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So I tried to tell my wife...

STAR WARS: The Old Republic > English > Community Content
So I tried to tell my wife...

Avenox's Avatar


Avenox
03.07.2012 , 09:10 AM | #21
Don't reason with them.
The worst thing you can do is to make them play the same game.
Remember it's your retreat and you don't have to justify any of it.

Dakotahorn's Avatar


Dakotahorn
03.07.2012 , 09:38 AM | #22
Ok, I had to get in on this one. Perspective from a 24 yr old, successful salesman.

My fiancee left me last december (2010) because I did not treat her with respect, and prioritize her over my hobbies. Looking back she had every right to do this and I believe we are both in better relationships currently.

There are two very important keys to successfully have a relationship and mmo coexist IMO: balance, and the ability for both of you to understand this is a hobby.

My current gf of 6 months allows me to bring friends over to her place for a d&d game a run on wednesdays. But we both understand gaming is my hobby. I even used the word 'passionate' when I first started testing the waters by confessing that I enjoy gaming.

However, equally important is balance. I no longer play every night. I understand that that is not healthy for my relationship or fair to my gf. Instead of an hour a night I compact my time on weeknights that both of us know have been set aside. And scheduling is important!!!! Now she is no longer disappointed if she wants to go to dinner and I have a raid planned. We both know Sunday evening is for Football and TOR. BUT, Tuesday evening is date night. Period.

I think the most important thing is not being with someone who wants/expects you to change. Nor should you expect the wonderful person in your life to grab a controller when the next Madden comes out. And guys.... dont expect your woman to respect your game if you give her **** everytime she turns on a decoration show, bride show, or the oscars. Fair is fair. you better plan on watching the Titanic with her if you expect her to play Assassins Creed woth you.

My two cents.
"What do you mean what song?" - DJ to my drunk friend at karaoke after he had been called up to sing.

Avenox's Avatar


Avenox
03.07.2012 , 10:08 AM | #23
Balance is good for Jedi.

Ransom_BiC's Avatar


Ransom_BiC
03.07.2012 , 11:29 AM | #24
Quote: Originally Posted by haliy View Post
I truly wished it worked this way at my house. My wife is a lost cause when it comes to gaming. Unfortunately she thinks this game along with every other mmo that i've played are stupid.

I think my husband married me only because I game. I've always been surprised by wives who freak out that their husband plays. I mean, he's sitting there, in your house, where you can see him, playing a video game. He's not out partying, or at the bar. Some men are into sports, some are into cars, some are into games. I always tell the wives-- why don't you try playing WITH him?

Anyway-- women like that are ridiculous, imo.
NAT
Guildmaster
Born in Chaos
Come find your gaming family with Born in Chaos

JinTetra's Avatar


JinTetra
03.07.2012 , 11:53 AM | #25
Quote: Originally Posted by Tierven View Post
My solution: Only get involved with women who share my intrests. It makes finding things to do together awesome, seriously my lady drags me to tabletop game stores and nags me to pay attention to the game when I try to make sure she isn't feeling ignored.

Found her at a D&D game.

Plus, gaming gear being a "romantic gift" is just awesome.

It does require having to accept that I may not at all times be the most hardcore gamer in the couple.
This, a thousand times this.
"We're gonna be dropped onto Korriban, dressed as civilians. And once we're in enemy territory, as a bushwhackin' guerrilla army, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only... killin' Sith."
~ Darthshnooky

Katzith's Avatar


Katzith
03.07.2012 , 12:15 PM | #26
My fiancee (who I've been with for 14 years... and b4 you ask, we went back to school in the middle of that, didn't want to screw up financial aid by being married, and are both looking for careers to pay for the wedding) and I are both gamers. I knew this about him when we first started going out but neither of us were into MMOs until while we were in college, where he insisted we try WoW because we both loved the Warcraft series storyline and Bizzard games. It was to our benefit when I finished my degree and came home while he worked on his Master's so we were 850 miles apart (gave us something we can do together and be sociable with it).

Currently we get flak from our families who we are each living with while we get better jobs (yay economy crashing as we get our degrees...). It's awesome when they talk about how we're on the games for hours on end, talking to each other and to friends we ended up meeting in WoW and have met irl because of our friendships there, and now all of us play this game. When they start talking bad about that, all we have to do to shut them up is ask them 1) how active is your brain when you're watching tv, 2) how many people to you meet and interact with socially while watching tv, and 3) how many hours are you watching/sleeping through tv each day? Yeah, we tend to win the argument. Many people who argue against playing these games either 1) find there actually is an issue with the gameing so the gamer doesn't spend enough time with family and/or 2) they don't understand how socially and in some ways intellectually involved games like this are compared to, say, platform games or older non-social games. My fiancee and I are both glad we spend time both in and out of game together.

One more thing they don't understand, but I think it's better illustrated rather than flat out said involving social games. I have seen friendships built in these games. I have seen group counseling given that saved marriages. I have seen someone's dog's life saved when a veterinarian guildie found out about another guildie's dog's issue and was able to give proper advice. I have cried upon finding out a friend I met in game but never irl (but talked to in Ventrilo) died in a car crash after having given me advice that changed my negative self image. I have seen bonds made between people that only striving towards a common goal can build (no matter how insignificant that goal is in the grand scheme of things). I have even seen guildies help a teenage guildie find reasons to get off drugs and know he has friends he can count on, even if he doesn't see them. Amongst this and much more, I have heard far less often the negative stereotypes that tend to be the extreme bad (abandoned families, divorces, etc.).

As people have said, balancing this (as good as it can be) with offline hobbies and relationships is key, just like with any other social hobby, but what I mentioned above may help some people drive it home better that it can be done responsibly and can be healthy when balanced, and that abstinence from gaming isn't always the right answer for some people.

Now excuse me while I get ready to do some birding with my fiancee and then go to sushi afterwards since this isn't a raiding day for our guild and I have the day off from work. Maybe we'll do something extreme and mindlessly watch a movie too
In a free society, the biggest threat to our rights is irresponsibility with our freedoms.

clearsighted's Avatar


clearsighted
03.07.2012 , 12:19 PM | #27
Quote: Originally Posted by SteffizleESQ View Post
...that playing 30-60 minutes a day makes me a "casual" player.

Bad idea.
If you can't get your wife or GF interested in gaming with you, then you're either not gonna game or not gonna have a wife/GF for very long.

Lunazen's Avatar


Lunazen
03.07.2012 , 12:46 PM | #28
Quote: Originally Posted by Avenox View Post
Don't reason with them.
The worst thing you can do is to make them play the same game.
Remember it's your retreat and you don't have to justify any of it.
LOL worst relationship advice ever!

My advice would be the exact opposite of the first two points. Try to reason with her. Try to get her to play the game.

If neither of these work, then remind her it's your retreat, no different than any other hobby or downtime. But, and especially if it's marriage or an otherwise serious and committed relationship, you do need to justify your actions. We all do to our SO's, especially if it affects them in any way.

Female gamer here. Hubby and I both played SWG, though on separate servers. Played EQ2 together. Playing SWTOR together. Got the kids involved too, though they are mostly console games (ages 20 and 13). One happy gaming family
Squadron 367
**SWG Teras Kasi~Creature Handler 2003-2005**
**EQ2 Monk 2005-2011**

Raveiyn's Avatar


Raveiyn
03.07.2012 , 12:50 PM | #29
Quote: Originally Posted by Ransom_BiC View Post
I think my husband married me only because I game. I've always been surprised by wives who freak out that their husband plays. I mean, he's sitting there, in your house, where you can see him, playing a video game. He's not out partying, or at the bar. Some men are into sports, some are into cars, some are into games. I always tell the wives-- why don't you try playing WITH him?

Anyway-- women like that are ridiculous, imo.
Get outta my head!! I am glad I read before posting because I was going to type the same thing.

Sitting on a game for endless hours after work/school isn't healthy for anyone, much less while in a relationship. Being on a game for a couple hours a day is the equivalent of sitting in front of a sports game or a movie. That being said, Ransom is 100% completely right. There is definitely something to be said about your significant other wanting to be home.

I experienced this from the other side as a gamer girl with BF's who didn't understand why I didn't want to go out and party. I got asked out and would decline because, seriously, all I wanted to do was go home, grab a shower, order a pizza, and get on my game with some kicking music in the background.

My husband and I were friends for 2 years before actually dating. He was friends with my roommate, and watched me playing one of my games. He asked me "How do you keep track of all that crap on the screen". Apparently he was a single player gamer. I got him on the game I was playing, we would go do things together in the game.. ended up talking and.. well things just went from there. Having similar interests (and similar understanding) has helped us come a LONG way.

Quote: Originally Posted by Avenox View Post
Don't reason with them.
The worst thing you can do is to make them play the same game.
Remember it's your retreat and you don't have to justify any of it.
(Why do I get the feeling he is trolling the ladies to rile a response?)

Don't "make" them do anything. Encourage, but never force. "Don't reason with them" What the heck? If you honestly don't feel like you need to "justify" making someone feel neglected or unimportant then you should probably stay single until you learn it is easier to communicate and coexist rather than create hostility.
Vis Vires: has many meanings, mainly: (pl.) force, power, strength, might, influence.
A well done player FAQ-Must Read

kremss's Avatar


kremss
03.07.2012 , 01:38 PM | #30
Quote: Originally Posted by clearsighted View Post
If you can't get your wife or GF interested in gaming with you, then you're either not gonna game or not gonna have a wife/GF for very long.

I think it really depends on the individual. My wife and I met around the same time SWG started. We were both mid 20's. I played for about 2 years along with many other console games. I hadn't played an mmo since, but I still played console games until swtor came out.

She has no interest in gaming. Every once is a while i can get her to play Mario Cart or Bust a move games like that.

As many times as I have tried to get her to play Swtor with me she has no interest. We have been together for nearly 10 years, have a 2 year old son and have Great Marriage.

I play Swtor A few hours a day, mostly at night after my son goes to sleep. My wife has no problems with me playing. She has her hobbies (Sewing, Food Network, Sudoku) I have mine, Golf, Fantasy Sports and Gaming.

We have a few TV shows we watch together like Survivor, Amazing Race, Spartacus and Walking dead and of course our son that keep us doing plenty of things together.

Like she always says, "It could be worse, you could be out at the bar."