Hey. Have you ever noticed how incredibly difficult it is to keep Quinn happy? He brings this on himself.

Ugh, that man is frustrating and it feels like he's the only companion or romance interest who doesn't under the "no means no" thing either.

Ugh, that man is frustrating and it feels like he's the only companion or romance interest who doesn't under the "no means no" thing either.

On which side? I've never seriously tried saying no to him, but from what I saw, the player's options for steamrolling over his attempts at no are nothing short of horrifying.

What I liked about the romance writing was the middle path where you could choose not to be that aggressive/coercive a jerk but still leave the possibility of romance open. The writing for "I'm actually going to respect your wishes" is unlike anything I've seen in my years of BioWare-ing.

Too bad your prize for all that effort is Malavai "Look, I know my trying to shoot you in the face was kind of a rough patch, but are we still on for Saturday?" Quinn.

Too bad your prize for all that effort is Malavai "Look, I know my trying to shoot you in the face was kind of a rough patch, but are we still on for Saturday?" Quinn.

I'm still not going to be happy until [separate Quinn from his entrails, then eject each out a separate airlock] is a valid dark-side option for the end of the Quinncident.

I'm still not going to be happy until [separate Quinn from his entrails, then eject each out a separate airlock] is a valid dark-side option for the end of the Quinncident.

That would be really funny if it was a light side option. I would do it first chance I got.

I'm still not going to be happy until [separate Quinn from his entrails, then eject each out a separate airlock] is a valid dark-side option for the end of the Quinncident.

Ooh, that's one I hadn't thought of. I always thought [Feed Quinn his own entrails] would be satisfying, but that would require keeping him alive. I like yours much better.

That would be really funny if it was a light side option. I would do it first chance I got.

...On the grounds that murdering this man is a net service to the galaxy. I would love this to be LS.

Hm. Maybe Nalenne should buy him some ice cream or something just to make up for the fact that I'm really enjoying this brainstorming. There's a tiny bit of guilt going on in the back of my mind here. Not much, but a tiny bit.

-Snippers-

Most of that list is comprised of minor -1 affection losses. Things that make him go "Alright, that's weird, but whatever crazy Sith lord".

Ugh, that man is frustrating and it feels like he's the only companion or romance interest who doesn't under the "no means no" thing either.

This is a reflection of poor writing. If you don't take off Vette's collar, you will get a quest daily from her. She still continues to tell you the same thing: take the collar off or go away. If you tell a romance option "No", no matter who it is, they will want to talk to you again the next day as long as their affection is at the required level.

Too bad your prize for all that effort is Malavai "Look, I know my trying to shoot you in the face was kind of a rough patch, but are we still on for Saturday?" Quinn.

More poor writing. BioWare has completely skipped an "ending" for Quinn's romance line post the Transponder Station. All romance lines I have encountered don't have an "out".

Now, for him failing his attempt at killing you...

If you don't take off Vette's collar, you will get a quest daily from her. She still continues to tell you the same thing: take the collar off or go away. If you tell a romance option "No", no matter who it is, they will want to talk to you again the next day as long as their affection is at the required level.

Not sure, but I think Vette and her collar are the only things that do this. Most romance options, if you avoid The Trigger Conversation, will leave you alone and let you complete their conversations normally.

BioWare has completely skipped an "ending" for Quinn's romance line post the Transponder Station. All romance lines I have encountered don't have an "out".

Disgusting but true!

Now, for him failing his attempt at killing you...

He's supposed to fail. All of your enemies are supposed to fall before you. Any NPC in this game will fall before you because it's scripted to happen. I knew I had to kill Baras the moment I met him because he was a level 50 NPC.

 

The whole betrayal thing is a bit iffy, too. He was never "your guy" to begin with. He was planted by Baras. In hindsight, it's hinted at quite a bit before the Transponder Station. In one such hint, Baras mentions he has eyes and ears everywhere via holo, the scene cuts to the warrior with Quinn staring right at the warrior instead of Baras. As soon as Baras speaks again, Quinn turns his attentions back to Baras. He's also fairly evasive when it comes to being romanced because that's not part of the plan.

 

Light side and Dark side choices don't really effect much in game, but Quinn occupies a grey area in the grand scheme of things. He doesn't like overt displays of dark sidedness or light sidedness. He approves of choices he deems logical or beneficial to the Empire (or himself because he is a petulant child).

 

The reason I probably view Quinn differently than most is that I played a Male Warrior first. Most of those who hate the hell out of Quinn were Female Warriors in the middle of his romance. Hell, on my Female Warrior I finished up his conversation lines by level 39, waaaay before the Transponder Station. Still, there is no closure after that and that is BioWare's fault for poor scripting. That, and fans in beta complained that when they killed Quinn he really died and oh no they're crippled now without a healer.

 

Still, I think Baras had something on Quinn, but the lack of a conversation option after the Quinncident leaves much to be desired. Otherwise, the Sith Warrior line is well scripted and flows quite nicely.

Yeah, Quinn's telegraphed about fifty zillion times once you're watching for it. Your LS aspect on Tatooine will warn you. Madaga-Ru, if you let him do the body-snatching thing (and possibly even if you don't), will warn you (it's highly call-able by then). Lord Draahg, Commander Rylon, Agent Dellocon are...well, here I thought they were standins for *me* and *my* future, but that wasn't their only parallel.

His action preferences were dirt easy because they coincided with what I thought was the logical course of action at least 80% of the time. I love people who think like me. Our differences came up in the areas where I have morals and he doesn't: humor, compassion, and reverence for human life for its own sake really bother him. But no, it was really, really easy to intuit his preferences even though they weren't strictly LS/DS.

I loved the SW story completely until I watched myself say "I will keep you alive." That almost broke the whole thing. If Quinn had, I dunno, yelled "Cobra retreat! RETREAT!" and zipped off in a helicopter, the scene and storyline would've been saved because I had some excuse. But no, he's standing right there, untouchable, and I'm saying the stupidest thing I have ever said. Badly. Written. Sufficiently badly written that I've, um, finished two novellas in an effort to correct or justify the situation.

I ran with my ship droid for heals after that until I got the rakghoul customization that makes Quinn look like a zombie. It's freaky enough while running around the world; in cutscenes he looks like a nightmare. I like to think it hurts.

Query: Does Quinn request a personnel transfer at the beginning of Act 3 if you are not romancing him?

Query: Does Quinn request a personnel transfer at the beginning of Act 3 if you are not romancing him?

I can't say for sure on the Female Warrior, but on the Male Warrior (where you can't romance him anyway) he does not.

Okay, I'm going to put my own two credits in here on the whole love-hate Quinn thing. This is not intended to be a defense of Quinn, because I feel that any hatred directed against him is totally justified. I just want to explain why I do not share in that hatred.

First: I love tragic romances. For me, the romance line with Quinn will always be my favorite compared to all the other companions because there is a subtle, inescapable sense throughout that you are doomed, that there will be no happy ending for the two of you. I suppose this could be my imagination, but I always felt like there was a sense of futility in all of those cutscenes. I knew from the very beginning that even if there's a supposedly happy conclusion to the romance arc, somewhere in the future it will not end well.

Then I accidentally spoiled myself for the incident. At first, I was shocked and angry. Then I was ecstatic. Here it was, proof that it was going to be a tragedy after all, right there in the game! With fanfic ideas already beginning to steep in my head, I leveled my Warrior, who was then in her mid-20s, as fast as possible. The spoilers I'd read weren't specific, so I had no idea when it was going to happen, only that it was in chapter three. And then I left Voss and then it happened and I was like "omg this is awesome yay"

While A'tro the character will probably never forgive Quinn's actions, Vesaniae the player does. Because it gives Quinn an opportunity, at least in our minds, to have some character development beyond "super dedicated officer who happens to have a thing for his Sith commander." Besides, the guy is too attractive for me not to forgive him.

Reasons Why I Am a Quinn Fangirl:

- Physical appearance (videogame characters, y u so good looking? And HOW?)

- Voice (eeeee)

- Intelligence (brilliant, educated, high-class snooty Imperial? Yes plz!)

- Tragedy inherent in romance arc

And that pretty much sums it up.

Now, Quinn is hardly a nice person, nor would I say that he is a good person. But neither is my Warrior, and quite frankly, they're perfect for each other. They have very similar personalities and values.

So there they are, two deeply flawed, morally ambiguous individuals, falling in love in the midst of the darkness, staring defiantly into the abyss even as it looms on the horizon. Because if they're going to fall, they'll fall together. *Ahem* Sorry, got a bit overly dramatic there. There's not much that I would call "sweet" about Quinn's romance or character, but there is something strangely fascinating about it. And that is just one more reason why I love the Warrior story.

Sorry for further derailing your thread, bright_ephemera.

EDIT: Oh, and I just wanted to say that if you turn down Quinn's marriage proposal, you get the non-romance legacy conversation. I was quite surprised. Seems he knows how to take a hint, after all. However, you can tell him, and I quote because I'm far too good at memorizing dialogue in this game, "My plans for you go beyond service, Quinn. You will father my children." I was amused. Fem!Warrior gets her way no matter what.

Seriously though, the possibilities for being such a b***h throughout the romance are incredible. If I'd taken those options, I wouldn't have been surprised when Quinn backstabbed me. I'm tempted to post my transcript of conversation 18...but I wont. No more derailing the thread, Vesaniae!

So there they are, two deeply flawed, morally ambiguous individuals, falling in love in the midst of the darkness, staring defiantly into the abyss even as it looms on the horizon. Because if they're going to fall, they'll fall together. *Ahem* Sorry, got a bit overly dramatic there. There's not much that I would call "sweet" about Quinn's romance or character, but there is something strangely fascinating about it.

D'aw. Just so. And I especially, wholeheartedly agree with your last sentence. If you're after romance, or a good person, or a pleasant person, you're in the wrong place, but there is a solid story here.

MOAR OFF TOPIC

Not gonna lie, I got through this guy's "gloating in the spaceport" scene and instantly went to reroll female, got him to smile in one week flat (level 41 o_O), finished out the questline two days after that. Intrigued? Maybe a little.

The way I played through, the dominant sense in the romance arc was that I was always going to be hopelessly hooked and he was never going to be ready. SW was my second class, I wasn't that familiar with how the game handled things, and so by Taris I was 100% convinced Quinn was a dead end. So...futility, yes, but tragedy never came to mind, because he just wasn't invested.

Reasons I'm a Quinn Fangirl:

- He's the least bleh-looking of the male romances. (His competition: Bieber Fett, TattooGrimeStubbleScarMoshPit, and a cat.) Huge points for the five o'clock shadow, anyway. And that profile is killer.

- Hilariously intense voice acting. The timbre is annoying, but man, it really makes the character. He's so into it. I think his commentary if you go down the nickname sidetrack of the marriage proposal is some of my favorite voice acting in the entire game.

- Intelligent evil. I love me some gloating Imperial officers.

- He prioritizes the mission. After forty levels of Corso "Why aren't you adopting puppies and defending the womenfolk who are currently stabbing us in the face?" Riggs, this was infinitely refreshing.

- I get to say "You stated your limits and, while I'll admit I'm interested, I'll respect those limits." I cannot possibly overstate how amazingly great that is. The gender reversal of that power dynamic is really, really remarkable.

- He upholds his principles. They're sh*tty principles from the Warrior's perspective, but he's consistent about it. (Until it becomes overwhelmingly advantageous to jump ship and start gunning to clean up loose ends in passionate defense of his newly adopted principles, but that's neither here nor there.)

Reasons I Hate Quinn With a Fiery Passion:

- Pretty much everything.

I have serious issues with a lover whose reasoning is "Well, she won't stop pestering me...or rather, she did stop because I was uncomfortable, but I still have standing permission...so I may as well give in and have a moral-qualms-free good time before the inevitable shows up, because, hey, in the end, dead women can't have hurt feelings." The fact that that weird robot brain ends up producing enough of a simulacrum of love to make him feel slightly bad about this long, calculated, deliberate manipulation does not really earn him enough sympathy to make up for it.

Nalenne, I am so jealous of you getting to murder his face right off. I'm seriously considering the possibility of giving Quinn his quarters back like he wanted back when they were discussing bringing Andronikos on board. Ooh, or maybe a switch-off arrangement, wherein the less favored on any given night gets those quarters.

Crud, yeah, I should probably get back to fanfic on this thread.

Let us not forget those mails - which I find HI-LARIOUS - that he sends the female SW when you finish the romance arc. Totally adorable in that slightly creepy "he's already planning out our life together" way.

In one of them, he predicts he may die young at the warrior's side, but that it's much preferable to dying behind a desk on Dromund Kaas. EPIC FORESHADOWING OR JUST QUINN BEING HIS WEIRD SELF!? It's probably both. Dude has issues.

Dude has issues.

I would say "Yes.", but that's too short to be permitted as a forum reply.

So:

Yes. He does.

CHRONICLES PAST, 4: What if Nalenne didn't reconcile with Quinn?

Crossposted from the Short Fic Weekly Challenge thread.

Time period: Somewhere in the middle of Quinn's ghostliness, in an ALTERNATE TIMELINE

Jaesa sat down across from Vette in the reading nook. "Hey. Vette?"

"Yeah?"

"When's the last time you saw Nalenne and Pierce?"

"Three days ago. They do have to walk from the bedroom to the outside door and back to get their daily allowance of killing in before they get back to…yeah."

"I never seem to catch them in passing." Jaesa sighed. "I'm caught up on Nalenne's hard-copy comic books around here. I really don't know what else to do with my time."

"You and me could go be heroic or something. You know, let Nalenne and Pierce and the big fuzzy third wheel – poor guy – go killing stuff at every port, and then go do nice things ourselves."

"That's a doomed effort," volunteered ghost-Quinn, stepping through the wall from the bridge.

"Be quiet," said Vette.

Jaesa looked up with her signature compassionate concern. "Since Nalenne started with him…this must be awful for you," she said.

"I really don't want to talk about it," said Quinn. "I just stopped by to make sure Vette realizes she's wrong even when the Wrath isn't here to say it."

"Go away," said Vette.

There was a loud shriek from the bedroom, followed by riotous laughter. Quinn winced and then pretended he hadn't. Jaesa blushed. Vette just looked curious.

Nalenne burst out moments later, belting a dressing gown around herself. "Guys. Guys. New plan."

"I'm all ears," said Vette.

"We're gonna get a new ship. A big ship. With massively overpowered engines."

"And guns," said Pierce, stepping out behind her, shirtless and sweaty and grinning like there was no tomorrow. "Lots o' guns."

"My lord," said Quinn, "your last concept sketch for an 'ultimate megapowered superboomship' would have torn itself apart within three seconds of engine ignition.'"

"Your complaints don't count," said Nalenne, "so shut up. Part Two of the plan: We all get on the ship, except Captain Annoying, and then, and then we blow the Helicarrier up."

Quinn turned paler. "You're going to destroy this ship?"

"Yup! And since your ghostly self is bound here, I bet it'll destroy you, too!"

Jaesa's eyes opened round. "I thought we liked Quinn!"

"Talked her out of that, finally," said Pierce.

"But what if-" said Vette.

"No time to lose," fizzed Nalenne." Let's go. Jaesa, make sure Quinn doesn't talk 2V-R8 into sabotaging anything."

*

The Tentatively Named Extreme More Better S.A.B.E.R. Helicarrier (Nalenne was in too much of an excited hurry to come up with a better name) blew hull-rattlingly powerful thrusters to turn around and face the old Fury-class S.A.B.E.R. Helicarrier.

"Pierce," said Nalenne from the TNEMBSABERH's main turret. "Missiles?"

"Ready, milord."

"Vette. Jaesa. Turrets?"

"Ready," the girls chorused.

"Broonmark. Lasers of questionable utility but undeniable visual awesomeness?"

"Brrrggg."

"Ladies and gentlemen, fire."

The lasers hit first, followed by elegant volleys of multicolored blaster cannons, followed by sleek shining missiles. The Helicarrier blossomed in two dozen places with hull breaches; then the whole thing warped, bucked, and exploded, its oxygen licking away in one bright flare before the entire mess scattered in tiny pieces.

Nalenne whooped and climbed back out of her turret to meet in the holo room. She jumped into Pierce's arms and kissed him, hard, thrilling with the glory of overkill. She didn't stop until Broonmark delicately cleared his proboscis.

"Right," said Nalenne, and unwrapped her legs from around Pierce's waist. He let her down to the ground. "Good job, everybody. Let's go someplace nice and beautifully Quinn-free." She darted ahead of Pierce to the bridge.

Where Quinn was standing, one meter behind and two meters to the left of the pilot's chair. Nalenne skidded to a halt and gawped.

Quinn shrugged apologetically. "I'm afraid I ended up transferring with you, my lord."

"That's not fair."

 

"That's not fair."

it may not be but it's funny

CHRONICLES PAST, 5: In which Quinn starts to realize what he's gotten himself into

Crossposted from the Short Fic Weekly Challenge thread.

Time period: During Quinn's first life, immediately after his recruitment on Balmorra

"My lord?"

"Yes?"

"What is...that?"

Nalenne looked up from the reading nook's holoscreen, which was displaying the latest Scarlet Nexu issue, part of the warrior stripper princess's invasion of Testosteroneland. The newcomer Quinn had apparently gotten back from his errands early; now his eyes were obviously tracing several of the curves in the image while he tried to figure out how that particular motion was physically possible in that not-quite-suit.

"It's a comic book," she said. "You've heard of them, I hope?"

Quinn looked sour. Thus far this seemed to be his only facial expression. "I am familiar with comic books, my lord," he said disdainfully. "I favor Captain Kaas over the likes of...that."

"If you have an editorial to make, make it fast and make it entertaining."

"No editorial, my lord." He looked over and ran another nearly-audible calculation on the elasticity that corset would have to possess for that maneuver. He frowned even harder. "Is this what Lord Baras's apprentice does with her spare time?"

"It has been to date. Whether that remains my prime leisure activity now that you're here will depend very heavily on your performance, captain." Nalenne heard a snicker down the hallway fighting with an exaggerated retching noise and losing. "Go away, Vette."

"I...have work to do," Quinn said in a suddenly strangled voice. "If, ah, work, if something is required, just...uh." He frowned at the Scarlet Nexu yet again. "When you're ready to accomplish something useful, my lord, let me know."

"I suppose you don't have hobbies?" Nalenne said sweetly.

"I track down and assassinate enemies of the Empire in my spare time," he said. "It is a most rewarding pursuit."

"Comic books are rewarding, too, so don't look at me like that."

Quinn cast his gaze down at the floor. "Of course, my lord. I shall return to my duties now."

Nalenne sighed. "Captain. New orders, top priority."

"My lord?"

"Get that stick of your *** before you talk to me again."

"My lord, I...I don't have..."

"All right. First, get a clue. Use the clue to locate the stick in your ***. Remove the stick from your ***. Then and only then may you come bother me while I'm trying to enjoy the cultural highlights of the year."

"Of-of course, my lord." Quinn bowed awkwardly and fled.

Vette sidled around the corner from the crew quarters hall. She, too, gave Scarlet Nexu a once-over. "You really have no shame, my lord. You realize that's probably the most he's ever seen of a woman?"

"That's his problem, not mine." Nalenne calmly flipped the page. Vette took one look at the resulting action scene, squeaked, and found other places to be.

CHRONICLES PAST, 5: In which Quinn starts to realize what he's gotten himself into

 

Crossposted from the Short Fic Weekly Challenge thread.

"All right. First, get a clue. Use the clue to locate the stick in your ***. Remove the stick from your ***. Then and only then may you come bother me while I'm trying to enjoy the cultural highlights of the year."

Second time I've read it and this line is still hilarious as sin.

CHRONICLES PAST, 6: In which Nalenne makes a confession re: acquisitions

Crossposted from the Short Fic Weekly Challenge thread.

Time period: Late in Quinn's ghostly existence, post-Servant-Nine

"My lord."

"Quinn."

"2V's primary motivator has blown out, and since I cannot interact with matter myself I fear I will be of no use to anyone until Vette fixes it."

"Huh. Vette is helping you with this? Voluntarily?"

"I informed her that, since I have nothing better to do, I would follow her around talking until 2V was repaired. She has been working most diligently since then."

"Takin' a page out of her own playbook. Vicious but clever."

"I don't even have to follow through at this point. The threat and a thirty-second sample were sufficient."

"So what can I do for you while you're here?"

"I was actually wondering where the Captain Kaas hard-copy archives ended up. You know that one of the few things I can do in my ghostly state is stick my head inside comic books and single out one page at a time. But my usual reading material is no longer in my quarters."

"Really? Ugh. Bet you anything Pierce or somebody moved it to some hiding place the last time they went through hunting for the slave collar remote."

"You usually track your comic books quite closely, but Captain Kaas seems to be an exception." He tilted his head slightly. "In fact, I have never once seen you actually reading it."

"That's because I hate Captain Kaas. He is by far my least favorite Spectacle everything, and I'm including the X-folk in that list."

"Then...why do you possess the full print run?"

She shrugged. "You said a long time ago that you liked him. I thought I would put the temptation on the ship, first to watch and see if you actually do ever take time off – of course you didn't – and second so you would have something you enjoy if you did suddenly turn weird enough to want to relax."

"I see."

"You never touched 'em, of course."

"No. But after I died and before you assigned 2V-R8 to act as my hands, I was most grateful to have something other than Scarlet Nexu to practice reading."

"Scarlet Nexu might've broadened your horizons a little. But, yeah, Captain Kaas was all for you."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"You might consider notifying me the next time you do something nice for me. So that I notice it perhaps less than two years and one death later."

"Okay," she said, and smiled. "Tell you what, I can go yell at Pierce for hiding the damned comic books."

His eyes lit up. "You will?"

"Yup! Personal favor to you, I'll get good and mad about it."

Yayayay!

Finally one bit more So happy!

Btw, love how Quinn got Vette to do what he wanted

CHRONICLES PAST, 7: In Which Nalenne Has Aspirations That Almost Certainly Won't Work Out

Cross-posted from the Short Fic Weekly Challenge thread.

Time period: During Quinn's first life, in-game timeline around Taris

"My lord, I have finished my optimization of the secondary thrusters, and – what are you doing?"

Nalenne relaxed out of the insane back-arch she had been in and lowered her leg to the ground. "Practicing," she said.

"Practicing…" His eyes trailed to the Scarlet Nexu comic lying open on a nearby crate. "Poses, my lord?"

"Not poses. Combat moves." Nalenne raised her arms and one knee and tried again.

"My lord, there is no effective attack you can possibly make from that position."

"Not true. Just in the next frame she – look." Nalenne pointed.

Quinn dutifully looked. "She would have to have the muscular power output of a small hyperdrive to do that much damage with that move from that starting point."

"I could just Force attack from this once I was finished crushing everyone's will with my aesthetic awesomeness. Scarlet Nexu isn't just about the mechanics, you know."

"That much is abundantly clear."

"The Nexu is fantastic and I'm going to incorporate some of her style into my fighting no matter what it takes."

"Her 'style'?" Quinn said disdainfully. "Please. For one thing, you're wearing too much." An instant later he turned dead pale. "Permission to retract that statement, my lord."

"Denied, captain." She grinned a predatory grin, sensuously peeled off her outermost robe, then turned back to the comic book to flip the page. "Then this one. It looks like it could lead into a fantastic spin, but I don't bend that way."

Quinn checked the image. "You could. I just don't see why you would want to."

"No, I can't. Look." Nalenne braced herself against the nearest wall and twisted and arched simultaneously in a serious effort to kick something a hundred and thirty five degrees from facing while keeping her breasts displayed to maximum advantage. "Even if I could sustain the leg raise at this angle…"

"Which you can't, barring some kind of cybernetic augmentation."

"I can't free up my other hand for the triumphant obscene gesture. I'll fall over."

"Nonsense. That's the least unreasonable part of the entire setup; if you stop leaning on the wall the muscles of your lower back should–"

Nalenne demonstrated attempting the hand gesture and falling over.

"My lord!"

She picked herself up. "I'm fine. I'm just saying, that won't work."

"I should think your core muscles would be in prime condition."

"Well what the hell am I supposed to be looking for?" Before he could start explaining, she got halfway back into position. She brought her free hand around to point at her lower back. "Something. Here. It doesn't work."

"That, the muscle right where you're pointing. If it won't sustain the full arch there are targeted exer–"

"Quinn there are a zillion muscles around there and none of them are happy."

"There's a reason for that," he muttered.

"Get over here. Show me what I'm supposed to work on. If I can't manage this I'll never be able to get the victory dance at the end of the issue."

Quinn stopped midstep. "I…I feel that I am duty bound to not assist you with that, my lord."

"Would you rather I test your idea that I couldn't hurt you from this starting position?"

"No!" He reached her and touched a couple of fingertips to her back. "Lower your leg a little. Then lift again. Can you feel that? That should be fully supporting you while you're engaging in the rest of this nonsense. Frankly, I'm somewhat surprised it lacks the strength now."

"Well, you're just all over the criticism today, aren't you? I'm just making an effort to be even more brilliant than I already am and you're doing nothing but complaining about my taste in awesomeness and–" she started returning to more or less a normal standing position facing him – "and any other straight man in the galaxy would be at least slightly turned on by now."

He looked at her impassively.

"Just a little?" she tried.

"I am obligated to deny that, my lord."

"It's the breasts, isn't it. I can't even come close to Nexu's brea–"

"My lord, I can assure you you compare favorably to that…that trollop, and furthermore if you did seek surgical augmentation to that degree I guarantee the resulting back problems would be crippling. I must advise against it."

"Ooh, there was a compliment in there. The galaxy's smallest compliment, seeing as you loudly assert all the time that the Scarlet Nexu is repulsive, but it was a little bit of compliment."

He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his temples. "Will it be sufficient to keep you from making a catastrophic surgical decision?"

"No, it's only good for a short distraction. You'll have to come up with something more. I suggest doing the smart thing and going along with what I want."

"While from an immediate safety perspective that seems wise, a broader analysis indicates that 'smart' and 'encouraging you' rarely if ever coincide, my lord. If you want another distraction, perhaps I could return to pointing out that you are in no way obligated to emulate the Scarlet Nexu, of all poor role models?"

"But I love her! She's sassy and gorgeous and has no regard for the laws of physics and she always gets the guy. Guys. Plus she can kill anyone in sight, conquer any planet she sets her sights on, and she does it all while looking like that."

Quinn followed to what she was pointing out. "I'm afraid that position is impossible no matter what muscles you choose to develop, my lord."

"I knew you'd say that." Nalenne scowled. "Honestly, after I kill the artist who keeps claiming that kind of maneuver can be done, I'm going to post a Holonet list of his offenses to warn all the other comic book artists."

"If you intend to list the details, I can identify three other anatomical impossibilities on that page alone."

She examined the intricate mostly-nude mud-wrestling melee that filled most of the page. "And that's really the first thing that comes to mind when you look at this."

"It's rather obvious."

"I would think the curves involved would be a little more attention-grabbing, but no. This is you. 'Wrong,' 'impossible,' 'incorrect' – how is it you are so incredibly good at finding all possible ways of saying no?"

"We all have our talents, my lord."

She glared at Quinn for a little while. Quinn stoicked.

Nalenne huffed. "If you're quite finished trying to ruin my hero, captain, you can return to optimizing whatever you were doing, and I'll get back to the less doomed of my two current projects."

CHRONICLES PAST, 8: In which the author owes Monty Python an apology

Time period: Shortly after ghost-Quinn appears

"Haven't seen Quinn this morning," said Pierce. "Makes it a good morning."

"I was talking to some up-and-coming Sith," said Nalenne, "and managed to assign Quinn to him."

"Won't Quinn just snap back here the second you or the ship get out of range?"

"I have to at least try. The sucker who took him seemed awfully happy to have his very own decorated Imperial officer."

"Much good may it do him." Pierce snorted and wandered off again.

Just then the ship's doors opened and a stout Zabrak hurried in, Captain Quinn following close on his heels.

"Wrath!" huffed the Zabrak. "I wish to register a complaint."

Nalenne yawned and waved dismissively. "That's nice. I'm about to go to lunch."

"Never mind that, my lord. I wish to complain about this officer what you assigned to me not half an hour ago from this very ship."

She developed a look that definitely wasn't guilty. "Oh yes, Captain Quinn. Ah, what's wrong with him?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lord. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him."

"Nonsense." Nalenne glared at Quinn; Quinn stoicked. "He's…he's resting," claimed Nalenne.

"Look, Wrath, I know a dead officer when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

"He's not dead, he's resting. Remarkable officer, Captain Quinn, wouldn't you say? Beautiful look to him."

"His looks don't enter into it. He's stone dead."

"No! No, no, no! He's resting!"

"All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up." The Zabrak turned to Captain Quinn. "'Ello, Captain! I've a lovely shiny commendation for you if you..."

Nalenne threw Quinn a significant look and an impatient gesture. Quinn sighed inaudibly and waved a hand. Nalenne tossed him a datapad, which he appeared to catch.

"There," announced Nalenne, "he caught that!"

"No he didn't. That's you Force levitating it to make it look like his ghost is good for something."

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did!"

"I never, never did anything..."

The Zabrak threw a couple of punches through Quinn. "'ELLO CAPTAIN! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! Caaaap-taaaaiinnn!" He took out his lightsaber and plunged it through the immaterial officer. Then, with an angry huff, he turned back to Nalenne. "Now that's what I call a dead captain."

"Ugh. No, he's stunned."

"…Stunned?"

"Yes! You stunned him, just as he was getting ready to do something useful! Quinns stun easily, you know."

"Now look, my lord, I've definitely had enough of this. That captain is definitely deceased, and when you assigned him to me not half an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of interaction with matter was due to him bein' tired and shagged out after a long bout of heroism."

"Well, he's...he's, ah...probably just pining for the Citadel."

"Pining for the Citadel? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he start drifting through the walls the moment I got him home?"

"Captain Quinn prefers traveling through solid objects. Remarkable fellow, isn't he? Really fine looks."

"Look, I took the liberty of interrogating this captain when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason he managed that shooting demonstration during the recruitment spiel was that you had Force handled the entire thing yourself."

"Well of course I handled the blaster myself! If I'd let him have his way he would've locked on to the location of the nearest enemy of the Empire and VOOM! We'd never see him again!"

"'VOOM'? My lord, this officer wouldn't 'voom' if you put four thousand volts through him! He's bleedin' demised!"

"No! He's pining, so just take him away already!"

"He's not pining, he's passed on! This captain is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! This is a late captain!" The Zabrak punched at Quinn again. "He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't mucked up his final scene he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-captain!"

Nalenne and the Zabrak looked at each other for a long while.

"I suppose you're expecting a replacement, then," Nalenne said sullenly.

The Zabrak kept glaring.

Nalenne ran her eyes around the holo room. "Well, sorry. I've had a look 'round the whole shop, and we're right out of captains."

"I see," whined the Zabrak. "I see, I get the picture."

"I've got a Talz," offered Nalenne.

The Zabrak gave her the stink-eye. But when he spoke his voice was very, very sweet. "Does it talk?"

"Well, not in Basic, as such."

"Well it's scarcely a replacement then, is it!?"

"Fine. If you won't take this one…if you won't take this one, then go to my sister's outfit on Korriban. She'll replace the captain for you."

"Korriban, eh? Very well." The Zabrak shot Quinn a last venomous look and swept out.

Quinn remained. "My lord, Darth Niselle will kill him just for showing up asking for anything."

"That's the idea, captain. If that man refuses to take you off my hands, he deserves what's coming."

(...If you've never seen the original Dead Parrot Sketch, check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE )