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Legacy of Darkness - A Fanfiction trilogy


MayhemofChaonus

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A Sith Lord with his eyes on godhood, his unrepentant lover, his deathly loyal apprentice, and a Jedi Master guided by destiny and the Force. This is the legacy of darkness.

 

Hello readers! (At least I hope you plan to read my story, or this will be like me reading to an empty room...) Welcome to the beginning of what I plan to be a new Star Wars Trilogy! I've been mulling over this idea for 2 years and have finally been inspired to strike out and attempt to put thought to paper! Please keep in mind I am a hobby writer. I have an interest in writing but am not very skilled/experienced (at least to my knowledge), so please give me constructive feedback! I will try to welcome it! My plans for the trilogy involve a time jump between each "novel", hopefully executed much better than KotFE's... The first "novel" is set in the TOR era following the life of Teridax, a Male Dathomirian Zabrak version of (Composite) Darth Nox (i.e. he has the full range of both Sorc and Sin abilities/skills), immediately after his ascension to the Dark Council (Don't worry I won't cover much of old expansion content, in this alternate universe he never gets involved in the Makeb incident or SOR, The Emperor's Wrath and the Imperial Ghost aka ex-Cipher 9 deal with various parts of those releases in my headcanon, possible spin-off series material if I ever decide to get around to it...).

 

I've added a Table of Contents so you can find the parts (and in the future the Chapters) you want more easily (less scrolling and clicking for you my dear readers!). You have the author of the very well-composed False Sith and False Empire stories: Wangxiuming (How do you even pronounce that?!?) to thank for this handy little innovation! Make sure to stop by those threads and show your gratitude(No need to thank me for the free advertising Wan, not that u need it ;):p)

 

Due to my subscription expiring, I can no longer post updates to the story here on the forums. I will instead be posting the story one chapter at a time on RoyalRoadL and Fanfiction.com.

 

I've begun work on an outfit guide so that you can see my character's looks for yourself in-game if the descriptions I provide in the story go over your head, are unrecognizable, or you're just curious!

 

DISCLAIMER: Rating is 13+! Due to scenes dealing with frightening images, implied sexual content, and the occasional bit of graphic violence, reader's discretion is advised!

 

Now please, enjoy the show!

 

Book 1 - Darkness Ascendant

 

Chapter 1: Anointed

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

 

Chapter 2: Betrayal

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

 

Chapter 3: Killer

Part 1

Part 3

Part 5

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

 

Chapter 4: Omega

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

Part 12

Part 13

 

Chapter 5: Dread

Part 1

Part 2

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 10

Part 12

Part 14

Part 15

Part 16

Part 18

Part 19

Part 20

Part 22

Part 23

Part 24

Part 26

 

 

 

Character Outfit Guide

 

 

Nox

(Colors Unified)

Kallig's Countenance, Renowned Assassin Adept Robe (Primary Deep Purple Dye), Force Invoker Gloves, Anointed Zeyd-Cloth Sash, Ancient Battlemind's Lower Robe, Renowned Assassin Adept Boots, Lord Kallig's Double-bladed Lightsaber

 

 

Xalek

(Colors Unified)

Force Invoker Vestments (Primary Deep Purple dye), Anointed Zeyd-Cloth Sash, Ancient Battlemind's Lower Robe, Renowned Assassin Adept Boots, Xalek's Saberstaff

 

 

Ashara

(Colors unified)

Ablative Plasteel Vest, Ablative Laminoid Gloves, Ablative Plasteel Waistcord, Ablative Plasteel Leggings, Ablative Laminoid Boots, x2 Campaign Weaponmaster's Lightsaber

 

 

Andronikos

(Colors unified)

Dread Host Headgear, Unbreakable Veteran's set (Dark Purple/Black Dye)

 

 

Khem

Dashade Customization 11

 

 

Jaesa

Ancient Battlemind's Headgear(Dark/Light Purple dye), Prototype Tholcorp Chancery Shirt(Dark/Light Purple dye), Prototype Tholcorp Chancery Handwear(Dark/Light Purple dye), Prototype Mier-Lang Chancery Belt(Dark/Light Purple dye), Prototype Pravaat Chancery Legwraps(Dark/Light Purple dye), Prototype Merr-Sonn Chancery Shoes(Dark/Light Purple dye), Dark Primeval Seeker's Double-bladed Lightsaber

 

Demise

Fortified Electrum Headgear(Secondary Purple dye), Heavy Quadranium Body Armor(Secondary Purple dye), Campaign War Leader's Gloves(Primary Purple Dye), Campaign War Leader's Belt, Heavy Ciridium Greaves(Primary Purple Dye), Resilient Ultrachrome Boots(Primary Purple Dye), Derelict Lightsaber

 

Vette

(Colors unified)

No helm/invisible helm, Unfettered Trench Coat, Any gloves, Any belt, Alde Statesman Trousers, 2x A-116 Elite Marksman Interceptor

 

 

Pierce

(Colors unified)

War Hero Combat Tech's Helmet, War Hero Eliminator's Chestguard (Deep Red/Black Dye), Phobium Onslaught Gauntlets, Diatium Onslaught Belt, War Hero Eliminator's Greaves, TH-17A Elite War Medic Boots, CD-33 Blaster Rifle

 

Jay-Li

 

Outfit 1(Colors unified, hide head slot)

Jedi Initiate's Vestments, Force Initiate's Bracers, Jedi Sage's Gloves, Jedi Initiate's Lower Robe, Jedi Initiate's Boots, Revered Meditation Double-bladed Lightsaber

 

Outfit 2(Colors unified)

Prototype Coruschal Works/Krail Armory Durasteel Helmet (they both have the same look), Robe of Deception (Light Orange/White dye), Voidmaster Bracers, Voidmaster Handwraps, Force Initiate's Sash, Traditional Thermoweave Lower Robe, Campaign Stalkers Boots, Revered Meditation Double-bladed Lightsaber

 

 

Nadia

 

Outfit 1(Colors unified, hide head slot)

Traditional Brocart Vestments, Pristine Battlemind Bracers, Stalker Handwraps, Pristine Seeker's Waistwrap, Traditional Brocart Lower Robe, Pristine Seeker's Boots, Nadia's Cutting-edge Doublesaber

 

 

Qyzen

 

Outfit 1 (Colors unified)

Protoype RD-13A Raider Chestguard(Dark Green/Medium Brown dye), Lacquerous Mesh Vambraces, Pristine Vindicator's Belt, TT-16B Master Powertech Legplates, Qyzen's Prototype Masterwork Techblade

 

 

Valkra

 

Outfit 1 (Colors unified)

Supreme Vanquisher's Chestplate, [Prototype] RD-15A Mercenary Gauntlets, Fortified Phobium Belt, RD-14A Scout Greaves, [Prototype] Rampage Assault Boots, Valorous Tactician Lightsaber

 

 

Kira Carsen

 

Outfit 1 (Colors unified)

Kira's default outfit/weapon

 

 

Maxxor

 

Outfit 1 (Colors unified)

Trooper's Exalted Body Armor (White/Light Orange dye), Trooper's Exalted armor set, JM-30 Assault Cannon

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1 - Part 1

 

Legacy of Darkness

Book 1

 

Chapter 1: Anointed

 

Xalek climbed the stairway, steadily and confidently. His feelings of pride, elation, and resolve flooded his mind and heart, strengthening him. His master had just become a member of the Dark Council, now known only as Darth Nox. The name, he knew, reflected his master better than the previous title: Lord Kallig. His master was so much more than a mere heir of some long-dead Sith. He was the Dark Side incarnate. He was power and hatred and deception. He was darkness given form. Xalek felt more bloodthirsty, more hungry for action than ever. Now was their time. Now he and his Master would seize power, and rule as the Lords of the Sith they had been born to be.

 

His master had summoned him almost immediately upon returning to his luxury apartment suite in Kaas City. The suite took up an entire 3 floors of one of the Imperial Capital World's tallest skyscrapers. It had not been cheap. But price was no object to a Lord of the Sith, not within the Empire at least. No doubt becoming a member of the Dark Council would only increase the benefits they would have access to. Not that Xalek really cared, as long as he had plenty of challenging opponents to fight and tasks to accomplish. He was a warrior, to him luxuries were not much more than a distraction. But even he wouldn't deny that luxuries were symbols of power, which is why his master suffered many luxuries.

 

He reached the top of the stair, where he saw his master's oldest and most faithful companion, the Dashade Shadow Killer, Khem Vaal. The Dashade was the picture of malevolent strength. His skin was a deep red, the color of dried blood. White designs, tattooed onto his chest spoke of his essence as a Shadow Killer. Xalek had learned to interpret Dashade tattoos in his first few weeks as his master's apprentice, believing the creature to be a possible threat to himself and possibly his master. "A mournful and reflective creature," the lines read. "Full of hunger and bound by honor". The Dashade said nothing, only followed Xalek with his glaring orange/red eyes as the Sith apprentice turned the corner and headed up the much shorter stairway to his masters personal chambers.

 

The door hissed open as he approached, and he felt the rush of the Dark Side whoosh out of the portal like a stiff wind on a cold night. He was instantly filled with a variety of passions; Loyalty, bloodlust, pride, and hatred. His Master's presence had always been a supernatural experience to him. He had never felt anything like it in his life. He still remembered his first time feeling it on Korriban. It had awed him to his core. Never before had simply being in the presence of a being inspired him to such great heights of passion. His master didn't have this affect on just him either. In discussions with other members of his Master's inner circle, he'd learned that they all felt the effects of his Master's great presence in the Force.

 

Andronikos claimed his reflexes were faster when fighting alongside their lord, making his shots come faster and hit their targets more often and more accurately. Ashara, his master's other "apprentice", claimed her connection to the Force changed somehow, allowing her to see and do things she was incapable of by herself. Khem Vaal hadn't said much about his experiences, then again the monster rarely said anything. What he had said was that fighting alongside their master felt like battling at the side of Tulak Hord once more. As for Xalek, being in the presence of his master brought his passions to a peak. It supercharged his connection to the Dark Side and made him immeasurably stronger. Alone he was powerful yes, but under the effects of his master's presence he knew he could slay entire armies, toss Rancors like stones, and bring down enemies normally far beyond his ken.

 

He'd tasted the effects for himself many times on the battlefield. With his strength and fortitude amplified by the Dark Side, and his connection to the Dark Side amplified by his Master's mere presence, he had taken on enemies of Galactic renown. Republic heroes, Sith Lords, Darth's, Jedi of every rank...In his Master's presence he was unstoppable. He realized, suddenly, that he'd been standing there at the entrance to his Master's chambers for a good 2 minutes. Basking in the strength of the Dark Side. He felt foolish, but only a little. After all, could he possibly be faulted for savoring the taste of true power? That is what a true Sith lives for, he thought.

 

Regaining his composure, he continued into the chamber that served as his Master's office, quarters, lounge, and trophy room. He'd only been in here twice before, and never for long. He took the chance to briefly analyze the massive room. There was a large circular arrangement of couches surrounding a small table, also circular. A short couch sat facing the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the Kaas city landscape. 3D models of planets his master had dominated over the years stood hovering above anti-grav pedestals; Alderaan, Hoth, Taris, Nar Shadda, Corellia, and others Xalek did not know. Instead of Imperial banners, large video screens dominated the walls. Each screen depicted short and muted snippets of the end of fights his Master had fought in the past, some before his time. Old enemies his master had squashed like insects. There was Darth Revan, Darth Angral, A possessed prophet of Vodal Kressh, General Ortoll, Darth Zash, and so many others. The vid-droids had recorded most of his Master's most prominent fights in excruciating detail.

 

His eyes strayed to one screen, directly above the doorway leading to the rear-most rooms of his Master's living space. On it he saw his master, portrayed in all his glory, surrounded by a swirling vortex of Dark Side energy while an old Sith hurled Force attacks at the maelstrom that was shrouding Xalek's master. His passions swelled when he saw a dark violet light break through the black storm surrounding his lord. He remembered standing just outside the Dark Council chambers while his Master dueled Thanaton, and remembered feeling the great shift in the Dark Side that had happened at this moment in time that he was now seeing, for the first time with his own eyes. He watched riveted, as the soon-to-be Darth Nox on screen suppressed the vortex of dark energy into himself, focusing it and dispersing it.

 

With a gesture of derision at his opponent, his master reached out a hand and flung Darth Thanaton into the wall of the Dark Council chamber, pinning him there as Darth Nox choked him with the force. Then Nox released Thanaton and let the Sith pick himself up off the floor, crossing his arms and shaking his head, as if watching a child throw a temper tantrum. Thanaton activated his lightsaber and attacked, but Xalek's master reached out with the Force. Xalek watched in admiration, as Darth Nox forced Thanton to his knees, and Xalek looked on as his master utterly humiliated his opponent, forcing him to bow prostrate before him. By the time Darth Marr finally put the old Sith out of his misery, the creature had no dignity left. He died broken and humiliated.

 

Snapped out of his reverie by a sudden disturbance in the Dark Side, Xalek's eyes and attention snapped to the door under the screen. His master's presence emanated from the room behind that door: Darth Nox's forge. His master had called him through the Force. Afraid to have kept his master waiting longer than he should have, he briskly walked towards the door, barely registering it hissing open.

 

There his master stood. An enigma in the Dark Side. Darkness surrounded him in the Force. The closer you got to Nox, the deeper and stronger the darkness became. Xalek fed on it like a Demakian swamp parasite feeding on Nexu blood. He bowed to one knee and said the word that reverberated in his mind like the echo of a ringing gong.

 

"Master."

 

"Xalek..." Darth Nox's voice was low and calm, the darkness surrounding him in the Force thick and inky, but as calm and still as the polar night on Hoth. "I hope you...enjoyed your entrance. I sensed you were fascinated by what you saw and felt." Xalek saw no reason to lie.

 

"Yes Master."

 

"Good..." Came the slow and savory reply. Nox was well aware of his apprentices emotions regarding him, and his enjoyment of the young Kaleesh's admiration and jealousy was palpable.

 

"I have a task for you, my apprentice." The slow and methodical lilt to his lord's voice didn't distract Xalek from the implications of the sentence. "I am ready master. What is your will?" His master turned, and Xalek saw the black, eyeless holes of his master's skull-like helm. The helm of his lord's long-dead ancestor. They fixed on him and despite himself, Xalek felt a slight shiver travel up his spine. He banished it immediately. His master would not appreciate weakness in him. So neither would he.

 

"There are several artifacts that are of the highest interest to me. My predecessor saw fit to ignore them, believing them to be unworthy of pursuing." Darth Nox paused to study his apprentice, sensing the Kaleesh's expectation and impatience. He continued. "I will have you pursue the reclamation of these artifacts with the utmost secrecy. No-one can know what it is I have sent you for. Do you understand?"

 

"Yes, my master." Xalek spoke, not even raising his head. "Your secrets will go with me to my grave."

 

Darth Nox smiled. He knew Xalek wasn't lying. Both the Force and his own knowledge of the Kaleesh's moral code told him so. "I expect nothing less!" He commanded. "You are now my Left Hand, Xalek. By the power vested in me by the Dark Side of the Force, I now pronounce you, Lord of the Sith! Do not disappoint me..."

 

"Master. I am honored." Xalek's calm and nearly monotone response would have hidden his true feelings, if not for Nox's ability to see them as clearly as if they were his own.

 

"Then honor me in return." Nox said in a smiling tone. "I will dispatch you to be my secret enforcer and assassin. You will safeguard my secrets from the galaxy, and protect my interests from those who would seek to claim or destroy them."

 

"My life for your secrecy, master." Xalek said.

 

"Indeed..." Darth Nox mused.

 

Nox turned from Xalek, looking back over the lightsaber forge in the center of the room. His gaze fixed on the door at the back of the room, opposite the door Xalek had entered. "You will travel to Daradek-8 in the ship parked in Hanger 19 of Kaas Spaceport. There is where your search will begin. I will contact you with details once you reach the planet." He paused, reflecting on the excitement building in his apprentice. "Go." He spoke firmly. "Use your new authority as a Lord of the Sith to enforce my will, and protect my secrets.. Do not fail me, apprentice."

 

The reply came swiftly and confidently: "I will not, my master." Xalek rose from the floor and turned, leaving by way of the same door through which he had entered.

 

Darth Nox stared emptily at the opposite door for a few minutes. The light from the pulsating forge and the many datacrons and holocrons hovering over anti-grav display pedastals reflecting eerily off of his purple/white armor and robes. Flashes of color, rippling over him like the rays of light refracted by an ocean. Red, purple, orange, green, blue...waving and moving up and down the walls, ceiling, and floor. The whole room was bathed in light...and power. The sheer amount of Force energy from the datacrons, holocrons, and the forge in front of him helped him think, helped him clear his mind and focus on the Force.

 

Summoning his emotions, he used their power to reach deep into the dark side. Then when he was just about to let himself slip into it fully and become one with his passion, he reached out with his will. His hardened and disciplined mind grabbed hold of his passion like a Force Choke. He summoned all the focus he could muster and channeled the raw power of his emotions into a single, focused blade-edge of Force energy. He felt the veil of the Force rip, split apart by the ruthlessly formed combination of Light and Dark energy. Discipline and Power, Focus and Passion. Each one all but useless without the other.

 

He saw it. He saw it all. The planet Makeb tearing apart, exploding like a bomb. He saw the rise of the Dread Masters, their descent into madness, and their final fate. He saw the return of Revan, now a mere shell driven by hatred and fear. He saw Vitiate. His greatest enemy. The only one who truly stood in his way of becoming the god he was destined to be. He saw Ziost devoured. Turned into a barren wasteland of grey dust and rock, with only titanic, twisted monstrosities left to roam the wastes. He saw the Eternal Throne, an Empire ruled by fear. Faces, names, places...none of them he recognized. Then he saw it. The other path. He turned and walked down it, feeling dark eyes suddenly lock onto him. Fear gripped him, but he grabbed hold of it and focused it through the Light side, bending both sides of the force to his will. His harnessed fear repelled the dark voices, forcing them to be silent and back off. He reached a great door, ancient in design, with a face carved on it that was as far from human as could physically be possible. The face of something so alien and foreign to Darth Nox's ability to process information, that he percieved what he was looking at was merely his minds best interpretation of what he was truly standing in the presence of.

 

He looked at the face on the door and suddenly it looked back. His fear nearly overwhelmed him as the Dark Side itself stared back at him. He was looking into the face of death. "Do you have what it takes?" The voice, everywhere and nowhere at once, boomed in the void, echoing seemingly off of nothing. "Will you sacrifice what is required?"

 

"I will fulfill my destiny!" He shouted, staring straight back into the eyes of the Dark Side. "I will become a god!"

 

"Then you must die." The voice declared and the eyes shone with power. His defenses started to collapse and he heard the voices again.

 

"Die, die, die, die!" they whispered, growing louder every second.

 

"Die, die, die. die!" Nox covered his ears but the voices only became louder.

 

"DIE DIE DIE DIE!" Nox screamed.

 

He broke out of his vision. He was on his hands and knees in front of the forge. He could no longer feel the oppressive power of the Dark Side over him. He had gone deeper than the Dark Side allowed. He had walked the forbidden path and been repelled. He gritted his teeth and clenched his fist. He would not be denied! He had not risen to the Dark Council from slavery, overcome racism, rivalry, Jedi and Republic interference, and a deck wholly stacked against him to be turned aside. He had not risked his own sanity, pushing his body and his connection to the Force well past the limits pre-determined by his genetics to be denied what he knew was his rightful destiny.

 

Through the power of Light and Darkness he had pierced the veil and walked the forbidden path, and he would use that power to break all barriers that arose against him. No obstacle would stop him. By learning the Force Walk he had gained more power than the body he was born with would have allowed. By harnessing the power of the Light Side of the Force to serve as a focal lens for his immense, but defuse and destructive power in the Dark Side he had broken down the walls that the Force built to keep the unworthy away from the power of a god. He would succeed. There was no question. His very name, given to him by his birth mother, spoke of his destiny: Teridax, the ancient god of Nightmares and Darkness. He would live up to that name, he would become his namesake. It was...inevitable.

 

 

Legacy of Darkness Links

 

Fanfiction

RoyalRoadL

 

Please note: I think I have Fanfiction.com figured out in a very basic sense now. However, due to the confusing and complex nature of the Fanfiction.com system I plan to only upload entire chapters at a time, no regular updates. If you want to keep abreast of the story's development on a regular basis that will be what these forums and RoyalroadL will be for.

 

You can also support me and my works on Patreon here.

Edited by MayhemofChaonus
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Very interesting. And I have to say I honestly think you sell your writing ability way too short. It blows mine out of the water. I'm lucky that I have an absolutely amazing beta reader/editor that turns my work into something truly worth reading. The first 5 chapters are so lacking because she didn't start beta reading until chapter 6 and it really shows.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about the 18+ warning as I generally don't bother reading such work. It's more a personal thing than anything else. I always wonder if the writer is, how to put it? Trying to compensate for something that's lacking in the story and that could be almost anything. To me a good story shouldn't rely on a 18+ rating. If there is logical and plot related reasons for said rating then that's fine. But as I said it'a my personal feeling. So feel free to totally ingor it :D

 

Hope my ramblings have been of some help.

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I really enjoyed the beginning of your story and am looking forward to more. I do have one suggestion; in the interest of helping clarity a bit, and that is, whenever there is a new speaker, to put their dialogue on a separate line so that it's clearer who is saying what part.

 

Like your paragraph here is an example and below it an example of what I mean:

 

He looked at the face on the door and suddenly it looked back. His fear nearly overwhelmed him as the Dark Side itself stared back at him. He was looking into the face of death. "Do you have what it takes?" The voice, everywhere and nowhere at once, boomed in the void, echoing seemingly off of nothing. "Will you sacrifice what is required?" "I will fulfill my destiny!" He shouted, staring straight back into the eyes of the Dark Side. "I will become a god!" "Then you must die." The voice declared and the eyes shone with power. His defenses started to collapse and he heard the voices again. "Die, die, die, die!" they whispered, growing louder every second. "Die, die, die. die!" Nox covered his ears but the voices only became louder. "DIE DIE DIE DIE!" Nox screamed.

 

****

 

He looked at the face on the door and suddenly it looked back. His fear nearly overwhelmed him as the Dark Side itself stared back at him. He was looking into the face of death. "Do you have what it takes?" The voice, everywhere and nowhere at once, boomed in the void, echoing seemingly off of nothing. "Will you sacrifice what is required?"

 

"I will fulfill my destiny!" He shouted, staring straight back into the eyes of the Dark Side. "I will become a god!"

 

"Then you must die," the voice declared and the eyes shone with power.

 

His defenses started to collapse and he heard the voices again. "Die, die, die, die!" they whispered, growing louder every second. "Die, die, die. die!"

 

Nox covered his ears but the voices only became louder. "DIE DIE DIE DIE!"

 

Nox screamed.

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Very interesting. And I have to say I honestly think you sell your writing ability way too short. It blows mine out of the water. I'm lucky that I have an absolutely amazing beta reader/editor that turns my work into something truly worth reading. The first 5 chapters are so lacking because she didn't start beta reading until chapter 6 and it really shows.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about the 18+ warning as I generally don't bother reading such work. It's more a personal thing than anything else. I always wonder if the writer is, how to put it? Trying to compensate for something that's lacking in the story and that could be almost anything. To me a good story shouldn't rely on a 18+ rating. If there is logical and plot related reasons for said rating then that's fine. But as I said it'a my personal feeling. So feel free to totally ingor it :D

 

Hope my ramblings have been of some help.

 

don't panic! lol! I put it at 18+ simply because I plan to make these works deal with more mature content like violence, sexuality, and trauma. The last thing I want is to get punished for not putting ample warning and to have the mods come down on me saying little 12-year-old timmy read my stuff and had his innocence stolen. This way my bases are at least partly covered and I can ask:

a) Why were little timmy's parents letting him browse the fanfiction section of SWTOR.com unattended?

and b) I told little timmy right before the story that it was 18+.

 

I honestly thought of putting 13+ first...but then I took a second look at the part I'm working on for the next segment of Chapter 1 and thought: "Yeah not sure I'd want my 14-year old sister reading this...better make it 18 to be safe." Although in all fairness I might be just completely paranoid that even a whisper of sexuality in my stories will get me banned. Which is odd considering I've seen some stuff on here that conjured pretty specific sexual images in my mind...or maybe it's just an art form of implying sexuality without actually discussing it directly. I'm entirely unsure of how much of that sort of content (violence and sexuality) is allowed in this section of the forums. I imagine BW has to keep some kind of eye on that sort of thing, otherwise this forum would no doubt be a lot danker...

 

In regards to the content in question, I'm actually having to make a serious effort to hold back. i'm used to just letting the words flow and if its too graphic or sensitive well that's your problem, not mine. So far I've had several instances where I wrote a paragraph. Re-read it, then decided: "It would be too risky to post this on an official forum..." So make of that what you will. If you really are unsure of the 18+ rating and what it means for the future of the story, read a little more of the story when I release further parts before you decide if that rating and what it means makes this story not for you. I really just want it there to cover my rear and to warn hyper-sensitive people that I'm not planning to pull any punches.

 

EDIT: Re-did the Disclaimer in the hopes of not scaring off too many potential readers, at least not completely lol!

 

I really enjoyed the beginning of your story and am looking forward to more. I do have one suggestion; in the interest of helping clarity a bit, and that is, whenever there is a new speaker, to put their dialogue on a separate line so that it's clearer who is saying what part.

 

Like your paragraph here is an example and below it an example of what I mean:

 

He looked at the face on the door and suddenly it looked back. His fear nearly overwhelmed him as the Dark Side itself stared back at him. He was looking into the face of death. "Do you have what it takes?" The voice, everywhere and nowhere at once, boomed in the void, echoing seemingly off of nothing. "Will you sacrifice what is required?" "I will fulfill my destiny!" He shouted, staring straight back into the eyes of the Dark Side. "I will become a god!" "Then you must die." The voice declared and the eyes shone with power. His defenses started to collapse and he heard the voices again. "Die, die, die, die!" they whispered, growing louder every second. "Die, die, die. die!" Nox covered his ears but the voices only became louder. "DIE DIE DIE DIE!" Nox screamed.

 

****

 

He looked at the face on the door and suddenly it looked back. His fear nearly overwhelmed him as the Dark Side itself stared back at him. He was looking into the face of death. "Do you have what it takes?" The voice, everywhere and nowhere at once, boomed in the void, echoing seemingly off of nothing. "Will you sacrifice what is required?"

 

"I will fulfill my destiny!" He shouted, staring straight back into the eyes of the Dark Side. "I will become a god!"

 

"Then you must die," the voice declared and the eyes shone with power.

 

His defenses started to collapse and he heard the voices again. "Die, die, die, die!" they whispered, growing louder every second. "Die, die, die. die!"

 

Nox covered his ears but the voices only became louder. "DIE DIE DIE DIE!"

 

Nox screamed.

 

Hey wow...that's...really good advice! Thanks! I can't believe I never even considered that! I suppose thats the advantage to being an experienced forum writer. See I was thinking of this story in terms of a book, where you can't break up lines like that because it just fills up pages. But this a forum, so I guess I can take advantage of that.

 

Thanks Luna!

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Hey wow...that's...really good advice! Thanks! I can't believe I never even considered that! I suppose thats the advantage to being an experienced forum writer. See I was thinking of this story in terms of a book, where you can't break up lines like that because it just fills up pages. But this a forum, so I guess I can take advantage of that.

 

Thanks Luna!

 

You're very welcome. :) Glad to have helped. It's the same with books, it's not just forum advice, have a closer look next time when you're reading. Sometimes the structure is lost on us because we get engrossed in the story. Everytime a different person speaks, it's on a different line, so it's clear. You never see two characters quotes on the same line, like "I hate spiders," Phil said. "I know you do," Kate replied. I'm also published (forum writing is for fun) so it's something that I see and deal with quite often.

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You're very welcome. :) Glad to have helped. It's the same with books, it's not just forum advice, have a closer look next time when you're reading. Sometimes the structure is lost on us because we get engrossed in the story. Everytime a different person speaks, it's on a different line, so it's clear. You never see two characters quotes on the same line, like "I hate spiders," Phil said. "I know you do," Kate replied. I'm also published (forum writing is for fun) so it's something that I see and deal with quite often.

 

Well now i feel both honored and embarrassed that an official author corrected me (a former book geek) on novel sentence structure... :p :$

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If anyone out there is wondering why I have yet to add a new part, its because I'm hard at work writing more! The reason its taking so long is because without a Beta reader/editor to help out I have an irresistible compulsion to read, edit, re-read, and re-edit multiple times to try and get it exactly right. (I'm a perfectionist, its crippling sometimes) I should have the next part ready by the 24th at the latest!

 

I really enjoyed the beginning of your story and am looking forward to more. I do have one suggestion; in the interest of helping clarity a bit, and that is, whenever there is a new speaker, to put their dialogue on a separate line so that it's clearer who is saying what part.

 

Like your paragraph here is an example and below it an example of what I mean:

 

He looked at the face on the door and suddenly it looked back. His fear nearly overwhelmed him as the Dark Side itself stared back at him. He was looking into the face of death. "Do you have what it takes?" The voice, everywhere and nowhere at once, boomed in the void, echoing seemingly off of nothing. "Will you sacrifice what is required?" "I will fulfill my destiny!" He shouted, staring straight back into the eyes of the Dark Side. "I will become a god!" "Then you must die." The voice declared and the eyes shone with power. His defenses started to collapse and he heard the voices again. "Die, die, die, die!" they whispered, growing louder every second. "Die, die, die. die!" Nox covered his ears but the voices only became louder. "DIE DIE DIE DIE!" Nox screamed.

 

****

 

He looked at the face on the door and suddenly it looked back. His fear nearly overwhelmed him as the Dark Side itself stared back at him. He was looking into the face of death. "Do you have what it takes?" The voice, everywhere and nowhere at once, boomed in the void, echoing seemingly off of nothing. "Will you sacrifice what is required?"

 

"I will fulfill my destiny!" He shouted, staring straight back into the eyes of the Dark Side. "I will become a god!"

 

"Then you must die," the voice declared and the eyes shone with power.

 

His defenses started to collapse and he heard the voices again. "Die, die, die, die!" they whispered, growing louder every second. "Die, die, die. die!"

 

Nox covered his ears but the voices only became louder. "DIE DIE DIE DIE!"

 

Nox screamed.

 

 

I went back and edited the first segment to try and apply the advice you gave me. Please check it over (if such a busy person like yourself has the time :p) and let me know if I applied your advice correctly!

Edited by MayhemofChaonus
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This is the Table of Contents including the parts I've submitted as beta reader from the point where Mayhem's subscription ran out. He will be updating his OP whenever he resubs!

 

Book 1 - Darkness Rising

 

Chapter 1: Anointed

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

 

Chapter 2: Betrayal

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

 

Chapter 3: Killer

Part 1

Part 3

Part 5

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

 

Chapter 4: Omega

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

Part 12

Part 13

 

Chapter 5: Dread

Part 1

Part 2

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

 

 

 

 

 

 

Original Message in this post:

 

 

... Then your knowledge is WRONG!! This is a pretty good start! Is it just me or were you describing a DK-stronghold as Nox's residence? I yould really see those planetary displays from alliance boxes, the ops/fp trophies and the darkside forge with the holocrons around it! great job!

also... what happened to talos? did Nox not pick him up? I'd say good riddance!

Seeing as how I'm rubbish at commenting on the story (like most comments are) I will probably only chime in when I see something to give constructive critisicm on, but I am definately following this story as I really enjoyed its start!

 

Edited by De-mu-noki
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Your editing of the dialogue has made all the difference in the reading experience. Thank you for doing that.

 

I definitely enjoyed the beginning of your story, and Xalek is actually one of my favorite companions in game. He is so delightfully bloodthirsty and lives true to his own code. He is also one of the most devoted companions. I am glad someone is giving him some attention.

 

Looking forward to more.

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... Then your knowledge is WRONG!! This is a pretty good start! Is it just me or were you describing a DK-stronghold as Nox's residence? I yould really see those planetary displays from alliance boxes, the ops/fp trophies and the darkside forge with the holocrons around it! great job!

also... what happened to talos? did Nox not pick him up? I'd say good riddance!

Seeing as how I'm rubbish at commenting on the story (like most comments are) I will probably only chime in when I see something to give constructive critisicm on, but I am definately following this story as I really enjoyed its start!

 

haha thanks!

 

1. Yes the stronghold I described is an exact replica of my fully unlocked DK apartment suite in-game.

2. Talos is merely a background character...for now. I can promise he will play a surprisingly more important role than you might think. In my headcanon (off of which this story is based) certain companions of Nox play more important roles in his life and thus will appear in it more frequently with more impact. With regards to Xalek not talking to Talos, that is simply to showcase how little the mortal archaeologist matters to Xalek. Talos may well end up being far more important to Nox as the story progresses!

 

Your editing of the dialogue has made all the difference in the reading experience. Thank you for doing that.

 

I definitely enjoyed the beginning of your story, and Xalek is actually one of my favorite companions in game. He is so delightfully bloodthirsty and lives true to his own code. He is also one of the most devoted companions. I am glad someone is giving him some attention.

 

Looking forward to more.

 

I'll try not to give too much away, but regarding Xalek I can promise you he is important to the story. Despite Nox being the official main character, many of his companions and peers (The Wrath, The Imperial Ghost/Cipher Nine, and the Grand Champion of the Great Hunt) will have parts to play in Nox's story.

 

If you truly are looking for more do not worry! I'm planning enough content to fill 3 novels!

 

Notice I said planning hawhaw...I honestly don't know if I'll be able to write 3 full-length novels worth of good content but I won't try to stretch it by including unnecessary content. When the story of Book 1 is finished, regardless of how long it is, Book 2 will start!

Edited by MayhemofChaonus
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Hallelujah! Finally got it done guys! Im soo tired now! Been up way past my bedtime! :p I'm probably as satisfied with this segment as I'm ever going to be, so here you guys go!

 

Note: This is where you'll start seeing more 18+ stuff guys. Well, not exactly the modern version of 18+ so maybe its more 13+ level to most of my readers...

 

Please enjoy!

 

Nox walked casually down the halls of the Citadel, on his way back to his office. He'd just come from putting down a slave revolt in the jungles outside the city, a favor he owed to Lord Nalish. As a Dark Council member he didn't have to repay the debt, he could have simply ordered Lord Namish to absolve him of responsibility. But truth be told it had felt good to get out of his office and do something. The slaves had been no challenge of course, but of more interest was the group of Republic Special Forces and SIS commandos he had discovered hiding in a cave near a waterfall, not far from the slave camp. After infiltrating their camp, killing the commanding officer and then proceeding to butcher as many of them as he could before they escaped, he had contacted the appropriate authorities to notify them of the situation. He had also sent a brief message to Darth Marr outlining his discovery. As the Councilor of the Sphere of Defense of the Empire, Marr deserved to be personally notified, if only briefly, of such an occurrence.

 

Nox couldn't help but question how the intruders had gotten past the planetary defenses. He briefly wondered if they might be remnants from the Republic's earlier attack on Dromund Kaas, the attack that had seemingly silenced the Emperor. Nox knew better than to assume Vitiate was dead. Whatever the Jedi believed their attack had accomplished, Nox knew that Vitiate hadn't cheated death only to meet it at the hands of mere mortals. The Emperor was too cunning, too knowledgeable, too powerful. Even in the worst case scenario Nox could imagine the Emperor was merely weakened to the point where he had to retreat from the known galaxy and recover his strength. Vitiate would return, and when he did he would no doubt retaliate against the Jedi who had dared attack him so boldly. Nox smiled. No doubt such a retaliation would keep Vitiate so busy, so pre-occupied with rage and hatred and vengeance that he wouldn't even notice Nox's manipulations. Vitiate's back would be exposed, and Nox intended to stab it.

 

Turning a corner he felt a shift in the Force, up ahead. The Light Side was becoming clearer and stronger as he neared his office, then, suddenly, he felt her presence in the Force. Smiling, he quickened his pace, it had been too long. Rounding the last corner and looking past the doorway into his office, he saw her; quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the galaxy, barring a few Twi'Lek and Imperial women he'd met on his travels. Ashara Zavros. She seemed even more lovely than the last time he saw her... Beautiful as she was she had faults, of that Nox was keenly aware. Her pride and naivety were what made her so easy to manipulate, which was why she was still with him, still serving him. Well, he thought, that and...other reasons. Although her outer beauty was what appealed to him the most, her naive view of the galaxy, the Force, the Sith, and the Jedi often made her irresistibly adorable.

 

She was leaning back in his chair, her armored boots resting casually on his desk. She inspected her nails with a concentration that defied the fact that she was wearing gloves and that they both knew she had sensed his presence since he'd started down the hallway to his office. Obviously, she was feeling playful. Nox stopped in the doorway and, leaning on it, crossed his arms in front of him and inspected the view. Although the outfit she wore wasn't skimpy in the slightest, it was a skintight fabric lined with cortosis/beskar alloy fibers, and clung to her form leaving almost nothing to Nox's imagination. In combat it provided her with decent protection against hard blows, dispersed the heat energy of a blaster shot, and even provided limited protection against lightsabers. The outfit gave her extraordinary protection, considering its weight and flexibility, in a variety of combat situations. All without limiting her mobility. Vital areas such as her heart, shoulders, hips, shins, and feet were protected by pure cortosis, much more durable and bulkier, repelling direct lightsaber strikes almost entirely. But here, in relative safety, it was abundantly clear that her armor supplied her with other benefits as well, such as provoking distracting lines of thought in male onlookers. But none of these aspects of her armor disguised or shrouded her impressive form. Instead they only accented it.

 

"So..." he finally spoke, watching her eyes rise to meet his. He could see the mischievous twinkle in them. Behind his helm, a grin split his face. "Lord Zavros, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

 

"I came to deliver my report in person." She said, the smile on her face matched only by the one in her eyes. "I've completed my assignment in the Veltosh system."

 

"You were successful then?" Nox asked, already knowing the answer.

 

"Of course!" She replied, getting up from the desk and sauntering casually, seductively towards him. "You know from firsthand experience just how persuasive I can be." She was feeling really playful. He could feel the lust emanating from her through the Force. It corrupted her already weak lightside presence, giving it a delicious, spicy twist. He wasn't exactly immune either, he could feel his own passions rising like a tide. They fed off of each other's reciprocated passions, creating a loop of emotion that only intensified as it passed between them through their Force bond.

 

"I'm glad I do. I always want to be kept abreast of the development of your...capabilities." She drew closer to him

 

"In that case," she said "I should show you some of my newer techniques. I've learned some new things since our last session." He couldn't resist, not when she was like this. He slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her body closer to his, pressing it against him. Her eyes widened in surprise. When their faces were close enough she whispered "Are you sure you should do that now? The place might be bugged, or someone might see us!" Nox put her at ease.

 

"I had it swept for bugs just this morning." he whispered back "And there's no-one coming. I can sense it." She relaxed and they embraced. They both knew better than to go too far until they were truly alone, but she needed his touch, and he had to admit he had missed her. He oddly felt some small part of his emotions change. Just the sensation of feeling her body against his, her breath on his neck, her arms around him, satisfied some small part of him. Made him feel...at home.

 

He released her and they reluctantly parted contact. He gazed into her eyes for a moment. She gazed back into the dark, one-way lenses that made the eye sockets of his helm look eerily empty, and when he didn't say anything after a few seconds she put one hand on her hip and tilted her head to the side. "What?" The question came out with a teasing note to it. Yep, she was still playing.

 

"I...its...its nothing." He sighed. "I just missed you so much." His tone was serious and held no note of deception. Her playful smile changed to a happy one.

 

"I missed you too." She said in a soft voice.

 

Nox felt lost in the moment for a minute, then regained some control of himself. "Your report?"

 

"On your desk." She said, sad the moment had to end.

 

"Excellent." He replied. "I've left some assignments on your desk as well. Paperwork mostly. Once I've completed my review of your report I'll be sending you more forms regarding the relaying of orders to commence artifact excavation in the Veltosh system." She stuck her tongue out in disgust.

 

"Paperwork." She complained. "Master you know how much I hate paperwork!"

 

"I know." Was his response "But you're my Right Hand, and I can't take care of this mountain of forms, documents, and orders by myself." Ashara sighed in resignation.

 

"I guess I'd better get started." She turned and walked out the doorway and down the hall. Nox watched her go, savoring the view until she turned the corner. Then he regained his composure and went to sit at his desk. "Paperwork." He grumbled. "So much paperwork."

 

_______________

 

 

Lord Demise sat in the captain's chair of his Fury. In front of him and to his left, his wife Vette was operating the controls of the ship, taking them to their next destination. He watched her lekku bob and sway as her eyes flew across the ships controls, dragging her head with them, taking in data and adjusting things accordingly. She was getting to be a good pilot, almost as good as Quinn had been before Demise had cut him down for treason. The thought of the betrayal made him clench his fist on the armrest. Quinn had been so loyal, so efficient, so obedient. And yet he had wasted his life with a pointless and doomed effort at treachery. He should have known better than to believe he could actually defeat Demise in combat. Demise would have thought that after all Quinn had seen him do, after all the challenges he'd witnessed his lord overcome, that he would know better than to try and kill him. Yet here they were. Quinn was long gone, denied even a proper imperial burial on Demise's order. Traitors did not deserve such an honor.

 

The ship lapsed out of hyperspace and the shape of the planet Keldas loomed in front of the ship. "Taking us into a descent vector." Chirped Vette's cheery voice as they began their approach. "Landing clearance codes sent...landing clearance acquired. We're going in." She angled the ship towards the planet. Demise watched as the flames began to form around the cockpits viewing port.

 

"Watch your descent vector." He cautioned in a firm, calm voice. "You're coming in a little too steep."

 

"I know, I know. working on it!" She exclaimed. Always eager, he thought. Sometimes her immaturity amused him, and her childlike optimism hardly ever failed to lighten a grim situation. But she was no child, the many nights they'd spent together was more than proof of that. Under that petite, childlike exterior was a woman of unending optimism and intense passion. Whenever she did something; from piloting a ship, to slicing a computer, to fighting on the battlefield, to loving someone, she gave it everything she had. Like a true warrior.

 

An alarm beeped and Vette hurriedly typed in a series of commands before grabbing the control stick and pulling up hard. The ship shuddered as its vector changed, entering a more softly inclined path of descent. Vette sighed in relief and the flames around the viewport subsided. Demise spoke gently.

 

"Next time you might want to pay closer attention to the calculations the computer makes. It tells you at what point in your orbit to start the approach." She turned to him and smiled.

 

"Now where's the fun in that?"

 

Demise sighed and leaned back into his chair. He shook his head chuckling. "What am I going to do with you?"

 

Her grin got bigger. "I've got a few good ideas." She winked at him.

 

"Let's focus on landing the ship in one piece." He said trying to direct her attention back to the controls.

 

"Alright! Back to Sith business! Grrrrrr!" She growled mockingly. Behind his skull-like helm a smile split the Dark Lord's face. She was always as quick with a quip or a sarcastic comment as she was with those twin blasters on her hips. If only she was just as quick to return her focus to the task at hand.

 

The landing went without further incident, and Demise exited the ship into the hanger with Vette in tow. He was here on the Emperor's orders, to eliminate a group of Jedi on the planet. He didn't know what they'd done to merit his master's attention let alone a death sentence, but then again he didn't really care. He'd simply enjoy tearing their base apart and defeating them all in lightsaber combat. As he exited the spaceport he drew the hood of his black robes over his helm. To anyone standing more than twenty metres away, he realized, he must look like a figure out of nightmare; a titan of a humanoid, seven feet tall with two-foot shoulders and a grey skull for a face cloaked under a shadowy hood. He also no doubt appeared to have a bright silver-white solid ribcage, made not of bone but of 96% pure beskar armor, covered in black robes with twin, dark violet lines running from the edge of his hood to the end of his cloak. Hidden behind the black, one-way lenses of his helm's eyes sockets, his mechanical eyes analyzed the environment around him. Keldas was a desert planet, not unlike Tattoine. Windswept and barren of nearly all life, save for a few sparse settlements similar to the one they were in now, it was the perfect place to hunt. There was nowhere to run. There was nowhere to hide. Those Jedi were doomed.

 

_____________

 

 

Darth Nox woke with a start, gasping for air and drowned in cold sweats. He quickly looked beside him to see Ashara sleeping peacefully, a smile on her face. He calmed down and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, gazing out at the dark, rainy night outside. He'd been dreaming about the door again. Ever since he'd had that vision it had haunted him. He ran his fingers over his head, feeling his horns scrape against his palm. The feeling reassured him.

 

He stood to his feet and walked over to the loveseat by the windows. The vid-screens were all black and silent. They watched him like the composite eyes of a swarm of giant insects as he traversed the space across the room from the bed to the windows. He sat down on the edge of the loveseat and stared into the foggy night. The patter of the rain soothing him, calming his still frayed nerves. The light of the moon shone on his deep red skin, showcasing his extensive body tattoos. Insidious-looking patterns spread across his face and chest. The tattoos that dominated his front formed a pattern like a jagged, spiky rib cage, growing smaller and more densely packed the lower down his torso they went. The tattoos on his face resembled the striped patterns of a predator, with tattooed fangs and jaw-accenting patterns to match. Black lightning bolts spiraled down his arms and legs, coiling around his limbs and crossing each other with great frequency, finally flaring when they reached his hands and feet. On his back the patterns became more tribal, more like shadows and elements mixing and melding together. Shapes like flames raged across his lower back, spiraling, curling ,and blazing, while a thick, swirling darkness stretching back from his head, neck and shoulders down to his upper back brooded over them.

 

Nox contemplated the nature of the Force Walk ritual that had brought him here, to this point. Embracing both sides of the Force and binding them to your will was the path to madness, or so it was said. Nox didn't believe it. He was going to prove them wrong. He would prove them all wrong. Those who had come before him hadn't gone mad because the Force was meant to be separate, its power divided. They'd gone mad because they were weak. They weren't determined enough, strong enough, to master this power. It wasn't their destiny. It was his.

 

He thought back on the particulars of the Force Walk ritual. The pacification, the binding, the domination...hmmm. Not for the first time he wondered why it only worked on dead spirits. Spirits without a body. If he was right about the artifacts he'd sent Xalek after a few weeks ago, he would know more in time. His apprentice already had the first two artifacts and was headed for the last one on Melenor. Soon, he thought, soon I will have the secrets I desire in the palm of my hand.

 

He suddenly felt Ashara's hands on his shoulders, and felt her lean over the backrest of the loveseat to place her head beside his. The feel of the soft skin of her bosom on his upper back and her cheek against his calmed the last of his fears and replaced them with much more familiar and pleasant passions.

 

He turned his head and she did too, their lips meeting in a tender kiss. Then he turned back and continued staring out the window. Her presence, her touch, was oddly helping to clear his mind and calm his thoughts. Usually it was the other way around. Usually she, through no fault of her own, distracted him. If it doesn't work on living spirits, he thought, there must be something unique about the bond. Something that doesn't allow you to create that bond with another life-form... He would have to alter it then. But to what? That was the real question. What bond in the Force would be compatible with a ritual of this nature while allowing him to...His eyes narrowed. Of course... A Force bond, like what he and Ashara shared, only much, much more powerful and resilient. This bond would have to be able to sustain the transmission of thoughts, feelings, intentions, sensations, and even power over vast distances on a regular basis. For it to do what he wanted it would need to be a stronger Force bond than anything he'd encountered since...

 

The epiphany struck him full force and he could hardly contain his glee. The bond he needed was a bond like the one formed between the ritual caster and the ritual subject of Tulak Hord's Essence Transfer ritual! No force bond he knew of was stronger than that. It did, after all, have to safely extract the entire soul of one entity without destroying it, and then transfer that soul, intact, into another's body. Even the force bond he and Ashara shared was nothing compared the strength of the bond he'd temporarily felt with Zash, when she tried to steal his body for her own. For just an instant he'd seen her entire life flash before his eyes. He felt every emotion she felt, had every memory she did. He couldn't remember much beyond that, as the truth of those things was now like a half-forgotten dream, lurking on the edge of his consciousness, eluding his grasp.

 

But he had felt it. The unifying of their minds as they fought for control. In that moment they had been as one being with two personalities, both of them fighting for mastery of their body. If this works like I think it will...he thought. I may well have just discovered what I need. The key to unlocking the power of a god. The door flashed briefly through his mind again. It would not stay closed for long...

 

Edited by MayhemofChaonus
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I like the details you highlight in the description (like Ashara's outfit), it really brings the story to life. This chapter definitely kept my attention the whole way through, looking forward to see what's next.

 

 

 

She was leaning back in his chair, her armored boots resting casually on his desk. She was inspecting her nails despite the fact that she was wearing gloves and that they both knew she had sensed his presence since he'd started down the hallway to his office. She was feeling playful. Nox stopped in the doorway and leaned on it, crossing his arms in front of him and inspected the view. Although the outfit she wore wasn't skimpy in the slightest, it was a skintight fabric lined with cortosis/beskar alloy fibers, and clung to her form leaving almost nothing to Nox's imagination. In combat it provided her with decent protection against hard blows, dispersed the heat energy of a blaster shot, and even provided limited protection against lightsabers. The outfit provided her with extraordinary protection in a variety of combat situations, but without limiting her mobility. Vital areas such as her heart, shoulders, hips, shins, and feet were protected by pure cortosis, much more durable and bulkier, repelling direct lightsaber strikes almost entirely. But here, in relative safety, it was clear that her armor provided other benefits as well, such as provoking distracting lines of thought in male onlookers. But none of these aspects of her armor disguised or shrouded her impressive form. Instead they only accented it.

 

A minor suggestion: I noticed the flow is a little bit off in some parts, like the above. The first three sentences of this paragraph begin with "She was ...," which sounds a bit awkward to me personally. Also, you use "provided" three times in reference to what the armor does for Ashara, which also sounds a bit repetitive. I would suggest varying the word choice and sentence structure just a bit more.

 

 

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I like the details you highlight in the description (like Ashara's outfit), it really brings the story to life. This chapter definitely kept my attention the whole way through, looking forward to see what's next.

 

 

 

 

A minor suggestion: I noticed the flow is a little bit off in some parts, like the above. The first three sentences of this paragraph begin with "She was ...," which sounds a bit awkward to me personally. Also, you use "provided" three times in reference to what the armor does for Ashara, which also sounds a bit repetitive. I would suggest varying the word choice and sentence structure just a bit more.

 

 

 

a) Thanks! If you like my vivid descriptions of details and environments, I think you'll love it when I start doing fight scenes! In my personal style of writing I believe fully in making sure I paint a vivid picture of the world I'm creating. I do this because that's how I read stories. I form a film in my head and events, characters and locations are either formed from descriptions in the text or are extrapolated from what little details the author does communicate. So as a result when I write I try to create a film of the events and characters in the minds of my readers, because I'm trying to convey the film I'm seeing play out in my head as I write the words.

b) Yeah....I shoulda seen that. Sorry :$

But thanks for pointing that out! I'll get to fixing it asap! lol

 

EDIT: Fixed it up best as I could think to do, also fixed a bunch of other areas where I think the "flow" was off. re-read it if you like and let me know what you think!

Edited by MayhemofChaonus
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Hey guys! I took advantage of the forums being down the other day to get some serious editing done, so lucky you guys! I'm now satisfied enough with this segment to release it to you!

 

As a favor to me would you guys mind commenting on the length of my releases? Somehow I get the feeling they're too short...I want to know what you guys think. Are you willing to wait longer for new segments if it means getting more content? I should also note that I have been working on these segments with incredible focus and intensity over the past week or so. That is one of the main reasons why they are coming relatively fast compared to updates to other fanfictions (at least the ones I've seen lol). As such I cannot promise that this breakneck pace of release will continue! So enjoy it for however long it lasts!

 

Just like the others, I greatly appreciate constructive feedback. Any tips and hints that improve my story, and my writing skills in the process, are beneficial to me as a writer, and you as the reader!

 

This segment will introduce our main antagonist. Normally its a Sith who fills this role, but since this is a story about a Sith I believe its only appropriate that his greatest opponent should be a Jedi Master...

 

As always, please enjoy!

 

Outfits

Jay-Li: Outfit 1

 

 

Jay-Li Kenobi sat cross-legged on the floor. His heavy brown robes providing something of a cushion to protect him from the hard metal of the ship. His meditations were becoming increasingly plagued by distractions. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't seem to get the feeling of doom and danger out of his mind. Something was going on. It was a small wrinkle in the Force, he could sense it. But it was growing. Slowly, but still growing. Change was coming. He didn't know why he thought that. The future, after all, was always in motion. Yet he could sense something wasn't quite right about this change. The future was slowly being altered...no, guided by an unknown influence. He could sense that much. But guided to what and by whom, he didn't know. It was all clouded by the Dark Side...and something else. Something that wasn't the Dark Side, but just as dark and mysterious.

 

Rising from his position on the floor, Jay-Li walked out of his quarters and turned, heading into the cockpit. Lieutenant Iresso was seated in one of the two pilot seats, legs on the dash, arms behind his head. The picture of relaxation. Jay-Li almost thought he was asleep for a moment, but the Force told him otherwise. Remarkable, he thought. Even with all of that dark knowledge implanted in his head by the Sith, he still manages to relax and just be human once in a while. Instead of drowning himself in his work or alcohol or...worse.

 

Hearing Jay come in, Iresso didn't even move but spoke to the Jedi Master. "Three bogies in the past 5 hours. Just flew by without even a transmission."

 

"Don't tell me you were bored." Jay-Li said half-jokingly.

 

"Me? Naw!" The soldier replied mockingly. "You know me I'm the life of every party!"

 

Jay chuckled and sat in the captains chair. "Let's go home, to Tython."

 

"To Tython." The lieutenant echoed, warming up the ship's engines and prepping the hyperdrive. Within minutes the black of space faded away, replaced by the bright blue of hyperspace.

 

____________

 

 

Jay-Li walked stoically into the Jedi Council Chambers. Master Kiwiks, Master Satele, Master Kaedan, and two other Jedi Masters were already there in person and seated. Most of the remaining members of the Jedi Council were present by holo. Several masters were discussing topics of the day in various groups, continuing debates they had left off earlier perhaps. He took his seat, and after 2 more of the Council tuned in via holo, the meeting began. "I hereby bring this meeting to order." The dull mulling of conversations muted itself, and every master turned their gaze to the Grandmaster of the Jedi Order: Satele Shan. "I'd like to open with the issue I think is most important. Master Kenobi, if you would?"

 

"Of course." Jay said, bowing his head in respect as much as acknowledgement. "My most recent visions have disturbed me. I see a great darkness arising, and not necessarily from the Sith." The comment stirred sounds of surprise and confusion from several Masters. "My friends, please!" Satele said. "Let Master Kenobi continue!" "It's quite alright Master Satele." Jay-Li said smiling gently. "They have more than enough reason to be surprised."

 

"The Sith are the only widespread source of Dark Side energy in the entire galaxy!" Jaric Kaedan said with conviction. "How could any darkness capable of threatening the galaxy NOT come from them?"

 

Jay-Li steepled his fingers in front of his face. "I don't know. I don't know anything for sure. All I know is that the future I see is shrouded utterly in the Dark Side, but there is something else...an eldritch, almost alien presence overshadowing it all. Dark, but not the Dark Side."

 

The chorus of confused murmurs and concerned conversations erupted again. Master Satele let it continue for a brief moment before speaking. "Please Masters, one at a time. Master Suloong, you have something to say?"

 

"Yes." The Iridonian Jedi Master said. Turning to Jay-Li he asked in a curious tone, "What brought these visions on? Where were you when you had them? What was your mission? Your environment? Your focus during your meditation?"

 

Jay-Li let his hands drop back onto the arm rests of his chair. "I was spending several days meditating alone in deep space, I focused on my future, and the future of the galaxy." He responded, not a ripple of deception in his voice.

 

"This is grave news." The voice of Master Kiwiiks spoke softly from her chair on the other side of the semi-circle. "We sensed this kind of darkness once, and we lost many, many Jedi to the plots of the Sith and the renewal of the war. Some of the lost sat on this very council..." Her voice trailed off.

 

"But that raises an interesting question." Master Kaedan pointed out. "Why did none of us receive similar visions?"

 

"Master Kenobi's power in the force has been proven to us time and again." Master Satele's response elicited some murmurs of acknowledgement. "He alone has often been given foresight and knowledge other members of this council and this order have not. And as the Barsen'thor of the Jedi order, it is his purview to see to the order's preservation." Silence. "However," Satele continued. "No matter who it is who brings forward information, revelations, or visions before this council, we must all reach an agreement on how to act on this knowledge." Murmurs of assent. "That is what this meeting is about." Master Satele finished.

 

"Well I think it would be prudent to redouble our efforts into monitoring the movements within the Sith Order." Master Kaedan said affirmatively. "This great darkness could well be another Vitiate on the rise. That is the way of the Dark Side, and the Sith, after all. When one falls, there's always another to take their place."

 

"A wise course of action." Master Ro-Faal added. The Kel Dor Jedi Master had been leaning back in his chair, listening to the conversation until now. "At the very least if we get a better understanding of what exactly is occurring within the Sith Order at this time, we can better understand our enemy so as to finally defeat them. At the very least, with this course of action we will prove that this darkness is indeed from the Sith, while also acquiring much useful information on our foe."

 

"But that will take resources and time." Master Sirina said, brushing her blonde hair out of her eyes. "Both of which we are short on."

 

"Is it not worth it if we prevent another Vitiate?" Master Kendok challenged her.

 

"Enough." Master's Satele's voice drew everyone's attention back to her. "I see no other option considering that Master Kenobi's visions are all we have to go on at the moment. Do we all agree we should begin monitoring the Sith Order much more closely in an attempt to determine the source of the coming darkness?" Several Jedi Masters of the Council nodded their assent. Master's Sirina and Suloong seemed hesitant at first, but eventually nodded their vote as well.

 

"Who will lead this project?" Asked Master Sirina inquisitively.

 

"Master Kenobi, they are your visions. Will you lead this project to monitor suspicious activity within the Sith Order?" Jay-Li looked at Master Satele, then at the other faces all around the circle. They expected much from him.

 

"Are you certain of your choice Master? I am willing, but surely Master Kaedan would be better suited for such a task."

 

"My place is on the front lines." Kaedan said firmly. "As much as I would like to infiltrate the Sith and sabotage their plans from the inside, you Master Kenobi, are far more skilled in the arts of clairvoyance, stealth, and infiltration than I am. You are the perfect candidate for this Council to send on this mission."

 

"That is true." Came the voice of Bela Kiwiiks. "If we assigned you to surveillance of the Sith, Master Kaedan, you'd be attacking Korriban and Dromund Kaas within the week!" Her voice had a definite teasing tone to it.

 

"I see no problem with that course of action." Was Master Kaedan's offended response. "It is decided then." Master Satele confirmed. "Master Kenobi will be in charge of the operation to infiltrate and provide surveillance on the Sith Order. Now on to other, more minor matters..."

 

______________

 

 

Nox was striding unhindered through the Dark Temple when a loud scream of rage suddenly erupted from the shadows of the wall to his left. A dark, obscured figure sprang from the darkness with force-imbued speed, flying through the air and clutching a now active lightsaber. The red blade shone brightly in the dark, aimed at cutting Nox in two. The acolyte suddenly gasped as she stopped violently in midair. Nox was standing in front of and below her, with his active lightsaber impaled through the human's gut, suspending her in mid-jump. The violet blade emerged from her back like a morbid flower stalk. Nox had used his force speed to draw his lightsaber, activating it as he did, then move slightly to the right and towards the flying acolyte while driving his lightsaber through the poor creature's stomach. The result is that Nox now stood with the acolyte's gasping head over his left shoulder, with his saberstaff driven through the young human's gut by her own momentum.

 

She de-activated her lightsaber and gasped her last words into his ear. "Thank...uhuhu...you..." He used the force to push the body away from him as he deactivated his lightsaber. In her last moments the spirits inhabiting the Temple had released her from their possession. She had died free. Nox placed his saberstaff back on his belt and continued walking. He had mediation to accomplish. The spirits of the temple would not stop him or interfere if they knew what was good for them. Despite the fact that he already had 5 Force-Ghosts bound to him by the Force Walk, he knew he could handle a few extra, minor Sith spirits in his body if he had to. Even if only to torture them and release them as an example to the others.

 

Reaching the spiral ramp leading to the Temple's upper levels, he stopped and examined what he saw ahead of him: a Sith acolyte and an Imperial Trooper engaged in an argument, unwittingly barring his way. Their voices, Nox could tell, were not their own. The trooper stood in a dominating position while the acolyte seemingly cowered. Nox reach out with the force and wrested their minds from the control of the possessing spirits with his powers of mind control. The spirits that had occupied their minds wailed and cursed at him, attempting to attack his force defenses. They couldn't even make a dent. Nox instructed the two telepathically to leave the temple grounds and return to their respective superiors.

 

As he headed up the ramp he contemplated the meaning of life and death. He'd sensed the acolyte that had attacked him would serve his purpose better if she was dead, even though he could have easily released her mind from the spirit with a thought and ordered her to safety. But he knew better than to deny his instincts. They were the ration crumbs left behind along the path to his destiny after all. The other two, however, had important roles to play. Somehow, he had sensed a slight setback to his plans would come from killing them.

 

He shook his head. Playing with the future is a dangerous game, he decided while continuing up the ramp. He absentmindedly force-pushed a group of possessed acolytes and troopers that attacked him off the platform as he continued his line of thought. One misstep and he could inadvertently thwart his own destiny. He had to be meticulous. He stopped as he noticed he had reached the top of the spiral ramp. Turning, he continued down the dark corridor, noticing a possessed Imperial Guard ahead. He waved his hand...and vanished from sight. Physically and in the force. Only highly advanced stealth detection tech could pierce his Force Cloak outside of a 10m radius, that, or an immensely powerful Force-user. Immersed in the Dark Side, just another shadow among countless, he moved silently around the Imperial Guardsman, who was rambling incoherently.

 

Moving further along the corridor and keeping his Force Cloak intact, he soon came to the burial chamber of Lord Kallig I, his ancestor. Nox barely spared the open coffin a glance, working his way around the hexagonal room to avoid entering the detection range of the possessed Sith Lord standing in the centre of the room near the coffin: mumbling and whispering to himself, laughing periodically. Nox's goal was the side of the chamber that once been a makeshift wall. A similar wall had once sealed the room off entirely, when Nox first came here as an apprentice looking for an artifact. He'd long suspected that the second wall, so similar to the first, was only another doorway. A suspicion that had been confirmed when Zash used the chamber beyond it for the site of her attempt at stealing his body.

 

It was there he intended to meditate. Based on what little information he could gather from badly erased Imperial Guard archives one of his agents had procured for him, at the cost of his life unfortunately, the Emperor had battled the Jedi in that very chamber during the attack on Dromund Kaas. Nox wanted to meditate there in the hopes of feeding off of Vitiate's residual energies. If he used the new technique discovered by Talos Drelik and one of his own Sith minions on Nyrallis 12 only a few days ago, he should hopefully be able to acquire and reconstruct the Emperor's thoughts from before, during, and after that battle with his own meditations. This would provide him with a doorway into a pale reflection of Vitiate's mind, enough to glean valuable information.

 

How many Sith have wanted to accomplish what I am about to? He wondered. I'm about to peel back the curtain of Vitiate's mind and study it like a specimen. The thought made him a little giddy at first but he quickly sobered when he remembered how dangerous what he was about to do was. He'd heard all the legends. People had been driven irreversibly mad by being exposed to the Emperor's mind, and he was about to do the very same. There can be no reward without risk! He admonished himself and continued down the hall, still under cloak.

 

Reaching the chamber, he was shocked to see how it had changed. A throne of stone sat where Tulak Hord's ritual altar once had. Rocks had fallen from the ceiling, nearly burying the chamber completely. It was sheer luck the chamber was still here at all and not entirely caved in. "No." he said aloud. "Not luck, the Force." His destiny only grew clearer with each step he took along this path. Releasing the cloak he stood to his full height and began picking his way around and over the large chunks of the ceiling that had fallen down. The throne was unmarred and intact. He felt Vitiate's signature all over the chamber but the closer he got to the throne the stronger the residual signal got.

 

Climbing the stair and reaching the throne, he sat down and fell into the Force. After what felt like an eternity of feeling the waves of the force wash over him again and again, he could see it. He couldn't just see it, he could smell, it, hear it, taste it. Lightsabers clashing. Grunts of effort. He could taste the Light Side emanating from the Jedi Knight who was fighting off an army of illusions. He could see Vitiate descending the steps to the Knight, his cold, empty rage emanating from him like a miasma. He saw Vitiate dispense with the illusions and humor the Knight with face-to-face combat. The Knight gained an advantage, only for Vitiate to vanish and 5 illusions of him to attack the Knight from nowhere. But Nox wasn't interested in the battle. No he wanted the real prize, the Emperor's thoughts. Reaching out through the Force, Nox seized on the imprint of Vitiate's mind. A faint echo of the real thing, like a footprint in the sand. Here and then gone. Time and the currents of the Force had already worn away much of the details, but what was left was more than enough to challenge Nox's perceptions of reality. The dark truths of the Emperor's mind took on a life of their own, and attacked him like rabid predators, threatening to tear apart his mind and devour it whole...

 

But Nox remembered the door. The power was there, waiting to be claimed. The power that was his destiny. He would not fail! He would NOT be denied! He seized his thoughts and wielded them like a weapon. Summoning the Dark Side, he felt the power swell within him. Bending the Light Side to his will, he then harnessed his discipline and focus to control and direct his rage, his hatred, his anger into a blade of psychic force energy that pierced the phantom thoughts that were assailing his mind. Seizing upon them, he laid them out like puzzle pieces. And slowly, those pieces came together. Piece by maddening piece, he assembled the truth. He understood. He knew what he had to do.

 

"The children..." he breathed. His voice as hoarse as if he had been screaming. "The children...are the key...will be the key. The key that unlocks the door..." He sat on the throne, deep in thought. He knew what his path was. With the truths he'd gleaned from the ghost of the Emperor's mind and the knowledge from his vision, he saw the way ahead. He would create his own children, and just like how the Children of the Emperor were the product of Vitiate's years of work and experimentation, so too would these "children" Nox would create be his spawn. But not the spawn of an emperor, oh no. Nox had no desire to rule a mere empire. As an emperor he was a symbol, he could be defied, hated, rebelled against, and overcome. No. He would be, he WAS, darkness incarnate. So too would these children be manifestations of his will, extensions of his body. They would be his Children of Darkness.

 

He now knew where to find the knowledge Vitiate had used to create his "children". The exact knowledge of the rituals involved were details that had long since been worn away from the still-fading imprint of Vitiate's mind, but the knowledge of where such mysteries were kept was still intact. Yavin 4...

 

Edited by MayhemofChaonus
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Hope I didn't keep you guys waiting too long! I'm now satisfied with this piece and release it to you for your consideration, critique, and reading pleasure.

 

I planned to write a lot more than this when I thought about what I would say when I released this segment, but its well past 5 in the morning here and I've just spent the past 4-5 hours doing nothing but writing about half of the 2nd chapter, of which this is the first segment (Yay we made it to chapter 2! lol)...As you can guess I'm very tired and have to be up at 10:30 tomorrow to boot. Yeah, good luck with that. :$ Anyway here's the start of chapter 2! As always constructive criticism is welcome and feedback is appreciated! Speak your mind!

 

Sorry its so short, but that's only because the next segment is almost twice the length if I understand Microsoft Word Count correctly.

 

Enjoy!

 

Outfits

Jay-Li: Outfit 1

 

 

Chapter 2: Betrayal

 

 

Master Jay-Li Kenobi shuddered in the cold, watching his breath freeze as it left his mouth and billowed behind him like steam as his speeder zoomed overtop the snowbanks. He disliked ice planets. The heat was much easier to ward off than the cold. He focused on his breathing and called on the Force. Soon he felt warm again, but the technique only slowed the effects of the cold and allowed him to survive without winter gear temporarily, not forever. His wife Nadia on the other hand wasn't having such an easy time of it. She was used to warm temperate climates, and despite how strong she was trying to be he could tell she was feeling fatigued.

 

Focusing on the Force, he let a stream of healing force energy flow from his body, through her arms and back into her. She stirred as the restorative energies loosened her muscles and warmed her extremities. "Thanks." she said sweetly and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled back at her. Her painted face was as white as the snow that surrounded them, save for the thick black lines that stretched from her eyes upward and across her cheeks. Her Jedi robes, a hand-woven gift from the Voss Mystics and made in their traditional style, were streaming out behind her in the wind. The bright, shimmering green of the decorative patterns contrasting the deep brown of the fabric.

 

"You're most welcome my dear. Now remember, try and focus on feeling the currents of the Force around you. Don't focus on anything else, just feel the Force." He felt her concentrate, and sensed through their force bond that the pain of the cold was beginning to leave her body. She relaxed more and squeezed him around the waist.

 

"What would I do without you?" She asked rhetorically.

 

"Get into trouble." He said shooting her a wink over his shoulder. She giggled and smacked him on the shoulder before returning her hand to its place with the other, clasping his abdomen. The speeder accelerated and roared off towards a massive mountain in the distance, covered in ice and snow.

 

Before long they arrived at the mountain. Jay-Li and Nadia had tracked their target, a Sith Lord, here. A unique calculating algorithm written by their good friend Tharen Cedrex had calculated that this particular Sith was likely up to something more dangerous than any of his fellows. The algorithm considered factors such as the locations he had visited in the past month, the history of those locations, as well as the number and significance of people who coincidentally come down with a bad case of dead within the same time period. Master Kenobi wasn't normally the kind of man to rely on technology or algorithms to decide his courses of action, but he could feel the Force's hand in all of this. They were meant to track this Sith. They were meant to discover exactly what he was doing here.

 

He climbed off the speeder and offered Nadia his hand, as if this whole thing had been nothing more than a man giving a lady a joyride. She laughed and took it, hopping off the speeder and drawing her lightsaber, but leaving it inactive. "Let's go!" She said and bounded off towards the nearby cave. Jay-Li smiled and called on the force. Taking off at impossible speed, he whooshed past Nadia in a blur. Giggling, she followed suit and they were halfway down the cave before they came across the corpses.

 

It was a group of dead Wampas. All sliced to pieces by a lightsaber. Jay-Li stopped and inspected the corpses briefly, allowing Nadia to catch up. "He's been here." He said, "Not too long ago either. Time for stealth." She nodded and with a wave of her hand, vanished from sight, sinking deep into the shadow of the Force. Master Kenobi followed suit and the two headed deeper into the cave. As they travelled Jay-Li poured over the situation in his mind. It didn't make sense. Their target was somehow making it impossibly hard to track him. All they had left to follow right now was a very faint force signature, and yet all the other clues said they were right on his tail! Suddenly they turned a corner, and realized they were in a small, open cavern. The end of the cave. A ray of light filtered down from a hole in the roof, casting its light on...there! At the far end of the cavern! Jay-Li felt it before he saw it. A small Sith holocron, glowing with a soft, pulsing violet light. Odd, he thought. Usually Sith holocrons were red. No matter. He could feel the Dark Side emanating from it in waves. It was a Sith holocron, no question about that.

 

Suddenly the cave exploded with Dark Side energy. In front of the holocron, a figure de-cloaked. He wore violet robes with white and grey armor attachments. At his waist was a saberstaff of Sith design. His three-fingered claw-like hands and his hooded head were the only things exposed to the open air. From those hands and through the Force, Jay-Li knew right away who he was looking at. The Kaleesh they were tracking, Lord Xalek.

 

Xalek reached for the holocron. Finally, his task was at an end. Grasping it in his hands, he stared at it. It was glowing with a bright purple light. Almost the same color as his own skin. Fascinated, he turned it over and over in his hands, feeling its weight and texture with his bodily senses, and its power through the force. Reaching for his pocket he pulled out a holo-transmitter and punched in the code meant for use by him and him only. He set the holo-transmitter on the ground in front of him and stood with his feet shoulder-width apart, the artifact hidden behind his back. The image of his master, wearing identical armor to him except for the helm and gloves, appeared. The similarity in their choice of wardrobe was no accident. Xalek had purposefully ordered his new set of armor with the specifications for his master's armor. It had served his lord well, so why should it not do the same, and more, for him?

 

"My master." He greeted Darth Nox with a bow of his head. Not his usual sign of deference.

 

"What is it Xalek?" His master asked, realizing he was either going to get very good news, or very bad news. Xalek didn't speak a word. He simply brought the hand holding the artifact around in front of him, to where Nox could see it. "Ahhhh yes. I knew you wouldn't fail me Xalek. You never have."

 

"You honor me, my lord." The Kaleesh said, bowing his head once more.

 

"Bring the artifacts to me at once! I will be awaiting your arrival on Dromund Kaas. There is much work to be done Lord Xalek."

 

Xalek was about to respond when a disturbance in the force stopped him. Summoning the Dark Side to him he moved with incredible speed, twisting the holocron from the spot it was in and clutching it to his chest as he whirled around. Drawing and igniting his lightsaber as he turned, he saw a faint shimmer of refracted light over his shoulder, and felt the wind of something moving past him at an incredible speed. Xalek attached the holocron to his belt as a man in brown robes with blonde hair suddenly de-cloaked six meters off to Xalek's left and drew a saberstaff, igniting the green blades. Xalek spat his next words with contempt and hatred. "Jedi!"

 

Xalek charged, moving at full speed towards the attacker who had attempted to steal the holocron from him, right in front of his master. His violet blade clashed with the Jedi's green one, and the two saberstaff practitioners battled at close range. Xalek utilized Juyo form in an attempt to quickly end his assailant, thrashing and twirling his lightsaber in vicious combinations of moves. His opponent met them all. He seemed to be using a more defensive variant of Niman, incorporating elements of Soresu form into the more balanced, so called "diplomats form". Xalek growled and increased the frequency of his attacks, incorporating some Ataru attacks, hoping to overwhelm the Jedi with sheer offense. But to no avail. His opponent's use of the elements of Form III made his defense shockingly resilient.

 

Normally, Niman was favored by Jedi and Sith who were weak in lightsaber combat, or didn't have the time to train in the martial arts, as it was easy to learn. As such, the majority of its practitioners were weak combatants who preferred using the Force to solve their problems rather than the blade of a lightsaber. However, the effort required to learn Niman form was inversely proportional to the effort required to master it. Xalek knew well how deadly the form could be thanks to his master. Darth Nox was a master of Form VI, after the order of Exar Kun. His perfect balance of use of the Force and use of a lightsaber in combat made him a terrifying foe to face. No matter what you did, a true master of Niman like his master had an answer for it. There were no inherent weaknesses in Niman. It was completely balanced. It offered no offensive advantage other than what its user brought to the table. On the other side it brought no exceptional defense boost either, other than what the user, again, possessed.

 

His master always used to say: "Form VI is the ultimate test of strength. If you are weak, it will not help you. It only empowers those who are strong enough to master it." As the thought flashed through his mind, Xalek began to strategize how he might defeat this opponent. Without his master here he had only his own power and skills to rely on. So he would use his master's training, and use it well. He slipped into Makashi form, aiming to disarm his opponent rather than pierce his seemingly impenetrable defense or counter his equally formidable offense.

 

The change threw his opponent for a second, but only just. In another microsecond the hole in his opponents defense closed and he cursed at losing his opportunity. He felt a ripple in the force, and dodged an incoming barrage of boulder-sized projectiles made entirely out of frozen snow, launched by his opponent in repeated, rapid succession. Not solid enough to crush him but more than solid enough to hurt. Bounding off the cavern walls, he dodged snowy missile after snowy missile. Then he leaped down on his opponent and brought his lightsaber over his head, unleashing a Kaleesh warcry. He was going to bring the blade down on the Jedi and cleave him in half. His opponent dodged easily, slipping to the side like a ghost, as if he had never been standing there in the first place. Xalek landed and attacked with fury. He began to break up his attacks with use of the force: slash, stab, lightning burst, stab, lightning burst, spinning attack, force push, Lightning blast, slash... Every move was countered, every feint foreseen.

 

Another ripple in the force. Running completely on instinct, Xalek whirled to the side. Another Jedi, a female, de-cloaked, grasping at the place where the holocron hanging from his belt had been only a few microseconds before. He snarled with rage. This was becoming tiresome. He realized his master was still watching the proceedings, silently. The whole time, Darth Nox had been watching Xalek struggle against a powerful enemy and said and done nothing! His muscles tensed with rage. But that is the way, Xalek reminded himself. If I am weak, he wants to see that weakness laid bare. The Kaleesh straightened, every muscle in his body tensing as he prepared for what was to come. He would not be weak. He would show his master he was fit to be his apprentice, that he was a worthy successor, that he was worthy to slay him and take his place one day! He would not fail his master.

 

The two Jedi attacked. The male attacked first, tying up Xalek's lightsaber in crosscuts and entangling combos. Xalek felt his limbs grow weary and heavy as his opponent attempted to use the Force to tire him and limit his reaction time. He resisted. With everything he had; his rage, his unbridled hate, his unquenchable bloodlust, he resisted. The female followed behind. She attempted to overwhelm him while his defenses were limited, using a deadly combination of lightsaber assaults and powerful force kinetics. This female was strong. Almost as strong in the force as her Jedi friend...friend? He mulled the thought over, even as his body weakened and the Jedi's attacks increased. No, he realized, not just friends. The way these two worked together in perfect sync...as if reading each other's thoughts, they weren't merely friends. Behind his bone mask, a smile split his face. He had his escape plan.

 

He slowed his reactions further. Not enough to lose him a limb, but enough to make the Jedi believe their strategy was finally working. The male began to raise his lightsaber, and Xalek saw the spinning slash coming before the lightsaber got more than halfway to full position. He leaped off the ground, using the force to enhance his strength. Spinning in midair, he unleashed a whirling kick right into the male Jedi's chest. Normally the blow would have cracked ribs, but the Jedi's force armor protected him from that. Not, however, from being winded. With the male staggering back, Xalek knew he had his chance. It was now, or never.

 

But he didn't need to, the female attacked him all her own. "Nobody hurts my friends!" she screamed and lunged with her lightsaber, trying to bury it in his gut. He spun out the way and knocked the back of her head with the hilt of his lightsaber, sending her tumbling into the snow bank behind him. Xalek raised his hands to the ceiling and reached out with the force. Snow began to fall and frozen chunks of snow began to break apart. The male Jedi was just clambering to his feet. When he saw what Xalek was doing his eyes widened with horror. "No!" He cried out. But it was too late. Xalek brought his hands DOWN with a finality that sent shivers up his spine. He'd won.

 

The male Jedi made a desperate leap to the female, landing on top of her, shielding her with his body just as the ceiling began to come down on them. Xalek turned and, with the last burst of force power he could muster, sprinted down the cave to the entrance, the holocron bouncing on his hip. The only thing left behind as the cavern collapsed was the holographic image of his master, still standing there, stoically watching his apprentice escape. In seconds the young Sith was out of range. Then the ceiling collapsed on the transmitter, and the image vanished.

 

Edited by MayhemofChaonus
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Hope I didn't keep you guys waiting too long! I'm now satisfied with this piece and release it to you for your consideration, critique, and reading pleasure.

 

I planned to write a lot more than this when I thought about what I would say when I released this segment, but its well past 5 in the morning here and I've just spent the past 4-5 hours doing nothing but writing about half of the 2nd chapter, of which this is the first segment (Yay we made it to chapter 2! lol)...As you can guess I'm very tired and have to be up at 10:30 tomorrow to boot. Yeah, good luck with that. :$ Anyway here's the start of chapter 2! As always constructive criticism is welcome and feedback is appreciated! Speak your mind!

 

Sorry its so short, but that's only because the next segment is almost twice the length if I understand Microsoft Word Count correctly.

 

Enjoy!

 

 

Chapter 2: Betrayal

 

 

Master Jay-Li Kenobi shuddered in the cold, watching his breath freeze as it left his mouth and billowed behind him like steam as his speeder zoomed overtop the snowbanks. He disliked ice planets. The heat was much easier to ward off than the cold. He focused on his breathing and called on the Force. Soon he felt warm again, but the technique only slowed the effects of the cold and allowed him to survive without winter gear temporarily, not forever. His wife Nadia on the other hand wasn't having such an easy time of it. She was used to warm temperate climates, and despite how strong she was trying to be he could tell she was feeling fatigued.

 

Focusing on the Force, he let a stream of healing force energy flow from his body, through her arms and back into her. She stirred as the restorative energies loosened her muscles and warmed her extremities. "Thanks." she said sweetly and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled back at her. Her painted face was as white as the snow that surrounded them, save for the thick black lines that stretched from her eyes upward and across her cheeks. Her Jedi robes, a hand-woven gift from the Voss Mystics and made in their traditional style, were streaming out behind her in the wind. The bright, shimmering green of the decorative patterns contrasting the deep brown of the fabric.

 

"You're most welcome my dear. Now remember, try and focus on feeling the currents of the Force around you. Don't focus on anything else, just feel the Force." He felt her concentrate, and sensed through their force bond that the pain of the cold was beginning to leave her body. She relaxed more and squeezed him around the waist.

 

"What would I do without you?" She asked rhetorically.

 

"Get into trouble." He said shooting her a wink over his shoulder. She giggled and smacked him on the shoulder before returning her hand to its place with the other, clasping his abdomen. The speeder accelerated and roared off towards a massive mountain in the distance, covered in ice and snow.

 

Before long they arrived at the mountain. Jay-Li and Nadia had tracked their target, a Sith Lord, here. A unique calculating algorithm written by their good friend Tharen Cedrex had calculated that this particular Sith was likely up to something more dangerous than any of his fellows. The algorithm considered factors such as the locations he had visited in the past month, the history of those locations, as well as the number and significance of people who coincidentally come down with a bad case of dead within the same time period. Master Kenobi wasn't normally the kind of man to rely on technology or algorithms to decide his courses of action, but he could feel the Force's hand in all of this. They were meant to track this Sith. They were meant to discover exactly what he was doing here.

 

He climbed off the speeder and offered Nadia his hand, as if this whole thing had been nothing more than a man giving a lady a joyride. She laughed and took it, hopping off the speeder and drawing her lightsaber, but leaving it inactive. "Let's go!" She said and bounded off towards the nearby cave. Jay-Li smiled and called on the force. Taking off at impossible speed, he whooshed past Nadia in a blur. Giggling, she followed suit and they were halfway down the cave before they came across the corpses.

 

It was a group of dead Wampas. All sliced to pieces by a lightsaber. Jay-Li stopped and inspected the corpses briefly, allowing Nadia to catch up. "He's been here." He said, "Not too long ago either. Time for stealth." She nodded and with a wave of her hand, vanished from sight, sinking deep into the shadow of the Force. Master Kenobi followed suit and the two headed deeper into the cave. As they travelled Jay-Li poured over the situation in his mind. It didn't make sense. Their target was somehow making it impossibly hard to track him. All they had left to follow right now was a very faint force signature, and yet all the other clues said they were right on his tail! Suddenly they turned a corner, and realized they were in a small, open cavern. The end of the cave. A ray of light filtered down from a hole in the roof, casting its light on...there! At the far end of the cavern! Jay-Li felt it before he saw it. A small Sith holocron, glowing with a soft, pulsing violet light. Odd, he thought. Usually Sith holocrons were red. No matter. He could feel the Dark Side emanating from it in waves. It was a Sith holocron, no question about that.

 

Suddenly the cave exploded with Dark Side energy. In front of the holocron, a figure de-cloaked. He wore violet robes with white and grey armor attachments. At his waist was a saberstaff of Sith design. His three-fingered claw-like hands and his hooded head were the only things exposed to the open air. From those hands and through the Force, Jay-Li knew right away who he was looking at. The Kaleesh they were tracking, Lord Xalek.

 

Xalek reached for the holocron. Finally, his task was at an end. Grasping it in his hands, he stared at it. It was glowing with a bright purple light. Almost the same color as his own skin. Fascinated, he turned it over and over in his hands, feeling its weight and texture with his bodily senses, and its power through the force. Reaching for his pocket he pulled out a holo-transmitter and punched in the code meant for use by him and him only. He set the holo-transmitter on the ground in front of him and stood with his feet shoulder-width apart, the artifact hidden behind his back. The image of his master, wearing identical armor to him except for the helm and gloves, appeared. The similarity in their choice of wardrobe was no accident. Xalek had purposefully ordered his new set of armor with the specifications for his master's armor. It had served his lord well, so why should it not do the same, and more, for him?

 

"My master." He greeted Darth Nox with a bow of his head. Not his usual sign of deference.

 

"What is it Xalek?" His master asked, realizing he was either going to get very good news, or very bad news. Xalek didn't speak a word. He simply brought the hand holding the artifact around in front of him, to where Nox could see it. "Ahhhh yes. I knew you wouldn't fail me Xalek. You never have."

 

"You honor me, my lord." The Kaleesh said, bowing his head once more.

 

"Bring the artifacts to me at once! I will be awaiting your arrival on Dromund Kaas. There is much work to be done Lord Xalek."

 

Xalek was about to respond when a disturbance in the force stopped him. Summoning the Dark Side to him he moved with incredible speed, twisting the holocron from the spot it was in and clutching it to his chest as he whirled around. Drawing and igniting his lightsaber as he turned, he saw a faint shimmer of refracted light over his shoulder, and felt the wind of something moving past him at an incredible speed. Xalek attached the holocron to his belt as a man in brown robes with blonde hair suddenly de-cloaked six meters off to Xalek's left and drew a saberstaff, igniting the green blades. Xalek spat his next words with contempt and hatred. "Jedi!"

 

Xalek charged, moving at full speed towards the attacker who had attempted to steal the holocron from him, right in front of his master. His violet blade clashed with the Jedi's green one, and the two saberstaff practitioners battled at close range. Xalek utilized Form VII Juyo in an attempt to quickly end his assailant, thrashing and twirling his lightsaber in vicious combinations of moves. His opponent met them all. He seemed to be using a more defensive variant of Form VI Niman, incorporating elements of Form III Soresu into the more balanced, so called "diplomats form". Xalek growled and increased the frequency of his attacks, incorporating some Form IV Ataru attacks, hoping to overwhelm the Jedi with sheer offense. But to no avail. His opponent's use of the elements of Form III made his defense shockingly resilient.

 

Normally, Form VI Niman was favored by Jedi and Sith who were weak in lightsaber combat, or didn't have the time to train in the martial arts, as it was easy to learn. As such, the majority of its practitioners were weak combatants who preferred using the Force to solve their problems rather than the blade of a lightsaber. However, the effort required to learn Niman form was inversely proportional to the effort required to master it. Xalek knew well how deadly the form could be thanks to his master. Darth Nox was master of Form VI, after the order of Exar Kun. His perfect balance of use of the Force and use of a lightsaber in combat made him a terrifying foe to face. No matter what you did, a true master of Niman like his master had an answer for it. There were no inherent weaknesses in Niman. It was completely balanced. It offered no offensive advantage other than what its user brought to the table. On the other side it brought no exceptional defense boost either, other than what the user, again, possessed.

 

His master always used to say: "Form VI is the ultimate test of strength. If you are weak, it will not help you. It only empowers those who are strong enough to master it." As the thought flashed through his mind, Xalek began to strategize how he might defeat this opponent. Without his master here he had only his own power and skills to rely on. So he would use his master's training, and use it well. He slipped into Form II Makashi, aiming to disarm his opponent rather than pierce his seemingly impenetrable defense or counter his equally formidable offense.

 

The change threw his opponent for a second, but only just. In another microsecond the hole in his opponents defense closed and he cursed at losing his opportunity. He felt a ripple in the force, and dodged an incoming barrage of boulder-sized projectiles made entirely out of frozen snow, launched by his opponent in repeated, rapid succession. Not solid enough to crush him but more than solid enough to hurt. Bounding off the cavern walls, he dodged snowy missile after snowy missile. Then he leaped down on his opponent and brought his lightsaber over his head, unleashing a Kaleesh warcry. He was going to bring the blade down on the Jedi and cleave him in half. His opponent dodged easily, slipping to the side like a ghost, as if he had never been standing there in the first place. Xalek landed and attacked with fury. He began to break up his attacks with use of the force: slash, stab, lightning burst, stab, lightning burst, spinning attack, force push, Lightning blast, slash... Every move was countered, every feint foreseen.

 

Another ripple in the force. Running completely on instinct, Xalek whirled to the side. Another Jedi, a female, de-cloaked, grasping at the place where the holocron hanging from his belt had been only a few microseconds before. He snarled with rage. This was becoming tiresome. He realized his master was still watching the proceedings, silently. The whole time, Darth Nox had been watching Xalek struggle against a powerful enemy and said and done nothing! His muscles tensed with rage. But that is the way, Xalek reminded himself. If I am weak, he wants to see that weakness laid bare. The Kaleesh straightened, every muscle in his body tensing as he prepared for what was to come. He would not be weak. He would show his master he was fit to be his apprentice, that he was a worthy successor, that he was worthy to slay him and take his place one day! He would not fail his master.

 

The two Jedi attacked. The male attacked first, tying up Xalek's lightsaber in crosscuts and entangling combos. Xalek felt his limbs grow weary and heavy as his opponent attempted to use the Force to tire him and limit his reaction time. He resisted. With everything he had; his rage, his unbridled hate, his unquenchable bloodlust, he resisted. The female followed behind. She attempted to overwhelm him while his defenses were limited, using a deadly combination of lightsaber assaults and powerful force kinetics. This female was strong. Almost as strong in the force as her Jedi friend...friend? He mulled the thought over, even as his body weakened and the Jedi's attacks increased. No, he realized, not just friends. The way these two worked together in perfect sync...as if reading each other's thoughts, they weren't merely friends. Behind his bone mask, a smile split his face. He had his escape plan.

 

He slowed his reactions further. Not enough to lose him a limb, but enough to make the Jedi believe their strategy was finally working. The male began to raise his lightsaber, and Xalek saw the spinning slash coming before the lightsaber got more than halfway to full position. He leaped off the ground, using the force to enhance his strength. Spinning in midair, he unleashed a whirling kick right into the male Jedi's chest. Normally the blow would have cracked ribs, but the Jedi's force armor protected him from that. Not, however, from being winded. With the male staggering back, Xalek knew he had his chance. It was now, or never.

 

But he didn't need to, the female attacked him all her own. "Nobody hurts my friends!" she screamed and lunged with her lightsaber, trying to bury it in his gut. He spun out the way and knocked the back of her head with the hilt of his lightsaber, sending her tumbling into the snow bank behind him. Xalek raised his hands to the ceiling and reached out with the force. Snow began to fall and frozen chunks of snow began to break apart. The male Jedi was just clambering to his feet. When he saw what Xalek was doing his eyes widened with horror. "No!" He cried out. But it was too late. Xalek brought his hands DOWN with a finality that sent shivers up his spine. He'd won.

 

The male Jedi made a desperate leap to the female, landing on top of her, shielding her with his body just as the ceiling began to come down on them. Xalek turned and, with the last burst of force power he could muster, sprinted down the cave to the entrance, the holocron bouncing on his hip. The only thing left behind as the cavern collapsed was the holographic image of his master, still standing there, stoically watching his apprentice escape. In seconds the young Sith was out of range. Then the ceiling collapsed on the transmitter, and the image vanished.

 

Damm Xalek is basically TOR's Darth Maul!nice writing man you're capturing the essence of a Sith master and apprentice relationship really well.

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Damm Xalek is basically TOR's Darth Maul!nice writing man you're capturing the essence of a Sith master and apprentice relationship really well.

 

Hahaha oh dude...you have no idea how much that connection you made tickles my funny bone. I have the feeling your going to love what I plan to do in Book 2. XD

 

Thanks for the positive feedback! That stuff is like meat and drink to hobby writers like myself!

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The battle was definitely very engaging and well-paced. Well done!

 

It doesn't bode well for Jay-li and Nadia if they are having trouble with Xalek 2 vs 1. Are they heading for a steamrolling against Nox? Looking forward to seeing what's next!

 

Oh dear, that's an issue! I didn't mean to convey the image that Jay and Nadia are weak... Please allow me to explain.

 

Jay-Li and Nadia severely underestimated Xalek. Had Nadia not hung back so long, looking to swipe the holocron and if the two Jedi mounted an immediate surprise attack (instead of going for the holocron first) aiming to kill or disable him, they would have succeeded. Xalek, however, is a tough fighter. The fact that Jay-Li and Nadia weren't able to overwhelm him right away speaks to the depths of Xalek's own endurance. Xalek was pretty much doomed to lose if the battle had stayed a mere martial competition, his defeat was merely a matter of time under those circumstances.

 

But true combat isn't just martial prowess or skill, it is also strategy and psychology. Xalek only managed to escape by theorizing the existence and extent of Jay and Nadia's relationship and then using it against them. Had he tried to defeat them he would have lost swiftly. Also keep in mind that once Nadia appeared Xalek was focused solely on defending himself. All his efforts were being poured solely into that goal. That is part of the reason he was able to take on two Jedi for what amounts, in real time, to 20 seconds of combat. Had Xalek not found an exit strategy when he did, it would have simply taken another 10-20 seconds for Jay-Li's Time Slow force power to rob him of enough of his reaction time to be defeated.

 

Xalek lasting so long was a nod of sorts to SWTOR as well. In-game, with a tank player and their dps companion whaling on a Xalek tank (or any other tank spec'd companion) it would still take a significant amount of time to defeat him, as a way of recognizing this without making the confrontation too ridiculous, I wrote it to last about 40-50 seconds give or take 10 seconds. The reason the fight may seem so long is because I'm showing it to you in what almost amounts to slow motion!

 

It's also worth noting that while I do base the specific force powers and fights somewhat off of SWTOR game mechanics, the fights are ultimately narrative combat as opposed to mechanical combat. This means that the fights have to be more realistic and dynamic than in-game. In SWTOR, Xalek would have been overwhelmed and lost within 20-30 seconds, even in tank spec. But in a real-life fight in a parallel universe (like this one), he won't just go down so easily. In this universe, defeating an opponent isn't about getting their hp to 0, its about outwitting, outmaneuvering, or overpowering them. Thus Xalek, thanks in no small part to Nox's training and his own abilities as a warrior, was able to survive fighting a Jedi Master who was playing defense (notice Jay was using Niman with some Soresu, basically tank spec) for about 20-30 seconds, then surviving a fight with that same Jedi Master (Still playing it safe) and a powerful Jedi Padawan (using a more offensive variant of Niman) that lasted about 10-20 seconds.

 

Notice also, that the time Xalek spent fighting Jay, the Jedi Master was merely batting away his attacks like they were nothing. Xalek was pouring everything he could into overwhelming Jay, but Jay countered everything he had rather easily, showing not even a hint of tiring. Jay was only attempting to distract and engross Xalek so Nadia could swipe the holocron. Had Jay actually attempted to defeat or kill Xalek the fight would been (boringly) over much sooner!

 

With my perspective on combat, I only hope people can conclude that this fight doesn't necessarily mean Nox will steamroll Jay. Again, combat (at least in this universe) is much more dynamic than:

 

Nox has 6 power

Jay has 3 power

Battle result: Nox defeats Jay by 3.

 

Combat is much more flexible and chaotic than that!

 

TLDR: Jay and Nadia aren't necessarily weak, they just underestimated Xalek and wasted their advantage/element of surprise. Xalek himself is a tough fighter, although he could hold both of them off for a short time, his defeat was inevitable if the battle had remained a mere martial contest.

 

I really enjoyed all the action. You captured Xalek and Nadia well and I look forward to the next chapter. :)

 

Excellent! Although you sadly won't see action like this in the next segment, that segment will have its own appeal (hopefully!). And we'll get to see a different side of being a Dark Lord of the Sith!

Edited by MayhemofChaonus
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Just wanted to reinforce that I have been enjoying the story so far. My question was more an idle musing rather than a criticism. I never really expected Jay to be steamrolled. I only wondered because he and Nadia didn't exactly have the best showing from that battle.

 

I'll be the first to say that I am no professional writer or anything; please feel free to disregard/ignore my comments based on what makes sense to you. :)

 

 

 

But true combat isn't just martial prowess or skill, it is also strategy and psychology. Xalek only managed to escape by theorizing the existence and extent of Jay and Nadia's relationship and then using it against them. Had he tried to defeat them he would have lost swiftly. Also keep in mind that once Nadia appeared Xalek was focused solely on defending himself. All his efforts were being poured solely into that goal.

 

I definitely agree with your points here; battle is definitely more than who is stronger physically or in the Force. But if your intent was to show that Xalek was in real and true danger, or that he was totally outmatched and outclassed, I'm not sure that entirely came across. Reading Xalek's thoughts and actions, it didn't seem like he felt any concern of defeat. He acknowledges his opponents are strong, but he still seemed rather confident - he was constantly analyzing the ebb and flow of the battle to seize the advantage. That's not something that can be easily done if he's under pressure, but he accomplishes it seemingly with ease against two opponents at once.

 

Notice also, that the time Xalek spent fighting Jay, the Jedi Master was merely batting away his attacks like they were nothing. Xalek was pouring everything he could into overwhelming Jay, but Jay countered everything he had rather easily, showing not even a hint of tiring. Jay was only attempting to distract and engross Xalek so Nadia could swipe the holocron. Had Jay actually attempted to defeat or kill Xalek the fight would been (boringly) over much sooner!

 

This leads to the second reason why it seemed to me like Xalek was more than a match for both Jay-Li and Nadia. While it's true that Jay might have been toying with Xalek, batting away Xalek's attacks, Xalek is the only one that actually lands blows. Jay-Li gets kicked, Nadia gets knocked out and then Xalek brings down the ceiling on them. Xalek is exhausted from fighting them both, sure, but he's the only one that walks away unscathed.

 

TLDR: Jay and Nadia aren't necessarily weak, they just underestimated Xalek and wasted their advantage/element of surprise. Xalek himself is a tough fighter, although he could hold both of them off for a short time, his defeat was inevitable if the battle had remained a mere martial contest.

 

To be clear, I never said I thought Jay or Nadia were weak ... just that Xalek seemed more than a match for them.

 

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Just wanted to reinforce that I have been enjoying the story so far. My question was more an idle musing rather than a criticism. I never really expected Jay to be steamrolled. I only wondered because he and Nadia didn't exactly have the best showing from that battle.

 

I'll be the first to say that I am no professional writer or anything; please feel free to disregard/ignore my comments based on what makes sense to you. :)

 

 

 

 

 

I definitely agree with your points here; battle is definitely more than who is stronger physically or in the Force. But if your intent was to show that Xalek was in real and true danger, or that he was totally outmatched and outclassed, I'm not sure that entirely came across. Reading Xalek's thoughts and actions, it didn't seem like he felt any concern of defeat. He acknowledges his opponents are strong, but he still seemed rather confident - he was constantly analyzing the ebb and flow of the battle to seize the advantage. That's not something that can be easily done if he's under pressure, but he accomplishes it seemingly with ease against two opponents at once.

 

 

 

This leads to the second reason why it seemed to me like Xalek was more than a match for both Jay-Li and Nadia. While it's true that Jay might have been toying with Xalek, batting away Xalek's attacks, Xalek is the only one that actually lands blows. Jay-Li gets kicked, Nadia gets knocked out and then Xalek brings down the ceiling on them. Xalek is exhausted from fighting them both, sure, but he's the only one that walks away unscathed.

 

 

 

To be clear, I never said I thought Jay or Nadia were weak ... just that Xalek seemed more than a match for them.

 

lol you liar! :p XD

 

False Empire is one of the best fanfiction stories I've read in a good long while! You sir, are an adept of your craft!

 

I'm glad you don't think Jay and Nadia come across as weak. At least Jay, if not both of them, will be around for a good long while so the last thing I need as a writer is a weak antagonist for my main character! :$

 

1. Xalek not being outmatched. You make some very good points here. I briefly considered staying in Jay's perspective for the fight, but I really wanted to give Xalek some time in the spotlight. Jay will be sticking around for a good long while, and I will have plenty of time to develop him as a character and to showcase his combat skills. Xalek on the other hand, won't be around for as long as Jay will. It's inevitable as he is merely a secondary character, but he will not be around for all 3 books. Because of this I decided that the first saber fight should be from Xalek's perspective, and that the bloodthirsty apprentice should have his 15 minutes of fame first.

 

I know this likely didn't come across(but I'm sure as we see Jay fight more throughout the story it will dawn on people), but Jay and Nadia weren't actually giving it everything they had. Their primary goal was to secure the holocron. Capturing or even defeating Xalek was only a secondary concern. This more because he was their best link to the intangible threat that they had, rather than typical Jedi mercy.

 

2. Xalek not being concerned about defeat? lol I honestly hate to be "that author" but chalk this one up to typical Sith/bad guy arrogance. Xalek, while powerful in his own right, wasn't nearly on the same level as Jay(again we'll see this proved as we see Jay do some more all-in fighting later in the book). Nadia he could likely beat on his own, but Jay alone or Jay + Nadia (provided both are actively trying to kill/defeat him) would, nine times out of ten, be too much for him. Still, like any good Sith he remains completely, willfully ignorant of the true depths of his opponents power.

 

3. Xalek easily handling two opponents at once. This is a fair point, but I would call your attention to the Sith who has been the source of much of my inspiration for Xalek: Darth Maul. Darth Maul, as we saw in EU fiction and especially TPM, was rather easily able to handle two opponents at once: Jedi Master Qui-Gon and his powerful Padawan Obi-Wan(interesting parallel there don't you think? lol). This isn't so much because Maul was more powerful than the two of them combined, but that he was incredibly skilled and highly trained in lightsaber combat (from birth as we all know) and was even trained specifically to fight multiple opponents at once. A similar thing has taken place for Xalek. Nox has trained him to be an expert saberist and master of lightsaber combat, but has refrained from teaching him great secrets of the Dark Side and all of the ways of the Sith. When you combine that with the fact that Jay and Nadia aren't trying their hardest to defeat or kill him, you get the fight we see here in this chapter. A quick, fun, simplistic fight that is (essentially) me stretching my wings and learning how to fly. The fights will get better, I'm sure of it!

 

4. Xalek being the only one to land blows. True, this is a seemingly questionable fact. Reality is though, if either Jay or Nadia landed a blow on him it likely would have ended the fight right then and there (lost limb maybe ;):p). Their end goal was to tire him out to the point where he was so weak that they could leisurely disarm and disable him. That way they could secure the holocron without being forced to kill or maim him.

 

Now that I think about it though, it might well have been a decent idea to have Xalek be maimed or damaged by this fight in some way...it would certainly give him a much stronger motivation(not that he needs it lol) when facing Jay or Nadia in the future.

 

You've given me much to consider here. Thank you very much! Your feedback will not go to waste, I promise!

Edited by MayhemofChaonus
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Haha, thank you for your kind words about my story. There are definitely areas that I am still working to improve upon too though.

 

I'm glad you found some of my suggestions thought-provoking. I think you made some excellent points as well about Xalek's sith arrogance. And I'm looking forward to see what happens next with Nox and Jay!

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