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The Life that's Left


EverSteam

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The Life that's Left

 

Contains no BH spoilers (I don't think it will) though will include I.A and Trooper spoilers eventually.

Continuation of my female bounty hunter fanfiction When I Wake, so it's post game.

Here's a link to When I Wake: http://www.swtor.com/community/showthread.php?t=536484

 

 

Nar Shaddaa: Two months later...

 

 

I walk around the ship.

 

I sit in my throne for a long time. I thought about moving these crates. Changing them. As if that could change what happened. Or the way I feel. But I know it can't. And I couldn't find the strength to do it. There's dust on the table. No one eats there anymore. Not anyone here to eat on them anyway.

 

I sit for a long time. Sometimes, I almost expect him to walk through the door. Back from a hunt. That I am staying up waiting for him. But these fantasies and lapses only injure. Only make it worse. Because the reality I keep having to realise hurts so very, very bad. And every time I realise, it only hurts more. He will never walk through the door again. Don't think that will ever stop hurting.

 

After the sobs subside, I become aware of a heart beat. Wouldn't be strange if I knew I wasn't the only one on the ship. I listen. It's coming from Gault's room. I get up and walk over, opening the door with no caution. I'd know that swift heart beat anywhere.

 

Gault's sitting on his bed. Staring at his hands. I get the feeling things didn't go well on his end either. Had forgotten about him almost. Assumed him dead.

 

How'd you find me? When did you get back?' I hostilely open with. I'd rather not get touchy feely with Gault. I lean against the door frame and watch him.

 

'Didn't take long to. And oh, a little while. Wasn't exactly in a talkative mood.' I can't be bothered standing anymore. I sink down onto the other bed and lie on my back.

 

'Seriously. How did you find me? Changed the ships codes and erased everything about it prior.'

 

'Heard about that. Did you really have to kill them all?' He asks incredulously.

 

I shrug and smirk. 'Wasn't exactly in a talkative mood.'

 

Gault grunts and we lapse into silence. 'So taken a new name?'

 

I grunt an assent. 'Yeah. How'd you know it was me?'

 

'Not many other female, red haired cyborgs in the galaxy that like mass destruction the way you do.' Almost chuckle in reply. Got a point there. Think if there was someone like me I'd kill them. Then why is It still in your engine room?

 

'You've been gone eleven weeks, Gault. What the **** have you been doing?' I needed you. Reject the thought before it finishes forming. I don't know where it came from but I don't need it. Or want it.

 

'Missed me, did you?' Gault rolls onto his side to look at me. If I looked, I'd see that he wasn't mocking or grinning. But I don't.

 

I shake my head and keep looking at the ceiling. 'Don't be stupid, T- Gault. It's only annoying.'* My lips press together in a tight line. Need to get my head straight. Why won't my head get straight?

 

'Take that as a yes. Don't think blondie would like to hear that.' He wryly smiles at me but I don't say anything. Feel a knife of guilt go through me.

 

'Been on a soul searching cruise for the last nine weeks here on Nar Shaddaa,' Gault continues. 'Really think I wouldn't hear about your ship being docked here?'

 

'Let me guess: searching your soul involved sleeping with every hot female that was willing and rich - though maybe after six weeks your standards of beauty dropped - and drinking as much of anything you could get your hands on,' I dryly comment back, ignoring the second half of what he said.

 

Wonder if Gault came as soon as he heard. Wouldn't be surprised if he's got a tracker on my ship. Though it is surprising he came back. Thought his self preservation was stronger than that. I don't know what I would have done to him if he had been there. I only know I don't feel like killing him at this moment. But moments always end.

 

'Well, yes,' he admits with no shame. 'And I think I'm going to continue this soul searching now as the results of the past nine weeks has been immensely limited.'

 

He sits up and twists an arm to reach under the bed, looking for something. When he can't feel it, he climbs off the bed and looks underneath. He sits up and scowls at me when he can't find anything.

 

'Didn't think you'd ever be back,'** I say with a grin. Comes so natural I don't even question how I can do it. He looks wounded and lies back down on the other bed.

 

'Obviously,' Gault sardonically replies with a roll of his eyes. 'Don't want to help me with the other half of my soul searching then?' He asks suggestively, patting the empty space of bed next to him.

 

'Keep dreaming, Gault.' I roll my eye.

 

'Trust me, I will.' I scoff in reply and we lapse into silence.

 

'My pipe dream with Hylo went down about how you'd have expected,' he says eventually.

 

'Well. I'm here if you want to talk. And I'm here even if you don't - you are on my ship.' Feel a flicker of amusement in that I almost sound like I used to just within a few minutes of seeing Gault again. Guess Gault's the closest thing I've ever had to a friend. I think that comes in the top five of sad things about my life. Definitely at the top of the most pathetic.

 

I can't find the strength to move or smile. I need to sleep. Haven't in a while. Came to Nar Shaddaa as a break. Only left the ship once in the two days I've been docked here. First night in a cantina turned out like how all my nights in a cantina do. Least I gave the bartender some compensation this time.

 

'Not exactly in the habit of pouring my heart out but...' Gault sighs, rolling onto his back and pressing his hands against his eyes. 'After all these years I finally caught up with her and she hadn't changed a bit.'

 

If I didn't think I knew better, I would have thought there was something a little disappointed and bitter in his voice; like he had finally tasted a lolly he had once as a child and now he is older it isn't as sweet.

 

He doesn't talk for a while. And I can't be bothered speaking. When he does, he tells me she was the same. She had been in a stasis chamber. To her, it was still raw and the other day. Don't think it would have mattered how much time had passed. Sometimes, time only makes things worse.

 

'She took off the first chance she got. Hardly the reunion I was looking for but at least I got her out of there. That counts for something, right?' His voice is pleading. He needs to hear it does. We all need to hear something. I'm never going to hear what I want to again.

 

So I shrug. And mumble something undefined. Something about being 'stuck like that forever otherwise'. If he had never come. Never gone to her. Never tried to help her. The thought hurts. I'm not thinking of Hylo and I'm not thinking of Gault.

 

'She deserved better than that. And I'm not Lokai anymore. It took seeing her again to realise that.' He doesn't talk for a while. 'Hey, who needs love anyway... thanks.'

 

I don't say anything. I can't. I'm crying in my own way again. I don't need love. Just him. I'm back to where I started. Only this time, it hurts a lot more.

 

Gault leaves. Something about getting drunk. I don't think he realises I won't be docked here in the morning. And that everyone on the ship is gone.

 

Who does need love anyway?

 

 

 

 

----

 

 

* Parallel to what she said to Torian at one point: "Don't be so stupid. It's not that cute." Thus the slip in names.

** Torian and BH drink Gault's wine after he leaves.

 

 

----

 

Inconsequential note:

I'm not going to say anything on what she's been doing for the past two months. You'll just have to keep reading and find out. :p

Only going to say one more thing before shutting up: there is a singularly important line in there (the passage that is, not my rambling) though I suppose it's a little too obvious by itself to really need this hint. :o but there you go anyway. :D

I'm feeling very nervous about this by the way so be patient and nice :o

 

Edited by EverSteam
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A week later on an outer rim world...

 

 

I drag myself back to the ship.

 

The useless droid comes down the ramp and pulls me up it. I wave his pathetic attempts at healing me away when inside and sit alone. After a while, I get undressed in my empty, torn room. I don't even throw the armour on the floor. I more just drop it and let the clang deafen my ears.

 

I heal myself as best as I can be f***ed. Made some stupid mistakes out there. Was preoccupied. I put on some form of clothing. No one around to see me but me. Seeing myself is the last thing I want.

 

I inject some serum. I don't feel anything.

 

I call to the droid to bring some wine. It silently follows my orders and I idly wonder when I'll bother using the one under a sheet, shut down and in the ships cage. Really do wonder what kind of people had this ship before me if they have their own cage, a frozen man and crates full of alcohol. Far from complaining though. Definitely my kind of ship.

 

I sit in the cold and dark of the cargo hold. Alone except for dust. Haven't sat here since Gault's visit. Don't regret leaving the Devaronian. Was for his best. Since when were you so self sacrificing?

 

I pour myself some wine into the glass that the droid brings. I drink it quickly. So I give up using the glass.

 

I start to talk. Because part of me sees him there. I tell him of the days battles. It's been many. Haven't stopped till everything for 10,000 miles was destroyed. Will be provided with a reward for a fifth of it. Rest I just did anyway. Leaving here tonight. Don't know where I'll head next. Find it hard to run away from something I'm carrying with me. But I just can't do anything yet.

 

I go upstairs and sit in front on the holo terminal on the ground, pulling the warm and waiting blanket around my shoulders. I play back the last message.

 

Blizz appears, flickering to grey and blue life.

 

'Hey, Boss. Blizz back on Tatooine now. Landed today,' he begins. It's always the same. 'Hey, Boss,' and then tells me where they have moved to.

 

Blizz goes on to describe the things they're finding, people they're meeting, things they're delivering and just everything he's been doing. He sends me a message every three days. Has been ever since he left without fail despite never receiving a reply.

 

I laugh sometimes at the adventures or misunderstandings he tells. He seems happy when he talks about it. But then the end comes and it's always the same.

 

'Blizz miss you, Boss. Blizz is waiting for you. Blizz hope you are ok and will come soon so Blizz can be home again. Blizz needs to keep Torian promise and misses Torian. Boss be safe. Blizz wait to hear from you.'

 

Always shake my head and hold the yearning and hurt inside me. I refuse to cry. I don't want to cry. So I only sit with a stoney face and replay it again and again. Sometimes, I cut the play back before he says good bye and just listen to the Jawa's happy chatter as if he were here. But tonight, I can only listen to the same line again and again, telling myself that no matter how it hurts, I won't cry. And I won't call Blizz.

 

'Blizz needs to keep Torian promise and misses Torian.'

 

When I come to, I am lying on the floor in front of the holoterminal, twisted in blankets.

 

My chest hurts. My lungs to be specific. Not much else there too hurt. I walk outside in a daze.

 

I lie down on my back on the cargo ramp, and look up to the stars. For every star that clutters the sky, I can think of all the little things I miss. I never thought they would mean everything to me - the things beyond his smiles. Beyond his company. His presence. His voice. His touch. His love. His eyes. His laughter. His hair. His proud stride. His anger. His honour. His fighting. His sweat. His words. His silence. His serious expression. His body. His lips. His arms. His heart. His warmth. His breathing. His everything.

 

Guess everything about him always meant everything to me. Just means even more now. I knew what I had already. I didn't need to lose it to know. But this doesn't make it hurt any less. Because he still isn't here.

 

I miss him.

 

I admit this to myself in these hours. Silently and alone. Have no one else to say them to. I guess that's my fault. Even if Skadge were here, I would never say it to him. Or lower myself as to admit it to Mako. I don't know what I'd say to Gault. I don't think I'd need to tell him. And if Blizz were here, I would never feel anything else. But it's all you ever think anyway... I shake my head. This ship and everything on it is no place for something like Blizz.

 

I miss you, Torian. Do you miss me?

 

But such a small word doesn't do justice to it. Seems lots of words are too small and narrow to suitably express anything.

 

I just need him to be again.

 

Guess it is that simple. When will this start to be alright?

 

I get up and go to the c*ckpit. I start to type coordinates but stop when I realize what I'm doing. Taris, huh? But I know there's nothing left for me there. I made sure of that. It doesn't have my answer. Because I already know it too well.

 

This will never be alright. I will never be alright.

 

And he isn't there waiting for me.

 

 

----

 

 

Just a short one.

Still organizing what will happen when in my head and then have to write it and all...

Just going to say... poor, sweet, innocent and loyal Blizz.

 

Edited by EverSteam
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'Blizz miss you, Boss. Blizz is waiting for you. Blizz hope you are ok and will come soon so Blizz can be home again. Blizz needs to keep Torian promise and misses Torian. Boss be safe. Blizz wait to hear from you.'

 

Shoot, I need to remind myself not to read this at work. Crying is not professional.

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@Hoyden: Did you really cry at your work?? :o

I'm glad you liked it. :)

 

@Milani: :) in :( kind of way

 

 

 

----

 

 

The routine...

 

 

Check outside of ship for trackers.

 

Enter the ship. Don't hesitate.

 

Stop. Listen. Nothing.

 

Thermal look. Nothing.

 

Check the droid. Locked and down. Don't think.

 

Quick sweep of ships interior for trackers. Avoid engine room. Don't look back.

 

Walk to the refresher. Get undressed. Clean knives and cybernetics. Have shower. Wash hair. Dry body. Get dressed. Don't grieve.

 

Take serum. Go downstairs. Cook (Optional). Eat (Also optional). Work out. Practice. Shower again. Don't miss.

 

Check the ships status. Set course if needed. Fix anything. Don't regret.

 

Go to bed. Sleep for 1.3 hours. Wake as soon as dreams begin. Don't dream.

 

Work out. Practice. Shower. Sleep again. Wake. Don't remember.

 

Check holo messages. Think of Gault. Watch Blizz's latest message. Cry (optional). Take serum. Sleep. Don't feel.

 

Wake. Shower. Work out. Shower. Get dressed. Eat. Leave. Kill. Return in days. Only get revenge.

 

Repeat.

 

 

 

----

 

 

 

A/N:

'Here Without You' by 3 Doors Down came on the radio and all it made me think of was post-Torian BH and I felt inspired to write this short piece on her routine that is generally followed.

 

Edited by EverSteam
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@Hoyden: Did you really cry at your work?? :o

I'm glad you liked it. :)

I did actually, thankfully got it under control before more than a tear or two escaped. Ugh, I am such a sap, which is why I generally avoid things that are likely to make me cry lol.

 

Losing someone is terrible, but their absence from the normal routine of the day - that empty spot they used to fill, sounds they used to make - that part is worse in some ways. Like the whole universe is off tilt.

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Three days later... (after post #4)

 

 

My fingers jab in the code for the force field. I have no choice any more. I need someone to be with me for arms support when the time comes. This droid should serve as good as any deceitful, repulsive mercenary. And I don't have to pay a droid. Though I most likely would kill the mercenary...

I slowly take the sheet down, turning my targeting on and letting my turret slowly come up. I watch the droid suspiciously and then reboot him.

 

The bright, yellow slits for eyes flicker to life and its head rises. Something in me is repelled by this droid while something else is drawn to it. Guess the mixed feeling is why it has stayed yet always been turned off. I'm scared this droid will be a reflection of myself once you take away the thin layer of skin any lingering humanity that he left me with.

 

'Report: one moment, master. I must ascertain my capabilities and run a system diagnostic.'

 

I nod and step back. And the minutes go by. But I don't move and I don't take my eyes from the droid. Something tells me I should never take my eyes off this droid. And I have nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. So I stand. And wait.

 

And after an hour and a half it speaks again in crackling, high tones that make me feel a little less human.

 

'Declaration: I have completed a full analysis of my functions, master.'

 

'Really? Are you sure you don't need another two hours?' I ask mordantly.

 

'No, master. That will not be necessary. I am ready to liquidate high-threat undesirables with one-hundred percent efficiency, as the Maker intended.'

 

'Mmm, that's nice,' I reply with faux absentmindedness that thinly hides a strong acrimony that never leaves my speech or thoughts; an animosity directed at a fate I didn't chose, a mistake I was foolish enough to make, a continually insidious galaxy, and a hatred I have for myself and everything connected with what I am.

 

The bitter words and attitude escape before I can think of an alternative and I lack the energy, will and reason to change. But what doesn't even terrify or disgust me anymore, is that I have stopped caring. The nights I spend with Blizz's holos is an echo of what I was that slips through the cracks in my loosening grasp; a small flame of a woman who once cared for something beyond herself. That light will soon go out and I will finally open my engine room. I only need a little more patience and a little more life.

 

'Enthusiastic reply: yes, master! It is very nice to exterminate organics. I am glad you also feel this way.' The droids voice almost does sound excited and I stare at it squarely for a long time.

 

I come to a conclusion on my course of action. I think this droid will be a suitable companion. Though like my last droid it also seems inclined to talking, this new one at least can kill people and won't try to repaint my ship, continually fail me, continuously clean or generally disappoint or aggravate me in every way imaginable.

 

'I do. We land on Ilum in three hours. It will be the testing grounds of your capabilities as there are some bases on the other side of the planet still standing. If your abilities do not meet my standards, I will disassemble you immediately and sell whatever is left of you.'

 

'Prideful declaration: My capabilities at eliminating organics is the best in the galaxy, master! You will not find a better droid for the elimination of undesired organics.'

 

'You will have to prove this. Your word is not enough,' I sternly reply. 'I do not trust you, droid. If you betray me, endanger my life, cross me or speak against me, I will destroy you like I did the rest of my crew. Am I clear?'

 

'Reply: Crystal clear, master. I will follow any orders given to me by my master.'

 

A wave of uneasiness passes through me but I smother it. I cannot see a reason for the droid to kill me yet. But the scathing sarcasm and patronisation was unmistakable.

 

'Good. I am being hunted, droid, and if you prove yourself, you will be needed to eliminate any assassin sent after me. No one is to enter this ship but me. No one is to walk within ten feet of this ship but me. If someone enters or comes within that distance, shoot them without question.'

 

That is enough of an order for now. My other need of him can come later. It isn't time for that. Not yet.

 

'Oath: While aboard your starship, I will retain a constant vigilance. You can rest easy here. Your absolute security occupies my every calculation. I anticipate liquidating a great many undesirables in your service, master.'

 

I give him a vicious grin. 'Trust me, droid, if this works out, we'll be killing more organics than your little mechanic brain could ever dream of.'

 

'Excited exclamation: I look forward to it, master.'

 

'Good. Now shut yourself down.'

 

'Of course, master.' His eyes go dark and his metal head hangs once more. But I don't trust it. So I reboot the cage and don't take the holo cam off it. It doesn't move all night.

 

And so we land on Ilum.

 

 

 

----

 

 

 

She can't be alone forever and a HK droid definitely makes a better companion then Mako or Skadge. I have no comment on Gault or Blizz. (And it goes without saying that Torian would forever be the best companion ;))

 

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Comment: I find your choice of companion perfectly deadly and rampage-appropriate :D

 

On another note: Already when 'When I wake' ended I had this image in my head of Blizz walking around in any spaceport speaking randomly to people asking them: "Hey, have you seen Boss? Boss big and strong... and a little scary sometimes. But Boss nice. Blizz needs to go back to Boss." Listening to his holomessages saddened me even more. *goes looking for a plush Jawa*

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To all on HK: I think she might too. But it's a little complicated with her at the moment. I'm sure it will be a love hate relationship on her part.

 

On another note: Already when 'When I wake' ended I had this image in my head of Blizz walking around in any spaceport speaking randomly to people asking them: "Hey, have you seen Boss? Boss big and strong... and a little scary sometimes. But Boss nice. Blizz needs to go back to Boss." Listening to his holomessages saddened me even more. *goes looking for a plush Jawa*

 

.... You just gave me a great idea for far in the future :D many thanks :D

And yeah, Blizz is sweet. And loyal. I can say no more on the Blizz front.

 

----

 

 

On Ilum...

 

 

Duck. Slash. Shoot. Dodge. Duck. Shoot. Shoot. Left. Right. Jump. Flame thrower. Slash. Shoot.

 

Blizz should call tonight.

 

Stop. Rest. Assess droids damage. Tighten armour straps. Wipe blood off my face. Begin again.

 

Wonder if he's still on Tatooine.He mentioned moving on to...

Run. Jump. Slash. Roll. Shoot. Jab. Grenade. Jump. Left. Shoot. Move on.

 

Wonder if he's ok and he got the price he wanted for the...

 

Shoot. Duck. Dodge. Flame thrower. Roll. Pull. Stab. Shoot. Duck. Throw. Shoot. Right. Left. All clear.

 

Does he really miss me? Or are his feelings from an obligation to Torian?

 

Run. Grenade. Rocket. Jump. Stab. Shoot. Pull. Stab. Flame thrower. Roll. Slash. Kick. Shoot.

Does it really matter? You're not going to call.

 

Stop. Rest. Survey.

 

Why am I alive, Torian?

 

Anger rushes through me and I move on. Time to kill some more.

 

 

 

----

 

 

 

I know that was short. I've been writing something for far into the future while inspired. And also perfecting the passage for the next post.

 

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Yay, I could provide inspiration for... something.

 

This last piece somehow reminds me of how the combat against the weaker enemies in the open world of this game works, for me at least. Constant moving, constant acting, while my thoughts are rather with the companion alongside me or with other characters.

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Yay, I could provide inspiration for... something.

You will see, yes, you will see. :D

Only it won't be for a while... darn chronological order :mad:;)

This last piece somehow reminds me of how the combat against the weaker enemies in the open world of this game works, for me at least. Constant moving, constant acting, while my thoughts are rather with the companion alongside me or with other characters.

As was my intention. I'm glad you liked it.:)

 

 

-----

 

An aside:

Sorry for my absence/delay. I was on holiday att he beach since it's summer down here and there was no internet access for my laptop.

Hopefully these two long and enjoyable passages will make up for it. :)

 

 

-----

 

 

Three days later...

 

 

'Cadera, this is Corridan.'

 

'Good to see you Corridan,' I stiffly reply as I gaze up at the Mandoalorian large holo image. It's far from good to see him. 'Good' could never be attributed to the agony this is causing me already.

 

'You as well. How have you been? I heard about Manaan.' I clench my fists. 'Surprised you made it out of there alive.' A pleasant way to put it. But I'm not going to bite the hook no matter what hangs off or how kind it looks.

 

'I've been fine. Is that all you called for?'

 

'As conversational and friendly as ever, I see.' Corridan pauses for a moment and then continues as if giving a brief re-evaluation of strategy before the carefully planned assault. 'Yes and no. Been worried about you. Torian was almost family and that makes you family too. Seeing the reports makes me wonder how your bearing up.'

 

Corridan pauses and as he does I end my scrutiny of him. His face has become more haggard since I last saw him. More lines have been added to harsh waves already there and his hair is greyer. It almost pains me to see it. I don't want to know the change Torian's death has caused on me. But I don't think the wounds are external.

 

'I'm doing fine, Ordo. Your concern is unnecessary,' I formerly reply. I pause as he solemnly nods, looking far from convinced. 'Did you only call to try and keep your rogue Mandalorian in line?'

 

'If you went traitor, it wouldn't be a call you would be getting,' he retorts sternly. 'Think Mandalore himself would come after your head.'

 

'You mean I'd finally get a father daughter reunion?' I ask patronisingly.

 

'Watch it, Cadera,' Corridan sternly replies.

 

'Don't call me that, Ordo.'

 

'Don't like the reminder?' he baits me on.

 

'Yes. Would you like the reminder of losing the person you loved entirely? Oh, I forgot, Mandalorians aren't like everyone else. Love isn't part of your creed. You don't even have a word for it.'

 

'Isn't the end when you lose them,' he passively replies, not flinching once at my attack. Guess we have to tell ourselves something nice to help us sleep at night. But words can't fill the empty space of the bed next to you or your gaping heart.

 

'It was for me!' I angrily spit.

 

Corridan stares at me with barely contained anger now. I over stepped a line. But all I'm doing is speaking my mind. Rare event I should engage in more often.

 

'Not going to hang up?' I ask after a pause of us staring each other down.

 

'Not yet.'

 

'Good.' Closest to an apology I can do and he knows it was meant as one. 'What about you, Corridan? How are you really? I heard your squadron had a close win the other week.'

 

'They did. Those we lost died in the greatest honour,' he replies with evasive solemnity.

 

'That's not telling me how you are though.'

 

'I'm how you would expect. Few better than Torian.'

 

'I know,' I quietly whisper.

 

'We could use you in this war you know. Could help save many lives.'

 

'Instead of taking them from both sides?' He doesn't nod or disagree, only stares at me with stern eyes. 'I'm a little busy these days, Corridan Ordo, as you seem to have noticed.'

 

'I did notice. Is this all because you lost Torian?'

 

'I told you I would kill them all,' I answer coldly.

 

'And I didn't believe you. You've proved you meant it. Now end it. Do you really think Torian would want this?'

 

'I never knew what Torian wanted,' I irately answer. He's prodding wound with an electrostaff and all it does is make this rancor bite back.

 

'He wanted you.'

 

'And he had me. Now he's gone and that's the end of it.'

 

'Forgotten marriage vows already?'

 

'I haven't forgotten anything!' I shout in reply, slashing my bladed hand through the air.

 

'Then come fight with us. Torian wouldn't want Clan Cadera to lose the honour he fought hard with you to gain. Really want to be the one that does that?'

 

'No. But I will not fight for the Empire,' I reply resolutely.

 

'I see you can't be persuaded. I'm glad you're doing well. Just don't do something you might regret. We'll be waiting for you.'

 

'Don't hold your breath,' I childishly retort.

 

'I will.' Fool. 'Corridan out.'

 

The image disappears and my eyes are left to only stare ahead at the wall that is now revealed. I see movement in my peripheral and glare at the droid.

 

'Let's go killing, droid.'

 

 

 

-----

 

 

 

A week later...

 

 

 

When I dream, he is there.

 

The dream is always different and changing. But in the start, we are sitting and laughing. Always it starts like this. He is grinning at whatever it is I am saying. I am laughing and thump my hand on the crate in front of me. His eyes are bright. So blue.

 

My smile always softens and I think about kissing him. Because I am so very happy he is mine. I want to touch him to know he really is mine. And is really there. So I lean in to kiss him and shift his hair back into place.

But then the dream always changes. Shifts and twists. Some are better than others. But all end the same. More or less.

 

Sometimes, we are suddenly hunting in a changing landscape. The environment around us flickers and blends from one planet to another: Hoth's snow in the city of Corellia; Voss infected with rahkgouhls; Tatooine cracked with lava and purple flowers blooming under my feet and spreading outwards, further and further. He is there. And I am happy. But I still feel that fear. It grows so strong I cry out to him but he can't hear me.

 

And then it shifts.

 

I am on the table in my cell. They are cutting into my skin and the pain is so very, very unbearable. But I look around and see Torian safe and smiling. So the pain lessons. It is ok. Because he is ok.

 

And then the end comes. Sometimes, I am the one that shoots him. Other times, it is the General. Or the Chancellor. Or Tormen. Or the Supreme Guard. Nothing hurts more than the first. And no matter what I do, he always dies. And I am left not even being able to cry over his lifeless body as it turns to ashes in my arms and the smell of rotting flesh and smoke fills my nose.

 

When I wake, I am dry and alert with the olfactory hallucination lingering like something real.

 

I begin to work out or practice. I like to think it's because it clears my mind and I no longer think of the dream or what I've done. But that's not true. No matter what I do, the gaping void he's left is still there and the pain of being sucked into it doesn't go.

 

I hear a noise in the ship.

 

It shakes me out of my reverie. I wonder why I hadn't heard them before. The heartbeat. I know it.

 

Gault is back.

 

I'm not quite sure if I should smile or groan. Don't know how he found me this time. Maybe he has a tracker on the ship. Wouldn't be surprised. What does surprise me is how he got past HK. I shake my head impatiently as I remember the droid constant clatter irritated me so I shut it down tonight. Lucky you, Gault.

 

I go downstairs in my sleeping shirt and find him rummaging through an empty cupboard, looking for food. It's been empty for a while. Food is becoming more of a self imposed luxury than a necessity.

 

Gault turns in surprise to me. He is smiling broadly.

 

'Looking for anything in particular? Or did you travel all the way across the galaxy for just a sandwich?' I ask as I lean against the doorframe.

 

He comes to me and takes my arm and pulls me over to the dusty crates. I'm too tired to fight it. And I don't entirely flinch at the touch either. I've missed him. And that is a very, very strange thing.

 

'You wouldn't believe what happened! Hylo said she's willing to take me back if I prove to her she means more to me than me.' He sounds proud and excited in a childish way. It gives me a strange urge to pat him on the head like he was a small boy and give the distant response of an apathetic parent: 'that's nice, dear.'

 

I roll my eye. 'Guess she's not going to be taking you back then,' I comment mordantly.

 

Gault laughs and shakes his head. 'Very true. I sent her a reasonable slice of my fortune though.'

 

I raise an eyebrow and look at him expectantly. I don't see how this has caused him to end up on my ship and trying to eat my food. He seems pleased with the last bit of information and I wonder if he's drunk or on spice.

 

'So where is everyone anyway?' Gault asks instead of supplying answers. He looks around as if to double check it is as he said. 'Notice all the rooms are empty and the food is greener than usual.'

 

'Skadge is dead. I killed him just over two months ago. Same goes for Mako,' I reply with immediate ease. 'Blizz is on Tatooine last I heard. I destroyed the droid a week ago. And now you're here and I also think being alone is better than that.' I shrug my shoulders and tell myself I didn't leave anyone off the list. I don't mean my new droid.

 

'Alone except for your pet Mandalorian?' Gault doesn't miss a beat.

 

'No.'

 

'Ah, I'm guessing he's off fighting for honour and glory and all that crap somewhere in the galaxy on a glorious battlefield. Guess your beds a little lonely. I can keep you company in it if you want. I never asked you how good he was. Always wondered what a Mandalorian is like in bed.'

 

Gault just did a whole lot more talking and a lot faster than usual. Seems there's something he doesn't want to say. Pretty sure it has something to do with why he's here. If I was in the habit of disassembling people's feelings and rationales I might be able to supply myself with an answer. But any inclination I had to do so before has long ago dried up and rusted in my seclusion.

 

'Never going to know either. Say it's a lot better than being in bed with a Devaronian.'

 

'I've never heard any complaints,' he arrogantly replies.

 

I wave away the comment. 'Besides, Gault, weren't you just telling me the love of your life is taking you back?'

 

'You can't have only one love of your life when you have so much love to give like me.' I roll my eye and Gault ignores the gesture. His face falls a little from the mocking charade and he leans back in his chair, hands behind his head. 'No, Hylo is great and all but... Lokai loved her, not Gault. I only just realised the difference.'

 

'So are you telling me you sent credits to a woman you have no intention of sleeping with?' He scowls and nods.

 

'Never going to hear the end of this, am I?'

 

I shrug and turn back to serious. My good humour left before the end of my sentence. But a degrading smile still tugs the corners of my unyielding lips. 'All have a reputation to protect, huh?'

 

'Something like that,' he evasively says. He sighs heavily and I lean forward onto my elbows.

 

'Come on, Gault. Tell me of the woman who seems to have swept you of your scumbag feet so quickly.'

 

'You flatter me far too much,' he sardonically replies.

 

A croaking sound almost like a laugh escapes from me and I press for more details. 'Come on, Uncle Gault, spill or I'll literally make you spill your guts,' I urge as I extend my right knife and hold it point it to his stomach, making twisting motions.

 

'Well when you put it like that...' he looks into my eager eyes and something there makes him come to a decision. He sighs heavily and something changes in Gault's manner and look. 'The woman Gault loves has far too much baggage and crazy,' he explains with a wave of his hand. 'I have no idea how I came to even look at someone that insane three times. God, that body though,' he ads in ecstatic pain.

 

I raise an eye brow at Gault and he laughs cruelly. 'I'm guessing she's pretty then,' I comment dryly.

 

'More than that. Cantina dancers are pretty. She's...' he presses his palms into his eyes and a wry smile twists my lips. 'Just so far above them,' he ends despairingly.

 

I like Gault like this. There's something almost sweet in his crude words and torture and he seems so much younger suddenly. I guess he isn't old for a Devaroian.

 

'So what's the problem? She has standards?' I ask teasingly. I enjoy taking my mind off my problems by talking to Gault about his. I guess mine isn't a problem. More just the extreme lack of one.

 

He scoffs. 'Not if you saw the guy she's with.' He turns sober and sour again and moves his hands down the thighs of his pants. 'Nah, she's with somebody else. I think she'll always be with someone else somehow. I don't think it will ever be me or she will ever even notice me for that matter - even now.' Gault looks into my eye, shakes his head and looks up at the ceiling. I feel I'm not the only one to change in the past months.

 

'Oh well, I'll still be around and keep her company,' he continues. 'Always been told I'm great company. Never been that fond of my own company though.' He looks down into his drink and a sullied version of himself stares back. For the first time, I think I'm not the only one that hates the person they see in their reflection.

 

I gently nudge him and tell him no one could ever not notice him - he never allows it. 'Must be some woman to make the mighty Gault Renrow swoon like a sickly woman on Tatooine.'

 

Gault doesn't reply. He opens the crate between us and pulls out a bottle of wine, opening it and beginning to drink. Always wondered what was in that crate.

 

I continue with more than a little irritation. I definitely preferred being alone than being with the Devanorian. Liar.

'Why are you here instead of with either of them, then? Sure they're both better company than me. And have more food and liquor too,' I ad as he eagerly begins to drink.

 

Gault looks at my intently out of the corner of his eye and shakes his head, sculling his bottle in one. I only raise my eyebrow as I watch and wonder what he was drinking to.

 

'So where's your intrepid and heroic Mandalorian now?' he asks after wiping his mouth, completely avoiding answering. 'Attacking the Republic's capital itself, no doubt.'

 

I shake my head and don't let Gault see my face. I liked forgetting for just an hour all about it. 'Nothing like that. He's marching a lot further away than that.'

 

Gault raises an eyebrow at me and it's my turn to look into my drink. I don't like the person that stares back. But I have no reason to change it anymore. And I wouldn't even know how to start.

 

I stand up and begin to leave. He protests.

 

'Good night, Gault. I suggest you leave the ship tonight unless you want to follow everyone else's path. My new droid doesn't appreciate newcomers the way I do.'

 

I laugh and enter my room, the door closing behind me and as it slides shut, it stops any of the happiness I just felt seeping in, and I am left to cry alone in my constant, self imposed desolation.

I'll follow you soon, ner Torian. Keep waiting.

 

 

 

----

 

 

Inconsequential comment on Gault that you probably shouldn't read:

Well... there you go. :confused:

Just going to say, Gault doesn't look like the uncustomized Gault you receive in the game in my mind anymore. He's a lot darker, has two horns (like one of the customizations) and is ever so slightly better looking.

Less like this: http://www.swtorstrategies.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Devaronian-swtor.png

And more like this (plus darker skin): http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v85/Suetekh/jpb.png

I have no comment on anything else despite wanting to. Only that you will have to wait and see what happens. Keep in mind, she is still mourning (an so am I :( ) over Torian who only died three months ago so don't jump to any conclusions. That is all I will say.

That, and it's great to be back :D

 

Edited by EverSteam
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Well, here is the latest at last. It's rather long. I've been agonizing over it for a week now and I don't want to anymore since I'll just zone out at parties and meals and basically all the time thinking about it and whether that word was right or if they would say this or that and argh! :mad:

Anyway, please enjoy. :)

 

 

 

That night...

 

 

 

'Torian.'

 

I call his name and he turns around to face me. He takes a step closer through purple flowers. My eyes reluctantly glance to my surroundings. Belsavis. He's waiting for me.

 

I take a slow step to him, then another. Then I begin to run across the distance between us. But blurred figures appear between us with indistinct faces. The four children, now grown adults as I am, stare at me with their profile photos and bodies to match. One is all grey and black and I feel fear at the frozen smile he wears.

 

My steps slow. But Torian reaches out a hand to me and I begin to run through the deep snow faster. My thoughts become bent on taking his hand. Letting his strong protective arms wrap around me again and to tell me it was just a dream, exactly like he used to when it was.

 

I try to jump over them. Their reaching hands grab my ankles and pull me down. They take my arms at the unseen General's order and drag me away from Torian whose hand still reaches for me. He doesn't move and stands like that, with all the patience in eternity.

 

The ground between us breaks but his green side remains untouched. He only keeps his deep blue eyes on mine and smiles a little, as if to tell me waiting is ok. That it's all going to be ok.

 

But their tightening hands pull me further away and I scream Torian's name again and again. They don't stop. And all he does is stand, reach and wait.

 

'Torian!' I scream one last time.

 

I open my eyes.

 

I'm standing in my bedroom, the blankets at my feet. My arms are up and painful as if they were being held. It takes a while for me to move. It's only when I hear crashes and clanging that I move to get dressed and walk from this suffocating haran.

 

'Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow,' Gault repeats. If previous experiences are any judge, I would be tempted to say HK is holding Gault's arm behind his back on a less than pleasant angle.

 

I walk into the holoroom and lean against the door frame, watching HK spout insults at Gault as he holds him face first on the ground, arms in the air and a foot to his red neck. I went to HK in the night and ordered him to restrain the Devaronian like 'a dedicated lawman would a common low life' at whatever time pleased him but to not exterminate him. He isn't quite an undesirable yet.

 

'A little help would be appreciated, my dear!' Gault explains when he sees my sadistic form in the doorway. 'Tell this psychotic droid to stop treating me as a common low life,' he complains indignantly.

 

'No. I warned you to leave my ship. HK here is following my orders perfectly. Why would I tell him to stop?'

 

'Because we're friends.'

 

'Wrong.'

 

'Business partners.'

 

'Completely wrong.'

 

'I can give you credits.'

 

'I have credits.' I smoothly move to the one of the new chairs I've installed and put my feet up on the holo terminal. 'You're lucky I only gave HK orders to restrain you. I believe he knows 1,346 torture techniques.'

 

'Correction: 1,364, master.'

 

'Apologies, HK.' I stand up and walk to Gault, crouching in front of him. 'You see I like my new droid, Gault. We came to an understanding, didn't we, HK?'

 

'Agreement: yes, master,' he obediently replies in a shrill voice.

 

'Explain to our intruder,' I order.

 

'Explanation: I was disappointed to see the Republic still stands. My master explained to me the inadequacies of the Empire in this age as shown through the treaty despite the sacking of Coruscant and the constant fighting amongst Sith which breeds irremovable inefficiency. Master explained to me that I was the only one unfrozen because it is the Maker's intention for me to eliminate both Republic and Empire to start a new, glorious age of efficiency.'

 

I smile tenderly at HK as he speaks but then turn a cold eye to Gault. 'See, Gault? We belong together.' I grab one of Gault's lengthening horns and force his neck back so he can stare completely into my eyes. 'I like being with him. I like my life. You have no place in it. So give me one reason I shouldn't kill you?' I hold my blade to his neck and stare into his eyes.

 

He sighs when he sees my resolve. I gave Gault a chance to leave though I knew he wouldn't take it. I won't make such a stupid mistake again.

 

'I can give you whatever you want, my dear. Name it.' Torian.

 

'I doubt it, Gault,' I scoff. What I want is long gone. He isn't coming back.

 

'Don't you want revenge?'

 

'Always,' I say with quiet vehemence.

 

'I can give it to you,' Gault coaxes. I should know better than to ask questions. I should shoot like I didn't then. You didn't kill him then and you know you won't kill him now. Shut up.

 

'How?' I sharply ask. I'm sceptical of anything Gault has to offer. But when it comes to saving his life, I know he would do anything. And would never hold anything back.

 

'I can find the Republic Captain you want,' he says with reluctance. 'The one you asked Mako to find information on.'

 

I press the blade closer to his neck and draw blood. 'More, Gault.'

 

'I have a man who knows a man who knows a man - I know where that Captain is. Kill me and you will never know.' His voice is the same as then. It carries self assurance and logic and I want to tear it to pieces.

 

'Don't tell me and I'll kill you anyway.'

 

'True but anytime is good time, my dear. I'll travel with you to the planet then you can never see me again if you want. But that's not what I want.' Blunt bargaining. I'm wondering what the catch is. I'm wondering how I'm going to regret this because I know I will. I know the price my droid will come with. HK isn't here because I like him. He isn't here because we belong together. He's here to kill me.

 

I snort and stand up. I begin to walk out. Gault struggles more under HK as he senses a sentence has still been passed and it will not be to his benefit. He might still be proven right. You might die on this ship yet, Gault.

 

'HK, the Devaronian is not to be harmed and is free to move about the ship excluding my quarters. But watch him.' I walk out but then remember something. I turn around and poke my head into the room again where Gault is standing up and rubbing his neck, HK watching him diligently.

 

'HK, escort him to the cockpit. He's our new pilot.'

 

 

-----

 

 

 

Three tense days later...

 

 

'You've been busy while I was gone, I see.'

 

First time he's approached me since we set course for our destination. Ord Mantell was a week away from where we were. Still have four days till we land. Then it's up to Gault to give me the exact location.

 

'I've also been richer while you were gone but I saw when I looked into my bank account that I am back to being comparatively poor,' I retort. My mood has changed and with it, my feelings towards the Devaronian. Gault has made himself a valuable asset once again.

 

'Well, what could one woman do with all those credits? I thought I'd alleviate some of the burden.'

 

I scoff and shake my head. Be more trouble than it's worth to call him up on the sexism. I'm trying to check Gault's information. So far, it does check out. We arrive on Ord Mantell in two days. Since Gault has come aboard I haven't visited the engine room and I keep it locked at all times. Spend my time in the holo room doing everything but checking Blizz's messages. I don't want Gault to catch me. I avoid the cargo bay like it's rakghoul plague.

 

'It must mean the work you're doing is paying rather well.'

 

I grunt an agreement.

 

'Don't you find it hard to walk the line between them? You're balancing act might not be able to last forever, my dear.'

 

'Then that's my concern, Gault, not yours,' I coldly reply.

 

'Wrong. You spared my priceless life twice so I have to now look out for yours.' I spared himself from myself. That means little. I am not altruistic.

 

'What a touching sentiment, Gault. I'll remember it the next time you clear me out of all my credits.'

 

He shrugs. 'You should.' He pauses and I don't speak. All my thoughts are bent on this Captain now - where they should have been for a very long time. I forgot my place. Now I'm back.

 

'I heard in my travels that there's a new crime lord,' I comment casually on a whim.

 

'Oh? What do they say about this charming and roguish crime lord? That he's devilishly handsome?'

 

'Some seemed under the impression he was a devils child actually. It seems the ruler of a new criminal empire is a Devaronian with skin as red as blood and the ability to disappear at will.' I don't take my eyes from the Captain's photo. He looks more like his mother than his father.

 

'Is that all they say?' Gault asks with amused disappointment.

 

'Apart from the fact that he is now one of the richest men in the galaxy, I think they mentioned this rise taking around two years but only really happened in the last three months,' I pause in psuedo contemplation. 'Strange, I knew a Devaronian rather like that for a while.'

 

'Oh? What did you think of this handsome fellow?'

 

'Irritating with a strong inclination to self preservation, the attainment of credits, heavy wine and rich women,' I instantly answer.

 

'Sounds like my kind of guy,' Gault replies with sarcastic glee.

 

'Mmm you two would have got a long swimmingly.' We drift into a pause but before it deepens I ad without thought, 'I'm glad you got everything you wanted.'

 

'I haven't yet, my dear. That's why I'm here.' The silence goes on for a long while and I don't mind. I don't spend it wondering what can be attained by staying in this hell with me and my 'psychotic droid'.

 

'I don't care why you're here, Gault,' only that you are. 'Say I wasn't going to kill you or kick you off my ship once we land on Ord Mantell, how long will you stay then?'

 

'Oh, I don't know. There's a few people to see here and there, some other usual crime lord business, but... how long do you want me to stay?' he asks seriously. 'I don't think you're intrepid and fearless Mandalorian would like me being here at all while he's away let alone when he returns.'

 

I laugh loudly but though it comes from my heart, it lacks any happiness. 'I suppose not. I am interested though, why did you always like to irk him so much?'

 

Gault looks at me the way he does sometimes, as if I am rain on Tatooine and all he can do is stand in it, disbelieving and wanting it to never end. I hate the way I feel the blank stare belittles my understanding.

 

'You are a rare creature, my dear. Please never change.'

 

'And you are an aggravating *****, dick head. Feel free to change'

 

'Ah, the charming things you say to me warm my heart,' Gault replies with exaggerated pleasantness.

 

I laugh dryly in reply and when that dies we remain in silence again. Seems Gault and I never say many genuine things about or to the other. If all our sarcasm and mockery was removed from everything we've ever said, there would only be a handful of comments left and most of them relating to needing more food or wine. I don't think I'd want it any other way. But in my desolation and seclusion, in the abandonment that was meant to be something else I can't see, I have a craving for the honest and genuine from people when I only lie to myself.

 

'So what does the heroic Mandalorian think of what you've being doing recently?'

 

'I assume you mean my -Torian.' I couldn't force out the word "husband". It is a rock that is lodged in my throat. It will take a lot of time for that stone to become small and weathered. A lot longer than I will have to live.

 

'Do you have more than one?'

 

'I'm working, Gault,' I say as the datapad in front of me suddenly absorbs all my cool attention again.

 

'So I'm guessing he doesn't know about your recent rampages across most known and civilised planets?'

 

'How do you know about them?'

 

'I do watch the holonet, darling,' Gault explains patronisingly. 'Though sometimes I did have to dig a little deep.'

 

'Keeping an eye on me? A little worried, were you? How very touching,' I return scathingly.

 

'Someone has to or messes like the ones you've been causing seem to happen. I don't see why Torian isn't stopping you. He is supposed to be your brave and strong protector after all. Isn't he fretting that you're going to break a nail?'

 

I with frame from wincing and only turn my head from Gault, my hair falling from behind my ear to screen my face from his mocking scrutiny.

 

'And I heard about what happened on Manaan.'

 

I spin around quickly, pressing Gault against the wall more with my entire body than an arm. 'It was an accident,' I violently hiss into his face.

 

'Then it was a very large accident, my dear.'

 

'I know,' I say quietly, moving back to my chair once again hiding from Gault.

 

'And what about all the others?'

 

'They deserved it!' I vehemently shout. They were soldiers. Nothing more. The world is better without them. I only wish I could kill all the Jedi in the world as well as the soldiers.

 

'All of them?'

 

'Yes.'

 

'What happened?' Gault suddenly implores, moving to my side. I keep my face hidden from him as best I can.

 

'This isn't the woman I left.'

 

'I am the same woman you left a month ago,' I sternly reply. You didn't notice a change then so why must you notice one now?

 

'But not the one I last saw four months ago.'

 

'She's dead.'

 

'I don't believe you.'

 

'Then go. The door is always open and waiting for you to walk through it.'

 

'Did you make the same offer to Torian?' he asks sharply, not moving away. I want him to move away. Liar.

 

'No, but I should have.'

 

'So he left you to murder everyone in the galaxy while he plays soldier?' I don't speak. So Gault continues. 'He left you to go wage a war and lead children into senseless battles to win for commanders that care nothing for them and an honour that doesn't come through being able to shoot the other guys better.'

 

Gault spins around and stands up in frustration as I only remain silent. It's only when he kicks a panel like I have done so many time before that I speak.

 

'What would you know of honour?' I quietly and coldly ask.

 

'I know what doesn't get you honour. Not my life, not his and not yours, my dear.'

 

'You're wrong, Gault. Torian had more honour than anyone else. '

 

'Then why isn't he with you?'

 

I stand up and walk out past Gault. I can't answer that. Because part of me asks the same question all the time. It wants to know where the other half has gone and how to stop what remains from also disappearing into some black abyss that it titters on the precipice of.

 

'Just remember, someone might cut your wire at any moment, my dear, and when they do, you should pray someone is left to still catch you,' Gault calls after me.

 

I've already begun falling, like I did so many years ago. The wire was cut when Torian was. There was a Torian to catch me before I could break on the cold hard floor the first time. And the floor is looming ever closer as I willingly plummet to it now. Torian isn't there to catch me.

 

I made sure there was no one there to catch me. Because I want to break. I want someone else to kill me because I can't.

 

Are you here to try anyway, Gault? Or only to watch the show I will cause on my way down?

 

 

-----

 

 

 

Five days later on Ord Mantell...

 

 

 

I walk into the Republic base, straight past security. First time I haven't had to kill at least one person to enter. Should visit small, simple worlds more often.

 

I walk up to a red haired, freckled boy dressed as a grown soldier and wait for him to notice. He doesn't. I clear my throat loudly, gaining looks from another two soldiers across the room. Their attention turns from irritation to something that will get them killed.

 

The young boy jumps and looks at me with nervous curiosity, clearly not expecting me but a threat he's scared of. I guess he got some of it right. Only he should be scared of me.

 

'C-can I help you? You aren't Republic,' he notes as he looks to my blue armour with only a silver crest that is neither Republic, Empire or any other sect. 'Do you need Republic assistance with anything?'

 

I smile what I imagine could be sweetly. I need to make a note to practice expressions before a mirror to get them right.

 

'My names Leerinda,' I greet as I smile. I'm not original or caring enough to create a name far from my own for instances such as this. My face wasn't recognised. My name may not have the same luck. If they all attack before I get my answers and the Captain dies with them, I would feel less than satisfied with such an impersonal dispatch.

 

'I'm looking for a Captain Resmond. Is he in?'

 

'No, ma'am, I don't think so. If you don't mind me asking, is he expecting you?' The boy is cute and nervous. I would regret having to kill him if it somehow comes to that.

 

'No, but I'm a childhood friend of his and was very close to his father,' I reply gently. 'Where would I be able to meet him?'

 

'Well, ma'am, he's due to arrive in an hour so you could wait in his office. I would be happy to escort you,' he offers. What a cute boy. A little short as he is only equal height with me. 'But I would have to ask you to leave any weapons you have on you with me,' he says with apologetic nervousness. I feel sorry for the kid as I hand him my blaster. It will be him who is punished for the Captain's death.

 

'Please lead the way,' I say in the same pseudo gentle voice.

 

He nods and tries to walk down the short corridors with assurance but all it does is show his inadequacies more.

He leads me to one of the only side rooms in the small base and tells me to wait in the chair, asking if I need anything. I decline the offer and say he can leave.

 

So I wait.

 

An hour passes and he doesn't come. But I continue to wait and listen.

 

Another hour passes and the Captain walks into the room with a disturbed but proud air. The orange haired soldier is behind him with a nervously respectful air. The Captain kindly dismisses him and shakes his head as he watches the soldier retreat.

 

I lean back in the chair I sit in at the only desk in the room, leaving him to take the other chairs. He doesn't. I searched the desk and room while he was gone as I disabled any alarms, listening devices and security cameras as well as the hidden ones. I found nothing to lead me to his siblings. *********** Jedi.

 

'Hello, Captain,' I say with mocking pleasantness. 'Nice quarters.' I gesture with a lazy, calm hand to the tidy and spotless room with no personal belongings.

 

He grunts an acknowledgment. 'I've been waiting for you to come.'

 

'No, I'm pretty sure I was waiting for you. An entire 2.6 hours to be precise.'

 

'Very funny,' he congratulates dryly. A frown seems to be the permanent decoration on his lips. So like his mother. Nothing about him is his father. I don't know where the large frame could have come from. Possibly luck or stimulants.

 

'So where do we go from here, Leer? Or is it Ravager Haran now?'

 

I smile and shrug, looking at my nails. 'Whatever you prefer, Captain Resmond.'

 

'Haran is Mando'ad, if memory serves me well.' I nod and continue to clean my already clean nails with each knife. 'I don't think 'cosmic annihilation' is much of a hyperbole at your current rate, especially with what happened on Manaan.'

 

'Thank you, Captain, I am awefully proud of Manaan,' I taunt warmly in turn.

 

'You're welcome,' he dryly replies with a tighter frown. 'Now are you here to attempt to assassinate me or did you just want to say hello?' he says in a distinctly business like fashion.

 

'I'm not sure if I want this conversation to progress further past these vague pleasantries. Your company isn't nearly as pleasing as your father's though I suppose our interactions involved less clothes.' I look him over with shrewd scrutiny. 'Though I can't say I'm regretting that.'

 

The Captain scowls and remains at attention in a corner of the room. His hair is a light brown cut too close to his scalp and accentuating his broad face and body. His eyes are a pale blue and they have the same idealistic tint around the dry cynicism as his mother. He seems forward.

 

'So you are only here to talk to me about old times with my father?'

 

'No, but I can put that on the agenda before killing you if it takes your fancy. Otherwise, I wouldn't mind skipping to killing you.' I stand up as I speak and walk around the desk, leaning on its edge, my arms loose and ready at my sides.

 

'Its mutual, then.'

 

He draws his gun. I dodge his attacks and deflect some with my knives. I run to him and jump behind him where he turns surprisingly fast to attempt to kick my feet out from under me as I land. I'm faster and lightly step back.

 

I move in for close combat. He blocks my attacks with my blades with his wrist guards but after the first four, his wrist guards are useless and destroyed. I move around his large form. More agile than I imagined but still not as swift as a smaller man.

 

My knife is at his throat.

 

He tries to make my body move by uselessly attempting to grab it. I move a foot to his lower back and force him to his knees, then push him onto his stomach, my knife never leaving his throat. I place my legs onto his arms so he can't throw my off without his throat being slit and he can't attempt to remove my arms.

 

'Ah, my father must have taught to that. He always used to use the exact same combination on me. I never managed to beat him,' he comments with a scorned child's bitterness.

 

'Then you were a poor student,' I harshly reply. Torian would have hated such a large and useable weakness. He would have done whatever it took, worked as hard and long as it took, to remove it. Why are you thinking about this? *********** dreams.

 

'Maybe, maybe not. We might see yet,' he replies evasively. I press the blade closer to his neck to silence his taunting words.

 

'Any last words, Captain?'

 

'Just a few. Is this because of what my father did to you or because I'm Republic?'

 

'That's more than a few.' I imagine his tighter frown. 'Your father first, the Republic second. Any more pointless questions?'

 

'No.'

 

'Good. Good bye then,' I calmly call as I tense my arm to move it across his throat. My blade starts to cut.

 

'Not for that reason, Cyare.'

 

'Torian?' I whisper, my movements stopping. Only silence meets my call.

 

I feel a sharp pain in my crotch. I look down and see a blade sticking out of my inner thigh. I stare blankly at it, not recognising that it came from inside the Captains armour. I switch pain receptors off.

 

And then I'm sent across the room. I let my guard down. I let my position slacken. I let a dead man's voice weaken me.

 

The Captain stands and holds a hand to his neck, the small amount of blood from a cut minor artery seeping through the cracks of his fingers.

 

'Round two?' he asks.

 

I only reply by raising my turret and shooting his knee caps and ankles. He falls to the ground and turns onto his back. I stand over him.

 

'I'll be back one day. Until then, send word to your sister I'm coming for her and her precious Havoc Squad next.' I don't mention the Jedi. And I don't mention his brother.

 

'You... monster.'

 

'At least I'm walking,' I reply.

 

I close the door behind me. I walk from his room with the smile of an old friend whose had a very satisfactory meeting. On my way out, I tell the young soldier the Captain wants to see him as I take my blaster back. He salutes me and says a very nervous but pleased good bye.

 

My visit was far from satisfactory.

 

 

----

 

 

 

 

Well, there you go. :confused:

Gault is experiencing more character development, she's made HK see a twisted point of view similar to hers and some other things.

I only have '**** you, writers block' left to say :mad: as well as please comment :)

 

 

Edited by EverSteam
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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee more! I'm also still mourning the loss of Torian. He's just so.. so.. om nom.

He really is. Which is why I'm starting that AU series in the AU weekly challenge thread called 'Haran' where Torian is alive! and it's two years later.

Heehee! Gault you sly devil you.

:D

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Gault and HK are pretty hilarious together, and I have to say your Gault is growing on me. Well, character growth in general is a fun thing :)

 

I was wondering if her memory of Torian would influence how she went after the General's children...interesting, very interesting. Looking forward to this confrontation with the Havoc Squad CO (cause I have an inkling...just a baby one, but an inkling nonetheless) ;)

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Gault and HK are pretty hilarious together, and I have to say your Gault is growing on me. Well, character growth in general is a fun thing :)

I'm glad you liked it. :o

I was so very unsure. :confused: And I hope he does grow on you because well, otherwise the next ?? posts will be like torture and you might stop reading... :(

I was wondering if her memory of Torian would influence how she went after the General's children...interesting, very interesting. Looking forward to this confrontation with the Havoc Squad CO (cause I have an inkling...just a baby one, but an inkling nonetheless) ;)

Well, I have no comment on that because otherwise it would be a spoiler. ;)

 

 

 

 

Three hours later...

 

 

 

I walk down the ships ramp with a tred that echoes through the hanger bay. I walk to the ships exit and jump down the ledge, landing lightly on the muddy ground. I look around and see no better place. I sit down.

 

I pull out my serum and stare at it. I move it up and down, watching the thick liquid move with a vague but bored fascination. So you're my life, huh?

 

I shake my head and look up at the sky. I don't see the stars. I see my knife at his neck and my hand tangled in his hair. And then I see myself falter.

 

What the f*** happened?

 

I should have killed him. I almost killed him. I was so close. I bring my fist back hard onto the wall next to me and then slowly peel it out when I feel a little less irate. I know I should go back and kill him. But I won't. Because of memory, insanity, or something else, I won't kill him tonight. And tomorrow I will leave. *********** idiot.

 

Torian's death shouldn't change anything. I was going to go down this path when he lived no matter what the inevitable cost. Liar. So why can't I now? How did I get so *********** weak? What happened to me?

'Want something, Gault?'

 

'No more than usual, babe,' he easily replies, stopping to stand above me, looking out to what little can be seen of this 'city' as he stretches. 'Though I wouldn't mind two thousand credits.'

 

'Then go work for it yourself,' I harshly reply.

 

'Like the farmers do?' he asks mockingly.

 

'Yes.' No point in denying it. 'What were you doing in my accounts?'

 

'No more than usual, my dear,' Gault repeats again.

 

I shake my head and look back down to the vile in my hand. What else do you do to me?

 

'A shuttle leaves for Nar Shaddaa in a week where it will be complete with limited beverages and unlimited flea infested refugees,' Gault explains with displeasure and an outward flick of his hands.

 

'Sounds like your kind of flight,' I reply back. It's Gault's choice to stay or not. As long as he doesn't interfere, I won't kill him. One dead man interfering is more than enough. I don't want two of them. And I wouldn't mind having an organic to talk to; an all robot ship does get tedious and I can only stare at a frozen man for so long.

 

'Well, I was hoping to get a better one.'

 

'What could be better than that?' I sarcastically ask. I look to the sky and wonder what it would be like to be a refugee: no home, no credits, no plan except survival with only a history being left behind and a cheap shuttle to the scum of the galaxy. I remember when I left Tython. It wasn't on a shuttle. I stole the General's ship. I wasn't poor, desperate or with only survival in my plan. I didn't have a home to leave. I guess you can only leave your past behind when it's a nice home free of blood stained walls. The rest of us have to carry our blood with us. Some more literal than others, I think with a wry smile.

 

'Oh, I don't know. Maybe travelling with an old associate and some sort of psychotic droid on a nicely furnished and flea free ship.'

 

'Maybe. As long as you're prepared to die there.' I don't bother lying to him. It's not a threat, only a warning. I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I seem to walk between extremes. Belsavis, huh? Thoughts seem to have abandoned me these days. Feelings seem to be soon following them.

 

Gault doesn't reply to that. 'So what is that you're always shooting up on?'

 

I roll up my sleeve. 'Some unique types of blood, some kolto and a great deal of other things you really don't want to know,' I reply as I inject it into my arm. I hold in my groan of relief.

 

'I'll take your word for it.' Gault keeps standing above me and I'm wondering if he's waiting for us to leave this planet. I'll disappoint him for a little longer.

 

'Blood, though?' His distaste is palpable.

 

'Yes. Do you want to know whose? Or how I get it?' I tease.

 

I hear the motions and noises that are the Devaronian shivering and stepping back a little as if I was going to show him that like I do so many other things. I smile a little. I wish I was lying.

 

'Neither, my dear. That's two secrets I'd rather live without knowing.' I laugh and we drift into a pause that is eventually broken by Gault's impatience. 'Well, I'm ready for the hyper lanes when you are, my dear.'

 

I don't move. My eyes stay on the stars.

 

'Do you think people can change, Gault? Or are we all planets that only ever see some of the stars and as time passes, we see more and different stars? That we don't change, only what other's see of us do.'

 

'A little deep for me, don't you think?' Gault asks awkwardly.

 

'You mean crime lords don't all sit together at the end of the day and ethereally speak after shaking the pockets of peasants and stepping on up starting thugs?' I sardonically tease.

 

'This might crush one of your adorable fantasies but... no, my dear, we really don't. At the end of a lucrative day, we all sit in our separate empire's and plot all the other's down falls before sending for more dancers and falling asleep in the naked bodies of at least three women.'

 

'I don't know about crushing any dreams but you certainly gave me a few nightmares,' I sarcastically retort. Gault chuckles and I can feel his eyes on me. 'Do you think they can?' I ask again.

 

Gault hesitates in his answer and I imagine a list appearing of different answers and he can't decide which to go with. To me, it would be divided into the truth and things I want to hear. To Gault, I think it's a choice between the genuine and the fake.

 

'Sometimes. Under the right circumstances or for the right reason.' So he chose what I wanted to hear. I'd rather evasive sarcasm.

 

'The right circumstances?' I push. Shut up.

 

'You already know what circumstances have the power to change people, my dear. I don't need to repeat them.' No, he doesn't. I guess I do know. If something happens at the wrong or right time depending on your view, at the wrong or right age, in the wrong or right place, then you can adapt to survive. But I'm tired of surviving.

 

'And the reasons?'

 

'My favourite would be credits. You'll find I'll do almost anything for the right price.'

 

'And that's what makes you just so gosh darn* trustworthy, Gault.'

 

I won't press the question. I was stupid to think Gault would tell me everything I want to hear. I know my reasons. I just lost them and can't seem to find them again.

 

I gaze fixedly on one star and try to discern what it is. But I can't do it alone. Only when I access my data core can I do it. And then the beauty and challenge of it disappears and I feel so much more... alone.

 

'Do you ever look at the stars, Gault, and get a pain right here?' I place my palm over my missing heart. I give in to the dull ache for a moment that seems to spread into my hand and my eyes begin to sting. 'Because they're so beautiful? And there's so many...' I pause and shake my head at my own stupidity. Maybe I am going insane.

 

But in my melancholy insanity I continue. 'And you think: "I want to get closer to them, touch them, and I hope that some of that rubs off on me: the happiness, beauty and companionship..."' I clench my fists and crush the vile, glass cutting into my hand. These thoughts aren't alien to me.

 

Only the endings changing again to what it always was and should have always been: 'But when you get there, everything is rot. Everything is uglier than you and when you leave, you're that little bit worse as well and that little bit more alone. And it's unbearable. To see yourself decay in the mirror every day that little bit more; for each person to look at you a little bit more horrified than the last.'

 

'I'm sure it has nothing to do with you slaughtering all the people that came before them,' Gault breaks in with derisive reassurance.

 

I laugh at myself and wonder why these comments have never gotten Gault killed. Gault has more than a small point. But I can't change it. I can't let people know what I do. We all have reputations to protect. They wouldn't believe it anyway. Their love isn't why I do it. Selfish b*tch until the end.

 

'Does it make you fear me or hate me?' I ask curiously. Never known what Gault thinks of me killing everyone. Generally thought as long as he came out of everything alive and a little richer he didn't care.

 

'Neither of those, my dear,' he assures me as much as Gault can ever assure anyone of anything.

 

I grunt. I shake my head. 'I think I need to go vomit or kill something now.' I stand up and jump up onto the ledge. 'And if you ever let me talk like that again, Gault, I'll kill you. That was disgusting.' I spit over the ledge to where I'd been sitting and turn to the ship. I begin to walk over to it and motion for Gault to follow.

 

'I need a *********** drink to wash all that sh** out of my throat,' I mumble to Gault.

 

'I couldn't agree more, babe.'

 

 

 

----

 

 

* wow... it changes g** dam* into 'gosh darn'... I really can't imagine Leer (I thought it time I used her name even though in game it's 'Primacy') ever saying that. Pretty darn funny.

 

Please comment and the such. :)

I'm feeling a little unsure at the moment. :confused: I've got everything planned it's just going to take a while to start getting, well, to the 'big things' that I'm slowly and rather vaguely setting up and I feel like I'm dawdling too slowly and that Gault is changing too much and that I'm going as crazy as she is :confused:...

*cough cough* Long story short: I like comments. :o

 

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'This might crush one of your adorable fantasies but... no, my dear, we really don't.

This set off giggles, not gonna lie.

 

For what it's worth, I haven't thought that Gault has changed quickly. Course, I tend to believe that people do change, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but only if you stagnate in one spot do you stay the same. So characters changing, as long as there is sufficient reason for them to do so, makes sense to me.

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This set off giggles, not gonna lie.

I laughed while writing it :o

For what it's worth, I haven't thought that Gault has changed quickly. Course, I tend to believe that people do change, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but only if you stagnate in one spot do you stay the same. So characters changing, as long as there is sufficient reason for them to do so, makes sense to me.

That's very reassuring. :)

 

om nom Leer! :o

:):o

 

 

 

-----

 

 

 

Five hours of heavy drinking later...

 

 

 

I look back at Gault's comatose body. I smile slightly. Something more nasty about him when he's passed out than when he's awake.

 

I turn and walk to the holoterminal, checking my messages. Two from Blizz. Takes all my self control to slip out again, check on Gault and then walk to HK.

 

'Greetings, master. Are there undesirables you need exterminated? Or did you only come for more ale?' HK ends with obvious distaste. Who thought to give a killing machine a personality anyway? Not the first time I've wished they hadn't.

 

'Close, HK. I want you to watch the Devaronian. Alert me immediately if he wakes up.'

 

'Eager query: am I to exterminate the organic afterwards? Disdainful remark: the organic does irk me so,' he screeches mournfully.

 

I quietly laugh. 'Not tonight, HK. Just alert me.'

 

'Understood, master.' If HK's proud, metal shoulders could slouch in disappointment than they would be.

 

My primary entertainment aside from fantasies of the General's children's deaths was to watch and listen to Gault and HK's bickering. It seems Gault wants his own ruthless killing machine to help secure and expand his Empire: HK's loyalty could not be bought. It also seems Gault constantly feels a need to belittle, criticise and generally be cynical of others beliefs systems. Guess it wasn't personal to Torian after all. After their discussions one of them would slink to me and complain of the other. Reminds me of how things used to be. It hurts more than it helps.

 

'Hey, go set course for any planet you want after you complete my new orders and we can kill all the organics you want to on it,' I offer with an indulgent smile.

 

The droids eyes somehow shine a brighter yellow and he gives me continuing thanks. I wave them away and have to order HK to leave me alone to watch the Devaronian.

 

I walk to the cockpit and stare at the blanket I cast aside when Gault arrived. I think about picking it up and wrapping myself in it. But I don't. I press play and stand stoic. It lasts only moments. My throat closes with the strain of withholding tears and then from laughter.

 

I don't watch them twice. I'm aware of the time and I go down and give HK permission to go to the cockpit. I know Blizz is safe now, that's enough. My next message should arrive tomorrow.

 

I go to my room and hesitate over the chest in my wardrobe. Same as it always was only what's inside it has changed. I touch the lid, my fingers trailing to the clasp. I shake my head and stand up, my hand instead moving to the tooth at my neck.

 

I don't let it go, even as I walk to the cockpit. Seems HK wants us to board a Republic vessel with a few senators on it. I tell him it's not a planet and he begins his protest, listing all the undesirables there are on board and the greater efficiency in that strike than inefficient, large scale massacres on a non-strategic planet.

 

'Fine, fine. Any General's on board?' I ask with a malicious grin.

 

'Confirmation: two, master.'

 

'Then what are you waiting for?'

Edited by EverSteam
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