Before the reset, I had been writing story, some of which I had posted. Now however I've decided to change fairly radically some of the story, and have been left with some bits that don't fit any more. The following one such bit.

I've decided to post what was once the prologue here. In previous posts I had made I had people compliment me for my dialogue, but bemoan the lack of action. I wrote this specifically to be fast, tense and full of action. To what degree it succeeds in that I leave you.

Anyway, I give this following short. Please leave compliments and critiques as appropriate, even if its just as short a simple 5 star rating. Enjoy

“Bloody hell it’s good to see you again”

The soldier marched exuberantly down the dusty slope towards the approaching Jedi before they clasped each other by the forearm.

“Likewise” the Knight smiled back

“You’ve come to join the assault?” asked the soldier with more hope and desperation written on his face than he would have liked to admit

“We got word that there might be a few Sith you needed help with” replied easily “and I’m always willing to help out a friend”

“Well Rettan, I’m glad it’s you. There ain’t many Jedi I like but I think I might like you”

“Tactless as ever” Rettan chided with genuine warmth “Now, shall we Corporal?”

“Certainly sir” said the soldier gesturing back up the way he came from.

They turned together in the bright midday light towards the grey ridge where the soldier had come from. In fact the whole of the planet was grey. The plains were grey, the mountains were grey, the lakes were a lighter shade of blue-grey. If one didn’t include the horrific and bloody conflict being played out on its surface, Ducal was one of the dullest places Rettan had the misfortune of visiting. As it was Ducal happened to be one of those planets useful enough for the Republic and Empire to fight over, but not important enough to threaten the farce of a peace treaty between them.

Rettan turned to his companion as they walked together into the hastily dug trench system cut deep into the ridge “Where’s Captain?”

“Festral’s... Festral wont be joining us”

“I’m sorry Tenner, I didn’t know.” Rettan intoned as he gently touched the corporal’s shoulder

Tenner feigned indifference with a shrug “He went like a soldier. It’s just me leading now, sir.”

“What’s the situation you’ve got?”

“Well we were supposed to take the comm station over there” he said banging the side of the trench in the general direction “We attacked and they withdrew, but they got some heavy repeaters bunkered deep in there and they would have torn us to pieces. Decided it better to hunker down and wait for reinforcements. They tried to break out yesterday, but we beat ‘em back, tail between their legs. Took out their heavy armour when they made the push so it’s pretty much a stale mate right now.”

“Good work.” Rettan said appreciatively “How many Sith up there?”

“Four as far as we can tell. There was a fifth but managed to get ‘im yesterday with a Garanth rocket. Shredded him up pretty good.” Tenner said with distinct pride. “Pureblood an’ all.”

“A Garanth munition? Isn’t that a bit... heavy handed?”

“Don’t know the meaning of the word sir.”

“They don’t call you Splodes for nothing do they...”

“An’ right proud of the name I am too.”

Turning left they came across a knot of soldiers, soldiers from all sorts of planets, genders and species. There were one or two humans (including Tenner), a few Twi’Leks, one or two Duros as well as a smattering of other species. They were all chatting and joking in quietened tones among themselves, preparing themselves and their weaponary for the coming assault.

“Look what I found” Corporal Tenner announced.

The soldiers looked up at the pair. Rettan’s arrival was met with nods of acknowledgement and a dry chorus of “Jedi”. Despite the lack of words it was difficult not to see the spirits of the wearied soldiers raise at his presence.

“You wouldn’t happen to have a couple more of you hiding about?” asked one of the few humans in the group.

“A tank or two, perhaps some artillery wouldn’t hurt either” chirped in another far enough down the line that Rettan couldn’t see who spoke.

“It’s just me and my lightsaber today” Rettan smiled “but you do get my stunning charisma”

“Oh, when’s that arriving?”

“I heard it got lost on your way from Tython.”

“Don’t worry sir. Just ask Kalshok here, you don’t need charisma, right?”

“You don’t need my boot up your *ss either, but you that’s exactly what you’re going to get. Or whatever it is you Isthian’s have instead of *ssh*les”

“Isthian’s have *ssh*les you ignorant jerk”

“Figures. Spend’s enough time being one”

“Enough” interjected Tenner with authority “And anyway, you don’t need charisma when you’ve got raw fire power”

“Explosions aren’t the answer to everything, Splodes” said a voice full of exasperation

“B*llsh*t. The bigger and more unnecessary the explosion the better.” Tenner said firmly

“Well thanks to a certain someone we don’t have much in the way of fire power like that left”

“You give me heavy ordinance, what you ‘specting?”

“Well at least we got a Jedi now, that’s got to count for something?” a diplomatic voice interupted

“Hey, Splodes,” began a human at the Corporals feet, voice full of repressed mirth “weren’t you saying earlier that all Jedi were a bunch of...”

THUCK! The sound of armour on armour rang out loud as Tenner’s boot hit the soldier in the ribs. Hard.

“Right you miserable lot” Tenner’s commanding voice boomed over the troop as the soldier doubled over beside him, groaning weakly “time to get ready. We got to take that comm’s station. Doesn’t look like we’re going to get anyone else coming to help us, so I say we smash at ‘em now. Are you in agreement master Jedi?”

Rettan nodded once

“Right, first we need to get past that repeater. Anyone got any ideas?” Tenner asked the group

“How many have they got?” Rettan asked

“They got five, but they don’t cover each other so we only need to take one out to get in and secure the station.”

“Can I see?” Rettan said holding his hand out. Quickly enough one of the soldiers tossed him a pair of standard issue binoculars. Unfastening the latch at the side he extended it to make a periscope and peered over the lip of the trench.

He quickly spotted the squarely built station about 300 metres distant. It was comprised of a perimeter wall that enclosed two or three squat buildings and a tall metallic mast. Sure enough like the rest of the planet, the whole complex was a shade of grey. Sighing he looked closer still. There, above the square arch entrance was a long vaguely triangular bunker, through which he could see the sinister barrel of a repeater.

Thinking, he absently collapsed down and tossed the binoculars in the general direction of the soldier who had given them to him, without so much as looking in his direction. Silently the soldiers looked to him with expectation, but he did not return their gaze. Instead he sat looking intently into the wall in front of him whilst tension mounted.

“Grenade” he stated flately after a long pause time, finally turning to meet everyone’s eyes once more.

Rettan finally received his grenade “Right, I’m going to try and take out that heavy repeater. When it’s gone, be ready to go”

“Sir” the soldiers intoned in solemn unison as they dourly raised the vaulting plates at the base of the trench. This done, they turned and waited on Rettan, praying silently for his success.

Rettan focused inward, calmed his mind. He closed his eyes and slowed his breathing. He felt the weight of the grenade pressing lightly in his right hand, that of his lightsaber in his left. He felt the eyes of the soldiers upon him, ready to leap out of the trench and die for the Republic at his signal. He felt the tension in the air. He felt it all, but none of it was a part of him. He existed distant, unconnected from that world. He was his own universe. He was become the calm before the storm.

He would only get one chance at this, he thought to himself, or the surprise would be lost.

He primed the grenade.

One chance only.

He felt the warm embrace of the Force taking him, washing through him, filling his being with the power it needed, lending keenness to his sight and strength to his arm. In a single fluid motion he stood-turned-flung the grenade clear the 300 metres towards the small opening of the bunker, before dropping back down into the trench with a soft thud.

For long seconds he lay waiting, nervous, unsure.

Bang! He heard the grenade go off, yet still he lay tense, unmoving, waiting.

KABOOOOOOOOOSH!!! Mere fractions of a second later it came; the massive secondary detonation he’d be waiting for! The heavy repeater’s ammunition store had exploded!

“Well” said an awed Tenner by his side “I’ll never say a bad word about a Jedi ever again” then regaining himself he turned to his troops “Right, let’s have at ‘em!”

They all screamed, all save the Jedi, and vaulted themselves out of the trench. They ran towards electrically charged rolling green cloud that was still rising ominously. All at once blaster fire was streaming, catching any imperials unlucky enough to be caught outside. Rettan’s own Lightsaber was ablaze in his hand. One or two Imperial soldiers scampered out to see what had happened, most of who were cut down by the advancing Republic’s fire. They had crossed almost half the distance before there was any return fire, and they were almost at the gates before anything like a concerted force stepped out to meet them.

The blaster fire had become a steady stream now, arcing back and forth, soldiers from both sides ducking desperately, seeking cover. Rettan continued his own running advance, deflecting blaster fire rhythmically with his lightsaber as he rushed on. As he approached the shattered gate, from the line out of the unfolding carnage and smoke stepped out a Sith. He cast off his black cloak and raised his red blade high, preparing to meet the oncoming Jedi. As he drew closer and closer Rettan could see the Sith steel himself for the coming duel.

With a sharp flick of his free hand Rettan used the force to send grey dust at his face. He reeled back, hands to eyes, but too late. The Jedi reached him slashing through him, his momentum bowling him with a loud thud into the already dead Sith.

Rettan tumbled, rolled, and regained his feet, managing to keep his momentum, speeding across the few feet between him and the nearest cluster of Imperials and brought both force and blade to bear upon them. In moments the Republic troop’s advance caught up with him, and together they made short work of the Imperial’s desperate attempts at survival. It wasn’t long before the Imperials broke and retreated as best they could, some running from the field of battle whilst others tried to fall back to the base, seeking to make a better defence there.

“Rettan! Here!” Tenner’s voice called out across the battlefield as Rettan made his way towards what was left of the gate. The Corporal jogged towards him with his helmet off and a small retinue of a few dozen soldiers following him, whilst the other Republic troops surged on to clear up the rest of the enemy. Rettan waited, deactivating his lightsaber whilst he did so.

“You’re coming with me. We’re going to clear the main building, take the control room” Tenner said breathlessly but with authority. It wasn’t an order; as a Jedi Rettan was under no obligation to obey even if it had been. But nonetheless Rettan nodded.

“It’s going to be difficult crossing the court yard” Rettan had to half shout over the din “I can deflect some fire but I can’t do everything.”

“Well” smiled Tenner “You weren’t here for a holiday were ya! You got us to support you anyhow. Even got one or two snipers, and” he added with a wink “a demolitions expert too.”

“Good then. Try and keep as much fire off me as you can; Jedi tend to be magnets for the stuff.”

“If you promise to do the same” Tenner said as he put his helmet back on. “Right, let’s go!”

With that the group of them wheeled out through the ruined archway into the base. Rettan reignited his lightsaber as he entered the smoke laden air. It filled his eyes with tears, but he trusted the force to plant his footing surely as he headed towards the cacophony of screams.

Bursting through on the other side he could see that the battle was already well in progress; knots of Republic soldiers firing from ever cover they could find in the court yard whilst the Imperials rained destruction from the rooves, windows, caved in holes or any other purchase available from the few sparse buildings. Across the entire scene bodies, or parts of them, lay in broken mournful heaps.

Following in the wake of Tenner and his small group, Rettan began his charge to the building opposite him. As the Jedi had predicted he became a focus for the Imperial fire, forcing him to focus in turn. Closing his eyes he summoned the force, trusted to it, as he began to dodge and swerve, dancing his lightsaber as he wove a protective aegis of light about himself. Time shrunk, ceased to exist as he struggled with every fibre to stay one step ahead of the fire, to stay alive; so it was with some surprise that he suddenly found himself at the building he had seen from across the yard, with almost no perception of how he got there.

They entered through a hole in the wall, provided courtesy of Tenner, with the lead troopers leaping in across the rubble past the blaster fire. By the time Rettan crossed into the room, walking backwards still deflecting blaster fire, the room had been cleared of Imperial soldiers. Finally Rettan felt himself enter temporary safety and within himself let go of his desperate hold on the Force.

“I.... I just need... a minute” Rettan said sagging against a wall

Tenner turned back as the other soldiers heaped their way past him deeper into the building

“Sorry, don’t have time for that Jedi. What’s the matter?”

“Forgive me. Coming through all that fire was... taxing”

“Do I need to leave you here?”

“No, no, I’ll be fine. Let’s go.”

Rettan staggered past Tenner towards the doorway through which the rest of the party had departed seconds before.

“Hey” Tenner called out to Rettan who turned just in time to catch the tiny object that had been chucked his way. “Drink it”

Rettan complied before following Tenner as he led him through the chaos and rubble of once ordered rooms. The savage sounds of war, from both within the building and beyond could still be heard as they made their way. Perhaps it was just a side effect of the stim that Rettan had just drunk which he could feel strengthening his body, but their journey through smoke filled air of the ruined rooms of the with their scattered contents and scattered bodies felt surreal, almost dream like; a dream Rettan wanted to wake up from.

As they climbed the last stair well the sounds of fighting became more immediate. Emerging on to the top floor they caught up with the rest of the troop engaged in a fierce fire fight. Rettan threw himself into combat once more. Dispatching the last Imperial, Rettan looked around at the remaining troops who stood from their cover. Just over a dozen remained.

“Tech!” came a shout from the far side of the room

Two soldiers rushed forward to the source of the sound, a trooper standing in a small anteroom beside a security door whose solid presence suggested stern impregnability. They both started to examine the door and its terminal with strange devices.

“I dunno” one called over his shoulder still typing away into a datapad “it’s a pretty stiff encryption...”

“Should be able to work our magic” the other chirped in positively

A claxon sound emitted from the terminal

“Ok, so that didn’t work. Maybe what abou...”

“Already bored” stated Tenner simply as he slid a non-descript looking device towards the door, right between the two technicians examining the door.

“F*CKING HELL!”

Everyone started running for the nearest cover, all except Tenner who calmly walked towards the door of the anteroom, closing it tight.

“I f*cking hate you sometimes Tenner!” a soldier called as Tenner strode over to a safe spot.

“Aaaaaw, you wound me Sticks” Tenner said before turning toward Rettan “Wouldn’t stand there, boss.” he said nonchalantly “Oh, and I would cover your ears if you ain’t got a helmet”

Rettan moved anxiously along the wall to a place he hoped was safer.

“No, I really mean it Tenner, sometimes you’re...”

PAROOOSH! The entire room was rocked by the detonation! Rivets came lashing out with deadly speed as the wall itself bucked outward. Troopers were knocked to the floor as the door on the near side of the anteroom flew energetically among them. The room started to fill with thick pungent smoke. Quickly Tenner armed and threw the grenade in his hand.

“Let’s go!” Tenner shouted mere fractions of a moment before the grenade exploded. As soon as it had the Republic troops rushed past the smoking gap where doors, a ceiling and a floor that had once made an anteroom and spread out into the room beyond in a hail of blaster fire. Rettan followed close behind. As he stepped through the acrid smoke he could see the fight unfolding among the scarred terminals of the control room. The Republic troops were more than a match for the outnumbered Imperial soldiers, but there were two strident Sith in the room turning the tide of battle.

Rettan leapt at the nearest Sith, deflecting a blaster bolt back as he did so, spinning the officer who had fired it as it returned. The Sith met Rettan’s attack as best he could with his double bladed lightsaber, yet he was forced on to the back foot. Still around them the others fought, blaster fire filling the room. Rettan pressed on; blocking low right, ducking, quickly blocking another blow to the left as the Sith swung his blade in a deadly circle. But the Sith was being pushed back steadily by Rettan’s daring and skill, step by step.

Rettan saw a chance for the killing blow as the Sith frantically retreated back but was denied it as he deflected a blast bolt from his right. Rettan sent a chair flying thunderously towards the soldier who fired on him before the Sith empowered by fear and rage reengaged him this time pushing Rettan back before Rettan halted his aggressive advance. The fire fight around them had lessened as soldiers died. Rettan made a thrust barely deflected by the Sith who was now fighting more desperately than ever.

Another Imperial soldier fired at Rettan who cunningly deflected it towards his floundering Sith enemy. The Sith moved to block the blow but it was already far too late. The bolt hit him square on the right shoulder and Rettan launched a fiery thrust which struck with deadly precision at the centre of the Sith’s chest. As the Sith crumpled to the floor Rettan turned without pausing throwing his lightsaber at the Imperial soldier who had shot the blast decapitating him cleanly.

Rettan called his lightsaber back to its master as he cast his eye quickly over the room. There was virtually no one left. Both imperial and republic soldiers lay around the room either dying or dead. All that was left was himself, the other Sith and Tenner who Rettan turned just in time to see on his knees, helmet away, roaring defiance, as the other Sith struck a fatal slash.

As Tenner fell to the floor, the Sith turned to Rettan in the now derangedly quiet room. They exchanged no words, but for a long moment each assessed the other. She cast her eye towards the dead Sith at his feet and brought them back to Rettan with cold calculating furry, just as Rettan cast his eyes to Tenner and back to the Sith witch, her dark blue midnight skin covered by dark intricate robes.

It was she who struck out first, pushing out and unleashing unnatural lightning from her clawed finger tips. But Rettan was prepared, sending the charred bent remains of the door out to shield himself before the storm, then pushing the door with the full might of the force towards her with deadly speed. She pushed back with her own dark side powers, overwhelming, sending it flying back. Rettan did not resisting in the slightest, flying gracefully over the accelerating door, down upon his foe.

For barely a heart beat the Sith was off balanced, but quickly regained her poise. She was formidably skilled in the Sith battle arts forcing Rettan to fight to the very limits of his ability. Both combatants, empowered by their sides of the force, fought with preternatural speed and skill, their blades not once resting or stopping, seeking their opponent’s demise.

Rettan was forced to spend more time defending than he did attacking as the fight progressed blocking, dodging and deflecting blow after savage blow. He made a desperate strike at her, a strike which she deftly caught then responded with her own blade to cut across him, a blow he narrowly dodged unbalancing him as he backed quickly away. Soon he was giving way again, and she steadily advanced on him, making him duck and weave, backing him towards the centre of the room where a battered bank of terminals lay.

Reaching them, sensing them, Rettan somersaulted backwards. He could feel himself crushing the switches and dials beneath the tread if his boots as he landed, unbalancing him and leaving his legs vulnerable to the Sith’s vicious swipes. He jumped acrobatically back again, disengaging from the losing battle.

Yet the Sith was not prepared to grant him any breathing space as she sent another deadly rain of lightning down upon him. She forced him to dive back behind the salvation of the row of computers, sliding slightly as he did so. He needed to reengage with his saber. His chances weren’t looking pretty either way, but it was the best chance he had. Thinking hard, looking around the room strewn with motionless forms he spotted a chair and sent it flying towards her. She was forced to repel it back, giving him the time he needed to close on her once more.

The lightsaber fight continued more intense than before, Rettan swiping at her, blocking above, left, dodging right. Their lightsabers were an incandescent blur, their movements fluid. Rettan could once again feel the tide of battle swiftly close against him. In desperation, utter calculated desperation Rettan sent a last cut towards her raising lightsaber arm, consciously leaving himself open should his gambit fail. He swept for her hands, his throat closing thick with the anticipation of his last gamble. He missed his target, missed her hand but struck her lightsaber slashing clean through the hilt! It spluttered out, leaving her reeling back, cornered and defenceless.

Quickly with revived determination he closed and swung for the finishing blow. Yet the Sith refusing to admit failure to a Jedi pawn rushed forward as well. Clutching out she caught his hand as it descended towards the end of her life in a vice like grip. She twisted his hand as his own momentum impelled it down before it was arrested ensnared in pain as the Sith raised her other hand and with its vile, claw like talons thrust swiftly down! Down between a join in his armour puncturing down deep into his vulnerable flesh! He screamed in pain! A scream she cut short as she kicked him hard in the chest. Rettan flew back hitting the wall with a solid thump! His lightsaber jangled as it fell across the other side of the room.

Rettan, disorientated, drained, nauseous, only had time to stand before he was buffeted by a storm of dark side energy. Agony seared through him for an instant before he could marshal his defences, desperately deflect the coruscating lightning away harmlessly away from himself for as long as he could. But her power was strong, and her deathly will was stronger still. The lightning flowed without cease.

He renewed his defences, one last burst in order to break her assault. But her assault did not break. Her assault held and intensified in return. All he could do now was to hold on for as long as possible until the bitter end.

Her eyes were alight with anticipation, mocking him, saying in their hungry glance “This day you die”

Rettan hung on for impossible seconds he didn’t believe he had within himself. But it was not enough, not enough. He felt himself failing, growing numb inside.

Then... then... nothing. The Sith attack had let up! Stunned, Rettan opened his eyes to find the Sith screaming on her knees, knife sticking out her thigh, tumbling lightning impossible in it vehemence on a soldier at her feet. It was Tenner, who writhed back on forth on the floor in unimaginable suffering.

This was the space the Jedi needed; summoning what was left of his will he began a lumbering run towards the screaming Sith, summoning his weapon to himself once again, clutching it with purpose in his undamaged hand. She turned only in time to see him bearing down upon her, only enough time to snarl her contempt before Rettan slashed down and she flopped down on the floor lifeless.

Battle over, battle won, Rettan deactivated his lightsaber and stood racked by his lungs need for blissful air as tears of pain and exertion rolled down his check. He was unable to do anything else.

Only once his breathing had slowed enough in its frenzy gulping of air was he able to hear Tenner’s own tortured and uneven rasping. Rettan sank quickly to his knees and examined the scarred face of friend. How Tenner had managed with the Sith wound nearly disembowelling him, to crawl across the room to attack the Sith was beyond Rettan’s comprehension.

“Tenner ... I” Rettan implored, looking deep into eyes of his friend

“All in a days work, sir” Tenner replied in a gurgling rush of air which didn’t sound much like laughter

Rettan struggled past exhaustion and pain to find the right words to say, eventually settling for a simple “Thank you”. It was all he could think to say. But Tenner couldn’t hear Rettan’s earnest need to speak his gratitude and consolation because the soldier was already dead.

I was going to review this in your "Circle of reviewers" thread but i've not completed my own story to be reviewed as of yet so, I'll just look it over here.

I personally really liked this story, I'd skipped your authors note and intended to raise a grievance at the pace but for a quick no-nonsense "right in the thick of it" piece the plots done well. I think maybe clarity as to the rank of the Sith could be useful, the witch at the end was clearly the superior of them all but it did seem rather mary-sure that Rettan could cut two down in quick succession. All though the way in which you describe the Sith being killed is plausible it does stretch my imagination a little.

The Characters are marvellous. Whenever I write a piece I tend to find myself writing maybe even a little TOO much dialogue, I LOVE character interaction. The hate, the love, the sass and banter. You've done that very well, I fell in love with Tenner from the start (I imagined him with an accent like "Gaz" from Call of Duty nice and English ) The supporting characters (that ensemble of troops) were witty and believable, their descriptions were well written. However during the segment where the troops met Rettan I did have to re-read a few lines of dialogue to figure out who said what (an issue I have with my own work.)

I think finally the ending was poignant but a bit predictable, I'd predicted myself that the comic relief character would die doing something heroic for the hero it is something of a cliché, I'm not sure what you could have used instead off the top of my head but twisting the ending a little might be something to consider in the future.

I understand as a reviewer I'm prone to rambles and incoherent points wrapped in riddles inside of clues but I think to summarise, there are a few points you can tweak to (In my opinion) Improve your story but on the whole I really did enjoy reading it! I'll give it 4*

Overall I thought it was interesting and a good read.

My feedback: it seemed like there was often a clear separation between dialogue, description and setting. That made it difficult to get a clear picture of what was happening at any given time, breaking the flow from one scene to the next.

I want to start by saying: please do NOT take a single word of this personally. I approached this with the detachment usual in workshopping a piece. As such, I focus primarily on mechanics and not on plot, as a piece this short over this event appears to be a setup for a larger piece.

That being said, please, feel free to disagree with me on any of the below. I am an English and psychology major, but by no means am I infallible or always 100% correct.

Plot

Plot-- The plot was, indeed, easy to follow. However, the attack on the imperial outpost has the trappings of a setup for a future story, so anything on memorability and originality, etc, seems as if it would be a bit premature at this point.

However, I will say this—if you want to have a vital, visceral sense of combat and war, it can be recommended that a victory should cost the characters involved something. This seemed a bit cut and dry for the main characters, leaving one to believe that the victory was inevitable and not difficult. To show a victory is hard-won, or something of the sort, there must be some loss on the end of the characters—be it a friend, fleshed-out ally, or the like.

Characters

Note on characters-- Opening characters not described, prompting the view of the stereotypical trooper and jedi knight—race was not even stated, making it difficult later on to make the mental transition to the described characters.

The lack of description on the characters made them feel 2 dimensional. There were no real senses of personal ticks or small details that can make one unique from the other. Yes, there was characterized dialogue and responses, but beyond that point, there was no feel of difference on an appearance scale.

Style

I apologize, but I am forgoing the given items on style to favor an approach more geared toward mechanics and sentence logistics.

“They turned together in the bright midday light towards the grey ridge where the soldier had come from. In fact the whole of the planet was grey. The plains were grey, the mountains were grey, the lakes were a lighter shade of blue-grey.”

In passages like the above, it is important to note both flow and punctuation within the statement. This is obviously meant to convey the monotony of the planet’s environment, which is perfectly fine. However, in doing so, while the desire may be to relay a mediocre moment, two things are done that shatter the illusion.

The first is the dramatic image of two comrades turning toward their destination while bathed in the light of the sun. This is a drastic contrast to the blandness of the environment given in the next two sentences. Opening sentences such as this should be when the situation calls for it or the setting applies itself to the description.

The second is the punctuation a more basic question of style. The first sentence ends in a preposition. While this may take the tone of a cliché argument, in this case we can see how it leaves the sentence ending on an awkward tone. Perhaps something along the lines of: “The two turned together in the afternoon sun, toward the path the soldier had traveled.” – Or some such; this is just a quick and dirty example, not a final “this is what it should be.” Along these lines we also see “The plains were gray, the mountains were gray, the lakes were a lighter shade of blue-gray.” The repetition in this, while used to show a sense of the monotony of the color, can hamper the sentence. However, there are ways to help it flow better with word choices, or, if the particular color gray is not as important, we can scrap the gray monotone entirely and focus on showing the environs as bland in other ways. If you want to stay with this, I would suggest fixing punctuation a little—an “and” after the last comma, for example; or perhaps a simple “even,” instead. This list can also be punctuated by semicolon instead of a comma, being a list.

As a final warning on repetition: beware article repetition. Even articles such as “the” and “a” can break the flow of the sentence with too much repeating.

Dialogue tags—do not forget the importance of placing dialogue tags to identify speakers. The first dialogue after the paragraphs with the above sentences has a confusing launch point for dialogue. It is far more prevalent to identify the speaker after the dialogue spoken, unless the link between the two is very close.

In situations such as this: “’I’m sorry Tenner, I didn’t know.” Rettan intoned as he gently touched the corporal’s shoulder” – we have two instances of improper punctuation to look over; the first is at the end of the dialogue quotation marks. Instead of a period, there should be a comma. (i.e. “I’m sorry, Tenner, I didn’t know,” rettan intoned…). Additionally, at the end of the sentence, there is a lack of a punctuation stop. The period is missing.

A word on language—the “*” used to block out letters within curse words is quite distracting. I haven’t tried posting without them (I haven’t posted anything with swearing in it yet), but this does take away from the seriousness of the dialogue when it is used.

A word on sound effects and writing: try to avoid placing a sound effect before a sentence describing it. Sometimes you can get the best mental image of the sound without even going into the actual “word” for the sound. If you do not feel you can, generally we see them used in the following formula: sound introduction-> sound word. For example: “Tenner’s boot struck the armor over the soldier’s ribs in a resounding thud” or the like.

Be careful with switching tenses in a story. If you start as past, remain in past; if you switch to present it can disrupt the flow. This is a very common mistake (and can be one difficult to fix) seen in internet roleplayers. I suffer from this myself. In particular, here is an entry from the story so you can see what I mean: “The blaster fire had become a steady stream now (Indicates present tense), arcing back and forth (Indicates present tense action), soldiers from both sides ducking desperately, seeking cover. Rettan continued his own running advance (Indicates present tense), deflecting blaster (Indicates present tense) fire rhythmically with his lightsaber as he rushed (indicates past tense) on. As he approached (indicates past tense)the shattered gate, from the line out of the unfolding carnage and smoke stepped (indicates past tense) out a Sith.”

Beyond all the above drivel, the story seems to be starting to shape itself well. Nicely done.

Before I begin, I just want you to know that I loved the story. Please know that anything I say in this review does not change that. Also, please know that this is my first time reviewing.

Overall, things here were a bit too simplistic for my tastes. This story may simply be setting up for a larger one, but I am writing this as if it isn't. There was an attack on an Imperial outpost; that's all I really saw on the originality. I wish you had thrown in some sort of small plot device. I understand that the story wasn't really long enough for there to be any kind of major plot twist, so I won't go any further with that. I just hope that in the future, you do add a bit more to the overall plot when it comes to twists/devices, etc.

On the other hand, the simplicity of the plot made it fairly easy to follow, which is one of those 'lose to gain' type things. You always want to be sure to make your writing easy for the reader to grasp and read, but an overcomplicated plot line can sometimes make it harder to understand what's happening. With your plot, I could really find no issue with understanding the events taking place.

The best part of your plot, to me, is the death of Tenner. It is one of those twists that I wished you had had more of. While a bit of an easy one to do, it still made for a better ending than a story like this would usually have. That added to the overall quality of the plot, which will usually attract more readers. (If you're like me and you read the endings to a story first, anyways.)

The characters, I think, could have used some working on. We really never got a description on what Tenner and Rettan look like, while later on, all of the background characters, the soldiers and Sith with no names, actually had some good detail to them. In the future, work on showing the reader who exactly your main characters are. It'll help the reader enjoy the story more than they would otherwise.

Another thing I think you should work on is the personality of your characters. While your characters certainly weren't 2-Dimensonal, they did seem a bit too much like your run-of-the-will Jedi Knight and Republic Trooper. It's an easy thing to fix, though. Simply think of a tick or habit your characters may have, even something as simple as an eye twitch, and sprinkle it on there every little bit, and a bit more about your character will be revealed.

Now, onto the description of the minor characters; you did pretty well here. When you had the other soldiers, aside from Tenner, introduced, you really worked on showing deversity. The different races and personalities blended well into what I would envision a military force would look like in the Star Wars galaxy. While you don't want to make it exactly like your average, every day group of soldiers, though, you can very easily show the originality of your characters with a simple exchange of words between members of the squad, something you did, and did well, when the soldiers were introduced.

This, I think, is what you need to work on the most. While your choice of words and your story tone and setting is fine, you often made some mistakes when it came to punctuation, repition, and grammar. This, in the end, detracts from your story's overall value by making it harder on the eyes to read, and harder to follow the events as they occur.

One of the best examples I noticed when I was reading, for punctuation, is that you had several run-ons. The best thing I can say for you to work on there is watching out for comma placement. Make sure you have your commas where they're needed. In some cases, there was also a punctuation-related repitition. When you used exclamation marks, the following sentences always ended with them as well when they should have ended with a period instead.

Another thing I saw, especially in your first post, was that you didn't really punctuate your sentences when someone was speaking. You had no comma, no period, no question mark, and no exclamation mark. Nothing. I'm not sure how it is for others, but when I'm reading and I don't see a punctuation mark where one is supposed to be, I'm just... distracted. In the future, make sure you properly place your punctuation marks as someone speaks. I know that it wasn't like that everytime, but it was there enough for me to really take notice.

Onto something I'm not really a major fan of; sound effects in writing. While I understand some people enjoy using them, and while I understand some enjoy reading them, I'm not one of those people. I know that you only used them sparsely, but for me I would have preferred none at all. But on this point, I guess it truly does depend on the preferences of the writer. If you like using them, then there's no real reason to stop. Just always make sure they aren't overused.

Now onto the '*'s, when your characters were cursing. It was very, very distracting, to put things simply. When someone is reading a story, and they suddenly come across a series of asterisks used to block out curse words that are popping up in a sudden swarm, it's just a bit too much. It's one of the biggest distractions, for me, there is. I'm not sure if you think they're stupid or not, but if you don't, then you can always try substituting the cursing with curse words from the Star Wars universe. And that's about it for the negatives.

Other than those points- they may seem big with the space I've used to discuss them, but they really aren't- your style can really draw in a reader. Your description of things is superb; the words you use aren't so incredibly unheard of that no one can understand what they mean, but then again, they also aren't too simplistic. Both of those things can be really annoying to the reader, in most cases, unless you're writing to a VERY specific audience.

And that about finishes things. I hope I did a good job on reviewing your story, and I'm glad I had the chance to read it!