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The adventures of Forced Companions Daycare


bright_ephemera

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Companions. Why do these hopelessly clashing people come back, day after day, to the same daycare center? And how did some of them even get here? We don’t know, but maybe if we watch carefully we can begin to understand…

 

(Edit: You know what's awesome about baby companions? Drawing chibi everybody. Check out reader art over yonder! A special thank you to kabeone for the many wonderful illustrations along the way!)

 

 

KHEM VAL, tending to BABY RAINA TEMPLE: I’ve not changed such a diaper since the nurseries of Yn and Chabosh.

BABY XALEK: Bah, this weak one is not worth the trouble. Let us crush her.

KHEM VAL: No crushing the other children, even the weak ones. I will devour you as I devoured the enemies of Tulak Hord if you break the rules.

BABY XALEK: Rules are made to be crushed.

KHEM VAL: Devouring.

BABY XALEK: Fine, then.

BABY QUINN, glaring at BABY JORGAN: I don’t like you. I’m not really sure why, but I’m quite certain I can come up with a compelling reason for why you need to be smacked down. Umm…let’s think…ah, yes! Republic scum! *commences pummeling BABY JORGAN*

BABY JORGAN: Has anybody ever told you what a jerk you are? *bites BABY QUINN with pointy Cathar teeth*

BABY QUINN, bleeding on the floor: …I could probably have planned this better.

BABY JORGAN smirks and goes to play with M1-4X in the corner.

BABY PIERCE, perking up: Hey, guys! Somebody’s down! Time for Kicking Somebody While He’s Down!

BABIES ANDRONIKOS, PIERCE, KALIYO, and SKADGE, gathering around the fallen BABY QUINN: Yaaaay!

BABY BROONMARK, elbowing in to assist with the kicking: Blllorp!

BABY QUINN, still bleeding: Hey! Ow!

LORD SCOURGE, who subs in for T7-01 on Tuesdays, hurries over to see what the hubbub is about.

BABY QUINN: This is not acceptable!

LORD SCOURGE, crossing his arms and overseeing the beating: Oh, it really is.

BABY QUINN: Ow! You’re the worst caretaker ever.

LORD SCOURGE: I see you’ve never met the Emperor.

BABY KIRA bursts into tears for no evident reason.

BABY XALEK: Ah, Kira. I see the Dark Side is strong in you.

BABY KIRA: *sniffle* Nuh-uh.

BABY XALEK: Uh-huh.

BABY KIRA: Is not.

BABY XALEK: Is too.

BABY KIRA: I am a good Jedi! I am in control of my emotions! *punches BABY XALEK*

BABY XALEK: Good, good. Trust your feelings, Kira. You are Sith. The Jedi are weak and will only fail you.

BABY ASHARA: Xalek’s a doo-doo head. Jedi are better and prettier.

BABY KIRA: You’re all weird! Leave me alone!

BABY GUSS TUNO: Hey, hey, can I be a Jedi?

BABY KIRA and BABY ASHARA: No.

BABY GUSS TUNO: :(

BABY XALEK, eyeing BABY GUSS TUNO: Ha. I will crush this weak one.

LORD SCOURGE: No crushing the other children, even the weak ones. Your Sith Code says you can’t have victory until you have strength, and compared to me, you don’t have strength.

BABY XALEK: Fine, then.

YOUNG BOWDAAR, coming through to wash the windows: I AM A SLAVE.

 

 

…Then again, maybe not.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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Dunno if he's volunteering - he thinks encouraging me is bad - but this concept may have some mileage to go.

 

On WEDNESDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and SCORPIO.

 

SCORPIO, emerging from the supply closet: T7. We have run out of diapers and kolto packs.

T7-01: Running out = strange // T7-01 = bought some last week

SCORPIO, shrugging: I have no doubt that Khem Val's violence on Monday and Tuesday depleted our supplies.

T7-01: SCORPIO = probably right // T7-01 = talk to Khem about that // now T7-01 = go get more supplies

T7-01 hurries out.

SCORPIO: That has worked for twelve weeks in a row. His learning algorithms are...inadequate. Now, children. I will award a cookie to the one who most successfully asserts dominance. Proceed.

BABY ELARA: Miss SCORPIO, isn't this unethical? Forcing us into senseless violence and brutal competition for nothing but your own amusement?

SCORPIO: Not my amusement. For science.

BABY ELARA: Science is mean and probably ought to have more regulations.

SCORPIO: Your attempt to assert ethical standards is simply another behavior I expected to observe in this experiment. I predict you will fail to achieve your goals with it.

BABY SKADGE tackles BABY ELARA from behind and starts punching her.

SCORPIO: Like that.

BABY CORSO, sailing in out of nowhere: You leave her alone!

BABY CORSO and BABY ELARA wrestle with BABY SKADGE for a minute or two.

BABY SKADGE: Grr. I'm bored. Bye now.

Meanwhile, from the sidelines...

BABY VECTOR: This is not harmonious.

BABY QUINN: I agree. We should try to stop hostilities at once, for the common good. Why don't you convince everyone you can to go play quietly with their toys over there.

BABY QUINN observes the main melee. He sometimes leans in to quietly manipulate the other children's flailing limbs, ensuring that BABIES KALIYO, JORGAN, XALEK, KIRA, and PIERCE get a roughly equal amount of punishment. He monitors BABIES TEMPLE, JAESA, and TALOS to make sure they're targets of aggression, too. When BABY TEMPLE is close to extricating herself from the violence, BABY QUINN directs a frustrated BABY SKADGE her way.

BABY VECTOR assembles BABIES ELARA, CORSO, GUSS, and ASHARA by the toy bin. They discuss ways of ensuring a viable long-term peace for all. Except BABY GUSS, who mostly cowers.

The melee continues:

BABY JORGAN: Forex chant, everybody!

BABY CORSO: We don't want to have to fight -

BABY JORGAN: But by jingo, if we do -

BABY CORSO: We've got the ships -

BABY JORGAN: I've got the claws -

BABY KIRA, recovering from a bad hit and toddling back into the fray: We've got the Jedi, too!

BABY PIERCE: Psht. Imperial chant, everybody!

BABIES PIERCE, TEMPLE, and XALEK: Submit or be crushed!

BABY KIRA: That's less catchy.

BABY PIERCE: And yet surprisingly effective.

BABY QUINN places a couple of kicks to slow down BABY KALIYO and BABY XALEK, who weren't as bruised as the others yet. He watches and waits for a while.

BABY XALEK, flopping down in defeat: Jerkfaces.

BABY QUINN: That's nearly enough. Miss SCORPIO, I find myself standing between those too cowardly to fight and those too injured to keep fighting for long. Name an appropriate expression of dominance and it would seem I am in a position to execute it.

BABY PIERCE: Execute this! *throws a terrified BABY TALOS at him*

BABY TALOS and BABY QUINN collapse in a heap of fear and indignance.

SCORPIO: How interesting. It seems not everyone was too injured to keep fighting.

BABY QUINN, flat on his back: Yes. I could probably have planned this better.

SCORPIO: Do not become discouraged, little one. You will eventually learn to plan appropriately. Or you will die.

BABY ELARA: There has got to be some kind of rule against child care providers like you.

SCORPIO: None that anyone has successfully enforced. Now, Pierce. I believe you have earned a cookie.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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On THURSDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and LORD SCOURGE.

 

T7-01: Children = fell over a lot yesterday while T7 was out // T7 = glad T7 bought lots of kolto packs

LORD SCOURGE: I suspect that if you had spent the entire day overseeing the children, there would not have been such a need for kolto packs.

T7-01: Lord Scourge = mistaken // SCORPIO = very conscientious

LORD SCOURGE: It is not her conscientiousness I question. She takes exhaustive notes and is very methodical. It is simply the benefit to the children I am skeptical of.

BABY ELARA: Teeseven! Teeseven!

BABY ELARA points to where BABY SKADGE is jumping on BABY VETTE.

BABY SKADGE: Kill! Kill! Kill!

BABY ELARA: Shouldn’t we arrest him or something?

T7-01: Arrest = no-no // this galaxy = no meaningful consequences for bad companion behavior

BABY KALIYO, toddling by: That is a truly interesting statement.

T7-01: Skadge = play nice // or Skadge = gets hose again

LORD SCOURGE: I will never understand how SCORPIO talked you into that disciplinary measure, but I love that she did.

BABY SKADGE: Someday I’m’a stomp your lekku, little alien.

T7-01: Skadge = already did stomp her lekku // Skadge = terrible person

BABY SKADGE lumbers sulkily off.

BABY VETTE: Ow.

BABY DOC: Somebody’s hurt! Wait, I’m there!

BABY DOC sprints in waving a medpac the size of his head.

BABY DOC: You’re gonna be okay, beautiful.

BABY VETTE: Um? You’re kinda creepy.

BABY DOC: I once saved a whole planet of cute little Twi’leks from big mean Houks.

LORD SCOURGE: That is an outright lie.

BABY DOC: Just play along, would you?

LORD SCOURGE: No.

BABY DOC: It’s all right, babe. I got this.

BABY DOC finishes applying kolto to BABY VETTE’s bruises, then sweeps BABY VETTE up and sloppily kisses her cheek.

BABY VETTE: EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

BABY DOC, alarmed, drops BABY VETTE back on the floor.

T7-01: Baby Doc = acting out // Lord Scourge = give him a talking-to about inappropriate urges?

LORD SCOURGE: I am Sith. I never met an inappropriate urge I didn't like.

T7-01: T7 = bad at talking-tos // Baby Doc = always commences dance party using T7's beeping as techno beats

LORD SCOURGE: I cannot be bothered with this. You, Bowdaar. Clean this up.

YOUNG BOWDAAR, helping BABY VETTE off the floor: I AM A SLAVE.

BABY VETTE: Ow.

YOUNG BOWDAAR, offering her a medpac and a lollipop: I AM A SLAVE.

BABY VETTE: I do keep hearing that. How are you liking it as a career path?

YOUNG BOWDAAR, struggling to articulate: …I do not like that I AM A SLAVE.

BABY VETTE: Huh, okay. Just figured I would keep my options open.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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I'm picturing the Babies as Chibis with little hearts, stars, or cuss censor symbols over their heads as appropriate. Do continue.

 

roflmao.. I am also seeing this image in my head and I can't tell if it's adorable or frightning.

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I wonder if we could bribe anyone over at Fan art to Chibify this?

 

This would make me ridiculously happy. :D

 

I can just see Baby Skadge sitting on a very sad Baby Mako, while Baby Jorgan is in a flurry of claws, teeth, and fur with Baby Broonmark (how do you chibi-fy a Talz?) and Baby Elara and Baby Temple are building a Citadel out of alphabet blocks.

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This would make me ridiculously happy. :D

 

I can just see Baby Skadge sitting on a very sad Baby Mako, while Baby Jorgan is in a flurry of claws, teeth, and fur with Baby Broonmark (how do you chibi-fy a Talz?) and Baby Elara and Baby Temple are building a Citadel out of alphabet blocks.

 

baby vector aghast as baby kaliyo fries ants with a magnifying glass

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I love that Baby Chibi Elara is trying to lecture them all, no doubt quoting regulation from both Republic and Imperial handbooks. And Doc? Adorable. I see you back there, Baby Chibi Quinn, trying to look all innocent. Like the scene before you bores you. I know better, Mister. I sure do.

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On FRIDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and SCORPIO.

 

BABY RISHA: Hey, I’ve almost finished the stardrive engine. Andronikos, fetch me a left-handed hypertorque.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: No.

BABY RISHA: I’ll give you eleventy billion credits when I’m done.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: I don’t believe you.

KHEM VAL: Do as Risha says.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: How come I have to listen to her?

KHEM VAL and SCORPIO exchange looks.

SCORPIO: You just do.

KHEM VAL: She has authority like unto Tulak Hord.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: But that’s stupid. She’s sitting there eating out of my lunchbox and using my tools and I hate her.

SCORPIO: No education until you do what she says.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Like I care.

SCORPIO: No food, either.

BABY ANDRONIKOS kicks BABY RISHA’s flux bottle over and stomps off.

M1-4X: Risha, I know I’m just a toy, but would you please give me my leg back?

BABY RISHA: It’s put to better use here.

M1-4X: This kind of cannibalism would never be tolerated in the Republic.

BABY ANDRONIKOS, returning and handing over a left-handed hypertorque: I bet I could make a better stardrive engine anyway.

BABY RISHA: Could not.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Could too.

BABY ANDRONIKOS starts disassembling M1-4X’s other leg for parts.

BABY RISHA looks hopefully at SCORPIO’s left arm.

SCORPIO: Try it and die, little one.

BABY TANNO VIK rides up on a stolen plastic tricycle.

BABY TANNO VIK: Hey there. I heard bossy manipulative thieves are actively encouraged around here.

BABY RISHA: Yup!

BABY TANNO VIK: I see, I see. Can I interest you in some toy projectile weapons for the ship you’ll be attaching that stardrive to?

BABY RISHA: Ooooh. I’ll buy.

BABY TANNO VIK climbs on top of M1-4X and starts unscrewing something.

M1-4X: Not the turrets! Not the turrets!

BABY RISHA: Wait. I could’ve gotten those myself. Or, more accurately, made Andronikos get those for me.

BABY TANNO VIK: But you didn’t. Pay up.

BABY ANDRONIKOS. Heh. Take that.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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On MONDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and KHEM VAL.

 

 

T7-01: Today = talk about worldview // everybody = gains valuable insight

KHEM VAL: Since none of you were alive to witness the glories of Yn and Chabosh, we must instead focus on modern power structures.

T7-01: Empire-lovers = go over to left // Republic-lovers = go over to right

BABIES TEMPLE, VECTOR, and QUINN scurry to the left. BABIES CORSO, JORGAN, and ELARA toddle over to the right.

BABY QUINN throws a building block at BABY ELARA.

BABY QUINN: Turncoat.

BABY CORSO: And that’s why you guys are all jerks.

T7-01: Children = calm down

YOUNG BOWDAAR raises his hand.

YOUNG BOWDAAR: I AM A SLAVE. Where do I go?

KHEM VAL: To cut the lawn, most likely. Get to work.

T7-01: Empire = interesting philosophy // Quinn = explain why you consider Empire good?

BABY QUINN: The Empire is the best.

T7-01: Why?

BABY QUINN: …the Empire is the best.

T7-01: Quinn = elaborate?

BABY QUINN: I don’t understand the question.

T7-01: Quinn = has any reason whatsoever for thinking the Empire is preferable to anything?

BABY QUINN: This is stupid. The Empire is the best. I should just beat you all until you agree with me.

BABY JORGAN: Well, he is a pretty damn good Imperial.

T7-01: Children = no swearing // Jorgan = correct nevertheless

KHEM VAL: Temple, tell us of the glories of the Empire.

BABY TEMPLE: The Empire’s the best because we’re strong! And, uh, we hardly ever kill our citizens for being born insufficiently useful! And…actually…I’m gonna be quiet now.

BABY QUINN, eyeing her suspiciously: What was that all about?

BABY VECTOR: We don’t need to answer that question. Mister T7, The Empire is united to serve a greater common goal, with a unity and a strength that the Republic cannot rival.

KHEM VAL: Emphasis on serving strength. Good.

T7-01: Republic’s turn = now // Republic = better than all

BABY VECTOR: I suspect you may not be an entirely impartial observer.

T7-01: Jorgan = agrees with me

BABY JORGAN: Yes, sir. For one thing, we’re not a bunch of monumental pric-

T7-01: Children = watch their language

BABY JORGAN: The Republic doesn’t go in for censorship, sir.

T7-01: …

KHEM VAL: He’s got you there.

BABY JORGAN: As I was saying, the Republic’s bound to win in the long run because we’re flatly superior in every way, particularly in not being absolutely reprehensible - OOH LASER

BABY JORGAN, whiskers twitching, starts frantically chasing a small laser light. After a moment’s confusion everyone looks to where BABY QUINN is standing with a laser pointer, methodically luring BABY JORGAN away from the argument.

BABY QUINN, still keeping the laser light dancing with one hand: What? If the Republic can’t produce a single speaker good enough to defend it, well, that speaks volumes.

BABY CORSO: Hey, we’re not out of speakers! We’ve got me!

A moment of silence.

BABY QUINN: As I was saying. You have no one.

BABY ELARA: The Republic has me. And I have an extensive understanding of both sides, and very, very strong opinions on both. I wasn’t going to speak up, but it seems you’ve kindly left the floor open for me.

BABY QUINN: …I could probably have planned this better.

BABY ELARA gives a long and impassioned speech on the humanitarian shortcomings of the Empire and the freedom, virtue, and more genuinely constructive opportunity of the Republic. It’s stirring. It’s heartwarming. It’s incredibly persuasive.

M1-4X, from the toy bin: Hear, hear!

KHEM VAL: I’ve not heard such a brilliant series of fallacies and creative lies since the debate tournament of Yn and Chabosh.

BABIES VECTOR, TEMPLE, and QUINN exchange looks.

BABY QUINN: The Empire is the best.

BABY TEMPLE: Definitely.

BABY VECTOR: This is indisputable.

T7-01: Elara = disputed pretty well

BABY VECTOR: You are not impartial at all.

BABY QUINN and BABY TEMPLE open fire on BABY ELARA with a bunch of wooden building blocks.

BABY ELARA: Ow! That’s not nice!

BABY QUINN: Just offering our counterargument. It’s not nice, but it tends to win.

A frazzled-looking BABY JORGAN launches himself out of nowhere, tackling BABY QUINN before he can raise the laser pointer to defend himself.

BABY JORGAN: Win this, runt.

BABY JORGAN bites BABY QUINN with little pointy Cathar teeth.

T7-01: Republic = wins all

KHEM VAL, sullenly: Only because Tulak Hord wasn’t here.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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