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A few hours after the end of the last post...
Torian stood watchful and ready at the entrance.
I don't say anything to him and he doesn't comment on the blood that's dried onto my armour and drips wet from my wrists; he only looks at the remains of the General's body in fascination as I tie it to our waiting speeders. But I know he wants to ask. I don't know what I will tell him tonight. I guess I still have a few hours till then to think of what to say. And for a few more hours, I can continue thinking he loves me.
It will take at least three days ride to get there. But we ride through half the night. We set up camp just over half way there. We eat a silent dinner of rations and all Torian does is stare at me. I don't want to see anything that I know will be there: curiosity, pity, anger, disgust. So I don't see or know of the concern or adoration in them. If I did, I don't think I would know what to do.
I stay sitting across from Torian on a thin fallen tree. It's easier to be so isolated. Couldn't keep it together if he was next to me. I let the silent desolation subdue my thoughts and vacuum the irreversible sting of my memories. Because for the first time in a long time, everything the General ever did to me is fresh and raw. Never even felt this bad when it was even happening. And I want this tranquil and stagnant silence to pacify the memories; I want the booming hush of the barren plains to corrode the vivid memory of every sweet word the General ever betrayed. I want it to stop hurting so much even now; even now when I have come so far and I have so much more.
Killing her doesn't change anything. Only made me want my revenge so much more. Going to find his children and kill them. All four of them. Though if the the fourth is a traitor, irony of his child working with me is very alluring. No matter what, knowledge will now make my revenge against Havoc Squad that much sweeter. Loving Torian doesn't make me love this galaxy. Don't want my revenge and hatred come at the price of Torian. Not sure which I would choose.
'Don't have to talk if you don't want to, Cyare.'
I look up and meet Torian's eye for the first time. And I can't do it for long.
'I'll talk if you want to hear it.' Don't want to tell him anything he might not want to hear. Feel I can tell him what I learnt as dispassionately as I had back then as the serenity of the night calms me. Because I won't forgive myself if I cry right now. I want to keep the vow I made then and never cry over the General. Because maybe if it never shows, maybe if it can never be seen or heard, then just maybe, the sorrow and misery won't be real.
'Her husband was him.' I look at Torian sharply. Forget the kid's got a brain sometimes. I smile a little at the way he avoided saying any names. And the way he makes a question always sound like a statement. Think the later will always make me smile.
But I can only smile, nod my head and tap the side of my nose. Spot on.
'Then you don't need to say anymore, Cyare,' is his steady reply. Not sure how to take that. I tilt my head as if the slanted view will offer an answer that would otherwise be unseen. He only shrugs and continues to stare at me intensely.
He continues after the pause. 'Have some questions though. Don't have to answer,' he adds a little hastily. I don't assent or refuse. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his lips twitch. 'Can ask me something in return, if you want.'
I give the 'ok' but he takes a while to speak again. I soak in the silent night and dread the words that will break this silence. Because I'm scared he will take back everything he told me only last night.
'Did you know about her?'
'That old hag?' I motion to the dead body still tied to the speeder a few metres away. He nods his head. I open my mouth to say I always did but close it again quickly. Feel Torian wants more than a simple 'yes' or 'no'.
'Before the change, I didn't really. Guess I should of. But it was just like his... wife,' the word chokes in my throat and has to be spat out, 'said. He was so very charismatic and handsome. I think I thought of the possibility but I was a selfish girl and didn't care at all. Gave me sweet words, shelter, a blaster and the ability to use it. What would it of mattered if he had a wife?' I shake my head. I'm still selfish. Only difference is now I can get what I want and need without the help of others.
I continue on and I'm satisfied to hear how indifferent I sound; the voice of a woman talking of another's misfortunes. 'He was more than a little quick to tell me during the change about all the other women. And after, he would return to our room and tell me all about the women he just ****ed and how pathetic and ugly his wife was. On those nights, he wouldn't touch me because he wanted me to feel the full force of how ugly I was.' And as much as I hate myself for it, those nights were the hardest. But I won't tell Torian that. He doesn't need to know.
Torian doesn't move from his seat. And I don't move from where I am. I can't look at him either. So I miss the shaking of his body and the constant clenching of his fists. I can only hate myself for talking to Torian of this.
'Is that enough of an answer?' I look at him out of the corner of my eye, only to see him nod. 'Good. It's your turn again.'
'Did killing her make you feel better?' The question seems to come from the silence and not him. Guess it's something a part of me is always asking.
'Yes.' He looks at me levelly and I don't see any judgement in them. 'Was like killing him all over again. Felt so very good
.' Can't say any more than that . Feeling of satisfaction is hard to explain. Torian only nods. 'Does it make you not... care for me?' I can't say love. The word catches in my throat and makes me too self conscious.
'Never, Cyare. Could never not love you.' He seems to begin to move to me but stops and doesn't. Only want him to put his arms around me. But the words are enough. They ease my worry and almost make me smile.
I look at him indirectly and see all the differences between Torian and the General. Prefer Torian's serious expression and his messy blonde hair to the General's airy smiles and neat, dark hair; prefer Torian's clear blue eyes and his taller, tanned well-developed body to the General's dark green eyes and lean body. And I prefer Torian's small smiles and heartfelt grins to the General's disgusting charade. Torian's everything I thought I'd never have.
After a pause he continues: 'did you ever feel jealous of her despite knowing how much he hated her?' There's a bitter edge in Torian's voice and despite knowing he somehow loves me, I can't imagine it coming from envy of the dead General.
'Yes.' He flinches as if I had hit him. 'I was envious of the fact that she was out there, away from him so often and I was stuck with him with no alternative but death. Was jealous that they only ever got to see the handsome, charming him and I was stuck with the real and hideous thing he was.' My blades come out and I look at them dispassionately. 'And I hated her freedom to leave him yet her weakness in never doing so.' I pause and then quietly whisper the thoughts of a weak and pathetic woman that I hate. 'Sometimes, death seemed like the better option.'
I shake my head and some hair falls into my hair. I impatiently push it back. Have stopped slicking my hair even for most battles. Torian seemed to like it more out. Getting long enough I can tie it back.
I twist my face into a smirk and stretch an arm. 'Why do you ask, Torian? Jealous of the dead ex?' I'm teasing him like I used to. And I only thought it was hurting me.
'Yes.' The answer is sharp and angry. I look at him curiously and he doesn't meet my eye.
'Really?' is all I can manage in reply. Didn't expect that answer. Know he wouldn't lie. Only lied to me once and it was a weak, flirtatious thing. Emotion in his voice belies any falsehood.
'Yes.' He comes to kneel in front of me, his eyes level with mine as I sit on a low fallen tree. He takes my hands in his and I notice my blades cut his hands. He only holds my hands tighter. 'Wish you were only ever mine. Wish you love me as much as you loved him.' Torian looks away at the end.
I laugh and he lets go of my hands. Have to laugh. His sweet words make me too happy. I retract the blades and I take his face in my hands and kiss him gently, smiling against his lips. Move one hand into his hair behind his ear and marvel at the way I'm touching something I've wanted for so long. Been weeks and I still feel blissful disbelief at this good thing that I have somehow been given.
'Vaabir nayc chaabar, ner cadur.' Do not fear
, I mumble against his lips. 'Wasn't really love. Killed him for a reason and would always do it again and again.' I make him look me in the eye. I can still see doubt in them.
'I love you, Torian. What I felt for that shabuir was nothing. You're a better man then he could of ever been. I don't deserve you, ner manda.' When he doesn't respond I have nothing else left to say but 'ori'haat.'
He smiles in reply and pulls me closer. He just holds me and as slowly as his warmth begins to burn me, my happiness which flickered and waned only a few hours ago returns to life.
He pulls way and kisses my lips and cheek. Even when his lips leave I still feel a warm burn and resist touching my cheek.
He chuckles lightly and hides the smile behind a hand. 'Need to get some sleep if we want to make it back by tomorrow night. Want to take first watch, Cyare?' I nod and he gently pushes me off his lap, kissing my forehead before standing and then heads to our tent. He stops in the door way and turns to look at me.
'I love you, Cyare.' He doesn't raise his voice but it carries to me clearly.
And then he disappears inside. I don't swap watches with him. So I don't see him till an hour before dawn. I only stay awake through the night and allow myself these happy, dark hours which I can only smile through.