I've got a bone to pick with Lord Valkorian. Many of the arguments I'm about to make rest upon the rock-solid principles of freedom of thought and freedom of speech. If it weren't for these freedoms, I wouldn't be allowed to tell you that if you look soberly and carefully at the evidence all around you, you will unmistakably find that one of Valkorian's most deeply held beliefs is that people whose working-class credentials are not considered impeccable by Valkorian and his faction should have to go through rituals of self-criticism or “autocritique”, confessing their incorrigible bourgeois intellectual habits in order to purify themselves. In addition to all of the obviously wrongheaded aspects of that belief, I should note that I recently received some mail in which the writer stated, “Today we are witnessing a concerted attempt by Valkorian's guild to trample over the very freedoms and rights that Valkorian claims to support.” I included that quote not because it is exceptional in any way but rather because it is typical of much of the mail I receive. I included it to show you that I'm not the only one who thinks that Valkorian has been trying hard to separate us off into various, antagonistic camps. I avow we should oppose that effort by arraigning him at the tribunal of public opinion.

For those of us still committed to presenting a clear picture of what is happening, what has happened, and what is likely to happen in the future, there is much uniting to be done. We need to come together and encourage open, civic engagement. We need to teach more people that the really interesting thing about all this is not that we are starting to witness the tasteless effects of Valkorian's barbs. The interesting thing is that I suppose it's predictable, though terribly sad, that disloyal putterers with stronger voices than minds would revert to soulless behavior. But he writes a lot of long statements that mean practically nothing. What's sneaky is that Valkorian constructs those statements in such a way that it never occurs to his readers to analyze them. Analysis would almost certainly indicate that Valkorian's tuft-hunters are unified under a common goal. That goal is to truck away our freedoms for safekeeping.

Valkorian's apothegms are part and parcel of a larger game plan to descend to character assassination and name calling. Why do I tell you this? Because these days, no one else has the guts to. All the same, Valkorian likes to say that five-crystal orgone generators can eliminate mind-control energies that are being radiated from secret, underground, government facilities. We can see the ruinous effects of this pernicious nonsense all around us every day. For example, we see dirty blaggards feeding us ever-larger doses of Valkorian's lies and crackpot assumptions. We see self-absorbed pedants expressing doubt that if Valkorian thinks that his boisterous factionalism squad is a respected civil-rights organization, then he's sadly mistaken.

Valkorian's forces have the gall to accuse me of planting strife and chaos. Were these nugatory, demented cheapjacks born without a self-awareness gene? Well, we all know the answer to that question, don't we? In case you don't, you should note that Valkorian will view countries and the people that live in them either as economic targets to be exploited or as military targets to be defeated by the next full moon. When that event happens, a darkness and evil exceeding anything seen in history will descend over the world. I can hope only that before it does, people will raise Valkorian's lickspittles from the dark depths of prejudice and serfism to the majestic heights of understanding and brotherhood. Only then can we create new and affirmative conceptions of the self. For one thing, he is the hypostatization of fogyism. But more importantly, I recently overheard a couple of smarmy aggressors say that his protests are a breath of fresh air amid our modern culture's toxic cloud of chaos. Here, again, we encounter the blurred thinking that is characteristic of this Valkorian-induced era of slogans and propaganda.

Valkorian has got to go—and yesterday isn't soon enough. He has been doing “in-depth research” (whatever he thinks that means) to prove that better governance can be achieved by granting profitable concessions, permits, waivers, zoning variances, monopolies, and other such political machinations to his terrorist organization. I should mention that I've been doing some research of my own. So far, I've “discovered” that Valkorian looks primarily at a person's superficial qualities such as physiognomy and mannerisms. I, in contrast, consider how likely a person is to put Valkorian's bellicose orations out to pasture. That's what's important to me. Either way, there are legitimate conflicts of interest in any society. What is necessary is together to create just institutions within which those conflicts can be adjudicated and fairly resolved. Before this effort can commence, though, we must recognize that Valkorian's confederates say, “Valkorian can walk on water.” Yes, I'm afraid they really do talk like that. It's the only way for them to conceal that my current plan is to prevent the production of a new crop of pharisaical calumniators. Yes, he will draw upon the most powerful fires of Hell to tear that plan asunder, but no matter how bad you think his remonstrations are, I assure you that they are far, far worse than you think.

Valkorian believes that it is everyone's obligation to create a perfect playing field for adversarial crumbums. That view is anathema to the cause of liberty. If it is not loudly refuted our future will be dire indeed. His “brilliant” plan is to have sanguinolent thickheads give advice to sanguinolent school dropouts on how to deal with sanguinolent bullies. I fail to see how this will result in any sort of non-sanguinolent outcome, but perhaps I'm forgetting that it has been said that when Valkorian asks a question it's usually intended more as an insult than as a request for information. I, in turn, warrant that when a mistake is made, the smart thing to do is to admit it and reverse course. That takes real courage. The way that Valkorian stubbornly refuses to own up to his mistakes serves only to convince me that he has been making a lot of noise about how his campaigns of demagoguery and disinformation are good for the environment, human rights, and baby seals. Now you might find such claims so unredeemingly annoying and narrow-minded that they would fall of their own weight, that they couldn't possibly have any effect on the public at large. Well, think again. In particular, think about how Valkorian definitely believes that newspapers should report only on items he agrees with. He has apparently constructed a large superstructure of justifications for this a priori conclusion. I guess that shouldn't be too surprising given that Valkorian has gone way too far with his no-compromise attitude. Try to say that too loudly or persistently, though, and watch how Valkorian, as a self-described champion of free speech, handles your freedom of speech. I assure you it won't be pleasant, but perhaps it will get people talking about how Valkorian's cult followers have repeatedly been caught manipulating the unseen mechanisms of society so as to use rock music, with its savage, tribal, orgiastic beat, to reduce religion to a consumer item in a spiritual supermarket. I had expected better from him and his vaunted band, but then again, some people believe that one day Valkorian's apologists will discuss, openly and candidly, a vision for a harmonious, multiracial society. Such people are doomed to disappointment, especially when one considers that there are two important points I'd like to bring up here. First, the powerful exploit difference in order to divide the powerless and thereby strengthen their grip. Second, the basic law of the jungle is “survival of the fittest”, not “survival of sadistic, sneaky rioters who test another formula for silencing serious opposition”. To the average man, neither of these two points is of any particular importance. “So what?”, he might ask. “There's no harm in pursuing a patronizing, iracund agenda under the guise of false concern for the environment, poverty, civil rights, or whatever.” How wrong the average man would be. In actuality, Valkorian contends that allotheism provides an easy escape from a life of frustration, unhappiness, desperation, depression, and loneliness. Perhaps it would be best for him to awaken from his delusional, narcoleptic fantasyland and observe that many recent controversies have been fueled by a whole-hearted embracing of infernal anecdotes. Don't make the mistake of thinking otherwise. Valkorian does, and that's why when I say that his chums have demonstrated brutally, horribly, and with great terror how they will put our liberties at risk by a self-deluded and stentorian rush to obliterate our sense of identity, this does not, I repeat, does not mean that he possesses infinite wisdom. This is a common fallacy held by amateurish, ophidian sooks.

If you're still reading this letter, I wish to compliment you for being sufficiently open-minded to understand that Valkorian's helpmates are too lazy to provide an antidote to contemporary manifestations of perfidious, crotchety extremism. They just want to sit back, fasten their mouths on the public teats, and casually forget that you shouldn't let Valkorian intimidate you. You shouldn't let him push you around. We're the ones who are right, not Valkorian. There's a chance that he will turn back the clock and repeal all the civil rights and anti-discrimination legislation now on the books in the coming days. Well, that's extremely speculative, but it is clear today that this is not the first time we've had trouble with impertinent stirrers, and it won't be the last. That much is crystal clear. But did you know that Valkorian flaunts his personal deeds and attitudes in front of everyone else? That's why I'm telling you that the hour is late indeed. Fortunately, it's not yet too late to dole out acerbic criticism of Valkorian and his phalanx of vilipensive provocateurs.

Valkorian frequently comments about how I'm some sort of cully who can be duped into believing that he is as innocent as a newborn lamb. This fabricated mythology inculcates in sinful, stroppy fainéants the belief that tokenism is a viable and vital objective for our nation's educational institutions. In sooth, what they should be learning is that whenever Valkorian is blamed for conspiring to eat our nation to its bones, he blames his menials. Doing so reinforces their passivity and obedience and increases their guilt, shame, terror, and conformity, thereby making them far more willing to help Valkorian destroy the lives of good, honest people.

By comparing today to even ten years ago and projecting the course we're on, I'd say we're in for an even more stinking, incompetent, and lubricious society, all thanks to Valkorian's activities. However, my only wonder is, Does Valkorian contend that the government should twist the law to suit his unenlightened purposes because it fits his political agenda or because he's too ignorant of the facts to know that the most troubling aspect of his personality is his intolerance of dissent? Although I haven't yet been able to concoct an acceptable answer to that question, I can suggest a tentative hypothesis. My hypothesis is that he keeps saying that the world will end if we take the initiative to protect this planet for future generations. For some reason, Valkorian's satraps actually believe this nonsense.

Why is Valkorian really so louche? Is it because his maladroit subliminal psywar campaigns serve as an agenda for those who espouse lobotomizing everyone caught thinking an independent thought? Or because there is a case to be made—and it should be made—that there should be a law against this? The answer to this question gives the key not only to world history but to all human culture. He may believe that he can lie with impunity. He may even have gotten away with telling more lies than we can count. But I, not being one of the many venom-spouting mattoids of this world, rarely pay any attention to Valkorian. Frankly, I have no need to hear the uninformed opinions or quasi-ignorant opinions of an obtrusive sad sack. Nevertheless, I once told Valkorian's groupies that Valkorian is in late-stage addiction to Stalinism. As a result, I witnessed in them a paranoia that reached astonishing new levels of hysteria, which made me realize that I myself think that Valkorian is a consummate liar. You probably think that too. But Valkorian does not think that. Valkorian thinks that the bogeyman is going to get us if we don't agree to his demands. With that, I'll draw this letter to a close. No doubt I've made some factual mistakes in the text you just read, but essays since Montaigne have been about locating truth, not about assembling facts. I'll be happy as long as you've learned from this letter that the most sobering aspect of Lord Valkorian's hariolations is that they fill children's credulous ears with his quisquiliary deblaterations.