Yours to Hold

 

Torian Cadera x female Bounty Hunter

 

No spoilers for anything at all.

 

First person from Torian - though this is kind of a stand alone thread that may or not be followed, it runs along my bounty hunters story in 'When I Wake' though it isn't necessary to of read it, it is just highly complementary - link for it here: http://www.swtor.com/community/showthread.php?t=536484

 

'Night after Quesh' relates to post #30, 32 and 34 in 'When I Wake'. Especially 30 and 34 so reading 30, 34 and then this provides a good contrast on perspectives of the other. Enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

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Night after leaving Quesh

 

She's been avoiding me.

 

Hurts a lot. I just watch her from across the crate. She's beautiful. I don't know how she doesn't see it. She was born to be a goddess, but she doesn't seem to notice. Everyone else does. I clench my fists when I think of Gault. Hut'uunla di'kut. I want to tell her these things and more. But I know she would only laugh and smirk. I'm just a Mando kid to her. A means to an end.

 

I remember back in the trap, after the fight. I saw the pain in her stance as she tried to fight something inside her. The way she lent on the desk like she couldn't trust herself to stand alone. I want her to lean on me. On reflex I took half a step forward. I reached out my hand. I'm stretching but she's just out of reach. I want to kiss her. And take it all away.

 

But I can't. I don't want to die like that. Know that's all that would come from it. So I take another step back and drop my hand. The movement disorientated me. I became aware of the wound on my shoulder.

 

She watched me and walked over, taking off her gloves. Her hands are soft and gentle. It's a little surprising. I want to hold them in my own coarse hands. The studs on her knuckles are amazing. I had never seen them that close. I remember what they did to the man on Taris. They only make her more beautiful. Never met such a strong woman, even among the Mando'ad. They don't compare to her. Not even in the same galaxy.

 

I looked at the thing in replace of her eye. Wondered if it hurts her. I want to know what happened to her. But I can't ask. She doesn't want me to know. I know that's why she avoids my eyes. I see more then she thinks I do. I have no doubt of her skill in battle. I don't find it hard to believe she killed the Mandalorian Killer.

 

So I guess I was just an ade in awe. 'Kellian Jarro. You took down the 'Mandolorian Killer'?' Means she should be famous amongst the Mando'ad. A celebrity. Makes me sad she isn't.

 

'You seem surprised.' Her eye met mine and I saw her hurt. I saw my mistake. Sounded like surprise and disbelief. Didn't mean to offend her. Never want to offend her. She motioned to her hands. 'Didn't have a chance.' I looked at them again. I think what I have since I first saw them: what happened to you? Her bones can be seen, dark and metallic under her skin. They disappear up her arm. I wonder if it stops.

 

She finished and walked away. I didn't know what to say. My mouth opened and closed as I think of saying a hundred different things. None of them were right. I finally decided what to say.

 

But a sudden alarm cut me off before anything came out.

 

'More trouble.' It didn't do justice to what I wanted to say. But I suppose that's all I'm ever going to cause for myself. I don't mind. Never been one to stay out of trouble.

 

'I thought the body count was low anyway.' I couldn't agree more. Nothing is more thrilling and intoxicating then fighting with her. My cyare.

 

I let her kill them. She needed to. I like the way she fights through her pain as if her enemies were an embodiment of it and her past. I respect her. But that is an understatement. Feel a lot more than just respect.

 

We left. 'I'll cover your rear.' It's all I can ever say.

 

On the way back, she fought harder. Tried not to show it but I know it was to compensate for my shoulder. To protect me. Kind of flattered by that but I don't dare read into it. After we got back and she filled the others in, she was quick to wave me away. I know the order to rest wasn't in concern for my shoulder. But on her way down to the Deveronian, there was concern as she made an inquiry. I look into her eyes now and try and find that same concern.

 

She almost blushes when she sees me staring at her from across the rudimentary table. I don't mean to. Can't help it. I want to know what she was thinking. What she spent hours talking to the Deveronian about. What he said that made her so hurt and withdrawn. Image of his hand on her chest is burnt into my memory. She was already a little off since earlier on Quesh. He seemed to make it worse. Don't know what to say to make amends. All I want to do is erase her pain. I can still hear her cries.

 

I look at the flower.

 

It's finally finished. Took me a few weeks. Harder by working on only memory. But not much. Remember every moment with her perfectly. Remember her approval at killing Jicoln. Remember the rush of fighting next to her. Remember the concern she tried to hide. The fierce grin she let slip when killing. The darkness that came around her and made her so alive.

 

I run my finger over the petals, feeling the tiny grooves that are almost as thin as those on your fingers. It catches the light that comes down through a gap in the steps, it's silver mirror surface creating rainbows in the air. I like sleeping under the stairs. Not much choice I guess. Rather get eaten by a malraas then sleep near that Deveronian. But no complaints. Better here than back with the Mando's. Guess I miss my friends and Corridan, though.

 

Thump.

 

I look up, alert. Sound came from the shower. I listen intently but no more come. My gaze returns to the silver flower. Would have been quicker to finish if Mako wasn't always around. Surprised she's not sitting with me now. Guess she's hiding in shame after the make she made about Quesh. I don't want to go make her feel better. Not my place. Not my way.

 

I put the flower away in the crate where I keep the other things. I take out a barrel I'm working on and fiddle with it. Should be finished soon. My next order of metals should arrive soon too. I put the barrel away and sit. Cyare's been in the bathroom awhile.

 

Thump.

 

It was louder this time. I stand alert in the cargo hold, ready to run up the stairs. But no other sounds come. Think I might hear something like a scream. But I dismiss it. I take my shirt off and pick up my staff. Start to go through some basic forms. She runs a tight ship. Tougher than Mando'ad. Didn't think that was possible. Even got the Deveronian working on his aim. He tries to not let the rest of us see. She expects our best. I want to give her more than that.

 

Crash.

 

I drop my staff mid twirl and listen. The sound was like shattered glass. I hear distinctive crying. I run to the bathroom door. But I don't dare touch it. Mako is there a split second after. Deveronian's nowhere to be seen. Mako bangs on the door, shouting for her to open it. The door stays closed.

 

Mako gives up and leaves. But I stand there for a long time. I'm too weak to open it. But too strong to leave. I can't bring myself to knock and call to her. So I listen to her sobbing instead. They burn my ears and echo in my mind for hours after. I know I can't do anything. And we are not supposed to hear or know.

 

So I left her to suffer alone.

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to live with that.

 

She shakes her head at something she was thinking. Makes her red hair wave like a crimson flag. I like it when she doesn't have it slicked back for battle. I decide an approach to making amends.

 

'Been watching you work.'

 

She doesn't offer a response. Just eats and avoids my eyes. I like the way I make her squirm like this. Never seen her do it in the presence of anyone else. Even Sith Lords. Makes me a little sad though.

 

'You're an amazing shot.' I try to let her hear how much I respect her. That I know what she's capable of. In the weeks and then months to come, I will look back and realise how very little I actually knew.

 

Her arm twitches. She always wears full length clothes. Never seen any more than her face and hands. I want to know what's underneath. Seen too much of Mako. Don't want to hurt the kids feelings by telling her I'm not interested but I never take her up on her offers, either. Guess I should. It's only getting worse. Don't think she could get any further away from being my type.

 

Cyare shovels more food into her mouth and speaks with her mouth full. 'I should be. I'm a Champion.' I nod. True enough. Don't know what answer I really wanted, but it wasn't that. I know she was thinking something else. I want more than her strong shield of arrogance and cold indifference. I don't believe that's all she is. I know there's more. Guess if there isn't, I'm in love with an impossible dream.

 

'Don't make it far in this business if you miss.'

 

'I've seen successful hunters who couldn't shoot to save their lives,' I quickly reply. True enough. Image of Jogo is strong in my mind. She doesn't reply to that, but I see a smirk on her lips. I vaguely eat some more food. Not sure if this actually is food. I don't touch my drink. Being drunk near her doesn't seem like the wisest move. Not sure what I'd do. But my track record isn't spotless. Don't know how Gault is still alive. Spend a lot of time wondering about that. Others have been shot dead for a lot less than what he says.

 

She leans back. Surprised she doesn't fall off the crate. Perfect balance. There's that smirk on her lips. But it's a little different. There's a painful twist at the end. 'So you've been watching me this long and all you've noticed is my aim?' She raises the drink to her red lips. 'I'm disappointed.'

 

I almost grin at her. But I'm still cautious. Don't think I'm beyond getting shot yet. 'Less likely to shoot me if I only comment on your aim.' Her teasing smile twists into a frown. Something dark passes over her face. Like she's in pain. I just want her to know I'm her's to hold.

 

'It's nice to see a professional in action.' I let my eyes take her in. Guess I'm being a little bold. Might not need to drink to be stupid. Figure I might die tomorrow any way. What's a few hours difference? 'Quite the view.' Guess I'm fond of understatements when it comes to her.

 

She reaches for the gun at her hip. Half draws it. It was a reflex. Too quick to have thought about it. I flinch back. I don't take it personal. But I can't help but think of Gault again. Never drawn a gun on him.

 

She just laughs as if that can make it go away. As if it was a joke. What happened to her?

 

I study her. Wonder what she's thinking. I want to know. The droid comes and interrupts us. But I don't even glance up. Given up pretending to eat this food.

 

Cyare tries to pretend nothing happened. She pours more rum into my glass. It's almost over flowing. 'Drink, Torian.' She doesn't look into my eyes as she says it. Just somewhere near my mouth. Her hand gesturing to my glass.

 

I nod a little and obey. Never disobeyed a direct order. The rum is harsh. Don't know how she drinks it. Seems like water to her. She doesn't even try to make it seem like she doesn't taste it. I wonder if she can.

 

I like the way she started to say my name for the first time. Not ashamed of my clan anymore. Just like to hear her say my name. I guess I look at her curiously. She started to after we competed. I know I won. But that was only today. I feel like I didn't see anything near her best.

 

'I like you calling me Torian. Not Cadera.'

 

She looks me in the eye for a moment. But then immediately away. There was something like shy embarrassment in them. She keeps eating. I wonder if she realises that the food is changing colour. She gazes out the window a little. Wonder what things look like through her eyes.

 

'I know what you mean, by the way.' She looks at me out of the corner of my eye. My body immediately reacts. Her eye moves down. 'Views not bad from here either, Torian.'

 

'Glad to oblige.' My heart is beating quicker. My body is hot. I want her. I want her to lean on me like she does Gault. I want her to sleep next to me like she does him. I want her to want me. I want to have her. I drink some of the rum from my almost empty glass. For a change, I'm the one that looks away. But it doesn't last long. My eyes are a compass needle and she is my north.

 

She fidgets. Doesn't eat though. Think she finally realised the food had gone from a bland grey to blue to orange. She stands to leave. I don't know what to say to make her stay. I don't want her to leave.

 

'You know, if you ever want to see more... I'd be happy to give you a better view.' Her voice and eyes are suggestive. So is her body language. I want to take her up on that here and now. My body is more than ready. But something told me she didn't mean it. Didn't want it. And before I can say anything or respond, she's already walking up the stairs.

 

'I'll remember you said that.'

 

Don't think I'll do much but remember for weeks. Remember and imagine. All I want is to be closer than words. But I feel that this is the closest to heaven that I'll ever be.

 

 

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Author's note:

 

 

Edited October 8, 2012 by EverSteam

I just finished catching up in the main thread then came over here, I think you've captured Torian's voice perfectly!

I'm caught up, and I'd love to see Torian's take on what's going on with your other thread!

I'm caught up, and I'd love to see Torian's take on what's going on with your other thread!

 

Thanks

Don't worry, you will soon!

I love writing from Torian's side too much to stop XD

Night after the op against the Organization...

'Torian!'

 

I remain still under the sheets except for my open blinking eyes. My body is drenched in a cold sweat and the blankets cling to my naked body as I sit up slowly, careful to not make any noises. My ears are straining to hear any noise from her room.

 

I'm not sure if the cry was only in my nightmare or real. My dream still clouds my mind and ears. I can still feel part of them back in the nightmare. Images of her body falling to the ground dead with Jedi standing over her victorious as my own body stands petrified, only watching. Felt so real. Looked so real.

 

I press my palms to my eyes and shake my head, trying to throw off the dream. It was nothing. Nothing. I breathe deep and look through the stairs to her closed door. Wonder what she does behind that door. Remember her guiding me through the Organisation, speaking as unpassionately about each room as it was a tour through an unremarkable, old building. But she never met my eye. Wonder what was going on behind it.

 

She almost let things slip when she walked past her old quarters. One she shared with him. It was one door she didn't want to open. Just calmly placed a thermal detonator on it and kept walking. Don't think I'll ever stop marvelling at the way she always manages to keep walking. Don't know if I could shoulder so many things like she does. Don't know if anyone could. Guess it's like Gault said. It does explain a lot.

 

But my fists clench and I throw myself back on my hard, thin mattress at the thought of the Deveronian. How could he walk out on her just like that? Hut'uunla di'kut. Corridan's call comes back to me. Aren't I just about to walk out too? Isn't it what you're gonna do as soon as morning comes and she wakes? Now that the op is done?

 

I sigh and stare at the steps above as if they might suddenly reveal an answer. Don't know what to do. Don't know how I can't feel angry at what they made her do. At what he did to her. This General. Made me more than a little angry. Didn't know what to say though. Didn't want to her see how much I felt for her. How sad it made it me. And how jealous I was. Think that night was closest we'll ever be. Still want to be closer. Want to know what she was like before she was taken. Hate that this General was the one to know her. Don't think she could ever deserve to suffer. Not what she was born for.

 

All only makes me love her more. Not like I'm perfect. Enjoyed my share of killing others. Enjoyed killing my own father. Know it's not the same. But probably closest I'll be to experiencing the same.

 

I sit up again and dig through the crate. Eventually, I pull out the flower wrapped in velvet. Stare at it for a long time. Don't know what to do with it. Not really my style to make such a thing. Not sure it's her style to receive them.

Wonder if she was ever really loved.

 

I wrap it away again and hide it. Guess I should sleep. I lie back down and stare towards her room.

 

'Torian!'

 

I grab a shirt and pants from the pile in the corner and run to her room. Seems I never imagined it after all. When I stand panting and heaving in her doorway, I see she is still asleep. Sink down to the ground, catching breath and shakily pulling on my clothes. Don't know what I was expecting. I look from my crouching position to her body. Blankets are on the floor. They reveal her vulnerable form in nothing but an old shirt.

 

But I don't look at her. Wouldn't be right to look at her like that while she lies with wrists and ankles tied to the corner of the bed in invisible bounds only she can see and feel. I slowly stand and walk to her, picking up the discarded blanket on the way. I stop and watch her face, unable to decided what to do. She whispers fevered words in between tortured groans and though I can guess of what she dreams, I know it's beyond my understanding. Don't think anyone could understand how much her memories must hurt. How much it must of hurt. I only want to know how long she has been crying in her sleep alone while I sleep oblivious below. While everyone sleeps. While she sobs my name. I clench my fist around the blanket. Di'kut, Torian.

 

'Torian.' Before she finishes my name I am on my knees next to her bed, grasping her cold hand as I throw the blanket over her with the other. Her eye is closed and her breathing is heavy. I know she's still asleep. And there's nothing I can do to change what haunts her. What has been done. But this time, I will not stand and listen, doing nothing. She needs me to be stronger than that. I want to be stronger than that.

 

'Need you. Help.'

 

'I'm here, cyare. I'll protect you. Always.' My throat constricts a little at the end and I choke the last words out. But she smiles faintly in her sleep and some of the shadows seem to leave. She relaxes and curls into herself, her body facing me, ours hands under her cold cheek. The way she holds her knees to her chest with her arm screams of a desperation and I wonder if this is her attempt to stop herself falling apart.

 

Not sure I'll be able to keep that promise. But I know I'll try.

 

I watch her. Seems I've been watching her for months from so far away. From the first moment I saw her in the Great Hall on Dromund Kaas. Never really noticed at first how her face was like that of a doll for ade. But sometimes, all I see is that pretty face. She's beautiful, even when covered in blood. All pale, porcelain skin, flawless and translucent. Flushed cheeks and shining red lips. But it's her eye I like best; hard and shining like silver beskar.

 

But she is broken and hardly holding it together. In her sleep and dreams, she falls further apart, breaking and crying alone. I want to fix her and put her back together. Want to be the balm to her blistering soul and show her what to live for. Show her how to live.

 

When I feel her dreams are peaceful or empty, I move to leave, trying to slip my hand away. She grips it tighter and my knuckles crack. An expression of pain crosses her face. And I wince as she keeps squeezing tighter.

 

'Don't leave me.'

 

I frown and look at her perfect figure, largely hidden under the blanket. My dream comes back to me. Funny. Because it had left me thinking the same thing about her. Don't think I'd be anything without her. Wasn't anything but an arue'tal before I met her.

 

'Please.'

 

And then Corridan's call is back. And my answer. My packed bags and ready words that were waiting for the morning.

 

'I won't, cyare.'

 

Her face becomes blank. Pain and anger evaporate. But it doesn't look alive. A broken, lifeless doll. Wonder what she is when you take away the hurt and anger. Keep hoping there's something more. But I guess even if there isn't, I'd love her anyway. Never had a choice in it. But if I did, she'd be it anyway. No matter what she has done.

 

So I sit. And find myself unable to do anything but watch her.

 

Think about back on Tython. Each room. Had to choke back vomit more than once. She only did once. Don't think she knew what was behind that door. Can't imagine what it was like to see them lined on the beds like that. I shiver. Think any Mandalorian would feel terrified at it. Wonder what she found in the terminal. Kept reading the datapad on the way back. Couldn't read her expression. She locked herself into her room as soon as we reached the ship. I look around her room. Datapads open on the small table next to me. Must have fallen asleep reading it. Can only see the word 'Secondary'. Tempted to pick it up and read it. But I don't. Have no right to even see that much.

 

Few minutes before dawn, I leave her to wake alone as she would expect. Took a while for her to let go of my hand. Stronger then I had guessed. But I know she wasn't even trying hard. If she was, I'd be forced to stay sitting there with more than one broken finger. As I slip away and close the door, I know I will be nothing but a dream. And I think for now, that is enough.

 

When I go down stairs, I wash my face and look in the mirror. Necks fading back to normal. Angry purple of a week ago is gone. Few more days, and there will be nothing left. Not really angry at her attack. More hurt. Guess she wasn't herself. Don't know what it was, and I don't really want to. I look at myself in the mirror. Wonder what she sees. I shrug my shoulders at myself and leave.

 

I call Corridan in the Deveronian's empty room.

 

When he answers, he's in armour. Can hear shouts and laughter amongst the static. When he speaks, it's clear and sharp. 'Torian. You on your way? Better hurry. We're two days from the start of the hunting grounds.'

 

Before I can answer, Jagger appears at Corridan's shoulder. 'Torian! How goes the post under the Grand Champion? Or does she let you go on top?' He laughs at his own wit. I roll my eyes and smirk at him. Something I seem to of picked up from her. Makes me smile more.

 

Corridan nudges him away with a scowl and an elbow. But when he turns, his small holo figure is smiling slyly. 'Rumours are as rampant around here as a herd of bomas. Better come soon if you want them to stop. Everyone's excited to see you. Can't wait to hear your... stories.' I scowl at Corridan and he laughs lightly back.

 

'Can't make it yet. Finished the op. Was gonna leave this morning but I've got something I have to do first.'

 

His laughter stops. Not the news he expected. 'Must be on a tight ship. Sure you can't make it earlier?'

 

I'm tempted to leave now. To write a note and slip through the exit. But that's not me. And I can't do that to her. 'Expect me there in seven days. Send me coordinates of your camp then.'

 

He nods and shuts off. Should leave me the last three weeks of the hunt. In the silence it leaves I can hear cyare going through her morning workout. When she walks down two hours later, her armour on despite the ship floating in space, I see the pain of each step as the corner of her eye slightly twitches. I see the rigid back that refuses to break in front of me. Under her armour, I know she is falling apart. And I know that I made the right choice.

 

I would stay forever if I thought it would make her smile.

Torian, you're such a sweety.. :3

Some time later...

 

She sits on a crate against the wall and watches me practice with the tecstaff.

 

Surprised she's out of her room to eat. Surprised she is eating, really. Her crunching on the cereal is loud and her eye makes me more than a little self conscious. Shouldn't of taken my shirt off. Normally don't with her. Not that I don't think I'm attractive enough or got any scars, I just don't like to feel so exposed around her. 'Specially after that night.

 

She staggers up the stairs.

 

I watch her go. She seems to think I don't notice the pain she is in. Been getting rapidly worse since Quesh. I notice. But I don't know what to do. Don't think she'd want the sympathy. Or the questions. So I watch her leave. Her pride makes her stand straight. But tomorrow, I think I might ask.

 

I look at her empty crate. I think about following her. Going and seeing if she's ok. But I'm not left to think about it long. She walks down in her underwear. I blush fiercely but don't take my eyes off her. There's something different about her face. Her silver eye is blank and staring into mine. I can tell she isn't looking at me through it.

 

Gault comes out from his room with a bottle in his hand. He notices her descending, rigid form immediately. He makes a sly crack at her. He moves in front of her and blocks her way at the bottom of the stairs. His language is more than a little suggestive. And I can feel him mocking me. My fists clench tight and I imagine her killing him.

 

So I am shocked when she actually almost does. A gun rises from the cybernetics on her shoulders like a snake rearing its head to strike. Gault was quick to move. Don't think he'd have just escaped if he wasn't used to the feeling you are about to be shot dead. Instead, blaster bolt just scorches the wall opposite.

 

She makes for the door and I realise she is about to leave. I'm at the exit in front of her before I realise what I had moved. And she is close to me. Her body pressed against mine. And despite the situation, mine responds. A dark and twisted leer appears on her face. Her hand is at my throat and I am no longer on the ground.

 

And all I can do is stare at her smile and realise that her constant smirk was just a light shadow of something dark and horrible. And I look long and hard into her eye. All that stares back is something empty and hateful. Know there's no point in trying to get free. My vision grows dark around the edges. Didn't imagine I'd die like this. Was aware of the possibility but thought it more likely to get shot down in battle.

 

But then I'm on the floor. And Gault is standing over me, offering a hand. Even with the situation, he is more than a little mocking. She is crumpled and twitching on the floor next me, electricity clear around her. I am quick to run and get and tie her hands and arms. We carry her to her bedroom and Gault slips out. I tie her to the bed.

 

And I watch her. I take her in. Every part of her. Never imagined her wearing white. Always thought her underwear would be black. That's all you can think about? Tried to kill you and all you can notice is the colour of her underwear? I shake my head. Di'kut, Torian.

 

She's beautiful. But her body is decaying. I don't know how I couldn't see it earlier. Guess she made sure we wouldn't. Never seen anything as compelling and disgusting as what is happening to her. I know I shouldn't look. Get now why she was wearing gloves recently. Her hands are red and raw as the skin peels away. Yellow seeps out and orange scabs are around her shoulders.

If only I knew I'd... what would I do? I can't help her. I'm in the room this time but she's just as far away. I can't do anything but sit and watch and listen. And wait for my cyare to come back.

 

I frown and carry on. Try not to falter and try to impress. I can feel her amusement though. Feel like a child around her. Few years and I'll be thirty. Know I don't look it. As I turn, weave, duck and twirl, I am aware of how much younger than that I feel. Feel ten years younger.

 

After seeing her in the Organisation, fighting other Agents and what she called Guards, I saw part of what she was capable of. But even then, they were only annoying flies. Wonder how long it's been since she's had a real challenge. Just watching, hardly able to hold my own against one, the way she had to hurry to protect me, made me realise she didn't need me there. She could take them on her own. So I don't know why she took me. Only got in the way. Don't think I'll be able to stop the nightmares for a while.

 

Remember listening to what happened to her. Felt more than a little and jealous and angry when she confessed to loving the man that betrayed and mutilated her. Didn't want to get close to her in that room. Knew it wasn't her. Still hurts to have the woman you love trying to kill you, though. Not sure how to move on from that. Guess that's why I leave in the morning. Found it hard to stay on the side of the room. Everything screamed at me to run to her side. But I didn't want to die. Think it might have been worth it though.

 

I need to get stronger. I need to be better. Can't protect or help her when I'm this weak. I don't deserve her, as I am.

 

Suddenly, I feel something wet and slimy hit my cheek. I stop half way through a move and the momentum makes me trip on my own feet. I fall hard on my *** and wipe the back of my hand on my cheek. I look at it carefully and realise it's cereal. Didn't notice before but cyare is laughing. It's a high tingling noise, like charms in a wind. It doesn't suit her. Matches the girl she might have been twenty years ago.

 

I look at her carefree smile and smile. Doesn't seem like the smile and laugh of a woman that cries in her sleep. My thoughts must show in my face because her laughter dies and leaves only that twisted smirk.

 

'Not gonna be cereal a Jedi is throwing at you or milk shooting out of a troopers gun.' I rise an eyebrow. Don't think she notices. Interesting imagery. Not sure I'll be able to keep a straight face in our next battle. 'You need to be ready for that. Real training is starting now, Torian.' As she speaks she stands up and puts the bowl on a bench and picks up another staff. 'We're starting with this.'

 

I stand up and pick up my staff. I make the first move. She makes the last. I'm on my *** again before a minute has passed. 'Again,' she says. I stand again. And again I'm on the ground, face to the floor, her foot on my back.

 

'Again,' she orders as she kicks me over with her foot. She wasn't gentle. I frown. Makes her smile. 'Need to move like this,' she demonstrates. I mimic her movements. 'Stops people from doing this,' she hits hard against my raised staff.

 

'But not this.' And again I'm on the ground. This time her knee's on my chest and her lips at my ears. 'Let's do it again.'

 

Only one thing I want to do more.

Torian will always be in the top 3 of my "Favorite Romances" list. :3

Follows post 68 of When I Wake

 

Night Torian returns from the Hunt...

'And Torian. Welcome home.'

 

I look up at her and grin. Can't help it. She looks so beautiful and closest to happy I've ever really seen. She waves goodnight and walks away. I sit up for a while, hoping she'll walk back down. Come back and stay with me for the few hours left till Hoth's dawn. Missed her a lot. Know I can't tell her that, though.

 

Wonder when this became home. Suppose it is. Eat here, train here, sleep here, feel relaxed here. Guess I've thought of it as my first home for a long time. Didn't need to ever say it or really think it. Wonder when she started to think that way. Or if she even realised what she said.

 

I head up to the bathroom. Shower, change, shave. I touch my neck. It's back to normal. Think too hard about it though and I can feel her cold hands. Had more than a few dreams of it. Remember waking up in the camp, cold sweat and her leer in my mind's eye. After the first week of being away from her though, dreams turned softer for a while. Last night of the hunt when all had an early night because of the start before dawn, I had that dream again. Couldn't sleep after that.

 

Leaving gave me time to think. Harder to think around her. Came to the same conclusion on Duxn as I had here. All this doesn't change anything. Not when it comes down to it. Can't be shaken away that easy. And I always liked a challenge.

 

Duxn was fun. Even though the questions never stopped. Or when they did, I couldn't still hear their talk. Think they'd have more to talk about than her. Made me more than a little angry, what they said. Had nothing to say to their appraisals. Knew it wouldn't be right to talk of her like that. She's different. She has too much of my respect. Had more than enough stories for them. Didn't tell them of the last op. Glad Corridan dropped it. Not my story to tell.

 

Felt good to be with them again, though. Was accepted entirely, but still felt a little estranged. Suppose that was my doing. Happy to be included with them. To be with them all again. But I didn't feel like I belonged. It wasn't where I really want to be. Was once, but isn't now. Was happy to be off the ship. Missed Duxn a little. But I looked a little too forward to coming back. To her. Guess I belong with her. No matter where that is. Or what it involves.

 

Worried about her. Wasn't sure if I should leave. Turned back around more than once. Knew I should give her more credit though. Know she's strong enough to make it on her own. But still. Destroying the Organisation was her goal. Maybe that goal is over. Don't know enough to tell. Might have more bases, more 'Generals'. But if that's what was driving her all this time, what will she become when that is taken away? What is she when revenge is over? Or will it never end? Guess I just want her to rely on me that little bit. Be a bit of a reason to live. Would like that. Know it won't happen though. 'Need you.'Wonder if that was true; if the only time she can ask for help is in her dreams.

 

I shake my head. I go over to my bed. But when I lie down, no sleep comes. So I'm awake all night to hear only silence from her room. Not sure how I feel about that. Guess I should be happy if tonight she is sleeping peacefully. So why do I feel a little lonely?

*hands Torian a fluffy pillow* Hug the pillow Torian. Hug the pillow.

*hands torian a fluffy pillow* hug the pillow torian. Hug the pillow.

 

Lol!

Edited October 18, 2012 by EverSteam

Correlation with post 93 of When I Wake.

 

 

On the Tyrant...

 

 

I open my mouth to ask what we're doing when she pulls me into the small walk way used by astromech droids. Thought she might still want to blow up this ship. So I'm confused when she quickly takes my helmet off. Didn't really have anything to say at this. So she didn't need to put her finger to my lips. Would of just stood gaping for a while till I knew what was happening.

 

'Don't talk. I need to assess the damage.' Her voice is cold and angry. I know better than to speak. Know better than to disobey her. She quickly glances at my neck. Trying not to think about it. Hurting more than a little. Kind of feels his hands are still there and they are scorching.

 

'I'm going to touch your neck in different places and I want you to make a noise, not a word when it hurts. Ok?' I nod once. I try to look at her face but it means looking down. She's quick to flick my head back up. So I stand still.

 

Wasn't comfortable with her hands at my neck at first. Just reminds of those nights and days. Sometimes she presses against an area and it hurts. I 'make a noise'. But eventually, I enjoy her hands touching my neck. They're cold, like always. They're like running cool water on a burn.

 

'Say something.'

 

Her voice takes me out of my thoughts. She sounds angry. More than a little angry. But her hands are gentle. Wonder what she's angry about. I try and think of something to say. Always awkward when a person says to deliberately think of something to say. All I can think about is wanting to hold her closer.

 

'I love you.'

 

Know that won't do. Guess I should just go for some bravado. 'I'm fine.'

 

She snorts at my reply. Think she knows it's not fine. I'm a little sad when she takes her hands away and moves as far away as she can, squatting down to take out some supplies from a case on her back. But she's quick to stand up again. She starts treating my neck, but I don't really feel it. Thinking too much of how close we are. Her forehead just in front of my lips. Would be so easy to kiss it. My heart starts beating faster and I hope she doesn't notice. Don't think she does. She just continues, face blank but I can feel her fuming.

 

She breaks away again and starts to mix and pack some things. She throws me a container I catch on reflex. Should take it twice a day to 'avoid swelling etc'. Never gave me this in those days. Suppose she was busy thinking of other things. Don't think she likes the reminder of those days. Don't know how to categorize them. But strangely, they make me more than a little happy. They bought me closer to her. And I think that made it all worth it.

 

'Thanks, cyare.'

 

After I say them, I remember why I wasn't talking. Takes a lot of effort not to flinch as she stands against me, her fist wrist deep in a dent in the ship. Don't like how close it was to being my neck. Know she wasn't aiming for me though. Seen enough dents like that in our ship to know it's her way of letting out some steam. Guess it's better than shooting someone.

 

Her lips are hardly two inches from mine. My backs against the wall and I can't move. So I stand still. And silent.

 

'Don't thank me for this.' Her voice is low and the angriest I've ever heard it. Guess I still don't know her as well as I think. Seems like you only see what's on the surface, and then that is taken away and you think you see her. But then more and more layers appear, and you take more and more away, and now I'm lost and don't know how many could be left. Feel I'm almost there. 'There is nothing to thank me for! My fault he did that. Should have predicted this happening. Wasn't thinking. Once this is over, I'm going to kill that f*****g bastard. Understand?'

 

Ah, I see.

 

For the first time since Nar Shaddaa, I feel hope. Like I have a chance. I open and close my mouth as she glares at me. Think I like her being this defensive of me. I know I like her loving me. I lean forward a little by little. I want nothing more than to kiss her. But when there's only a small gap between us, I pull back. Don't want this to go like this. I know this is for the best. But it still hurts. So I only nod.

 

'Good.' She goes back to her bag and starts to pack everything away. And my conviction shakes. Not sure I did make the right choice.

 

I crouch down next to her and take her clenched fist. 'But my point still stands.' I look into her eyes and I'm happy to know there's something past the anger. That will be enough, for now. Know if someone hurt her I'd want to kill them. She looks away as if she knows it shows. So I stand and take a step back. 'Thank you, cyare.'

 

She just shakes her head and doesn't bother to argue. As we walk back to the ship unchallenged, I notice she is a little dejected, walking a little slower and a little far away. And that distance only increases when we turn the corner to the hanger and Mako runs towards us. Cyare just walks a head and leaves me to bear Mako's questions alone. Want nothing more than to run after her and take her hand.

 

Cyare doesn't eat dinner with us and neither does Gault. So I'm quick to leave. Only I don't have a room to go to. Never bothered me before. Didn't need one. But now I need to think. So I spend a long time in the shower. Cyare stays in her room and every now and again, I hear a dull thud or crash. That night, I spend a lot of time wondering why I didn't kiss her when I had wanted to do nothing more.

 

What's stopping you?

 

-----

 

 

 

 

Note:

 

 

Edited October 22, 2012 by EverSteam

If it's not your best, it's pretty damned good.

I agree.

Torian... /swoon

Correlating to post 98 of When I Wake.

Hope you enjoy.

 

----

Belsavis

 

 

She still surprises me.

 

Didn't know she knew so much about biochem or botany. Didn't think she was one to care for plants. Especially flowers. Seems a little out of place with the rest of her. A little too sweet and innocent for her. But I like it. I like her surprising me like this.

 

Weird to walk with her like this. Guess that's mainly because there's nothing attacking us. Heard rumours of Belsavis. Mainly about the prison. But some on the creatures here. Excited to see them. And fight them. Don't think it gets much better than fighting on a new planet with Cyare.

 

She wanders off and stands still. I watch her blank face as she stares at one of the blue flowers. She looks a little sad and longing. She's so beautiful. Her skin looks cold and glowing like the snow she stands in. I just stand, smiling and alone, struck by incredibly beautiful she is.

 

My dreams come back to me. Trying to forget them. Find it hard whenever I look at her to imagine her being defeated. She's too strong for that. And I'd do anything to stop it from happening. Can't imagine a future without her. Doesn't mean I can always see her with me in the way I want. Just means I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't there at all. Guess I haven't done anything because I'm scared if I do, she'll reject me and leave me somewhere. Or shoot me. Rather be dead though than know she won't have me.

 

I walk over and pick up the flower, and look at it closely. Never seen it before. Suppose it is pretty. Nothing compared to her. I take a few hesitating steps forward. She doesn't back away, only watches me a little blankly. And a little warily. Want to make her smile. And tell her how much I love her.

 

I stand as close as I think I can get away with and raise my hand to put the flower behind her ear, like how she had the purple one on Taris. But she flinches away on reflex. Guess she still has a few reflexes from back then. Thought they might have gone away. Guess I was a little ahead of myself. I keep smiling but her reaction still hurt. She doesn't look at me and seems dejected. She doesn't step back or walk away. So I take that as permission and a 'I'm sorry.'

 

I slowly put it behind her ear, my hand still hovering near her face. I want to feel her hair in my hands as I kiss her. I want to tell her how beautiful she is. How much care for her. She slowly raises a hand to touch it as if not knowing what it is. She quickly looks at me; smile, raised hand and all. Her mouth opens and closes a little. I like it a lot. Good to know I can make her as speechless as she makes me.

 

Her eye wander to my neck. Still red and purple but getting a little better. Her expression becomes dark and angry again before she walks away, leaving me standing with a hand still reaching out to her. I shake my head and run to her. Refuse to let her walk away from me this time.

 

When I reach her, I take her cold hand in mine and match my stride to hers. She doesn't pull away and doesn't mind me moving closer. I can't stop smiling a little. But I can't look at her.

 

And I don't want to ever let her walk on alone again.

 

 

 

 

----

Please comment.

I know, Torian is getting pretty darn sweet. I'd stop it but I like it too much XD

I think it fits his character perfectly. I absolutely love it.

*throttles both of them* STOP HIDING AND TELL EACH OTHER HOW YOU FEEL!

 

Okay, I"m better now.

*throttles both of them* STOP HIDING AND TELL EACH OTHER HOW YOU FEEL!

 

Okay, I"m better now.

 

Lol, not sure even that would help those two. They're a little slow

 

I think it fits his character perfectly. I absolutely love it.

 

 

 

 

Later that night...

 

'What are you working on? Know what time it is, right?'

 

Too shocked by the sight of her to reply. Forget for a moment what I'm working on and lost track of time a while ago. I just stare at her. Thought she was hot in that dress back on Nar Shaddaa. Nothing compared to the shirt she's wearing. Guess it's the same as the one she's always worn. Just wasn't looking at her like that then. Wouldn't of been right to. Wasn't why I went to her room.

 

So leaning over the rail looking down at me in the dirty old shirt, she looks so amazingly hot. And I forget how to do anything; breathe, blink, my heart just stops and mind is wiped clean. Can only stare at her.

 

The torch splutters and it takes me back to now. I switch it off and she walks down. Unbelievable the way she walks so assured, ready for anything and a with confidence that nothing can hurt her even in an old shirt. That she can carry the world and it would be nothing. She sits on the large tool box across from me and stares at me. Panic for a second, thinking my thoughts had showed.

 

'New mod for your blaster. Was going to surprise you.' Don't think about the words and it seems like I'm listening to someone else. Hate how she does this to me. Way she makes me feel like a child because my mind empties and I can't speak. Way she makes me feel like I've never seen a woman before. Just never seen a woman as beautiful as her.

 

Only her shifting shows her how uncomfortable she is. The way her hands move to her arms and back as her face still expresses the same challenge and amusement to the world. But as she shifts again, I realise my mask is still down. Shake my head and raise it. Had forgotten I was wearing it. Without the mask tinting my view, she's even my breath taking. Before I force my eyes to move to above her head, I notice her staring at my chest. My turn to shift uncomfortably. Don't need to look to know she's smirking. She seems to never miss anything.

 

'Didn't know you could craft. What else can you do?'

 

My lips twitch a little. Know she meant crafting. But when she's dressed like that, can't help but think of other things. 'Mods, enhancements, anything small and needing fine details. Not as good at larger armour. Competent, but barely.' Speak without thinking. Slower than usual to gather my thoughts.

 

She nods and I can tell she is calculating the usefulness of this and storing the information away. Forget sometimes we're just assets to help her achieve a few goals. The more things we do, the more likely it is we won't get kicked out or left for dead. She never says it. But I know it's true. Explains why Gault is here, why Mako hasn't been shot and why Blizz is on board at all. Think part of the last might of been for me. Didn't hide the fact I liked the Jawa. Still do. Just wish he spent less time with Mako.

 

'Got anything else you've made around? Would like to see.' I smile a little and nod. Knew she'd want to assess the extent of the skill. Factor it in to her calculations. Makes me a little sad she reverts to this. Was hoping I was becoming more than a set of skills to be used. More than a 'stupid Mando punk'. Can still feel her slender cold fingers in mine. Her smiles she gives me and no one else. Hope it's not in my head. As I go over to my bed and pick up a few things, I stop thinking such worthless things. Doesn't matter why I'm here, only that I am. And that I stay here.

 

I pull on a shirt before going back over, and pick up some rum and glasses as well as the crate. Idly think we all drink too much. Especially Gault and Cyare. Never seems to effect her. Seen her drink three bottles and not slur a word. Think half our money is spent on keeping up the supply of alcohol. Don't mind. Don't know what we'd do if it wasn't drinking.

 

I put them on the crate next to her and walk back. Take the blanket off my bed and put in on the shoulders. Can go back to normal now. Can start actually thinking again. Don't think she knows how distractingly gorgeous she is. Way the shirt is tight around her chest and hangs on hips. Only thing she doesn't know she's great at. Don't find her arrogance grinding like I did like on others. Guess hers is more founded. And it drives me to work harder. Want the day to come when my count is higher than hers or I finally get a hit in practice. Want to be her equal. And want to be able to protect her. Don't want to be a burden or nuisance.

 

I sit down across from her and take out mods, enhancements and barrels. She sees it isn't empty before I move away. She picks it up and starts to take things out, looking at each carefully. I open mouth to tell her they're nothing special, just something to pass the time. But I don't. It's too late and I could never deny her.

 

Stare at her closely when she pulls out the flower. Wait for her to show recognition. Think she might realise how I feel. But if she does, she doesn't comment. I look away when she glances at me. Wasn't how I wanted any of this to go.

 

'They're good. Pretty impressive, Torian.' Her voice is a little indifferent. I still feel proud. Do anything to impress her. She slowly packs them away and moves on to asking other questions, pouring more rum every now and again. Glad she didn't ask questions about them. Wonder if she knew I didn't want her too.

 

'Show me how to make them one day?' I like her taking an interest in this. Way she becomes so alive and animated. Like how she wants to know everything and quickly sets out to learn what she doesn't. And I like teaching her.

 

'Can now, if you like.' Feel a little nervous. Know I'm only offering to show how to craft. Really offer because I don't want to miss her; don't want to her to go up stairs when I can't follow. Want her stay with me.

 

Since seeing Tormen, dreams seem to be back. Don't know what to do. Doesn't feel right to go and hold her hand like I did then. Want nothing more than to do that, though. So I lie awake, trying to stop my own nightmares and feeling relieved to just know that she is alive.

 

She nods and I hand her a mask, gesturing for her to come over. She sits next to me hesitantly. I shake my head. She won't be able to see properly from there. Tell myself it's the only reason I move her to my lap. Like how she fits their perfectly. Move my arms around and concentrate on what I'm doing, giving a run down on what things are and how to achieve different things through different techniques. She sits quietly, listening and taking it in. I can imagine her storing the information away neatly.

 

Too soon, Mako appears. Starting to get tired of her. Her constant flirting, way she hangs around and complains. Remember the conversation I overheard between her and Cyare after I came aboard. 'Stupid Mando punk,' huh? Don't know when she stopped thinking of me like that. Guess it was a gradual thing. Felt a little hurt at it. And angry. Still went killing with her. Not sure things have changed sometimes though. Still seems so long ago. Guess it's those words that hold me back.

 

Mako stops and looks at us suspiciously. 'What are you two doing? It's dawn already.' Become aware again of Cyare's body on mine. Takes a lot of effort to control a response. When Mako's eyes close into a glare, I want to wrap my arms around her and protect her.

 

When we don't respond she shrugs quickly in irritation. 'Whatever. I'm going to make some breakfast. Want any?' She looks pointedly at me. Feel angry at the way she ignores Cyare. I only turn off the torch and shake my head. Easy choice between the two: breakfast with a Jawa and her, or sitting with my Mandalorian Cyare. Cyare wins every time.

 

Mako walks away with Blizz, and I sigh. Gonna have to tell her I'm not interested soon. Thought she'd take a hint. She seems oblivious as Cyare to how I feel. She slides off my lap and I carry on packing up as if I don't feel sad at her leaving. She heads for the shower.

 

I frown at the crate with the flower. Take it out from the bottom and hold it for a moment. Decide what I'm going to do in that instant. Been waiting too long.

 

I move to my corner and pick up a spare piece of cloth. Find some paper lying around and quickly write the second thing that comes to mind. Mako wanders back in as I finish the short note. She looks at me suspiciously and stares at the flower.

 

'What's that?'

 

I glance up at her and put the note and flower in the silk. 'Something for her.' I practically run to her room and stop in the door way. Can't believe this is her room. Not the same as I remember. Desks still in the corner near the door. Cupboard above it has a lock and chain on it. Can guess what's in there. Remember the broken viles from before and guess that's where her serum is. Don't get the lock part though.

 

Everything else is moved too. Beds an island in the middle of the room. Moved away from the wall and the small tables on either side are now in a corner of the room. There's another case in the far left corner, three padlocks around it. Don't know what's in there. Not sure I want to. Wonder what she's been doing in here.

 

Guess it's worse than I thought. Her beds unmade but I don't think that's because of something deeper. Small things like that show she didn't grow up as a Mandalorian. Makes the droid keep the ship clean, but it still has piles of disarray. Still meets most of the code of Mando life. Just needs more personal discipline. Shows the rest of us more discipline than a Mando Commander.

 

I move to her bed and begin to make it. When I'm done, I put the present on the corner of her bed and leave. Go down and change into armour, pick up some sort of food and pace around the ship. Not sure what happens now.

 

Just know I keep these feeling poorly hidden from sight any longer.

 

 

 

-----

 

 

 

And there you go.

Little different from the others... hope everyone still like it

Little different from the others... hope everyone still like it

 

Well of course I like it! It's Torian!

Well of course I like it! It's Torian!

 

That is true... Torian is great

It's interesting. My bh was not at all romantically interested in Torian. She felt older than him, more like a sister, comrade-in-arms than anything else. Tried a flirt or two but it was all wrong. Now I'm kind of tempted to make a second bh, see how it might go with a different character, different personality. Cause I loves your Torian Loves him to ittle bitty pieces

It's interesting. My bh was not at all romantically interested in Torian. She felt older than him, more like a sister, comrade-in-arms than anything else. Tried a flirt or two but it was all wrong. Now I'm kind of tempted to make a second bh, see how it might go with a different character, different personality. Cause I loves your Torian Loves him to ittle bitty pieces

 

Yeah, I think what sold it to me was the early conversation where he asks if he can ask you something (he does that a lot) and just says point blank out of the blue 'are you seeing anyone?' Thought my BH would like someone direct but not sleazy, and someone sweet but not like Corso.

I also decided to make Torian older than I think he is and older than my BH. Though some people think he's 29, I decided to make it more 27 or 28, though really I think he would be around 24.

He is sweet, isn't he?? XD

I am loving this insight into Torian, and wanted to tell you that I blame you for the Mandalorian wedding scene I just wrote for one of my stories (Akaavi married).

I am loving this insight into Torian, and wanted to tell you that I blame you for the Mandalorian wedding scene I just wrote for one of my stories (Akaavi married).

 

Mandalorians for all!

Edited October 28, 2012 by EverSteam