if I had Crimsèn to talk about it with afterward. He was easy to talk to when I spoke with him about Satele on Rishi. In fact, after we kissed I forgot how my mother just referred to me as her agent. He felt good, and tasted good.

If that’s true, why did I tell him we had to end it? I don't know, I suck at relationships. My last one prior to this ended because I found a note from her that we were done. It doesn't look better on my end that I read the note 3 months after she sent it. See what happens when you become a work-a-holic? I told myself it was because the truce is over. He is Imperial; I am Republic. We simply could not continue past Yavin IV. It was a fling; it was not meant to last. Case closed.

Upon personal reflection, I realized my case was stupid. We are agents to our own factions. He and I know how to sneak around the galaxy. We could have just met on neutral worlds like Tatooine or Port Nowhere. No one at those places care who you’re with and our organizations would have been none the wiser. Heck, we could even have worked towards a more peaceful understanding between our own factions.

Oh well, I suppose I will never know what could have happened. I decided I would try and make the most of things, as I doubted Crim would want to talk to me again. No one wants to waste time with someone who so easily dropped them at the first chance. Crimsèn, the first person I genuinely cared for in a long time, and I called off our relationship

We are now back to our own intelligence agencies. If I saw him again, I probably won't recognize him.* Yes, this is for the best. I'm sure we will just look back on this as a nice memory but nothing more. Know what is strange? Crimsèn seemed sad when we last spoke, and I could tell! Couldn't say that about some of the last girlfriends and boyfriends I had. This makes me wonder if his words of understanding were a façade.

They should not be a façade! This is what should happen, what has to happen. Though a part of me hopes I'm wrong and the façade is right.* I was proven wrong when I thought I had Crimsèn figured out when I first met him: A duplicity, evil monster with the darkside rolling around on the inside. Yet, I was wrong. Very wrong.*

What made me think I had him all figured out then? I didn’t. And by luck, or the Force’s will, we ran into each other again. On Ziost, during the biggest crisis in the galaxy’s history. I went there after I sent the Sixth Line Jedi. I wanted them to find out for me what was going on down there before the Republic did anything rash. On the downside, I was in hot water with Saresh ever since! On the upside, I got to see Crimsèn again.

***

Theron sighs in frustration as he rushes under the dome. It was only a matter of time before Vitiate’s possessed army would arrive. In the small moment of before the storm, Theron sees his companion approach tentatively.

“I… I thought we’d never meet again. It’s nice to be wrong.” His companion looks at him with intense eyes.

Theron smiled a little at that despite his injuries. He looked down and nodded in agreement: “Despite all the awfulness on Yavin IV, it did have its moments.”

***

All I could think after Ziost was damn it, damn it, damn it! Administrative leave as Saresh tightened her hand more on things she has zero experience in. It was not good; in fact it was bad. Very bad. It became worse when unknown ships appeared over Coruscant out of nowhere. They were neither Hutt nor Empire, but claimed to be part of the Eternal Empire. How many empires does this galaxy need? Obviously the Hutt Empire, Infinite Empire, and Sith Empire weren’t enough.

I remember the attack like it was yesterday. I was looking up information on the infamous Cipher 8. Yes, I discovered Crimsèn’s old Cipher title. Seeing an entire world destroyed makes you realize what is really important. An entire world got engulfed in flames. I needed to go be with someone. I wanted to be by his Crimsèn’s side. He’s the only ‘loved one’ I’ve got. Yes, I call him my loved one. While I was in hot water career-wise, I was not completely cut off from my contacts.

Seeing him on Ziost re-awakened feelings I thought were dormant. His eyes, his determination, his confidence, and his muscles when they are in action… I missed all of that and in the middle of all the chaos I could not help but metaphorically hold onto him. Even if it was a brief minute under the dome. I certainly was not going to let Lana Beniko be my source of comfort- Bruises of bruises, never forget that. Best of all he let me take the leader of the 6th Line Jedi back to Tython! Not even Lana dared to question him really. She knew there was no way she’d win once his mind was made up. Makes me glad I never had to stare him down before.

Though I feared I would never get to stare at him again. I got off with the Sixth Line Jedi and not even 30 minutes later, the entire planet became a dead ball of dust. I stood there, watching, in shock. I could barely breath at the sight of it. I thought I had just watched Crimsèn die! I sent the Sixth Line Jedi there, and it helped kill Crimsèn! Yet I couldn't be 100%, and that was my personal mission for the next month or so.

Man is Crim good at covering his tracks-Glad his looks were not what won him the Cipher 8 title. However, I looked in other places using the many gifts the SIS let me keep. I was smiling when I saw that he made it! He didn’t die on Ziost. I’ll just send him a message.

BOOM!

BOOM!!

BOOM!!!!

Before I knew it the capital of the Republic was in a full scale warzone again. It didn’t take us long to fall to Zakuul. Darth Marr was dead, among so many others in the Empire and the Republic. Within months we were all vassals to the Eternal Empire. Amidst the chaos I realized that the SIS was no more than Saresh’s puppet and my mother was not the warrior she once was. No one was and I needed to fight this new Empire on my own. So, I walked away and attempted to fight Zakuul on my own.

I also travelled the galaxy to find him. Cipher 8 was missing. It was rumored he was killed along with Darth Marr. I couldn’t believe that. There was no proof he had lived or died! I could not give up if there was at least one small thread of hope I could find him.

I cannot call my “mother,” as she’d never understand why I was searching for an imperial agent. *Not to mention she’s mostly fallen off the face of known space. To think I once mentioned to Crimsèn on Rishi she was better than many Jedi who simply vanish in the face of galactic turmoil.

I was certainly not asking any of the clowns among the Republic and the SIS. I could not turn to a senate who clearly has allowed itself to be enslaved to two puppet masters, and the SIS would never help me find a Cipher agent. And if they did I wouldn’t let them, as I will not be the reason Crimsèn ends up in a Republic prison.

That’s why I was sitting in a diner in more neutral space. Two and a half years of searching… and I found nothing. I could find neither a hint, rumor, nor record of Cipher 8; I did not want to give up. So, I gave up and called Lana. As the head of Sith Intelligence, she would know why an agent just disappeared from the galactic surface.

She tries to be friendly: “Theron it is… good to see a friendly face.”

I try to smile while I sip my stimcafe “Yeah, I wasn’t actually expecting to make this call but I have no choice.”

Lana nods and eventually we both get something light. to eat. Our small talk begins- She's left Sith Intelligence, I've left the SIS; the Republic has a puppet for a Chancellor and the Empire has an Empress; she's gotten new armor, while I still have the same uniform. Interesting information. She's Sith though, and sees through surface conversation.

She looks me in the eye and asks finally, “Theron, why did you call me here? Do you wish to meet my contact, or..."

“Honestly? For one thing, and I wasn't kidding when I said I'm coming to you as a last resort: Where is Crimsèn Hevilas?”

Lana raises an eyebrow. “The former Cipher 8? Depends; who is he to you?"

“I’m not looking to hunt him down, Lana. I just need to know where he is. He… I care for him, alright? I almost lost him on Ziost; I cannot believe he would just disappear.”

“He is not dead, but he is not exactly alive. He is in carbonite.”

I widen my eyes. “Carbonite? Where? Who did this to him? I have to go rescue him!”

She shakes her head. “According to sources I have, I believe he’s the ‘Outlander’ who killed Emperor Valkorian. This Emperor was Vitiate’s new corporeal form. Arcann locked Crimsèn away as one of his prize possessions in carbonite.”

I widened my eyes at the knowledge. Crimsèn is the legendary ‘Outlander’ many have whispered about in my travels. The Outlander is supposedly the man who killed Emperor Valkorian, which Arcann dubbed an act of war even though they attacked along the edges of the Empire and Republic first, and many believe he lives in Zakuul’s underground.

I could not help but smile a little: My sort of lover was alive, but he has no idea I’m searching for him. He has no idea what has been going on, never mind how much time has passed. Would he still remember me? Does he still remember me?*

“We have to rescue him,” I said quietly

She nods. *“However, we cannot do so recklessly. I know a couple of defectors within Zakuul’s ranks. They have been investigating for me. Theron, I know given our history I have no reason to ask you for any help but I must. You have abilities and methods I do not have.”

I look at her in the eye. "Backstabbing me on Rishi, bullying me during Ziost, and now you insists you needs my help? So you can sell me to Zakuul to get information again?"

“Yes. Yes I need your help, Theron. Theron, you’re not the only one who’s lost a loved one in all this. We've all lost everything and anything to the Eternal Empire," Lana talks in a very quiet voice, "But I sense that Crimsen, the Outlander that is growing into a legend that Zakuulan's fear, is the key to ending this tyranny and freeing the galaxy! We all need him, and getting him and ensuring his survival will be my top priority. I am glad to have your support..."

I sigh and look out the window to the planet outside that has some skytrooper patrols scattered everywhere. Zakuul needs to be stopped, and I can't get to Crimsen by myself. “Looks like I have no choice on the matter," I answer finally, "I will help the best way I can on the one condition you find Crimsèn and make sure he gets out of there alive. I… I…” I look down as I cannot verbally say the words just yet. Instead I state, "I will work on getting contacts in Zakuul’s underground, as other unhappy people looking to get out from under Arcann's thumb."

*******

After we are done I went back to my ship, and that's where I am now currently: Sitting down and ready to compose a letter. The more I think back on the last two and a half years, I think I know what I want to write to him. He may never read it, but that’s not the point.

It is one of those things I have to do, regardless of the outcome. The same can be said about working with Lana to overthrow Arcann: Regardless of if we win or lose, I have to try. And now I have to write this. I have to let him know that I care for him, and I will find him. I have to let him know that I will find him.

I have to find him. Everything and everyone depends on finding him. The galaxy depends on finding him. I depend on finding him.

***

Subject: For when you wake up.

Dear Crimsèn,

I've written this message twice now. Okay, more than twice. Kinda weird writing something that may never be read.

Lana says you’re locked in carbonite, but alive. (Yeah, we’re in touch. Long story.) I like to think you’re having one crazy dream. And maybe I’m in it. But I don't want to presume.

We never declared what this--you and me--is... was... Have I mentioned I'm bad at relationships? Another reason I'm a workaholic.

I’m rambling. The point I’m trying to make is-whatever’s between us, I want you to know that I care about you. A lot. The whole galaxy's lost its mind. The thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're out there, and we’re putting together a plan to rescue you. I might not be there-we’ve all got our parts to play--but I haven't forgotten about you or our time together. I never will.

With affection,

Theron Shan

I love the way you show Crim's feelings and Theron's too. Nice descriptions of the various memories between them.

Also loved the screenshot art of our favorite secret agent too. Nicely done.

Sorry it took me a few to ready this, I've been rather driven myself with writing.

I enjoyed your latest Chapter, it's quite clear both Theron and Crimsen experienced something unique and wonderful together amidst all the events in Shadows of Revan... and both seem rather insecure towards one another, struggling with how to really open up about how they feel. It's endearing. I also enjoyed the images you included, it's a nice touch.

I love the way you show Crim's feelings and Theron's too. Nice descriptions of the various memories between them.

 

Also loved the screenshot art of our favorite secret agent too. Nicely done.

Sorry it took me a few to ready this, I've been rather driven myself with writing.

 

I enjoyed your latest Chapter, it's quite clear both Theron and Crimsen experienced something unique and wonderful together amidst all the events in Shadows of Revan... and both seem rather insecure towards one another, struggling with how to really open up about how they feel. It's endearing. I also enjoyed the images you included, it's a nice touch.

Thank you both of you! I'm glad I was able to capture Theron's head, thoughts, and feelings in a way that was true to the character as well as add my own person spin to it. I also indirectly snuck in my critique of the end of Shadow of Revan: I can understand why the two had to split up temporarily, but still doesn't change the fact that two spies can find the time, and means, to be together if they truly wanted to.

Now, here is to me getting done and ready to post the chapter where

between the two leads. Hopefully it is done well. Initially I wasn't going to even have this chapter because I don't like rewrwiting someone else's story, but it would be a crime against Crim and Theron to not write it out. So new chapter will be up soonish

The internal conflict of both Crimsen and Theron was well done and it was nice getting into their heads to see their thoughts and exactly where they are coming from. The questioning of their feelings, is it real, or not, they think it is, but is it really, displays a nice bit of development.

I also like the pictures embedded in the story, very nice touch.

The internal conflict of both Crimsen and Theron was well done and it was nice getting into their heads to see their thoughts and exactly where they are coming from. The questioning of their feelings, is it real, or not, they think it is, but is it really, displays a nice bit of development.

 

I also like the pictures embedded in the story, very nice touch.

(bows) Thank you very much. It's going to start to come to a head soon. Hopefully I can post something soonish...

Chapter 3: Odessen

Part 1:

Crimsèn’s POV

Cover Image: https://vadess40blog.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/swtor-2015-10-21-04-51-20-06.png

Odessen is far out of Arcann’s sight, and the only planet in the galaxy where the Force is completely in balance. The dark side doesn’t take over like it does Korriban, nor does the light blind anyone senses like it might on Tython. It is far from home, wherever ‘home’ is, and now it has to turn into a military base.

The physical structure is getting there: I look out to the hills hile standing on the fresh cememnt and metal of the look out. It leads to one of the spheres that track incoming and outgoing ships. The other sphere next to it keeps track of what the Republic and Empire are up to. I glance at the corner of my eye to see people enter the main war room. Soon I will have to hold a meeting there: See what people we have, see what people we need, and start working on any leads towards Arcann’s weaknesses. Even forces as powerful as the throne, and Zakuul Knights, has a weakness. It shall be found.

It has been a few long month carving a hole in a mountain, and turning it into a functioning system. It has been a long three months to keep Imperial and Republic forces from killing each other: It’s amazing the ripples of the Revanite threat have caused. A decade ago, Zakuul would have the galaxy under lock and key. Not completely because Arcann would have destroyed them, but because the factions wouldn’t set aside their differences to a common goal. The fact some have chosen to do so I a miracle thanks to the Revanite threat. Or in Lana’s opinion, thanks to me.

I see the anti-air turret is ready to make short work of the wrong visitors, and I feel the railings are as strong as Alderaan’s rocks. Perhaps stronger. I hear the rumble of ships taking off and landing, not really turning to look. There is nothing to see, really. Nothing for me to see. I hope there is nothing for me to see, anyway. I’ve missed five years and seen too much in almost four months or so. Makes one tired, and makes them cold to certain things.

A sith pureblood? Cold? I chuckle to myself as I listen to the birds singing. Sith are supposed to be passionate creatures, not cold with indifference. I guess five year slumbers change one’s inner workings? Would a Jedi go mad after 5 years? Hard to say.

I glance down at my commlink and examine it. It’s a new one, different from Imperial or Republic. I like its sound quality. I’ll start tinkering with it soon. I always tinker with commlinks: get the right channel where none are eavesdropping on me is always my first priority. Well it used to be. I haven’t done it yet… No point with no time to really sit to myself.

The few times I have, such as now, have been consumed with wonder: Where is he? Why have I not found him? Why wasn’t he with us at the Gravestone? Why did he not find us on Zakuul? Why was he not at Asylum? I looked in between gathering missions, and rescuing some of Koth’s crew, on Asylum for Theron Shan. I could not find him!

People saw him on Asylum. I remember bringing him up to Koth: “Tell me, did Lana ever bring a man named Theron Shan on some of your missions? Or are you the only handsome man she’s met?”

“Theron Shan? I’ve heard of him. Tall, tanned skin, implants, used to work for the SIS?” I nod at Koth’s description, and my hopes rise.

“Yes, that is the man. Is he on Asylum now, and I’ve simply missed him?”

Koth shook his head, and jumped when sparks flew. I walked up to the panel and opened it. I used one of the portable flashlights I was able to find on Zakuul’s surface to look at the compartment. “I think some of the fuses are burnt out. Do you have any…”

I glance to Koth and take one of his spanners and rubber gloves. I get to work on it, commenting, “This ship certainly is confirming to be trouble to maintain. I hope it will prove to be worth the fuss.”

“You and the Gravestone have something in common,” Koth points out, “As your rescue proved.”

I chuckle and get the minor emergency under control. “Yes,” I began the conversation again, “Theron Shan?”

“Right, right. Yeah, I’ve seen him here on a few missions. He even came here once or twice… But that was months ago. He likes to keep to himself.”

My heart sank a little at that but not too much. The joys of spy work: It is a solo job. I wondered if I could track him down? I know I am important to defeating Arcann, but that doesn’t mean I can’t at least try to get real companions back in my life! He might be easier to track down then my family on Korriban…

My family on Korriban. I sigh as Odessen’s breeze watches over me. In theory, I have an adopted mother and father. I have an adopted older brother. Biologically they’re my aunt and uncle, and cousin on my father’s side. They adopted me after I left home. They’ve been my immediate family since I was fifteen. And they’re dead for all I know! Lana gave me the basic overview of the galaxy… Yet, when I ask for specifics I am usually met with a tired look, or people don’t know.

I rub the spot on my gut where the kolto patches used to be: Count your blessings, Cipher Eight, since you could’ve been killed! Arcann stabbed me with his saber, and I felt my life spilling out with each passing second. It is a miracle I am alive. I could’ve used Valkorian’s power to get out of such a predicament, but I refused. I don’t care if it’s my dormant force powers, or his, I am not. Using. The. Force. Valkorian needs to do better then promise fancy magic tricks for me give up part of who I am just so I can…

“Love what you’ve done with the place.”

My thoughts freeze. I hear footsteps approach me, and I feel eyes on me. I know that voice. I’ve known it since I was in danger of becoming fish food on Manaan. Is this another dream? I scratch myself with a claw fingertips (I have five fingers like humans but they sharpen into claws, not fingernails, like my Sith ancestors), and I feel the pain. It’s real, and that voice truly spoke. Yet I doubt my ears, so I slowly turn around. The same jacket, light pants, same brown spiked hair, and same implants. My breath stops as I look him over.

“Th-Theron Shan?”

Theron shrugs and states, “Hadn’t seen you a while. Wasn’t sure you remembered me.”

I clear my throat and start again, “It’s… It’s great to see you again Theron.” That was good- Not too formal, nor too mushy but with a good bit of friendly chatter.

“Good,” he says with a smile and walks closer to me, “Wasn’t sure based on what Lana said you went through. What you’re going through.”

He walks past me to the railing, and I follow. My eyes cannot help taking his form in. His physique (I may have a weakness for well formed buttocks), his scent, and his voice make me stumble. I catch myself, thank the Force, as I shouldn’t betray too much of emotions right? It’s not like we’re meeting at a gay bar where I’m allowed to be more flamboyant. No, this is a military base and we haven’t spoken a word in over five years. Need to be a bit more patient. Theron Shan turns to me and smiles, but I notice his eyes just look at me. No following my form, no moving closer, and no indication that he desires to throw himself at me as much as I want to throw myself at him. Easy, Crim…

“Been a long five years,” he cuts into my thoughts again, “feels like everything’s changed.”

I smile genuinely for the first time in five years, and say quietly, “You got better looking.”

Theron holds up a hand and says quickly, “I don’t know about that but hey, Crim, I’ll take it.”

I use every last once of my strength not to look down and run a way from the conversation: That is not how I expected him to respond to the flirt! I know it was a small flirt, and wasn’t meant to sweep him off his feet, but I didn’t expect a non-response! Has… has he moved on? Why wouldn’t he move on- I’ve been gone for five years, and he’s had a galaxy to find someone else. He has someone else, and the person already tells him he got better looking.

I look at him, and resist saying many things, and resist saying how I feel about this: Arcann has taken so much from me, and now he’s taken Theron Shan. Petty reason to get revenge on the galaxy’s ruler, but combine it with destroying everything I’ve built, robbing five years of my life from me, and now stealing the first man to actually understand me? Hmph!

Right, time to continue the conversation. Regardless of his feelings, I will strive to work with him and have decent conversations with him. I clear my throat and try small talk: “I see you’re with our organization- Or are you simply keeping tabs on us and sending it to the SIS?”

“No,” he answers, “No SIS agent here, unless you’ve defected since waking up. No, I left the SIS years ago; Lana’s brought me in to manage operations. But before we get into all the more-or-less official stuff, I’ve got something for you.”

“You’ve found… my family? Anything?”

“No luck so far but…”

I hear a woman’s voice shout over the comms, “It needs work- a lot of work!” as my X-70B Phantom lands a few feet in front of us.

I grin as I see it descend. Finally, a small piece of what was. Perhaps I can still salvage what is between Theron and I? I’ll even settle for a good friend! Perhaps if I invite him on my ship for whatever alcohol is on there…

“When you’re up for it, it’s time for the official stuff. I’ll be inside,” Theron says and walks away.

I turn around and simply wave, “Bye,” and then sigh when he’s out of ear shot. “Need to move faster, Crim…” I mutter to myself as I head towards my ship: Meetings can wait; I want to go home.

Part 2:

I walk up the ramp to my ship, and just stand in the doorway. I look around, breathing in the scent. It smells cleaner, yet still distinctly mine. I see a gay pride poster still hanging near the entrance. The fridge where I keep my drinks are still there, and waiting for me to get one out I hope. The floor looks spotless, and ready for me to walk in.

I step on it: It still makes the same sounds! I smile when I see the lady who flew it in walk past me. She smiles back and gives a thumbs up: “Nice piece of starship you got.”

“Statement: Greetings, Master! I am pleased to see you have survived.”

“HK?!” I grin and give the droid a hug. “Finally, a friendly face. I’m glad to see you survived.”

More shocking then hugging a droid? A droid that slowly hugs you back! I guess some of his protocol subroutines haven’t been completely lost. “Comfort: I did indeed survive, master. Tell me, do we have more undesirables to liquidate.”

“Always,” I answer while pulling back and looking around, “But those can wait a little bit HK-51. Zakuul isn’t going anywhere soon.”

HK-51 follows me around the ship. I am assuming to make sure I do not disappear on him again. Where is 2V-R8? Don’t tell me HK-51 polished everything! The target dummies are still in their place. My clothing is still where it should be in the closet. My bed looks warm and inviting, with a giant duvey cover that has a picture of my favourite Rotworm player on it. The bridge looks ready for me to pilot the ship away. That is tempting: I could pilot away to Nar Shaddaa or to Korriban, bidding farewell to all of this chaos so I can piece life together on my own terms. Then I could move on from Theron Shan…

I need to get out of these clothes: I’ve worn the same out fit for five years! No wonder I feel a tad icky. I go to the refresher: The water tank is filled to the brim, same with the hot water tank. I grin, and shout to HK-51: “HK-51, I’m having the longest shower in the galaxy! Make sure no on disturbs me, not even Lana.”

HK-51 stands outside the fresher. “Statement: Yes, master, of course master.”

I grin wider and toss my clothing off. I step into the shower and let the water flow over me. The warmth of the water washes the ick away, and restores a sense of my own sentient self. The smells of my shampoo and conditioner, the best from the last salon I went to on Ziost on that specialized in pureblood hair, remind me of what normal life is like: I get up, shower, and ensure my body is cared for. It doesn’t include running all over strange planets, getting locked in carbonite, and never having a chance to sit and breath briefly.

I finish my long shower, and head back to my room. I don’t bother putting clothing back on: It’s just HK-51 and myself, and he only wears his birthday suit. I lay down on my bed and resist crawling under the sheets and staying there forever. Instead I ask HK-51, “So… HK-51… Any messages for me over the last five years?”

HK-51 walks in and nods. “Affirmation: Yes, there are a couple of messages of note- One from Darth Caedusios was sent to you two years ago, and another from Agent Shan sent two and a half years ago.”

“Caedusios? My brolin sent me a message?” I run my claws through my hair. “He may be alive... Forward both messages to my computer.”

Hk-51’s eyes glow a little bit. “Statement: All messages have been forwarded to your computer, Master. Request: Please do not make me clean anymore of the ship than I have. Doing mere protocol droid work could result in my ability to liquidate undesirables getting rusty.”

I chuckle, and get up to read the messages. “Don’t worry, HK-51, I can get another 2V-R8 unit to do the cleaning. Or I could get a Republic model? I have many droid options here! Tell me, is there bloodwine left?”

HK-51 nods. “Affirmation: It is, Master. Tell me, will the taste of blood compel you to liquidate more undesirables?”

I chuckle and state, “Perhaps, perhaps not. Still, please get me a glass.”

As he leaves to get the bloodwine, I stand in front of the full body mirror in my room. I haven’t seen myself in five years- I haven’t changed much. My eyes are still pale… Though my hair has gotten slightly longer. I should get it trimmed at some point. I wonder if there are any underground barbers? My facial tendrils have grown a bit, and the only people that can remove them died on Ziost. I frown at myself and glance to my computer. “Maybe some immigrated to Nar Shaddaa?”

Deciding my ship is getting a little chilly, I put on a robe from my wardrobe. HK-51 brings me the bloodwine and sip it. It’s chilled just the way I like it, and the taste brings me back to when I was a young boy and my parents let me try it for the first time. It was during a party they were holding for other Lords, and showing off how wonderful and powerful their son was. Must confess, I have loved parties back then. It was the only time mother and father showed a whiff of actually loving me. It was small, but it was relief from their usual ways. When they let me try bloodwine, I felt more drawn into the conversations. Bloodwine is my people’s best drink, and to finally be allowed to drink it was like finally being accepted into the popular group at school, or being considered a gay cantina’s best customer.

Speaking of best customer, I look up the different gay cantinas I know. If I am going to move on, I will just have to accept Theron Shan has moved on as well. Good thing Nar Shaddaa still has most of them, and Dromund Kaas’ underground seems to be alive and kicking. I will visit, and see which of the cuties are still there. Alright, I think I am ready to read any mail! I read Caedusios’ first… What I would give to have him here right now, telling me where I should go from here.

His hologram appears on the screen, and he starts to speak in my people’s tongue:

<Dearest Crimsên,

I write this with a heavy heart because you are missing. I don’t know if you will get this, or if I’ll ever see you grace my fortress on Korriban again. It is odd writing a letter to my brolin <brother> who is dead for all intents and purposes, but alive out there because I can still feel his presence. Note that I am doing everything in my power to find you, which is very limited thanks to Zakuul’s stranglehold on the Empire, and Empress Acina deciding we have better things to do than hunt a missing agent.

Nevertheless, I am doing what I can! I hope it is successful, for I do miss not having a nwit brolin <small brother> to speak with. You give a different perspective… That perspective must not be lost. This is why I am shouting to the void: one must shout if they want an echo to come back.

I want you to know that mother, father, and I miss you deeply and that we are proud of the work you’ve done as an agent. I bet in wherever you are there is some reflection, and perhaps some regret. In our line of work, the hard choices needed to be made. It’s easy for others to judge us from afar or on high in their comfort. They don’t come down to the trenches, nor go and gather information while protecting one’s identity from Republic ears. Don’t listne to those voices. Instead, I hope you listen to the voice taht tells you your work within the Imperial military was nothing to be ashamed of. Furthermore, your work in intelligence was commendable and worthy of our Empire. I do so hope you listen to that voice, and not give into despair.

That is all I wish to say. I do so hope you read this and come back to us.

Sincerely, nulis <love> your brolin,

Darth Caedusios>

I wipe a small tear from my eyes. If only I went to Caedusios after Yavin IV… I could’ve used that pep talk. Better late then never, I suppose. The next letter is from… Theron Shan. I look at it and almost not read it, but then I take a breath and select it. I owe Theron at least to hear his message, regardless of its contents. As Theron talks, I change from my robe into more formal clothing. I might as well head to this meeting after I hear the last of my mail. Theron’s letter almost makes me faint:

Dear Crimsèn,

I've written this message twice now. Okay, more than twice. Kinda weird writing something that may never be read.

Lana says you’re locked in carbonite, but alive. (Yeah, we’re in touch. Long story.) I like to think you’re having one crazy dream. And maybe I’m in it. But I don't want to presume.

We never declared what this--you and me--is... was... Have I mentioned I'm bad at relationships? Another reason I'm a workaholic.

I’m rambling. The point I’m trying to make is-whatever’s between us, I want you to know that I care about you. A lot. The whole galaxy's lost its mind. The thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're out there, and we’re putting together a plan to rescue you. I might not be there-we’ve all got our parts to play--but I haven't forgotten about you or our time together. I never will.

With affection,

Theron Shan

Theron cares about me? He cares about me?! I suppose he answered the burning question: He’s not the best at relationships, so didn’t say anything earlier! I bet he was as nervous as I was… Well, the time for being nervous and unsure is almost over. As my brolin said, I have nothing to be ashamed of and I’m Tsis, which is Sith for purebloods. I will go and try to rally these people together into a fighting force, and find a way into Theron Shan’s heart!

“Come on, HK-51,” I shout into the ship as I head for the exits, “We have an alliance to build!”

Crim's Outfit: https://vadess40blog.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/swtor-2015-10-21-04-21-31-38.png

Part 3:

“Don’t look at me”, I hear a voice say as I enter the conference room, “I’ve snuck into some crazy places, but stations like these are another deal altogether.”

I slowly enter and look around the room: I see Koth, Lana, Theron, Senya, and some new people. One of them looks like a cathar, but with smaller ears and wears a Republic uniform. Another is a blue hutt that speaks basic? Things have changed in the last five years.

I see a couple of Voss there, and a mirlian smuggler. Some nod their heads at me as Theron speaks: “Alright, we’ll table it for now, we’ve got company.”

I glance around the room, and gulp quietly. I look to Theron and ask, “What’s all this?”

“We’re building a healthy alliance, but it’s not enough. The Core Worlds are still under the threat of Arcann’s considerable reach.”

“An alliance of who?”

“Hylo Viz,” the mirlian spoke up, “Sure you’ve heard of me. Broke the toughest blockade in galactic history? Republic’s greatest outlaw hero, basically.”

I raise an eyeridge and then nod in her direction. One of the voss steps forward. “Your visage surfaced in my trials. I am the Mystic Sana-Rae. I will assist you.”

They all go down the list. I widen my eyes when the Hutt asks about experimenting on my brain. Doesn’t anyone else besides me think my brain has been kriffed with enough?

“Hello, all of you,” I say with a smile, “and no, Doctor, you can’t experiment on my brain.”

The Doctor face palmed while Theron turned to me. He looks quite handsome in that light. Theron comments, “So, that’s the team. Any questions?”

There are millions of questions in my head! Many questions that maybe should not be answered today. At least not when one is burning in my mind since I heard his voice again, and read his letter: “What do I have to do to find out what you’ve been up to all these years?”

Theron smiles knowingly, and answers, “We’ll get a chance to talk. Soon.”

Then everyone dispersed. Including Theron! I do hear them talk of a party at the cantina. A party? I smile and then race back to my ship. My partying outfits from when I would visit gay cantinas on Nar Shaddaa are still there. I can wear one, go to the party, and not stop until Theron lets me talk to him. Alone.

Author's Note: Sorry this is kinda tiny. Didn't really want to write out every last line in that scene, especially since I'd have to scour the internet to get them all! Besides, it's really just a bridge to the scene of the hour: Going to the cantina!

Part 4:

Cover Image

HK-51 is flustered, I think. I only assume he is from voice tone, as droids do not really have body language or social ques. He and I are at the party. I’m wearing one of my favourite outfits for going gay-cantina hopping- Full metallic purple body suit with a zipper at the front lowered enough to get a glimpse of my chest’s ridges, and cuts that reveal my hips. I know this will attract many eyes, male and female, but it is worth the risk if the right eyes focus on me.

HK-51 speaks as I walk past him: “Statement: For the last time, I was not on the place called Asylum and I have never met you before..”

“Well look who it is,” Theron looks at me with a raised brow, “don’t worry we didn’t really start without you.”

I look around the place with a smile, my hips moving to the beats coming from the jukebox. I have missed dancing, missed conversation… Theron Shan’s eyes are on me. I can feel it. “Yes, we’ve only just begun,” Lana states and hands me a drink, “We weren’t sure you’d attend.”

“Why not? I love these kinds of parties. Reminds me of the time I snuck into one of Kaas’ cities underground gaybars,” I sip a drink in between sentences, it tastes good but not strong enough to really do anything to me, “besides a chance to unwind and relax after what we've been through is exactly what we need.”

Koth looks at me. “Wait a minute- gay bar?”

“Yes. Gaybar,” I glanced to him and stated simply, “Obviously you did not quite catch my flirts while we were on Zakuul. Do you want my autograph now?”

Kotch chuckles and looks down. “Nope- Just keep bein surprised at the Outlander being a rebel.”

Did Theron tense at our exchange? He did and he still is with the way his shoulders barely move, and his lips press together. I drink some of the ale, smiling over at the group. “What kind of Outlander conforms? Besides a boring one? Though, I wouldn’t categorize being gay as a form of rebellion.”

Theron smirks and hands me another beverage after I polish mine off. Koth looks around, "Though the outlander is right- we need time to relax. Now get this guy," He nods to Theron, "to cheer up."

"I'm reasonably cheery. I'm joining in. And now you are too!" Theron looks up at me with a smirk.

I smile down into those beautiful eyes. I could keep drinking, but that would mean missing a chance to really speak with Theron. Again. Not happening. “I was actually hoping to have a talk with one of you first…” I speak as an invitation.

“Really? Who did you have in mind?” Koth asks, head poking up.

I point to Theron. “Come on, Theron. Let’s catch up.”

Theron nods, “You got it,” and we walk away.

At first we are silent, and I take advantage of it to enjoy his presence. The silence though… Too much silence in five years! Time to address the many banthas in the room. “Half a decade, and you can stay silent?”

Theron looks down and shakes his head. “Yeah, not the best reunion. What do you want to know?”

“Why are you no longer with the SIS?” Yes, start with something small and simple-ish.

“With the way everything changed, the SIS didn’t seem right for me anymore. So, I walked away. Kept up with my contacts, pretty much did what I was already doing, just not for the Republic. Not for anything. Against Zakuul.”

Alright, for right now I will go back to being the professional: “Were you able to make any headway?”

“I have found sympathetic Zakuulans, but not many. A lot of folks moved out here from the core worlds. I’m having better luck of recruiting them, but they’re also under suspicion of being dissidents. And I guess Lana already filled you in on the rest…”

I nod slowly and we are silent for a moment. I drink the rest of my second beverage and take a breath. “Theron… I… So many things I want to say…”

“You don’t have to say anything. You can be as quiet as you like,” he states and comes closer, “you’ve earned it after everything. Want you to know, I’ll do everything I can to keep things running smoothly around here.”

I move closer and almost reach for his face. Almost. Instead I raise my right eye ridge, and smirk: “So, you’ll take care of anyone who needs you?”

Theron smirks back, and shakes his head. “Not just anyone,”and his eyes soften, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to thaw you out. Look at all you’ve accomplished. Everyone who chose to rally behind you. I haven’t been one of those ‘destiny’ people in a long time, but this? Sure feels like it.”

“If you mean being here with you? I agree.” Then, I was moving before I could stop myself. Seeing those eyes, the way his face was shaped, and those lips made something click within me. He was in my arms, and I pressed my lips to his.

It was different from Rishi, and Yavin. It was more real, and had a stronger connection. He opens his mouth, and I return his movement. I taste his lips, mouth, and eventually he moves from mine and I feel lips along my jaw. I feel my hands going to his jacket, and stop myself. He rests his head against my shoulder, and hold him there by wrapping my arms around his waist.

“Why did you stop?” he asks me very quietly.

“Because we’re out in public, and I don’t think you’re ready for my more adventurous side. I’m not ready for my adventurous side.”

Theron chuckles and steps back. “We should head back to the party…”

“I’m not letting you walk away from me, Theron,” I blurt out without thinking and walk closer to him, taking his hand. “I’ve waited over five years for us to be here. I’m not going to let you disappear into the crowd, forgotten.”

Theron looks up at me, and brushes his fingers along my chin. “And I won’t let you stay here while I go back out there alone. I know we still haven’t decided things, and us, but I will give us the chance to find out this time.”

We head back to the group. They talk about other things, but my mind is too focused on the ex-SIS agent to really pay attention. Hopefully we will continue our conversation soon. Now I’m just enjoying being in the presence of my romantic interest and saying to hell with the rest of the galaxy.

Author's Note: Well, that was a fun chapter to write! They're being romantic, but not quite at being lovers. Will it change? Of course it will, as I don't want an angry mob outside my house. Don't worry, the next chapter will be up soon!

Cover Image

Subject: For When You Wake Up

Dear Crimsèn,

I've written this message twice now. Okay, more than twice. Kinda weird writing something that may never be read.

Lana says you’re locked in carbonite, but alive. (Yeah, we’re in touch. Long story.) I like to think you’re having one crazy dream. And maybe I’m in it. But I don't want to presume.

We never declared what this--you and me--is... was... Have I mentioned I'm bad at relationships? Another reason I'm a workaholic.

I’m rambling. The point I’m trying to make is-whatever’s between us, I want you to know that I care about you. A lot. The whole galaxy's lost its mind. The thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're out there, and we’re putting together a plan to rescue you. I might not be there-we’ve all got our parts to play--but I haven't forgotten about you or our time together. I never will.

With affection,

Theron Shan

#

This is the third or fourth time I have read Theron’s letter. He might not be the best at writing romance, but he does not have to be. All he has to be is real. Real—What is that?

I do not know anymore. When I was knocked out and put into carbonite, I lost a sense of real. All I can see now is report after report after new contact after another Star Fortress and then another way Koth and Senya try to get under each other’s skin. Couple all those things with the Sith Emperor in my head, and dreams of biological parents I have not seen in decades and you have the beginnings of a broken reality.

This is why I pull out Theron’s letter again. I read the words and let my mind drift back to when I saw him again. I remember the scent of his cologne, the look on his face, and even the uncertainty of how to flirt with me. I almost feared it was a lead up to him being taken. Instead he allows me to come in, and eventually press my lips against his.

Then it was done. We did not really talk or interact again. Everyone, especially Hylo’vis, was talking about how he and I were the couple of the day. Yet it went back to all work. No hugs, no dates, no kisses. He and I were just… there. I want to change that, but I cannot go where he is not comfortable. All I can do is watch him from a distance.

I head to my current station; it’s time for Cipher 8 to get back to work. Perhaps it is for the best? If I am working, Valkorian is elsewhere. So many potential allies to investigate, and next to no leads into Arcann’s weaknesses. This explains why some Sith Lords, like Valkorian, should be banned from reproducing. My biological parents, thankfully, stopped with me. At least, I think they stopped with me. Who’s to know? I have not kept in contact with them for eighteen years!

I stand up and stretch, crack some of my joints, and survey my surroundings. There was Lana and Koth working away, and joking between each other. I give a smug look: She denies it, but I know those two are an item. Then of course Senya, so dedicated and yet eyes so far away. Would mine be far away too if I was fighting two of my three children? Perhaps. Though I feel them looking far away from time to time. Far away to the life I lost: The joking and discussions with Dr. Lokin, the feel of Vector’s smooth skin against mine, and the mentoring words from my adopted older brother, Ratsoi.

I will my eyes to look no further. I do not need to remember being tied up and at my father’s mercy as a boy, or seeing Valkorian in mind when I first entered the carbonite. The carbonite. Five years gone from me because I was frozen in carbonite. Five years I will never get back, and I have never really had time to mourn them. The days I lost, the love I lost, and the contact with people I lost.

Arms settle around my chest. My first reflex, learned from the Intelligence training facility on Ziost and honed in years since, would have been to immediately drive my knife into the attacker who had somehow gained my back. Only a novel, brittle sense of caution suppresses the urge. Craning my neck back, my eyes search for the figure who had snuck up behind me when his voice reaches my ears: “It’s quitting time, you know. Well, for normal people.”

I take a few deep breaths to slow my heart rate. It was Theron Shan—Theron is not my enemy! Why is he embracing me this way? Is he opening up to me like he did a few months ago at the cantina? Or am I dreaming again and soon I will wake up to reality?

I rest my hands on his. How can he embrace me so well, given my frame is slightly bigger than his? I compare his gloved hands to mine. Underneath his are tanned human hands, while under mine are tanned sith pureblood hands with filed down claws. “Midnight already?” I finally answer him. “Time flies when you’re trying to prevent the galactic apocalypse.

Theron chuckled and rested his head against my back. It warmed with his touch- such a contrast with the cold of the nights I have slept in recent times. “It’s always midnight somewhere, Crim.”

I turn around so we are face to face. Theron rests his head against my chest. “I'm sorry, Crim. Can I rest here for a moment? Sleep likes to allude me these days.”

If this is a dream, I never want to wake up. I will gladly spend one more day in carbonite if I can just dream of someone I am falling in love with resting against me. It is so warm and so quiet; I could do with more real quiet. Deathly silence has been too common in the role as Commander of the Alliance, and sometimes the noise of one more argument or another expectation for the Outlander threatens to deafen me.

“Vacation.” The quiet words cut into my thoughts. “I just love the sound of the word. ‘Va-ca-tion.’”

I smile as I look up and close my eyes. My voice is also quiet. “This your way of telling me you want to go on vacation?”

I feel Theron’s chin shift under my chest and I look down with eyes re-opened to see his eyes looking into mine. Has anyone other than Lana, Valkorian, and Arcann looked me in the eye? How I have missed such contact.

Theron asks, “Don’t you love the sound of that idea?”

“After five years in carbonite, running around the galaxy, and keeping Koth and Senya from killing each other? Yes, I do love the sound of that idea. We both have earned a little rest and relaxation. Ideally the real kind where no one calls us back to work, and you relax instead of sort of relax while still working. Have you actually slept in a real bed this week?”

Theron blushed. “It’s a bad habit. Not easy to sleep when the galaxy is coming to an end. I’m amazed you can sleep—how can you when everyone expects you to rescue them?”

I look at him and wonder the same thing. “I do not know. I think my body is forcing me to sleep, and try to get some rest. Perhaps shut out all the noise externally and internally.”

Theron reaches and kisses my cheek. A simple gesture and my skin tingles. Am I a teenager that a peck on the cheek is equivalent to making love under the stars? Perhaps five years of total isolation heightens the senses? I can feel my desire for more, yet I will not become greedy. Theron is being affectionate for the first time in six weeks; I will not push him away because I need more of his touch, more of his lips.

I know why he is hesitant: I was terrified when I realised I only liked men. It is probably weirder for him to realise he is falling for another man. I can force myself to be patient, and in small ways it has been successful: A couple of days ago we were sitting in the cantina and he held my hand—Theron Shan held my hand! Now, here we are just holding one another for anyone to see as they walk by.

Perhaps it is time I asked for more in a private setting? Now that some of the dust has settled, we should be alone so I can tell him how much I need and love him. I do not think I have told him… “I know the perfect spot.”

Theron looked up, surprised by this: “You do?”

I reach to brush my fingers around his implants. “During our time on Yavin IV, I found ruins that are quite secluded. There we can talk, and I mean really talk, about us without worrying about the alliance. I’d like to take you there and say and what I should have said all those years ago.”

Theron nods along as I speak. "I like the idea. I don't think the Alliance will miss us if we are gone for a couple of days. Alright, Crim, let's take your ship.”

My ship, the Phantom, was so empty when I entered it after five years. Thankfully, Theron is here with me. With Theron ship is full.*

Cover Image

Yavin IV is where my Massassi ancestors arrived after being banished from the home world with their master, Naga Sadow. When I descend the ramp, the jungle heat rushes up to me and suddenly my loose clothes feel two sizes too small for my frame. Birdsong bursts around me from hidden singers in the canopy above, and a trace of fragrant wood smoke reaches my nostrils, swept in from some far off campfire. Then, to my surprise, a faint but familiar rumble just barely audible under the jungle din prompts a confirming glance upwards. A starship engine - no, make that three rumbling engines, far above where any bird flies. Though not concerned, I'm surprised - I thought this moon had been all but forgotten in the six years since Revan's defeat. I close my eyes a moment and just listen. I take a deep breath in through my nostrils, breath in the smell of forest and old stone, and let out through my mouth the stresses we left behind on Odessen.

Because since Naga Sadow’s time many Sith have used Yavin IV for their gain, it is a moon that has embraced ‘peace is a lie.’ How did it come to be so peaceful now? More so than Odessen, a world that should be neutral in the Force? Perhaps peace is a lie if you do not look for it in the dark?

I open my eyes and turn around to face the ship. I see Theron go down the ramp and look around. “Wow,” he gasps with wide eyes, “This is… wow… Like the place we left behind. Only it sees more sun.”

I smile at him while a cool breeze flows over us. My hair dances with it, but Theron’s remains still. Makes me wonder what he puts in it? I’ll have to ask him sometime about it.

Theron turns to me. “I don't understand; why here? Why bring me here?” He looks down and way as I walk back to him, “I did not exactly leave you here with plans to meet on Nar Shaddaa somewhere.”

*

I reach out and lift his chin so I can gaze into his eyes. “It’s quiet, has some good memories, and it is away from everything. Why shouldn't we be here?”

*“The Massassi? They are not friendly, and we do not know if Zakuul will come here for any reason.”

*“Relax.” I turn around and head down the stone steps onto a foot path that leads to the entrance of a large temple. The soil is soft beneath my feet—a nice change from the metal of the base. “My cousins will not disturb us, and if Arcann cared about this moon he would have left evidence of it long before now.”

Theron looked at me with lips parted slightly: “You have Massassi blood? No wonder you are so big!”

I sigh as we walk. “Theron, I’m this huge because Imperial Intelligence made me this way to ensure I would be the perfect Cipher agent. Thankfully, being this size has many advantages so I do not complain about it much.”

“Your height and strength make you a very comfortable man to hug, for example.”

*I stop and slowly turn around. “If you like my hugs so much, why are you so resistant when I try to give them?”

****

Theron coughs. “I'm letting you hug me all the time now.”

*“Now that we are in private, you mean. Do not think that I will hug you now that no one is looking.”

*“I did not mean it like that. I hugged you on Odessen, and we walked holding hands toward the Phantom after letting Lana know we were going on an adventure. Surely those count for something.”

“They count, of course -” I answer curtly, starting to walk up the ramp again, “- but not for a make out session in private and then a month of almost nothing.”

Theron clears his throat and runs to catch up to me: “So, Cipher Hug-able, what did you have in mind for a vacation? I still love saying that word: vacation.”

Alright, Theron, we will discuss it later. I allow myself a small smile and a “Follow me,” before heading towards the entrance. The steps lead into a giant stone complex, which I assume was some temple centuries ago. Inside we hear dripping water, and our feet echo on the floor. I guide us to where the water increases from drips to flowing. Theron gasps as we ascend the small stairs to a room where a waterfall flows over the rocks into a small pool.

We stand there a few moments and take in the waterfall. Eventually he nods in approval and states, “Let’s start a fire!”

I nod in agreement. “I can head back to the ship and get a couple of steaks for dinner.”

In about an hour he and I are sitting next to a fireplace. I cook the meat because I was trained as chef during my undercover days. Theron Shan sits and watches me work: “So, you spied on the Republic for seven years through culinary school?”

I chuckle and nod. “And learning to be a bar tender. It is amazing what people talk about over a good meal.”

“Why didn’t I think of that? Most of my missions were against people like the Shroud, and your current Empress.”

“I’m curious- Did you have a codename?”

***

*“Not exactly. I did have a nickname, Technoplague, because I killed Darth Acina’s predecessor. Never a codename in spite of my last name clearly connected to Satele’s.”

“Have you heard from her recently?”

*Theron shook his head. I took in the scents of the meat I am cooking over the fire- It smells so good, and nothing like the rations we often have to eat while on a mission. Thank the Force.

Theron cuts into my thoughts: “What about you? Were you able to find your family?”

“My adoptive parents, yes, though I have not contacted them directly. My biological parents… I neither know nor care if they are still alive. Probably best if they are dead, since they cannot come after me.”

“Come after you? Are they Zakuul sympathizers?”

I continue to turn the meat, staring into the fire for a moment. “They do not like homosexual men; I am a homosexual man. I have never been able to bond with women in a romantic, never mind sexual, way, and for that they would murder me. It is why I ran away from them to my adoptive parents’ house at fifteen. I never looked back.”

Theron places a hand on my shoulder. “Well, I hope they are dead. And if they do come after you, they will be at the mercy of Technoplague. I’ll kill them like I killed Darth Mekhis!”

The warmth from the fire and the cool of the water mirrors the tender, yet serious, moment Theron and I are having. “Thank you, Theron, though I hardly think about it anymore.” What else could I say to such conviction?

“Yet you grew quiet talking about it. Something tells me there is more to the story.”

I shrug and gently remove the meat to a makeshift table. I start to carve it slowly. I then stop: If I want Theron to open up to me, I have to open up to him don’t I? No matter how painful it becomes. So I stop cutting up our supper and turn around to face Theron Shan. I took a few deep breaths and simply state: “To ensure I would have a strong connection to the darkside, they were abusive. The abuse was supposed to instill the right amount of anger and hatred into me.”

I hand a plate of meat to a silent man. He opens his mouth a few times to speak before closing it. Finally, he comments, “To think five years ago on Rishi I was telling you about how amusing it was for my mother to refer to me as her ‘agent’. Little did I know I was talking to, and got kissed, by a man who was lucky if his own mother called him that. I am an ******e.” He looks down as he finishes his thought, “You kissed an ******e, Crim. I hope you are happy…”

*I knelt down so he could look in my eyes. “No! No, Theron, you were wonderful. You were the closest I have had to kindred spirit- A man born of force user who went a different path. Believe me, it was refreshing. You are refreshing.”

*

Theron smiled, and the looked away with a small laugh. “I’m refreshing, am I? Even from a distance?”

I nod and lightly kiss his lips. “You are.”

I then get up to retrieve my meal and we eat in comfortable silence. From the look on his face I can tell he is enjoying the feast. His face is so handsome. Yet he is still wearing his usual ‘uniform’ so I do not have an idea of who lives underneath. I think now is the time to change that.

“So, Theron,” I ask tentatively, “have you ever been with a man before?”

Theron shakes his head, biting his lip a little. I press further, “How come? Too busy with work? Never met a man you liked?”

Theron shifts in his seat, slowly chewing the last of his dinner and swallowing. “I found some men attractive, like I found some women attractive, but to openly be with a man, never mind love one, was too weird for me. And I'm weird enough as it is.”

I raise an eye ridge: “I would describe you as brave, handsome, and resourceful. Why do you say you are weird?”

“I am the son of the Grand Master of the Jedi Order, but have no Force, and am an SIS agent. Not to mention I can kill a sith one day, and team up with one the next, and I am too busy staring into my own work I do not even notice when I am falling in love with someone. No wonder destiny had to bring us together—if it was up to me alone, we would not even be speaking. I... I am sorry for acting like a shy teenager. Shouldn’t five years be enough time to come to terms with my feelings? Never mind learn how to balance personal and business in life?”

I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I understand, Theron. Being a bit different is never easy, and I too need time to come to terms with my sexual and romantic orientation. However, I really do not want to be ‘the friend’ who is only your lover behind closed doors.”

“And I do not want you to only be my lover when no one is looking. If I am honest with the both of us, I would say I have been dying to truly be alone with you since I landed on Odessen. Hey, what are you doing?”

To be continued...

Author's Note: I realized in hindsight of making Crim that the chances of pureblood parents caring if their child is gay is remote, but I chose to stick with it because I'm sure there are the odd purebloods where furthering a bloodline > freedom with one's passions. That's where their attitude comes from. For Crim, it worked. In my mind anyway.