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Just for Fun (Parody: a letter of complaint about Bioware)

STAR WARS: The Old Republic > English > Community Content
Just for Fun (Parody: a letter of complaint about Bioware)

Sworn's Avatar


Sworn
12.14.2011 , 03:28 PM | #1
Disclaimer: The following is (would have been) a troll post.

Quote:
I'm not an activist, and I'm not a cynic. I'm just a person who wants to seek some structure in which the cacophony introduced by Bioware's denunciations might be systematized, reconciled, and made rational. But first, let me pose you a question: Is Bioware actually concerned about any of us or does it just want to understate the negative impact of totalitarianism? After reading this letter, you'll obviously find it's the latter. The really interesting thing about all this is not that it scares the bejeezus out of me to know that Bioware might cause pain and injury to those who don't deserve it sooner or later. The interesting thing is that it claims that it should convince people that their peers are already riding the Bioware bandwagon and will think ill of them if they don't climb aboard, too, because "it's the right thing to do". Whether that's true or not, its evidence is corrupted by a vast amount of nonsense and outright fraud. Before we can further discuss Bioware's claim we must acknowledge that Bioware has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. It can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches Bioware's nostrils, it'll start talking about the joy of alcoholism and how advertising is the most veridical form of human communication. As you listen to Bioware's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice its hand as it goes into your pocket. Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that it would be charitable of me not to mention that its only motivation is an unsavory attachment to wealth and power. Fortunately, I am not beset by a spirit of false charity so I will instead maintain that if it bites me I will undoubtedly bite back.

Bioware asserts that without its superior guidance, we will go nowhere. Most reasonable people, however, recognize such assertions as nothing more than baseless, if wishful, claims unsupported by concrete evidence. If society were a beer bottle—something, I believe, that Bioware holds in high regard—it would indeed be the nauseating bit at the bottom that only the homeless like to drink. It's irrelevant that my allegations are 100% true. Bioware distrusts my information and arguments and will forever maintain its current opinions. If we are powerless to solve the problems that are important to most people, it is because we have allowed Bioware to force us to do things or take stands against our will. Given the destructiveness of Bioware's crass memoirs, I propose that we implement a long-range survival plan. For starters, this plan should acknowledge that Bioware would have us believe that its sniffish lynch mob is a respected civil-rights organization. Not surprisingly, its evidence for that totally power-hungry claim is top-heavy with anonymous sources and, to put it mildly, it has a checkered track record for accuracy. I insist it would be more accurate for Bioware to say that in order to reach out to the poor, the marginalized, and those unfortunate enough to have been labeled as purblind by Bioware's propaganda machine we must analyze its zingers in the manner of sociological studies of mass communication and persuasion. And that's just the first step. Remember, you should never forget the three most important facets of Bioware's mottos, namely their batty origins, their internal contradictions, and their tendentious nature.

You might think this is all pretty funny now, but I doubt I'll hear you laughing if, in a matter of days, Bioware is successfully able to change this country's moral infrastructure. However much Bioware may deny it, a bunch of cold-blooded, self-centered hooligans have recently been accused of issuing a flood of bogus legal documents. Bioware's fingerprints are all over that operation. Even if it turns out that it is not ultimately responsible for instigating it, the sheer amount of its involvement demands answers. For instance, why does Bioware have to be such a party pooper? This can be answered most easily by stating that it has frequently been spotted making nicey-nice with dotty, sententious choleric-types. Is this because it needs their help to repeat the mistakes of the past? You see, its stratagems have nothing to do with freedom and honor but everything to do with Maoism. It may mean well, but it craves adulation and attendance. In reaching that conclusion I have made the usual assumption that Bioware sees no reason why it shouldn't make incorrect leaps of logic. It is only through an enlightened, outraged citizenry that such moral turpitude, corruption, and degradation of the law can be brought to a halt. So, let me enlighten and outrage you by stating that now that I've been exposed to Bioware's put-downs I must admit that I don't completely understand them. Perhaps I need to get out more. Or perhaps Bioware claims that principles don't matter. Predictably, it cites no hard data for that claim. This is because no such data exist.

Bioware should be regarded as a bêete noire. Be patient; I won't ask you to take that on faith. Rather, I'll provide irrefragable proof that there are two related questions in this matter. The first is to what extent Bioware has tried to declare a national emergency, round up everyone who disagrees with it, and put them in concentration camps. The other is whether or not it seems clear that Bioware's incessant jactancy is really getting on my nerves. But we ought to look at the matter in a broader framework before we draw final conclusions on the subject: We see that Bioware unequivocally intends to inflict more death and destruction than Genghis Khan's hordes. The direful sequence of that result, so flagrantly venal and vile in itself, is that unruly pillocks will condone universal oppression in the immediate years ahead.

Bioware used to be a major proponent of narcissism. Nowadays, it's putting all of its support behind ageism. As they say, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. The worst types of incomprehensible drongos there are are like putty in Bioware's hands. It effortlessly molds them into loyal supporters who don't think twice about substituting breast-beating and schwarmerei for action and honest debate. I fear that, over time, Bioware's views will be seen as uncontested fact because many people are afraid to make efforts directed towards broad, long-term social change. In closing, although this letter has been lengthy there are still a large number of comments about Bioware that I have had to leave aside. I didn't even begin to mention, for instance, that Bioware is apt to respond to this letter in the same emotional way that a devout Christian in the 15th century might have responded to someone who announced publicly that he didn't believe in the virgin birth. Anyway, the important point is that Bioware is consistently inconsistent.
I was tempted to post the above last night during all the fuss, but realzied that it would have been in poor taste. I'd neither want to give a mod a headache nor add to the aggravation of those already stressed over early access.

Still though, glad I remembered this site in the end: http://www.pakin.org/complaint/ So many fun times on less reputable boards back in the day just putting together 5 paragraphs of pure nonsense to point out how trivial some "problems" folks were having really are. Anyway, was mainly sharing in hopes that a few of you might get a kick out of it. Would have been curious to see how folks would have responded last night, but I'll just have to daydream about it in favor of being less of a jerk than I already am.

ThreeToedSloth's Avatar


ThreeToedSloth
12.14.2011 , 04:03 PM | #2
I'll do you one better, this is the finest piece of nerd rage I have ever had the pleasure to come across. It was posted to the general last night an was immediately deleted. I was lucky enough to preserve it in NotePad....

Quote:
It's not based on the date you bought the game, it's based on segregative bias. They are purposely releasing people staggered so their specially selected friends can get personal invites the first day and level their guilds up first, and leveling their crafting up first, and ruin our ability to make money on the auction house efficiently. They will already have more pvP points, more money, already flooded the AH with crafting supplies and crafted goods. They'll already have their mounts, they'll already have played plenty of days ahead so they will be over level 20 already. We can't even get the names we want because they get to make their ALTS first. I truly believe their soul purpose is to secretly, with conciousness of guilt,

There is absolutely NO reason why ANYBODY should have to wait an extended period of time when they can just as easily have a server que wait time for anybody that has their pre-load code already registered to FAIRLY and EQUALLY serve ALL PAYING CUSTOMERS.

I truly believe their soul purpose is to secretly (with conciousness of guilt) allow personally selected clients/customers to play the game WITH PRIORITY over the rest of legitimate paying customers who have just as much right to que to log into the servers as long as they registered their pre-load key, and you went back on it and CHANGED the way we get in. SOMEBODY OPEN CLASS SUIT FOR ALL CUSTOMERS!!!! if they keep the server ques clear they can login and logout all day long for as many days as they choose and level up as many alts as they want with discretion, and this is the OFFICIAL GAME TIME, NOT BETA!, THIS IS CHARACTER PROGRESSION, LEGAL EARLY RELEASE. BASICALLY EARLY LAUNCH SECURITY FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO START LEGIT AND FAIR WITH EVERYBODY ELSE!! QUE UP AND WAIT FOR 8 HOURS AND RIFT STILL WINS!! THIS IS BS!!!! U CHEATING LYING THIEVES!!! I WANT TO SUE U TO BE REQUIRED TO RELAUNCH EVERYBODY TO START AT THE SAME TIME!!! THE SAME TIME!! START ATT THE SAME TIME!!! IS THE POINT! DONT DISTRACT OR CHANGE THE SUBJECT! START AT THE SAME TIME!

what would blizzard think? would this fit into their rediculously long disclaimer? because i think they release their game at the SAME TIME on purpose, instead of PERSONALLY CREATE CHARACTERS AND TRY TO GET A HEAD START LEVELING WITH OTHER BETA TEST GUILDIES THAT YOU ALLOW ACCESS SO THAT WAY YOU CAN FREELY MAKE ALTS AND AVOID SERVER QUE TIMES LOGGING IN AND LOGGING OUT DOING PUBLICATIONS AND STILL PLAYING THE GAME ILLEGALLY BEFORE US!!!! The point of EARLY ACCESS IS TO ENSURE WE WILL ALL GET TO PLAY AT THE SAME TIME EQUALLY TOGETHER!! NOT TO SEGREGATE AND RUIN IT AND THEN LIE AND MAKE IT UP THAT EARLY ACCESS IS JUST TO PRETEND THAT ITS OKAY ALL YOUR COMPETITIVE GUILDS GET TO STEAL THE AUCTION HOUSE AND TOON NAMES, AS WELL AS MOST PVP HONOR AND BEST GEAR AND HIGHEST LEVEL.

You also intend to personally plot out how to bring in a random amount of players to avoid all scrutiny and pretend you didnt personally let people in. To discriminate while publicly manipulating your media to LIE TO US THAT YOU INTEND TO PERSONALLY SELECT PEOPLE TO GET A LEGAL START ON THEIR CHARACTERS PROGRESSION AND TIME PUT INTO IT BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE!! THATS ILLEGAL AND YOU KNOW IT!

que 8 hours in Rift and you fail, sad... 4am get up on westcoast, we stay all night, i should have pizza and beer and a level 20 playing space ships for the first time cause i didnt get to play in more than 1 beta when i ordered in august. I waited 3 years and your website cant even change a birth date to be eligible for beta testing. YOU SO DISCRIMINATE AND SEGREGATE! YOU LIE RIGHT TO MY FACE IN THIS VERY BOARD IN RESPONSE! U WILL PLAY IT TILL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO PLAY AND IM NAKED SCREAMING WHERE IS MY GAME!!! I DONT WANT MY MONEY!! I WANT M"Y *********** GAME!! AND I WANT IT NOW! I WANT TO BEAT YOU AT IT, YOUR LITTLE BETA TEST BUDDIES AT IT, YOUR JOURNALISTS AND COMPANY BUDDIES! YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY, YOUR CELEBS!

I wonder how long i'll have to wait for your first 80$ expansion? will you all get to go first again and you can strategically state that its "up to 7 days" that way you have such a long time you can MAKE SURE you get level cap and even farm some epics with ALL THE CRAFTING PATTERNS already in your possession? cause if we arent going to start at the same time, you might as well just cancel your pre-order and wait for release, but then again, since you lied in your advertising and it's a 7 day long PRE-RELEASE for all of you, PREVIOUSLY TO THE REST OF US. that if we WERE to cancel and just START LAST ANYWAYS, then you'd already be LEVEL CAP 7 DAYS LATER AND YOU KNOW THAT!! YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH TO REALIZE HOW SMART YOUR GAMER GEEKS ARE! YOUR STRATEGICALLY PLOT OUT EVERY STEP OF YOUR MARKETING AND THEN YOU STAB US IN THE BACK AFTER ALL THE LOYALTY ALL THE WAITS ALL THE PRICES NO INFO ON CLASSE OR TALENT TREES! NO EARLY BETA ACCESS NO SPECIAL TREATMENT AND THEN YOU SAY WE CANT EVEN PLAY WITH YOU FAIRLY WHEN WE ALREADY GAVE YOU THE MONEY!?!!?!?!?

and the audacity to purposely LIE about it to market as if there is a simple way of pre-ordering, get your key, then log into the server que on the release date & time but instead, WE;re all out 150-230$ cause im sure that some where in legal land of doing whats right, a "Collector's Edition" is meant to COLLECTOR, NOT PLAY!! so maybe somebody spend 150$ on your game for collection, and then 80$ on your deluxe digital to ensure their early access, and you STILL JIP THEM and say they have to WAIT to play???

Not a single lawyer in all of the world is playing swtor??? not a single one of them thinks they should make some money today if they can get a case accepted into court????

SERIOUSLY??? NOBODY GOING TO COURT!! GET MILLIONS

you are rediculous if you dont...
I found the ascents of paranoia, illiteracy and classical insanity in this piece delightful.

BioWare, I understand if you must remove this, however from an anthropological stand point to, its art
SWG refugee squatter

Helbracht's Avatar


Helbracht
12.14.2011 , 04:12 PM | #3
That made my day.

Budwise's Avatar


Budwise
12.14.2011 , 04:50 PM | #4
Love it
Love it
The wait for access has been enriched by being able to read rants and raves
There's nothing quite like being able to listen to people throwing their toys out of prams