Please upgrade your browser for the best possible experience.

Chrome Firefox Internet Explorer

When I Wake

EverSteam's Avatar

11.08.2012 , 04:19 AM | #141
Updated Yours to Hold. Covers Torian's thoughts on Belsavis events and of course his rescue. Goes with post 137.
Will update this in a moment.

Quote: Originally Posted by MilaniGrey View Post
nom nom nom this story

Quote: Originally Posted by Adwynyth View Post
Thanks I was 'SUQEE-ing' when I wrote it. I'm glad you liked it

EverSteam's Avatar

11.09.2012 , 03:57 AM | #142
Two Days Later...

We make it back to the ship two days later in the early morning.

He likes to hunt. I like him. I like to compete. And win. He likes to try. I didn't really want the days to end. Or the nights. We are fierce with each other. We almost lost each other once. We will fight to keep each other and become one. But it is Hoth and I want to be somewhere warmer.

I'm surprised everyone is awake and ready when we return. Even Gault is awake and not yawning. We meet in the cockpit.

Mako is the first to speak. 'Glad to see you both made it back ok. She taking good care of you?'

'Always.' Torian smiles a little at me and stands close and straight at my side. His voice is deep with love and happiness. I always take care of what is mine.

But something enters my awareness. Something else was said under that. I did not like it. I look suspiciously at Mako. At Torian. We will talk later. I feel something has transpired and now Torian is safe, I will not brush it aside. Gault is watching me. He is too amused. Yes, something happened while I was gone on Belsavis and I'm the only one that doesn't know.

'We back on the hunt?' Torian sounds eager for action as always. I like the way he can almost die and want to return to business immediately.

'Plot a course for Nar Shaddaa. Voss can wait for now. Let's just celebrate tonight.' I try a smile. It doesn't reach my eyes. Suspicion is lurking in its silver depths; it is cold and hard as steel. Before I realise, blades have extended out of my wrists again. Gault eyes me with amusement and I hate how transparent I am to him. I don't bother to try and force them away and no one else notices.

I'm more than ready to kill Mako.


Around two hours later...

Blizz doesn't stick around for the party.

Now Torian is safe, Blizz wants to go and get back what was taken for him by Jeerle. We're on Hoth so this is his one chance. So it's just us. And Skadge. He's not as lively or fun as Blizz. Or as nice smelling. I hope Blizz comes back safe. I have faith in him. I gave him a comm in case he gets into trouble. I don't think he'll need it. Told him we'd wait for him on Nar Shaddaa and gave him enough credits for five trips. Just wanted to make sure.

When we all sit down in the cargo bay and Mako stops complaining about it, Skadge wants to know what we do for entertainment.

'Drink,' is Gault's contribution. It's a pretty important one. When I think about it, we are either fighting or drinking. Half our money goes into alcohol. I don't know why I drink when it doesn't affect me. Guess I need to do something. Don't know why Mako's still a light weight. Been months since Gault came aboard and increased the habit. Should be able to handle her liquor better than a twelve year old by now.

'Mostly, we throw ingrates out of the air lock.' I sneer at Skadge. I'm not joking. The threats real. He just laughs and asks when we'll come by some. 'Keep it up and you won't wait long.'

Skadge laughs some more. It's a disgusting deep sound like a long, strangled croak. 'Don't worry, I'll treat you nice and gentle, girlie.' Skadge reaches for my arm but it's Torian that stops him.

Torian stands and keeps hold of the Houk's fat, slimy wrist. 'Touch her and I'll be treating you something far from nice and gentle.'

Torian's defence of me makes me smile. Like the serious set of his features as he glares Skadge down. I will wait till later to ask. For now, he is mine. And I will forget anything that challenges that. Including the hurt and irritated gaze Mako levels at Torian and I.

Skadge stands and despite how tall Torian is, Skadge is a good head taller. Skadge wrenches his hand from Torian's grip and moves the hand to his gun. 'Bring it on, runt.'

I punch Skadge in his fat, grotesque stomach and bring my elbow into up into where a jaw should be. It's satisfying. 'Nayc solus jurkadir Torian.' No one threatens Torian.

Skadge rubs his heavy chin and sums me up. He turns a sneer onto Torian. 'So weak you need a girlie to fight for you, runt?'

Torian's lips twitch. Faster than I thought Torian could move, he lays three strikes to Skadge. Skadge goes out cold. His fall is loud and hard. Softly clap my hand on Torian's shoulder and squeeze it. I roll Skadge over with my foot so his carcass is out of the way. I grin up at Torian. 'Nice job. Though next time, don't leave your left side so open. Want to do a comb like that again, go more like this.' I demonstrate on him.

'Thanks, Cyare.' He beams a little as a proud smile tugs at his lips. I like the vicious hatred that still shines in his eyes. Give in to an impulse and kiss his lips softly. We take back our seats. Gault carries on drinking as if he isn't surprised or notices. Mako gives me a disapproving stare and I notice her tiny fists clenched on the crate.

The four of us drink. Seems like it has been a long time since we did this. I suppose it has been. And it will only be a matter of time before Mako reminds me why. But until then, I will enjoy it.

'I would like to raise a toast.' We all pick up our respective bottles. 'To Torian. To us. To freedom. And the death of the Republic!'

Mako tries to hide a glare at me, Gault sneers at Torian but mutters a 'hear hear' and Torian merely watches me. Despite this, when we clink out bottles together, we feel a unanimity.

Gault and Mako tell me what they have been doing while I was gone. As Mako talks, Gault rolls his eyes at me and does crude hand gestures to me. Seems Gault wasn't appreciative of being left alone with Mako and the gestures entail the numerous ways he thought of killing himself among other things. Torian glances at Gault with severe distaste which only makes Gault worse.

I laugh at them all and wonder how my life came to flying across the galaxy with far too many twisted love triangles in a crew where everyone hates someone and no one is universally liked except for the carbonite frozen man who we use as a target stand. Where the **** did it go wrong?

When Mako finishes and Gault fills in his part, he is eager to talk about what he had wanted to share since we arrived back.

'So? Do you notice anything different?'

Gault stands and turns in a circle, arms out. 'Weight gain for one. You should lay off the wine. And junk food.' Mako laughs. Torian's mouth twitches. Pleased by the spiteful glint in his eye as he looks at Gault. Nice to know Torian isn't always sweet. He meets my eye and shrugs: 'Got a longer list if you want to hear it later.' I like this side of my charming Mandalorian.

'And they said this stuff was slimming.' Gault shakes his head in melodrama and flops back down onto a pillow. 'Acquired myself some new form fitting armour. Wanted to see if it would stand up against a trained eye. Apparently so if your observation is anything to go by.' He is mocking. I smile and laugh. I have kind of missed this. Never thought I would miss Gault.

'Be happy to see if it stands up against my blaster.' Torian raises an eyebrow but doesn't comment. Can sense him thinking he'd be more than happy to try it. Gault seems to notice and shoots him a quick glare. Want to know what they've got against each other. Amusing for now, but once again I think I don't want my crew members killing each other.

Gault pretends to feel appreciative of my offer. 'Nice to see you have my welfare in mind. It was actually you I was thinking of when I bought it. Never know when your gorgeously psychotic captain will turn on you. Again.'

I laugh. We all do and that that's a little sick and twisted. Wonder when trying to kill them all became a joke. Before they can stop their laughter or realise, Gault is on his back, my blaster to his chest and his arm twisted above his head.

'Yep. You never know.' I sneer in his face. And then laugh. Feel Torian's eyes watching me steadily. Don't need to look to know he's watching me hard enough that I might combust. Gault rolls his eyes and I back off him offering him a hand up. He takes it casually but a wary note has crept into his movements.

'My point is proven and I will drink to it.' And he does. Finishes the bottle in one. He's swift to open another.

We continue to talk and somehow laugh. Don't know how that's possible. Enough friction in the room to start a fire. Mako falls asleep at some time. Gault wonders off into his room. Torian and I take Mako to her bed. I lean against the door frame, watching closely as he lies her down. Remember the days when Gault and I would just leave her where ever she had passed out.

'So. You and Mako get along well when I'm not here?'

'Suppose,' is his only careful reply. His eyes are searching when they look at me. I let it show it's anything but a careless inquiry. 'Something I needed to tell you, Champion.' I'm starting to see a pattern when he calls me that. 'When you were gone, Mako asked questions.' He pauses uncomfortably.

I don't move from the doorway. He isn't going anywhere. Not till I am satisfied. That may involve two dead bodies. This time I do try and stop the turret from bashing against my armour. 'She asked what we were. Said I'm not sure. She asked if I liked you. Said I did. A lot.'

He rubs the back of his neck as he says the last part and averts his eyes for a moment. He is in an undershirt again. It's dark blue. His sleeves are lazily pushed up. His arms are strong. I want them around me and to hear he is only ever mine.

He continues and he seems aware that these words could be his last. 'Said she liked me. Wanted to know if that changed anything. Said it didn't.' He shrugs then crosses his arms. He flashes a small smile. 'Already knew that. Didn't need to over hear your conversation back on Nar Shaddaa to know that though.' His eyes are hard and demand understanding. 'That's all. She said to forget it. And I did. But I needed to tell you. No secrets.'

I turn and walk out. Sit back in my throne. He takes his usual seat. I stare hard into his eyes. And I trust; I believe. I remember Mako's words. 'Torian would never cheat on you.' I knew there was more to that. *****. Ignore the fact she admitted to me she liked Torian long before I dreamed on being anywhere near a scene with Torian. 'Is she taking care of you?' Impudent *********** child. My blades come out and Torian eyes me warily.

But it is all ok. He is mine. And I am his. I breathe deep and force the blades back. 'Nice to know.' Don't like a no secrets policy. Not something I can follow. So I don't comment on it. 'So Mako and you didn't do anything but talk all those nights?'

He frowns and nods. 'Course. Never touched her. Don't like her, Cyare.'

I nod and change the subject. I suppose I'm satisfied with that. I start to speak Mandalorian. I describe the creatures that lived further in Belsavis. He listens. There is a space between us. And this conversation isn't enough. I grope behind my crate and bring around a techstaff I found. 'Took it from a leader Esh-Kha. Thought you might like it. Trophy or new weapon.'

He nods. It's an agreement nod. He stands and balances the weight of it. Does practice moves and his eyes focus on somewhere ahead. Usually enjoy the view but right now I only want him to turn and look at me like he always had.

'Don't want you to worry. Mako will move on. I've only got eyes for you. Only ever had eyes for you.' He has turned around and his dark eyes are intense. He is worried that things will bottle up in me. Suppose they could have. Or that I will kill him and Mako. Suppose I still might kill her. But I trust Torian. For the second time in my life, I am willing to trust a man. Fool.

I smile and wave his concerns away. 'I'm not worried.'

Torian does a few more strokes with the staff. Practiced and easy. I watch him; my gaze taking in his muscles, his movements, posture, hair and hands like someone who has not eaten for months. He stops and sits down again. He drinks a little and then looks away at the wall somewhere to my right.

'You and Gault have always seemed a little close,' he finally says. Almost the most blunt thing he has ever said. Still takes me a back. Like the way Torian makes statements sound like questions. Sound like an accusation from anyone else.

I shrug. 'Yeah, I suppose. He's still alive if that's what you mean by close.' I keep my face blank. Maybe a little quizzical. I want him to spell this out. Because now the shock is over, it's surprising and more than a little funny to me.

He shifts his eyes to the crate in front of us. When he speaks, it's in Mando'a. 'I meant more...' He trails of. Thinks. He does a tumbling motion with a hand.


'Have you and him...' He clenches his fists on the crate.


'Were you ever...' They start to shake and some part of me tells me to stop but I don't.


'Together! Did you ever ****, alright?!' He thumps his hand on the crate, making our glasses wobble a little. Gault peaks out from his room curiously for a moment, sneers and disappears again with his room door closing behind.

Torian looks at me angrily. He knew what I was doing. Not as satisfying since he's angry. Didn't think he really thought that. Thought it was a small suspicion, not a disfigured monster that had been clinging to his back and whispering malicious words. Guess I underestimated him.

Gault and I didn't stop drinking together straight away after Torian came aboard. But the increasing presence of him and Mako around kind of chilled things. Wasn't as fun then. So we would leave them sometimes. Go to the strange area between the cockpit and holoterminal and drink there. Our silences were filled with Mako's distant laughter. I don't know what she could have possibly been laughing at and I don't want to know. It wasn't as fun. So usually, we just went to bed. Separate beds. Usually.

Sometimes, we would just sleep there. Nothing in it though. Guess the few mornings Torian and Mako found us together in uncompromising positions still gave the wrong idea. Never wanted to read too much into Torian's rigid, serious gaze. Didn't want to notice the hurt that was there.

Guess then everything at Hoth happened. Then Belsavis. Haven't really spoken to just Gault in a while. Though there was that time when Torian went hunting... But I'd never sleep with Gault. Thought is sickening. And funny. Not how our relationship works. But it seems Torian doesn't know that.

I give Torian a tiny smile. It's slightly teasing. 'Maybe. Why? You jealous?'

He gives me a look that is close to a glare; I am enjoying this too much. But after tonight, I won't want him to ever look at me with so much irritation again. 'Depends if I have reason to be. Seen how close you two are. Way he looks at you.'

I do laugh then. 'He looks at everything vaguely female like that.'

His scowl lightens a little. 'Not Mako.'

I scoff at the idea. 'She's hardly a woman.' Don't like him being anywhere near thinking Mako is worth looking at. I stand up and walk around the crate. I straddle his lap and lift his face to mine.

Torian's lips twitch once but then goes back to a frown. Think he's still doubting me.

'Never been with Gault in any way. And in no world will I ever be with Gault.' I bend down a little awkwardly and kiss him. He smiles a little. 'Blizz on the other hand... you've got some real competition there.' His smile gets a little larger. I lightly punch his forehead. It shifts his hair slightly out place. 'So don't be stupid. It's not that cute, Torian.'

He grins. 'You think I'm cute? Thought I was a 'stupid Mandalorian punk'?' Know he's joking but there's still bitterness in his voice.

I smirk at him to cover something in me aching. Wonder how long that's been bothering him. 'If you don't kiss me again you will be.' He kisses my cheek. I raise an eyebrow at him and he kisses it again, then my neck. Revolted to feel my knives come out behind his back. Torian kisses me with force on the lips and I can only watch horrified as this time they don't go away.

'It's only early. Let's hunt.'

They retract and I try not to shiver. I smile as if it doesn't hurt. 'I'm feeling ten to seven.'

Torian grins. 'You're on, ner beroya.' My bounty hunter.


Around 4 hours later...

Guess it isn't normal for people to heal things that didn't quite cut by hunting gang members. But I suppose not much about me is normal. And Torian is exceptional. I don't expect it to be any other way. Don't deserve his kisses in the night and what comes after, his sweet words or the way he looks at me. And I don't expect his love. I don't deserve it. And this will end better for him if I never have it.

Worried about how they wouldn't obey me and retract again earlier. Hadn't been that bad on Hoth. We managed. Meant a lot when he didn't leave in disgust. When he didn't give up on me. Got caught in a moment and allowed my shirt to come off. But when he touched the torn and scabbed skin on my shoulder and the very thin skin that was starting to grow back at the edges, I had to break away and put my shirt back on.

He looked at me with something far too close to sympathy. Buttoned my shirt for me and kissed me lightly. Hate how he made me forget myself. Almost had been feeling beautiful. But I didn't make the mistake again. And I couldn't stop when I had gotten so far. I didn't want him to slip away and realise what was happening. And it was so very worth it.

When we return, the others have woken and started to move around. Gault has already slipped out to visit some associates. Mako is displeased to wake and find ourselves on Nar Shaddaa. Don't know what Skadge is feeling but he grumbled something about seeing some friends.

I give orders not to be disturbed. I sit for a long time on my bed. I listen to the movements of the people of the ships. Their hearts. It calms me. Gives me focus. I have gone too long with too little serum. I did not take any after the morning of Torian's rescue. It's been four days.

I fought as if it didn't hurt. I don't think Torian noticed. I don't want his sympathy. I don't want his help. I don't want him to know. One thing at a time. I only take one vile. I find it hard to not take more. And that is dangerous. I shouldn't have taken three earlier. I know I will regret it.

I am calmer once I have it in me. I know this is the placebo. But it's ok. It's enough. No matter how much I may always want more.

It has to be enough.


Hope you enjoyed and was worth the wait.

iamthehoyden's Avatar

11.09.2012 , 10:54 AM | #143
" one is universally liked except for the carbonite frozen man who we use as a target stand"
Ok, that's just funny, as is Blizz being competition for Torian
aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Fan Fiction: My Name is Solomon Crae The Man in the Box

Earthmama's Avatar

11.09.2012 , 03:19 PM | #144
I love this thread! I've been away from the forums for a while, but I've been reading this religiously! I love it! looking forward to more soon! xo

EverSteam's Avatar

11.10.2012 , 07:56 AM | #145
Quote: Originally Posted by iamthehoyden View Post
Ok, that's just funny, as is Blizz being competition for Torian
I'm glad you thought so
And hey, Blizz is one sexy Jawa

Quote: Originally Posted by Earthmama View Post
I love this thread! I've been away from the forums for a while, but I've been reading this religiously! I love it! looking forward to more soon! xo
Thanks, that makes me so happy


A week and a half later...

Time on Nar Shaddaa past relatively uneventfully.

Skadge spent most of the time off the ship and we rarely spoke. When we did, it was far from polite. Mako did a impressive job of staying so far off my radar I had no idea where she was or what she doing at any time. Gault wasn't so great at that. Got into some trouble after the first day and already needed me to bail him out. I enjoyed the exercise. But by the fourth time, it was a nuisance.

Torian and I became inseparable. Spent time in my room, training, drinking or travelling across Nar Shaddaa looking for new bounties. Tried to go to a cantina one night. Wasn't repeated after it became a replicate of Taris. Only this time, the guys friends decided to step in. And so did Torian. I thought it was fun. Torian didn't quite agree.

After a week and a half of this, Blizz met up with us. Didn't want to wait for him to find the ship so we waited for him outside his landing bay. Was happy to see him. I was quick to run to him and sweep him into a hug. Almost crushed him though. I winked at Torian as I put Blizz down. Torian frowned a little. Kissed him quickly on the cheek. Spent that night with Blizz, listening with Torian to Blizz's adventure. Little guy made me proud. He's got a good head on him.

That night, we also set course for Voss. Enjoyed the routine of those days but I became restless. Can only put aside part of me for so long. My wrists have started to itch and soon my shoulder will be entirely covered in skin again. Torian noticed my wrists but didn't comment. That pleased me. What could I say about it? Nothing. Could only continue to scratch them raw. Never feel it and I don't notice I'm doing it. Only notice because it starts to leave blood on things. Only stops itching when I let the blades come out. Never happened before and though I search the datapads when alone, I can't find an explanation.

So I will do what I think is the only thing I can. I will do what I need to. Because not everything changes. I still need to destroy the Republic. I still want it. So much it makes my body ache.


In the morning...

We land on Voss.

There is a lackey to greet us at the air lock. Tormen sent the word ahead after I left him a message saying we were landing on Voss.

I tell him to get lost; he doesn't take the hint. 'Insists' on making the nuances in the 'delicacy of the situation' on Voss clear. It's like a boring lecture. I think about shooting him; reject that idea. He leaves. Arrogant for a servant. Fancy name for a slave.

Voss are one of the two native species here on Voss. They are rivals with the other, violent natives called Gormak's. Both the Republic and Sith want the Voss to join their side. But the Voss remain suspicious and independent for now. The Empire is hoping that by removing the General, this will change and that change will be in their favour. However, neither can actively act against the other while on Voss. Difficult thing for both sides.

'The Empire's stepping lightly, smells like trouble.'

I smile to Torian over my shoulder and nod. Nothing more exciting than carving up a new planet with him. 'Let them. I make my own rules.'

I walk away. It's a little dramatic. I do it better than Sith.

I feel Torian watching my back and hear him shrug his shoulders. 'Don't I know it.' I know his mouth is twitching. I hear him following.

I am going to enjoy this planet.


Four or so hours later...

Two Voss kids stop us on the street shortly after picking up our third job. They want to ask a few questions.

They want to know the Empire's purpose. 'I'm just a merc. I just do what I am paid to do. Don't care why. But if I were you, I wouldn't go for the Empire. Unless your people are interested in lots of credits.'

'You don't know your purpose? How strange.' His yellow eyes make a confused expression. As look at them and listen to their slow, bussing hearts, I'm reminded of irritating flies that bang pointlessly into glass and never realise they won't be able to make it outside; flies that don't seem to notice they are trapped and about to die.

'What about the Republic? Do you know of them?' The other is eager for knowledge and guidance. I think I see a desire for freedom in his eyes; an escape from this rocky, orange world. Maybe this fly will be able to realise there's an open window somewhere else.

I chuckle a little. Torian shifts uncomfortably. Makes me smile wider. 'Yeah, I know them. Intimately.' My face turns serious and dark. 'Don't turn your back on the Republic. You cannot trust them; not with your life; not with your people; not with your planet.'

They are disturbed by this. But take my meaning to heart. I suppose it came from the heart. A little ironic.


Few hours later...

When I reach the contact after scoping the city, he is tense and annoyed. Apparently I took too long. It makes me wish I'd taken a few more days.

'What kept you? I must have lost three years of my life imaging the damage you were doing.' I raise an eyebrow and roll my eye. Don't think having those three years would make him look any better. He's nearing middle age and has creases from excessive frowning. Long ago he might have had potential to be good looking that was lost as was most of the hair on his head.

'Calm down and stick to business. I'm getting real tired, real quick, of people thinking they can tell me what I can and can't do.' All morning, I had people telling me not to kill anyone. All morning, it's the only thing they've made me want to do.

'We are only trying to make you realise how serious this is. So keep your temper in line.' I glare long and hard at him; he doesn't flinch much. He continues, lecturing how the situation could turn disastrous by a wrong move. Only one person I take lectures from.

'I'm not here to listen to you whine. Tell me about the target soon or I will put you out of your misery.' I step closer. I loom over his desk. 'Hurry up.'

He moves his chair back a little. Smart move. 'Perhaps plotting the Generals demise will put me in a better mood.' Apparently my next target is some Republic General woman. Nothing I love more than killing a General.

He tells me what a 'nuisance' she has been. I don't care what she has done against the Empire. Apparently, I will have to draw her out. It involves breaking into somewhere and getting some information if possible. Inside, I sigh. Why can't people ever just give me a heavily guarded location that I can storm into and burn to the ground instead of many slightly smaller but still heavily guarded locations?Annoying. Won't get paid if I don't do the job right. And I would have to find a new way to reach the Chancellor. So for now, I will continue to go along with this.

I make the suggestion anyway. Apparently I need to be delicate. If they want delicate, they should hire an assassin or Imperial intelligence. Bounty Hunters aren't made for delicate. 'Guess you're in luck. Only bounty hunter in the galaxy that knows the definition of the word.'

'Indeed.' He goes on to list the strategy. Not much to go on. But still sounds easy.

'I'm overqualified for this job.'

'Keeping a low profile for once, isn't going to kill you.' His derision is palpable.

'We'll see. If I were you, I would hope it doesn't. Or you won't have someone to do your dirty work.'

I walk out before he can saying anything.


Hours later...

We go back to the ship after the first night. We just scoped out the city, got a few jobs, gathered intel. Usual deal of landing on a new planet.

Torian received a message at some stage. Was a little agitated after. Said he wanted to talk to me when we got back on the ship. Our night passes as usual. Torian cooked tiingilar. Knew that means he wants to talk about something touchy. I am not easily bought. When the others have left to whatever, and it is just us, he begins.

His eyes are probing. Like always. So blue and forceful. There is also slight agitation. 'Trouble?'

He nods. 'Yeah. Remember how I told you Corridan thought things were heating up? Listen.'

He replays the message, putting the holo down on the crate. The figure of a strong Mandalorian stands on the table between us the size of our glasses. He has hard lines around his mouth from frowning and smile in equally large amounts, dark hair and is around forty. His voice holds authority. He is a leader; a face to put to the reputation. The message tells Torian that they have a big job on a Senator. Alderaan. Corridan offers for Torian to join. And to lead one of the squads.

'Sounds big. Jedi hunt. They're in for a fight.' I know where this is going. He will ask to leave. A mere formality. And I will let him. Knew this was coming since back on Hoth. I just don't want to say good bye yet. Even if I can only delay it for a few more moments.

He nods. Not what he wanted me to say. I refrain from sighing. Torian is not ready yet. Close. But not quite. I don't want this to be a final good bye. Not yet. It is not time. Not his time. But I have faith in him. And most of me knows he will return alive.

'Let me guess: you want to go.' It's not a question. And not a guess. Sometimes, facts are sadder then suspicions.

'They're my brothers. I need to be there.' His voice is spiked with emotion as he pleads for understanding. I know it but I need him here. I want him here.

'I understand. Copaani gaan?' Need a hand?

'Your sights are on bigger game. I got this one.' His eyes are firm. They refuse to beg. They want this clean and easy. I just don't want this. But I will not have him on a short leash. Or any at all. He is free. Could never control another. Can't even control myself. I just don't want him to die.

'Remember all I have taught you. You'll do fine. Not perfect, but fine.' I throw a wall up into my eyes and try to only sound the teacher. He doesn't need to see the hurt. I try a smirk. I think it comes off a little crooked. His mouth twitches. I will miss that.

'Go. You don't want to miss the fight. Corridan's counting on you. K'oyacyi!' Stay alive! It is a command. I can't look in his eyes anymore. It hurts too much.

'Always. Darasuum'. Funny how that word seems to become our oath; a promise that I frantically hope is true; a vow that he believes entirely in yet seems to always be breaking. Know he'd hate it if I mentioned it.

He picks up the staff I gave him, a packed bag and a blaster rifle. I feel his eyes gazing at my face. I can't meet them. I only look at the wall opposite me.

'Thanks, mesh'la,' he says gently. It's only when I feel him turn and make for the door with a straight back that I look at him. It's easier this way.

'Ib'tuur jatne tuur ash'ad kyr'amur, Torian.' Today is a good day for somebody else to die. As I say it, I feel it is true. He will live and return; I will not doubt that again.

His torso twists as his toes face the exit; a pair of dogs on a scent they are not willing to leave. He nods and looks into my eyes; they shine a sombre azure. I never knew eyes could have so many emotions until that moment. I don't think there are words in any dialect to describe even half of them. I only know that as the indigo pools stare into my eyes, I drown. Don't think I'll ever get used to them.

Lips twitching, he says his last good bye. 'Nu kyr'adyc, shi taab'echaaj'la.'

And then he is gone; the hounds of his feet taking him swiftly away along a trail I can't follow. 'Not gone, merely marching far away.' Bullsh*t.

And not even an empty drink remains to prove he was ever there.I sit for many hours. Staring. Struggling to fight the bleeding in me. And I idly scratch my wrists with determination. 'Always, Champion. Darasuum.' A small white lie. He will be back. But he will never always stay.

I suppose it's ok. Because I will be the one to leave eventually.

The one that doesn't come back.


Please comment as usual.
Not sure how good the starts were.
But I hope you enjoyed the end.

iamthehoyden's Avatar

11.10.2012 , 10:35 AM | #146
I got a kick out of her seething in Voss. Stop telling me not to kill people and tell me who you want dead!! Ah the irony of it all lol.
aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Fan Fiction: My Name is Solomon Crae The Man in the Box

MilaniGrey's Avatar

11.10.2012 , 12:34 PM | #147
You know what I think already.
The Islingr Legacy
Ebon Hawk Server
"How dreadfully spooky." -- Vesaniae's Darth Nox

EverSteam's Avatar

11.11.2012 , 06:04 AM | #148
Quote: Originally Posted by MilaniGrey View Post
You know what I think already.
Torian /swoon?

A complicated amount of time later...

The weeks on Voss that pass in his absence are long.

I pretend it doesn't hurt. I take less serum. This physical pain drives others from my mind. Stops my thoughts. It's nice. In an ironic kind of way.

Skadge is good muscle. Ugly, stinking muscle. But still good in fights. Let him take damage sometimes just because I like to see people shooting him. I don't take him to meetings though. His intelligence will not impress. Instead, I take Gault. He has strict orders to remain mainly silent. Been spending nights up with Gault like old times. It's nice. But I don't sleep near him. I might want the company but if I did, I won't have Torian's in the future. May not be an honest person but I'll try for him.

We find the Republic base in the cave: Skadge and I. It's filled with stolen Imperial tech. A good bonus, should get some more creds for it. We come across a Colonel Deulo at the end of the cave trying to contact the perimeter team that I killed ten minutes earlier.

'Perimeters on radio silence. Permanently.' Nice line. Inside, I sigh a little. Skadge doesn't appreciate the finer things like Torian. Even Gault would have liked that though would probably suggest a better one once they were dead.

They are surprised. Didn't expect me so soon. 'Hit her with everything we've got.'

I laugh. It's never enough. Three against me. Not very fair odds for them. Neither of us take any damage. But it takes a minute longer than it would have with Torian. Skadge and I don't fight in sync yet. Even Mako and I were better together. I miss Torian in these moments. And lots of other moments. Without him, I return to being a desolate and broken thing.

I go up to the terminal. 'Whatcha want with that trash?' Skadge kicks the terminals as if to prove his point. The screens flicker and I think for a moment he broke it. But they flash back to life quickly; all systems reading normal.

I roll my eye. Torian never questioned me. And he was smart enough to know the value of this console. 'Just shut up and hold the camera.'

Skadge says some sort of threat and glares. I think it's a glare. Hard to tell when his face is already so puckered and wrinkly. I get the intel we need to blackmail the General and message the Ambassador immediately. He tells me to stand down. Says he will hand the information over to the Voss. I don't care what happens to the Republic General. But I would like to kill her. If I don't... well, there are always more Generals in the galaxy. Like that Imperial General Rosh. He's not too far away from here...

I don't go to the Ambassador's office. He can wait. I know bureaucracy. It will take three weeks for them to actually go to a hearing. So I do small time jobs across this side of the planet. Nothing too exciting. My weeks were spent killing monstrosities, droids, being ambushers, etc. Nothing that fun. I can't wait to get back into the old routine. To kill early every morning with Torian. There's more than enough wildlife.

I get a call on the twenty second day of Torian's absence. I counted every day. Usually, such things mean little to me. All that matters is the end result, not how long it took. You rarely get more for a quick delivery. And I like to keep Sith waiting. It's been two weeks since I delivered the recording.

Torian has blood on his face when he calls. His breathing is heavy. There are sounds like cheering in the background. He will return in two days. Victorious.

I think about not waiting for him on my throne. About staying out and not being there. Or going to bed and sleeping. But I don't do these things. They are silly little acts of a pouting child. And they are too hard. Because all I want is to see him. Have him.

I decide for a new approach. I wait on his bed, lying on my back and looking through the stairs; one leg folded over the other. I never knew you could see into my room from here. I file that piece of information away as interesting. But I can't look at the door anymore. I don't like what happens behind it when I am alone and seeing it only seems to taunt me.

When he comes in, his eyes look immediately to my seat. His face mildly convulses with disappointment and misery. It fills my body with a bitter sweet ache. His face is darker. He carries himself taller. Prouder. He has grown in the past weeks; more man than boy. War does that.

He starts to take off his armour. Torso. Boots. Legs. I like him in is loose under clothes. He'll see me soon so I might as well call out now while I still have the advantage of surprise.

'Su'cuy gar!' Still alive!

He turns to my voice. I meet his eyes and I smirk. He grins. 'Seems so.' His tred is soft as he walks to me. He sinks down on the mattress next to me; he back to the wall. I move my head to his lap. And look up into his eyes. I am glad I waited. He is worth waiting for. A thousand years or more.

'Weren't all so lucky,' he speaks somberly. He grimaces. This return is different from his last. It wasn't a hunt. I don't know if I like this change. Feel there's less laughter under his sober face and I think I will mourn for that. Guess I felt things weren't that bad when he was around. Not sure if it will be like that now that he has seen more.

I punch his chin lightly. Very lightly. 'Not luck. You've trained hard. Gar jatnese be te jatnese.' You're the best of the best. We sit in silence. His hand finds mine. We have never really sat like this. It's nice. Normal, but still nice. 'Sorry to hear that, though. But that's war. Tangle with Jedi and some one's bound to get hurt. I just always try to make sure that it's the Jedi.'

'Deserve their reputation that's for sure. Never found out first hand though - didn't let them get that close.' I sneer a little. Only a Mandalorian could respect the strength of those that slaughter your people.

'Good to know you used what I taught you. I haven't been training you for fun. Well, not entirely.' I wink and feel a little awkward doing it. 'We will be seeing more than our fair share of Jedi.'

He smirks. I like it on him. 'I'll hold you to that, ner verd.' My warrior. Think I like the anger and craving for revenge in his voice. Feel in these times that he may have dipped a toe in the surface of understanding me. And part of me wants him to understand so very bad.

'And do I ever disappoint?' He shakes his head and I feel like part of it was in wonder. 'So Corridan made it through?' I set about absently twisting his fingers around one another and marvelling at the ways they can't bend. Sure I hurt him more than once but he doesn't draw away or mention it; he only answers my question.

'Took a lightsaber strike, glanced off his big head.' I can imagine it from his voice: the strike, Torian slaughtering everything in his way and taking down the Jedi to kneel at Corridan's and the incredible relief when he lifts Corridan's helmet to see him unscathed. Suppose I'm happy Corridan made it because it makes Torian happy.

'Good. Can't meet a dead man.' We slip into silence. We don't need to talk to feel close. We just need to be we. Want to tell myself he'll never leave me again and that if he does, it will be ok; that somehow I will still enjoy the days and survive the nights. But I know I can't. And I know I won't. If he leaves again, I think I will just fight so hard that eventually my body will fall apart. And I'm scared that if that happens, my brain will be working long enough to feel every moment. And to feel the void and nothing that comes after losing everything until it finally dies.

'Better find some beskar if I'm making a habit of it.' Back to the armour. It worried me more than I will let him know. I don't want him to think he will not live through this. It's not how the script I am writing goes. I can't think of my life without Torian. What I would be. Because I know that life far too well. I know the antagonist I would become and it is an ugly, empty thing.

'Trust me. You will be making a habit of it.' His finger cracks as mine slip. He moves his hand to my back and that makes me smile a little. Guess they're safer there.

'Ni felt dar'yaim ures gar, mesh'al cyar'ika.' He slips down. And kisses me. I felt hell without you, beautiful beloved. I want the translation to be wrong because I don't want to hope even now. I don't want to hope for the love of someone so mortal.

'Ni nayc briikase meh mhi nayc tome, Torian.' I am not happy if we are not together, Torian. Hate the honest woman he is making me. I am not anything without him. Only become the person I am for him. Wonder what that says about me.

'K'uur.' He whispers.

We don't speak anymore. His body is muscular and I can feel the tension that's still there after apprehensive, restless nights of sleeping on a battlefield. I mould onto him. It was hard at first to not kill Torian for touching me at all. My body was recalcitrant to me and would act on its own. But it got easier. Removing all guns in the room helped. For the rest of me, there was nothing that time and joy couldn't change.If only it could all be solved with that...

Now, in these moments, I feel beautiful. I forget what I am. I don't deserve this. But I have it. I will never lose this because I will fight to keep it. I will fight the world. The galaxy. And never let anyone take Torian from me again.

I will never lose him.


Author's note and aside:

Earthmama's Avatar

11.11.2012 , 07:33 AM | #149
Quote: Originally Posted by EverSteam View Post

Author's note and aside:
Funny how that works, I was the same way! Once I got him, couldn't put him away, I maxed out his affection somewhere on Belsavis so I tried playing with other companions to up their affection, but I just ended up pulling them out for the conversations, because everything died so much faster with Torian.

I loved this...nom nom

MilaniGrey's Avatar

11.11.2012 , 01:53 PM | #150
Quote: Originally Posted by Earthmama View Post
Funny how that works, I was the same way! Once I got him, couldn't put him away, I maxed out his affection somewhere on Belsavis so I tried playing with other companions to up their affection, but I just ended up pulling them out for the conversations, because everything died so much faster with Torian.

I loved this...nom nom
Because Torian is boss.

*insert expected Torian /swoon comment here *
The Islingr Legacy
Ebon Hawk Server
"How dreadfully spooky." -- Vesaniae's Darth Nox