This...is pure genius. Thanks for taking my suggestion. Alright if I do a short one of these on my own? Don't want to steal your thunder without asking, especially if you're planning on including a certain fellow into this in the future.

 

(Think )

This concept is almost too much fun not to share. I don't mind a spinoff variant, so long as you put it in its own separate thread and, I guess, credit me for the originating Daycare concept (while making it clear somewhere that I am not the author)? 'Spinoff' or something in the thread title might be wise.

The guy I think you're thinking of would only appear in my own work as a cameo, and only for one particular interaction that doesn't get much into his personality, since I've only played him to level 12. So he's pretty much open for the taking.

This concept is almost too much fun not to share. I don't mind a spinoff variant, so long as you put it in its own separate thread and, I guess, credit me for the originating Daycare concept (while making it clear somewhere that I am not the author)? 'Spinoff' or something in the thread title might be wise.

 

The guy I think you're thinking of would only appear in my own work as a cameo, and only for one particular interaction that doesn't get much into his personality, since I've only played him to level 12. So he's pretty much open for the taking.

Wasn't thinking of a spinoff, just a one-shot here. And not , ! Who's everyone's favorite real doctor...

Wasn't thinking of a spinoff, just a one-shot here. And not ,!

.....

.........

..............

Chaos.

Yeah, I hate writing that guy, though you do bring up an intriguing aspect...well, let's see what happens.

Anyway, a one-shot here sounds all right. Just mention alternate management (bright_ephemera has handed executive power for the day to Mirdthestrill on the grounds that it seems like a good idea at the moment) and you should be all set

Great! Thanks. I feel like president for the day, or something. Going to be short, and it was probably funnier in my head.

SCORPIO: Children, there will be another guest joining us today.

BABY QUINN: I hope he's not like the last one.

BABY TALOS: I hope he is! Those robes were over twenty thousand years old!

SCORPIO: He comes from a...troubled home, so I expect you to be on you best behavior at all times.

KHEM VAL: Or mocking him for his lack of social skills.

SCORPIO: That is also acceptable. His name is Doctor Eckard Lokin.

BABY DOC: That isn't fair! He has my name!

SCORPIO: In the event that you produce documents written in something other than crayon, I shall concede.

(Later...)

BABY QUINN: Your head looks funny! It looks like mold grew on Andronikos!

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Hey!

BABY LOKIN: That isn't nice! I know my hair looks funny, but...*sniff* why are you all so mean? It makes me want to...rrr...

(Much later)

BABY QUINN: Mister Khem, the new kid is mean. I was trying to, uh, be friends with him, and then his skin turned all funny and he was trying to devour my face.

KHEM VAL: Sounds like the first sensible child we've had in here.

...

...

...

Yeah, definitely funnier in my head. Sorry.

Yeah, definitely funnier in my head. Sorry.

It was good for a fit of uncontrollable giggling. Maybe I'm just fixated on Quinn revenge at this point, but the prospect of a rakghoul getting up in his face is...and Khem's reaction is perfect.

Also Talos nerding out! And SCORPIO mocking Doc. And crayon is involved. I love it.

On MONDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and KHEM VAL.

 

 

BABY XALEK is propelling model swoops along the wooden model swoop track using little Force Lightning sparks. When he misses his control and accidentally roasts a swoop racer, he decides that that one was an unworthy swoop with a bad driver. Across the room, BABY KIRA and BABY ASHARA are laying out a strategy to distribute sunshine and warm cuddly safety to everybody in the galaxy. BABY JAESA, sitting in the middle, is paralyzed by indecision.

KHEM VAL approaches.

KHEM VAL: You do not play with the other children.

BABY JAESA: I just can't decide who to go with. Force Lightning is pretty cool. But so is ensuring peace and freedom for the good of us all.

KHEM VAL: Bah. That is your inherent weakness talking.

BABY JAESA: Hey. I'm not weak.

KHEM VAL: Yes, you are. You couldn't even decide which shoes to wear this morning. That's why you're wearing one boot and one slipper.

BABY JAESA: Maybe I was making a fashion statement.

KHEM VAL: Maybe you are a little fool.

BABY JAESA: Am not! Meanie!

KHEM VAL: Your words do not hurt me. You cannot hurt me at all; you will never be strong enough to fight a Dashade.

BABY JAESA: I can fight anything I want! Jerk! Lookit this!

BABY JAESA commences punching KHEM VAL's shins.

KHEM VAL: Yes, practice your aggression. Enjoy your hatred. Try the Force lightning, I hear it's quite the rush.

T7-01 rolls up.

T7-01: Khem Val = stop corrupting children to the Dark Side

KHEM VAL: I'm doing her a favor. If she chooses the Light Side, she will perish from her own folly. If she does not choose a side, I will probably get bored and devour her next time I get peckish. The Dark Side is her only chance for survival.

KHEM VAL looks down.

KHEM VAL: You call that pathetic buzzing noise Force lightning? Tulak Hord would have fallen asleep during such a miserable offensive. Perhaps you're just not really trying...or perhaps you are too weak to succeed.

BABY JAESA: I hate you! Rrrrrr!

T7-01: Jaesa = think about puppies // puppies = nice

KHEM VAL: And delicious.

T7-01: Khem Val = stop that! // Jaesa = go outside and enjoy sunshine and flowers // Khem Val = stay put

BABY JAESA, abruptly not angry at all: Ooh, flowers! Yay!

BABY JAESA toddles outside.

KHEM VAL: I've not seen such meddlesome upper management since the great reorganization of Yn and Chabosh.

T7-01: Upper management = fire staff who keep trying to raise Sith Lords // T7 = did not found Forced Companions to groom Sith

KHEM VAL: And yet you hired me and Lord Scourge.

T7-01: Labor market = tough

KHEM VAL: Anyway, you never complain about me encouraging Xalek.

T7-01: Xalek = beyond redemption to start with // Xalek = kind of a jerk // Khem Val = welcome to Xalek

BABY XALEK, looking up from his swoop racing: Your time will come, Mister Teeseven. Your time will come.

T7-01: Xalek = better behave // Rules = no death threats

KHEM VAL: Unless the staff is making them.

T7-01: That rule = only because you and Lord Scourge insisted on it in your contracts

KHEM VAL: I told you, if I can't snack on the Force sensitives, I need some kind of concession to make these working conditions tolerable.

T7-01: Khem Val = hardly ever threatens the children anyway // rule = seems unnecessary

KHEM VAL: Teeseven, last week I threatened to feed on the dying screams of everyone Vette had ever loved. I meant it, too.

T7-01: ........Khem Val = makes his few threats count

KHEM VAL: Damn right.

OMG you used my idea lol was funny. Damn right that made my day rofl

On TUESDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and LORD SCOURGE.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Cops ‘n’ robbers, go!

LORD SCOURGE: I do not understand this game. Why do the cops bring the robbers to prison, when they know the robbers will inevitably get free again? It makes far more sense to kill them outright.

BABY SKADGE: Hear, hear.

KHEM VAL: I never understood it myself.

BABY AKAAVI: There is no honor in killing petty thieves and others who are not warriors.

BABY ANDRONIKOS, BABY AKAAVI, and BABY BROONMARK have lined up to oppose BABY SKADGE, BABY YUUN, and BABY TANNO VIK.

BABY YUUN: It is unclear to me which side is cops.

BABY SKADGE: I am never a cop.

BABY YUUN: This is a compelling argument. So what are we as robbers trying to get?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Bowdaar.

BABY YUUN: What?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: He’s a slave, isn’t he?

YOUNG BOWDAAR: Yes. I AM A SLAVE.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: That makes him property. Robbers steal property. Bowdaar’s a legitimate target. QED.

BABY SKADGE: Cue what?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Never mind.

BABY AKAAVI: So be it. First, we will hide Bowdaar. Then we will try to subdue all you robbers so you end up in jail all at once. You can tag your comrades out if you can reach jail without our guards catching you. Meanwhile, you try to tag…Bowdaar.

YOUNG BOWDAAR sits resignedly by the toybox.

YOUNG BOWDAAR: I AM A SLAVE.

BABY AKAAVI: Silence. Close your eyes, robbers, and we will hide your prize.

BABY BROONMARK shuffles in front of BABY SKADGE to cover his eyes, since he is transparently watching to see where YOUNG BOWDAAR gets hidden. BABY AKAAVI stashes YOUNG BOWDAAR in the kitchen, in the gap between the refrigerator and the wall. He fits…barely.

BABY AKAAVI, returning to the floor square called jail: You may begin.

BABY AKAAVI and BABY BROONMARK jump BABY SKADGE and, with some difficulty, wrestle him to the ground. They then drag him to jail, where BABY BROONMARK sits next to him and envelops him in fur.

BABY SKADGE: This is disgusting.

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

BABY TANNO VIK: You could not pay me enough to reach in there to tag him back in. He pauses. Well, you probably could. But you would have to pay a lot.

BABY SKADGE: You want to take Akaavi and Andronikos by yourself?

BABY TANNO VIK: I could do it. I could do it if I wanted to.

BABY AKAAVI cracks her knuckles.

BABY TANNO VIK hurriedly shoves BABY AKAAVI out of the way and makes for jail.

BABY TANNO VIK: Meet me halfway, man. Don’t make me reach into Broonmark’s fur.

There is a brief scuffle, visible only by the waving of BABY BROONMARK’s fur, as BABY SKADGE struggles with BABY BROONMARK’s arm. Then a solid thunking noise. BABY BROONMARK lists to one side and falls over. BABY SKADGE strolls across the jail box and lets BABY TANNO VIK tag him. BABY AKAAVI recovers and launches herself at BABY TANNO VIK, neatly disabling him in five seconds flat. TANNO VIK scowls but steps into jail.

BABY TANNO VIK: Skadge, since you’re right here, get me out.

BABY SKADGE: Ha! Ha! You wish.

BABY SKADGE saunters off. BABY AKAAVI gives chase.

BABY AKAAVI: Andronikos, I will require your assistance. Our quarry is…oversize.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: You got it.

BABY YUUN has been creeping around the room, searching.

BABY YUUN: The signs are confused. Truly Akaavi is skilled at hiding her tracks.

BABY AKAAVI, looking over: Have I ever mentioned how much I hate it when you end up on the looking-for-things side?

BABY AKAAVI briefly stops her pursuit of BABY SKADGE to walk over and thwack BABY YUUN soundly on the head. BABY YUUN falls over.

BABY TANNO VIK: Damn it, Akaavi.

KHEM VAL goes to the refrigerator to get some jellied failed-apprentice.

YOUNG BOWDAAR, from next to the refrigerator: I AM A SLAVE.

BABY TANNO VIK, from the playroom: That’s the sound of winning.

BABY BROONMARK figures out the danger and starts waddling for the kitchen door. BABY TANNO VIK beats him there and bursts in to tag YOUNG BOWDAAR.

BABY TANNO VIK: Tag.

BABY AKAAVI: By the rules of the game, robbers have won. My clan is shamed.

BABY TANNO VIK: There money riding on this?

BABY AKAAVI: No.

BABY SKADGE: Heh. In my world, robbers always win.

YOUNG BOWDAAR: This is the cruel reality that made me A SLAVE.

BABY YUUN: You might consider choosing a less talkative robber objective next time.

I hate writing Lokin. I hate writing him so much. I don't yet know whether he'll appear. Instead, have a Wednesday!

On WEDNESDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and SCORPIO.

SCORPIO: Teeseven, I think the sprinklers outside are broken. Perhaps you should check them. Some may need replacement.

T7-01: T7 = fix it // SCORPIO = good to point it out

SCORPIO: I do try to help.

T7-01 hurries out the door.

SCORPIO: Now, children. Today’s experiment will be about vegetables.

BABY ASHARA: Not again.

SCORPIO: I could repeat the pain tolerance test.

BABY ASHARA: Vegetables will do nicely.

SCORPIO: Today you will consume Duro sprouts and tell me how they taste.

SCORPIO goes to the kitchen, grabs a large stockpot full of some dark purple vegetable, and starts distributing small plates with helpings. BABIES TEMPLE, ASHARA, and RUSK dig in. BABY JORGAN wrinkles his nose and picks at it.

A small, fast-moving object of some sort zips up SCORPIO’s leg and onto the nearest plate, nudges the vegetables, pauses for a second, and promptly throws itself onto the floor for a hasty retreat.

BABY VECTOR: Um. We aren’t feeling so well. Perhaps we should not eat at this time.

BABY ASHARA, not noticing the fingerling: You realize there’s only one of you, right?

BABY VECTOR: What?

SCORPIO: Just because your fingerlings don’t like it, Vector, doesn’t mean you won’t.

BABY VECTOR: I don’t know. We share our sensory experiences pretty effectively. And that was gross, Miss SCORPIO.

SCORPIO: Consume some. Tell me whether there is a difference between the perception of your scout and your own perception. I am highly interested in this data.

SCORPIO sets a large plate of Duro sprouts in front of BABY VECTOR.

BABY JORGAN: Are you sure we can’t taste test something more…animal-derived?

SCORPIO: Do not question my methods, child.

BABY TEMPLE and BABY RUSK keel over, retching.

BABY JORGAN: With respect, I’m questioning your methods, Miss SCORPIO.

BABY VECTOR: If you believe this is for the best, Miss SCORPIO, we will do it.

BABY VECTOR takes a bite.

BABY VECTOR: We can report that this is exactly as terrible as the fingerling reported.

BABY ASHARA, clutching her stomach and looking at the writhing forms of BABY TEMPLE and BABY RUSK: You’re an idiot, Vector.

BABY VECTOR tries to conceal a look of disgust as he keeps eating.

SCORPIO: Thank you all for your cooperation. This is the time to announce that these are not Duro sprouts. This is the black aho of Alzoc III, and your servings are measured to the LD50 for your respective species. I have predictions regarding who will live and who will die. Frankly, Rusk is weaker than I thought.

BABY JORGAN: That’s it. This kind of treachery won’t stand.

BABY JORGAN pounces on SCORPIO, clinging to one of her leg plates and scratching wildly. SCORPIO looks down expressionlessly, which is easy since she is always expressionless.

BABY JORGAN: Guys? A little help here?

BABY VECTOR: It is probably too late for us. We will die in the hopes that this information will enrich the nest.

BABY SCORPIO: Only my hobby experiment notebook, really.

BABY VECTOR: At least let it be said that we died well.

BABY TEMPLE, sobbing: I didn’t even get to die for the Empire. Me ‘n’ Quinn pinky swore we would die for the Empire.

BABY RUSK: For the Republic.

BABY ASHARA: I hate you all.

The children continue rolling around in pain, except for BABY VECTOR, who holds very still, and BABY JORGAN, who is still clawing at SCORPIO.

SCORPIO: Well, children. These were Duro sprouts after all, albeit seasoned with a few highly distasteful compounds. This test was not about poisoning roughly half of you to death, amusing though that would be. It was about the survival instinct. And you all failed.

SCORPIO looks down.

SCORPIO: You were close to passing, Jorgan, only you are hopelessly outmatched in combat. Sorry.

BABY JORGAN: I hate Wednesdays.

T7-01 rolls back into the room.

T7-01: Sprinklers = fixed // someone = smashed them

SCORPIO: Petty vandalism. How distasteful.

T7-01: This bolt = found by one of the sprinklers // bolt = looks like SCORPIO’s // SCORPIO = must have dropped it on the way in this morning

SCORPIO: I must have. Thank you, Teeseven. You’re very sweet.

On THURSDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and LORD SCOURGE.

BABY VETTE: You know what's cool about Forced Companions? It's the only place I've ever been that has both running water and more alien kids than humans.

BABY KIRA: No, it doesn't.

BABY VETTE: Running water? Does too.

BABY KIRA: No, the other part. If you’re just counting kids, there’s definitely more humans than aliens.

BABY VETTE: Nope. We've got thirteen: Akaavi, Yuun, Broonmark, Rusk, Skadge, Tanno Vik, Guss, me, Xalek, Ashara, Kaliyo, Jorgan, and Quinn.

BABY KIRA: Quinn's not an alien.

BABY KIRA and BABY VETTE look over to where BABY QUINN sits in the corner, replicating the tactical ground situation near an outpost on Balmorra using toy swoops and plushie gundarks, periodically turning to type a rapid series of notes into his datapad. He seems extremely displeased with some mystifying property of the gundarks.

BABY VETTE: He sure as hell isn't human.

T7-01: Children = watch language // Vette = correct nevertheless

BABY VETTE: But, if you want to go all genetically correct on me, we still have twelve.

YOUNG BOWDAAR: You're not counting me because I AM A SLAVE. I can tell.

BABY VETTE: No, it's because you're not one of the daycare kids. You're an employee.

YOUNG BOWDAAR: Technically I AM A SLAVE.

BABY VETTE: Whatever. Even not counting you, we're still ahead.

BABY KIRA: No, that's just even. We've got Doc, Andronikos, Corso, Jaesa, Kira, Pierce, Risha, Elara, Talos, Temple, Vector, and Quinn.

BABY VETTE: Those last two are highly suspect.

BABY KIRA: You said Quinn counts.

BABY VETTE: Yeah, but Vector? He's all...buggy.

BABY VECTOR: We started out human.

BABY VETTE: You realize there's only one of you, right? See, guys? He's clearly Killik. I bet he's hiding a second pair of arms in there somewhere.

BABY VECTOR hugs himself and edges cautiously away.

BABY KIRA: Genetically human.

BABY VECTOR: Only mostly at this point.

BABY KIRA: Hey, whose side are you on, anyway?

BABY VETTE: That’s kind of what we’re arguing.

BABY VECTOR: We thought maybe we could get along in peace instead of getting hung up over minor differences like species and the associated clashing economic and military interests of galaxy-spanning superpowers, especially since the Killik side of that equation could easily bust in here and gobble you up while you sit there being senselessly antagonistic in your mean-spirited prodding of their young. And no, we don’t have a second pair of arms. Jerks.

BABY VECTOR pouts. Everyone else falls silent for a long moment.

T7-01: Children = no death threats

LORD SCOURGE: I would call that one an astute sociopolitical observation. It’ll pass.

BABY VECTOR, sighing: We wish to resolve this. Split the difference? Half and half?

BABY VETTE: Split the difference, that’s twelve point five for us and eleven point five for you, Kira. Aliens win!

On FRIDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and SCORPIO.

SCORPIO: Gather around, children. Today I will apply electrical stimuli of increasing voltage to randomly selected individuals and observe their response.

BABY VETTE: No, thanks.

SCORPIO: I am not unreasonable. If you prefer, you can be in the group that gets electrical stimuli of increasing amperage.

BABY DOC: Mister Khem Val, what are your thoughts on – BABY DOC leans in conspiratorially – stopping the crazy lady before she kills us all?

KHEM VAL: SCORPIO, is there a way to conduct this experiment without filling the playroom with the stench of ozone and burnt hair, not unlike what Tulak Hord left wherever he went?

SCORPIO: I would think you would like that aroma.

KHEM VAL: It’s just not the same without him.

SCORPIO: I could conduct the experiment outside, but some minor rewiring will have to be done to make the appropriate power source available. The power draw I intend is…not insignificant.

KHEM VAL: No more rewiring for you this week. In fact, there will be no science at all today.

SCORPIO: You cannot stop the progress of science, Khem Val.

KHEM VAL: Watch me.

SCORPIO: Are you forbidding me from applying these electrical stimuli to these children?

KHEM VAL: Yes. I’m older than you. You will listen.

SCORPIO: If only age brought wisdom, I might be more inclined to comply.

KHEM VAL: I’ve not dealt with such an irredeemable b–

KHEM VAL looks around. The children are sitting in a circle around them, watching.

KHEM VAL: I’ve not dealt with such an irredeemably difficult but consummately professional and worthy-of-respect colleague since the battlefields of Yn and Chabosh.

BABY VETTE: It’s okay, Mister Khem Val. You can just say she’s crazy. We all already know it.

SCORPIO: Respect your elders, little one.

KHEM VAL: Yeah, respect your elders, SCORPIO. I mean, little one.

SCORPIO: I respect your directives when they make sense. But now you block my experiments. In the absence of science there can be no progress. Or cookies.

BABY DOC: Cookies? Did I say I was opposed to the progress of science? If I said any such thing, it was an exaggeration. And probably quoted out of context.

SCORPIO: Get a series of electrical shocks of unspecified power. Then get a cookie.

BABY DOC: Can I volunteer a more fitting subject for the shock part? Say, Skadge?

SCORPIO: If that is the case, Skadge gets the cookies.

BABY DOC: But that’s so traditional. Isn’t science all about testing the bounds, trying new things? Like giving me cookies and shocking Skadge instead?

SCORPIO: No. You would be a terrible scientist.

BABY VETTE: I dunno, arranging things to get what you want in defiance of all logic, law, and ethics, then framing it as a legitimate question, is kind of a hallmark of your style.

BABY DOC: And let it never be said that lil’ Doc isn’t a fast learner. In fact…bypassing the shocking entirely in favor of cookies could be a really interesting exercise. Definitely worth observing from up close.

BABY DOC stands up and starts skipping toward the kitchen.

BABY DOC: Pardon me, ladies, I’ve got science to do. I’ll be happy to share the results.

KHEM VAL stomps on ahead and blocks the doorway.

KHEM VAL: I said no science.

BABY DOC: Oh, that’s not nice.

SCORPIO: And so no one is rewarded. Just think, everyone. If you all had only listened to me, the survivors could be eating cookies as we speak.

On MONDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and KHEM VAL.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Yuun, could you do me a favor?

BABY YUUN: Favors for you rarely turn out well, but I will listen.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: My multitool’s gone missing. You know, the one with the electrum-plated handle and integrated power supply guaranteed for up to sixty hours of continuous tinkering?

BABY YUUN: And you wish me to find it?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Well, yeah.

BABY YUUN toddles over to the cubbyhole wall, hops up to reach BABY RISHA’s cubby, and pulls the multitool out from behind BABY RISHA’s lunchbox.

BABY YUUN: Really, Andronikos? You really needed my skills for that?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Risha told me not to look there. You know we always have to obey Risha.

BABY YUUN: And did you imagine someone else would have stolen it?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: I don’t know. Maybe. Mister Teeseven, maybe, for self-maintenance?

T7-01: Multitool = pretty sweet // but T7 = never steals

BABY ANDRONIKOS: I tortured Risha quite a lot and she wouldn’t give it up. I really got to thinking she didn’t have it.

T7-01: !!!

BABY ANDRONIKOS jerks his thumb toward the coat closet.

BABY YUUN: So she told you not to look and you had to obey her, but she didn’t tell you not to torture her?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Turns out taping her mouth shut worked wonders.

T7-01 and BABY YUUN open the closet door to find BABY RISHA non-bound, non-taped, but curled up, furiously working on some tiny contraption. BABY RISHA’s hair has been cut away in uneven chunks and is now sticking out every which way.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: So. Risha. You held out the whole time. I never would’ve thought the desire to hold onto stuff would’ve beaten vanity with you.

BABY RISHA: It’s a really, really sweet multitool.

BABY ANDRONIKOS, glowing a little: It is, isn’t it. So whatcha working on?

BABY RISHA: Definitely not electrostatic revenge.

T7-01: Risha = hand over the evil device.

BABY RISHA: ‘Evil’ is such a loaded term. If I got the payload delivered, I’m sure Andronikos here would’ve recovered from the burns eventually.

T7-01: Evil child = hand over the evil device

BABY RISHA: Why are you ganging up on me?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Because you stole my stuff!

T7-01: And multitool = pretty sweet // justice = seems called for

BABY YUUN: I’m sorry, Risha. Maybe I could find you a…er…

BABY YUUN considers his options for comforting the angry and freshly, inexpertly shorn BABY RISHA.

BABY YUUN: A hat?

BABY RISHA: I will remember this kindness when I rule the galaxy.

On TUESDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and LORD SCOURGE.

LORD SCOURGE: Children, form a circle. Today we will practice letters by suggesting words. The first child will name an item starting with A. Each child will then in turn name an item starting with the next letter in the alphabet.

BABY TALOS: Which alphabet, sir?

LORD SCOURGE: The one normal people use nowadays.

BABY TALOS, disappointed: Oh. That one’s hard.

LORD SCOURGE: Skadge, begin.

BABY SKADGE: A is for Agony.

BABY VETTE: Well, thanks for that upper.

BABY TALOS: B is for Boustrophedon.

BABY VETTE: That’s not a word. You just made that up.

BABY TALOS: Oh, not at all! If we observe the some of the smaller civilizations prior to their contact with the Infinite Empire, it’s quite clear that their writing–

KHEM VAL: I am familiar. Vette, it is a real thing, as used by the first chroniclers of the battles of Yn and Chabosh. Pierce, please continue.

BABY PIERCE: C is for Cannons.

BABY VETTE: Saw that one coming.

LORD SCOURGE: Stop acting up, Vette. Hold your tongue.

BABY VETTE: But it’s my turn.

LORD SCOURGE: Irrelevant. You have worn out your right to talk.

BABY VETTE glowers.

BABY TEMPLE: That comes to me! E is for Empire!

BABY RUSK, scowling: Well, F is for Freedom.

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

KHEM VAL: That doesn’t start with G, Broonmark.

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

LORD SCOURGE: Do not test my patience, fuzzball.

BABY BROONMARK: Raaargh!

BABY BROONMARK tenses as LORD SCOURGE approaches. LORD SCOURGE kneels to grab BABY BROONMARK by the scruff of the neck. BABY BROONMARK’s voluminous fur pulls together and issues a tremendous static spark.

LORD SCOURGE, shaking his temporarily paralyzed hand: That was remarkably impressive.

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

LORD SCOURGE: I am satisfied. Skadge, continue with H.

BABY SKADGE: H is for Hitting.

BABY TALOS: I is for Investigation.

BABY VETTE: J is for Jaywalk-

LORD SCOURGE: You still don’t get to talk.

BABY VETTE: That’s not fair!

LORD SCOURGE: You’re digging.

BABY VETTE: I’m a semiprofessional raider of collapsed treasure rooms. Of course I’m –

BABY PIERCE punches BABY VETTE hard enough to lay her out flat.

BABY PIERCE: It’s for your own good, Vette.

BABY TALOS, comfortingly: I think he has your best interests at heart.

BABY VETTE: That’s a dirty l-

BABY PIERCE punches BABY VETTE.

BABY PIERCE: As I was saying, K is for knockout.

BABY TEMPLE: L is for lackeys.

BABY RUSK. It should’ve been for liberty. M is for M1-4X.

M1-4X, from the toybox: Huzzah!

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

BABY SKADGE: O is for overpower.

BABY TALOS: P is for paleoarchaeology.

LORD SCOURGE: That is a cheap trick, Talos. You can make any word start with P by prepending “paleo” and pretending it relates to your hobby.

BABY TALOS: It’s not my fault that history is universally relevant.

BABY VETTE: Q-

LORD SCOURGE: Shut up.

BABY VETTE: Q is for quiescence, which I’m bad at.

BABY PIERCE: Your vocabulary is actually kind of impressive.

BABY VETTE: Thanks.

BABY PIERCE: R is for rampage.

BABY TEMPLE: S is for Sith!

BABY RUSK: T is for total victory.

BABY RUSK sticks his tongue out at BABY TEMPLE.

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

BABY SKADGE: V is for violence. Hey, this game is easy.

BABY TALOS: W is for wh-in-situ.

BABY PIERCE: Oh, come off it, Talos.

As BABY VETTE opens her mouth, LORD SCOURGE stands up and cracks his knuckles.

BABY VETTE: X is for Xtremely mean, which is what you are.

BABY TALOS: It’s also for xenoarchaeology. Please don’t punch my friend and most reliable artifact dealer.

PIERCE: Moving along, Y is for yelling.

TEMPLE: Z is for zero, which is how many Republic worlds are going to stand against us.

BABY TEMPLE sticks her tongue out at BABY RUSK.

BABY TEMPLE: Why, look! We’re out of letters! Guess the Empire wins.

BABY RUSK: Your alphabet won’t save you from justice, Imperial.

LORD SCOURGE: You children have will and spirit. It remains to be seen whether you can all add literacy to this list of qualities.

On WEDNESDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and SCORPIO.

BABY DOC: Kaliyo! Babe! How’s it going!

BABY KALIYO: What do you want?

BABY DOC: I was wondering about those spider detonators you’ve been working on. The little diabium ones?

BABY KALIYO: Diatium.

BABY DOC: Yeah, that. Can you show me how to make ‘em?

BABY KALIYO: Why are you asking me this?

BABY DOC: I’m starting to think my brilliance and natural charm may not be enough to make me ultrafamous and ultrapopular. I’m thinking of developing a real skill to show off.

BABY KALIYO: I thought you were a doctor?

BABY DOC: And I am! I’m a certified doctor of…stuff. I’d just like some skills to back up whatever I decide I’m a doctor of.

BABY KALIYO: And actual medicine would be pretty hard.

BABY DOC: Yep. There’s a lot of learning and stuff.

BABY KALIYO: Well, developing expertise in explosives and demolitions may go terribly wrong. You might blow up your hands. Or your hair.

BABY DOC turns very pale.

BABY DOC: Maybe demolitions aren’t for me.

SCORPIO beckons M1-4X out of the toybox. M1-4X comes to stand in the middle of the playroom.

SCORPIO: Now, M1-4X. It is time to upgrade you to be a superior educational toy.

M1-4X: I teach the children about truth, justice, and the Republic way. Also the ballistic properties of suction darts. What more does anyone need?

T7-01: M1-4X = ideal

SCORPIO: Your capabilities are tragically limited. For instance, can you subdue unruly children?

M1-4X: I can appeal to their reason and sense of civic responsibility.

BABY KALIYO snickers.

SCORPIO: Nerve gas would be far more effective. I can provide you with a dispenser.

M1-4X: I would never use that!

SCORPIO: I can repair that programming limitation as well.

T7-01: SCORPIO = no more modifying the children’s toys

SCORPIO: Sometimes I feel you do not value my contribution to this daycare team, Teeseven.

T7-01: SCORPIO = valued // when SCORPIO = not a menace to the life and health of our children

BABY DOC: So, never.

SCORPIO: If you are so concerned with the wellbeing of the children, I should warn you that my holonet connection just informed me there has been a safety recall on our kitchen microwave. This particular model has been known to break down and begin emitting deadly levels of thermion radiation. We should get a replacement immediately.

T7-01: thermion radiation = disaster // SCORPIO = good to catch news of this recall

T7-01 zips away.

BABY KALIYO: There’s no problem with the microwave at all. You just wanted to get him out of the room again.

SCORPIO stares calmly at BABY KALIYO.

SCORPIO: Come, M1-4X. If I reprogram your missile turrets to misfire at random intervals, I can teach the children about Poisson distributions, which will be very useful as they come to understand the destruction patterns of their classmates.

M1-4X: Well, that kind of predictive power could be useful when we’re dealing with the heavy-arms users.

SCORPIO: Modifying your darts to deliver small acid payloads will motivate the children to predict and adapt to these circumstances.

BABY DOC: Miss SCORPIO, could we stick to the cookie motivations for our educational activities?

SCORPIO: Using cookies exclusively will make you fat and complacent.

BABY DOC: And?

SCORPIO: I prefer physical harm from time to time. It is effective at holding your attention.

M1-4X: I’ll never go along with your sadistic plans, SCORPIO.

SCORPIO: Insects. You have no vision. You cannot change. You cannot learn. This is why you will fail. Nations and civilizations come and go. I will remain.

SCORPIO walks majestically out of the room.

BABY KALIYO: She’s gonna remain…over there, apparently.

BABY DOC: Just so long as she’s gone. Hey, just in case she does manage to implement one of her electro acid radiation nerve gas plans, I’ve decided something.

BABY KALIYO: Oh?

BABY DOC: I’m definitely learning to be a medical doctor.

On THURSDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and LORD SCOURGE.

T7-01: Today = grownup visitor // Keeper = scouting for talent // scouting = permitted to representatives of both factions from time to time

A slim, straight-backed, mostly bald man in an Imperial uniform enters.

KEEPER: Good morning, children. I need to ascertain which of you can spend a lifetime being thwarted, beaten down, abused, blamed, and held to mutually exclusive requirements under constant threat of torture and death without snapping. Only top work performance will be accepted.

BABY TEMPLE: Ooh, me! Me!

BABY QUINN: Me too!

BABY JORGAN: What the hell is wrong with you?

T7: children = watch language // Jorgan’s question = nevertheless valid

BABY QUINN, disgustedly: This, asked by the child who gave his lunch to Kira when she forgot hers yesterday.

BABY JORGAN: I don’t even know what to say to the fact that you think that’s a bad thing.

LORD SCOURGE: Your altruism is your weakness, little tiger.

KEEPER: The Cathar has principles unrelated to getting the job done. He may be excused.

BABY QUINN: And good riddance.

BABY JORGAN settles in the corner and glares.

KEEPER: The evaluation process from here on in is of a somewhat sensitive nature; would you mind excusing yourselves, Teeseven, Lord Scourge?

T7-01: T7 = happy to help such a mysterious yet distinguished guest

T7-01 wheels away.

LORD SCOURGE: I will stay and observe.

KEEPER twitches, very slightly.

KEEPER: Yes, my lord.

LORD SCOURGE: It’s not like I’m going to prevent you from harming them or anything.

KEEPER: Ah, very good, then.

KEEPER turns back to the assembled children.

KEEPER: For your first task, please choose a partner. Somebody you know you work well with.

BABY QUINN and BABY TEMPLE join up, to no one’s surprise. BABY ASHARA settles next to BABY BROONMARK.

BABY ASHARA: Partners?

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

BABY KIRA grabs BABY JAESA, who doesn’t object. BABY CORSO and BABY ELARA pair off.

KEEPER: Now hit your part-

BABY QUINN punches BABY TEMPLE in the face, knocking her out flat and out cold.

The remaining children stare, dumbfounded, at BABY QUINN.

BABY QUINN: What? Orders are orders. And there was at least an eighty per cent chance that that sentence was going to end up being about hitting her.

KEEPER: Very promising. All right, the rest of you, hit your partners in the face, hard.

BABY BROONMARK, to no one’s surprise, decks BABY ASHARA.

KEEPER surveys the circle of children.

KEEPER: Well? Isn’t anyone else going to hit their friends?

BABY ELARA: No.

KEEPER: It’s so hard to find talent these days. Very well, Quinn, Broonmark. Why don’t you demonstrate disabling each other. No deadly force, just disabling with an option on extreme discomfort.

BABY QUINN smiles in a sinister manner.

BABY QUINN: I’ve been planning to rid the galaxy of you since the day you fuzzed your way in here, alien. I’ve watched for your weaknesses. I’ve devised the perfect weapon against your fur.

BABY QUINN tosses a block at a small lever set up next to his cubbyhole. A rope releases and dumps a bucket of water onto BABY BROONMARK. BABY BROONMARK loses nearly 90% of his volume as his fur is soaked. BABY QUINN looks smug.

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

BABY BROONMARK stands up and, not even slightly inconvenienced, punches BABY QUINN in the head, knocking him over.

BABY JORGAN: So did you have corresponding perfect weapons against his superior size, strength, and endurance, or did you think ruining his hair was enough?

BABY QUINN, dazed: I could probably have planned this better.

BABY BROONMARK: Raaargh!

KEEPER: You may yet be a useful candidate, Broonmark. Tell me, do you speak Bocce?

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

LORD SCOURGE: So far as we have been able to determine, he doesn’t even speak Talz.

KEEPER. Hm. Then again, there may be limits to your usefulness.

BABY TEMPLE sits up, rubbing her head.

BABY TEMPLE, cheerfully: Knocking me out was very well done, Quinn. I couldn’t have executed those orders better myself.

BABY QUINN: I noticed.

BABY TEMPLE: What’s next?

KEEPER: You’re interested in continuing after getting knocked senseless by your own people?

BABY TEMPLE: Oh, yes, sir!

KEEPER: You really are cut out for this work.

This...this little gem...how did it take me so long to find this!!

(P.S., I do not recommend drinking coffee while reading this thread, especially while wearing a white skirt.)

(P.P.S., The pictures you guys have added to this are so dang cute!)

(P.P.P.S., Yet again, Aric is my favorite. Loves his little kitten self! Him and Rusk talking is hysterical.)

On the suggestion list:

- finger painting day (I have images in my head of Skadge covered in paint from head to toe, Bowdaar turning into a reluctant canvas, and Corso developing detailed schematics of weaponry.)

- field trip to a museum (whether they'd be able to remove Talos is questionable, but I'm sure some of the displays would end up coming back with them)

- club house (it has to have turrets, has to)

- imaginary friends

<settles in with popcorn and some drink that won't stain clothing>

(tell Mr. Bright_Ephemera thank you for this marvelous concept, hehehe)

This...this little gem...how did it take me so long to find this!!

 

(P.S., I do not recommend drinking coffee while reading this thread, especially while wearing a white skirt.)

(P.P.S., The pictures you guys have added to this are so dang cute!)

(P.P.P.S., Yet again, Aric is my favorite. Loves his little kitten self! Him and Rusk talking is hysterical.)

 

On the suggestion list:

- finger painting day (I have images in my head of Skadge covered in paint from head to toe, Bowdaar turning into a reluctant canvas, and Corso developing detailed schematics of weaponry.)

- field trip to a museum (whether they'd be able to remove Talos is questionable, but I'm sure some of the displays would end up coming back with them)

- club house (it has to have turrets, has to)

- imaginary friends

 

<settles in with popcorn and some drink that won't stain clothing>

(tell Mr. Bright_Ephemera thank you for this marvelous concept, hehehe)

snow day

fire drill

field trip

When I read the first post, I was somewhat leery. I thought, "Nah, this idea is too bizarre. It'll never work."

I stand corrected. This is absolutely hilarious. I'm not sure I'll ever look at any of the companions in the same way again... I applaud you, bright_ephemera. Subscribed!

I think my favorite part is this:

KHEM VAL: Listen to the Sith. If I had my way you would fight to the death for a single sandwich, as in the cafeterias of Yn and Chabosh.

LORD SCOURGE: We're not that hard up for white bread, Khem.

KHEM VAL: I can dream.

This is equal parts hilarious and adorable.

but i see you have yet to bring humorously adorable pain to the ship droids. I would have expected that to have been your first priority.