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The Life that's Left


EverSteam

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Just the whole situation. Didn't mean it in a negative light, don't worry. :o

I do worry, I do! :o You should tell me what exactly so I can make it less odd. :o

Messed up and hilarious! :D

I'm glad you think so too! :D

I laugh at things sometimes but I don't always know if other people will find it funny or not so it makes me feel a lot better and happier for you to say that :o

 

I may not post for a while as Jonas is being uncooperative with me. :mad:

I will try my hardest (or roughly that) to sort him out and be posting again before the end of the week. :confused:

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I do worry, I do! :o You should tell me what exactly so I can make it less odd. :o

 

I'm glad you think so too! :D

I laugh at things sometimes but I don't always know if other people will find it funny or not so it makes me feel a lot better and happier for you to say that :o

 

I may not post for a while as Jonas is being uncooperative with me. :mad:

I will try my hardest (or roughly that) to sort him out and be posting again before the end of the week. :confused:

 

I mean Leer's situation. Life? Predicament. It's just all rather.. odd, I guess. Odd and sad. The things she's been through, and then to have this blast from the past show up. That's gotta be rough. Don't change a thing! :):o

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I mean Leer's situation. Life? Predicament. It's just all rather.. odd, I guess. Odd and sad. The things she's been through, and then to have this blast from the past show up. That's gotta be rough. Don't change a thing! :):o

I won't then. :o:)

 

 

 

-----

 

 

 

An hour later...

 

 

 

 

'I thought we could do this civilly but it seems we can't.'

 

I whisper the words in Balkar's ear as I hold a blade to his throat, my turret pointed at his head and my free hand swiftly grabbing and restraining his hands. He drops the glasses he had been holding, spilling wine and shattering glass over my bare feet. I don't feel anything.

 

'You're making a mistake,' Balkar says with too much of a threat for someone with a knife to their throat and no help to call for.

 

'I don't think so. I already took out all the buddies you had around here.' I force him to his knees and bind his hands. I walk around to face him and crouch down in front of him, not letting my turret lose its lock on him for a moment. I assess he crouching form: lean body, would be rather agile and fast, possibly quick reflexes and definitely a quick mind.

 

I take off my back pack and pull out the bottles.

 

'See, I really did intend for this to go nicer, but there's no helping it now. I'm assuming those men were going to be contacted on intervals and when they don't answer in fifteen minutes, there will be more on the way. Believe it or not, I don't want to kill them.' There's only two people I want to kill left. I only need to find them first.

 

'Don't hold it against me if I have trouble taking your word for it,' Balkar cynically remarks as he glares at me from under his now tussled dark brown hair. He could be attractive to certain types. I wonder if she found him attractive.

 

'I won't. Now, I also know that there are probably listening devices wirelessly hooked up around this apartment so I brought this,' I pull out the device from my bag and put it on the ground in front of us, 'which I turned on before entering the building. They won't be able to hear or see anything.'

 

I continue without him speaking. I know he's hoping I'll enjoy the sound of my voice so much that I will still be talking when more men show up. If they do - if it takes that long - I will kill them and continue. But finding anything from him is a long shot. I only need to kill him or hurt him enough to make her come after me.

 

'You really should have stayed off planet and shut down shop. You might have lived a little while longer.'

 

'But then I'd miss this charming conversation with a beautiful Republic hating and charmingly insane woman.'

 

'Smooth, Jonas, but I know men who could teach you a few lessons in biting mockery. Now to business.' I slap his face with the back of my hand, his jaw making a small crunching noise. 'Where is the leader of Havoc Squad?'

 

'I wouldn't know. I've haven't met him.' I smirk at the incorrect gender. He does know. Such a subtle and small trick won't work on me.

 

'See, I know you have. Many times. I have her brother's records who I'm sure you know I visited a month ago. So why don't we skip the f***ing crap so we can both move on with our nights?'

 

'You wouldn't get information from me even if I had any.'

 

I punch him hard across the jaw, breaking the skin his clean-shaven cheek. 'Tell me where she is.'

 

He only spits blood at my feet and remains silent. I extend my blade again and press it into his shirt, cutting a small slit that fills with blood as my knife digs into his collar bone.

 

'Tell me where she is.' I trail the knife very, very slowly down his body. He winces in pain but refuses to make a noise. I stop when my knife reaches the indent of belly button and press the knife in, twisting it one way and then the other.

 

'Tell me where she is.'

 

I grab his hair and put the knife to his throat. Forcing his head up to look at me. 'Never.'

 

I stare into his eyes and what I see makes me sneer at him and throw him away to the ground where he only lies on his side and watches me with uncontained loathing. This is far from the best interrogation I've ever done but I don't have much time or patience and I have no reason for giving him the chance to guess anything about me.

 

'I hope she's worth it, Balkar. Dying for that is.' He only continues to glare at me with blue daggers. Balkar's eyes aren't as blue or deep as his. They don't make me tremble or flinch.

 

'Because if you don't tell me what I want to know, you will be dying.'

 

'She is invaluable to the Republic,' he bravely and foolishly responds. I never picked a smooth talking agent for a patriot.

 

'And to you, it seems.' I grab his cheeks in my right hand, my palm cupping his chin. I dig in my nails until they fill with blood that drips down his face. I force him to hold my eyes. 'Tell me: after you're dead, after you leave her with the knowledge you died to protect her, how do you think she will feel? Happy? Pleased? Grateful?'

 

I move my left knife to his heart and begin to slowly press. 'Or will she feel like this knife is cutting into her heart?' I retract my blade and punch his stomach hard in anger at something he has nothing to do with. Some ribs crack and he begrudgingly gasps. 'Dying for people only hurts them. If you want what's best for her and yourself, you will tell me where she is and walk away from here alive.'

 

'If I tell you, you will kill us both anyway.'

 

'Maybe, maybe not. You don't know that. And you know something, there are few things can hurt more than the physical. One would be what you would be doing to her.'

 

'Are you speaking from experience, bounty hunter?' I know what having someone remove your heart feels like. I know what it feels like to have someone that's a part of you leave. I'd take the first every time.

 

I let go of his cheeks, some skin tearing away in my nails. I pick the skin out of my nails with indifference. 'Ah, Balkar, stop trying to stall for time. Even if the men come, I'll kill them all and we will be back to sitting here.' When I'm done cleaning them, I admire the bloody results.

 

'Our sources tell us you have a husband. Where is he?'

 

'You know where, Balkar. This game won't work on me. I can tell you're trying to cut your bounds with a small knife you kept in your sleeve. But you see this,' I point to the turret that sits proud like a pet bird on my shoulder, 'will shoot you dead as soon as you break free. Then we will both lose.'

 

I move closer to him and grab his neck, holding him upright on his knees and forcing him to stare into my eyes as my other hand takes the knife, ignoring the mild twinge as it cuts my palm. I throw it over my shoulder where it clatters to the floor loudly.

 

'See, Balkar, I have a feeling that after I shot her brother, captured her other brother and kill you, she will come after me willingly. You can't win this. So be a smart agent and do what's best for yourself.'

 

'No.'

 

'Wow, people really are dumb when they're in love. I would have thought SIS agent's would be trained to not fall in love.'

 

'They are. I don't love her.'

 

'You fail as an agent, Balkar. Now tell me where she is.'

 

'Never.'

 

'Does she love you too?' Nothing definable changes in his eyes or features. But I feel the answer and I laugh at him. 'Poor little agent. She doesn't even know how you feel, does she?' He tries to spit on my face but fails. He does an admirable job of trying to retaining an air and set jaw of arrogant dignity when having bloody spit slipping down your chin.

 

'Does she love someone else?' Nothing changes again. He can be a good agent when he needs to. I laugh again. I know what no change means more than any change. 'I pity you. Not enough to not kill you but enough to make it hurt a lot less. Of course, you could always just tell me where she is now.'

 

'Never.'

 

'You seem to say that a lot. I was taught that 'never' didn't exist. I can give you a seven minute lesson in it if you want.'

 

He doesn't reply and no speeders or shouts interrupt the silence this deep into the sector. I begin my work with a fierce leer. After five minutes I pause and look at my work. I open a bottle of wine and drink a few mouthfuls, the wine escaping from the edges of my lips, staining them a dark red and leaving trails of seeping red down my chin.

 

'Now tell me where she is.'

 

'Never.' He spits blood on my pants and I frown down at it.

 

'That was unnecessary. They were my best pants.' I stand up and dust off my pants, careful to avoid the blood. I hear his reinforcements approaching from four blocks away. I bend down and grab his neck and pull him to his feet, forcing him to stand on tip toes. 'We're out of time.'

 

I extend the blade on my left hand and press it to his chest. 'Any last words?'

 

Before he can begin to fail at answering , my holo beeps. I fling him to the ground carelessly and answer. . I feel like I am tugged out of a sweet dream before I was ready to wake up.

 

Damin appears as a small, flickering holo image.

 

'Meet me at the coordinates I'm sending you now.'

 

'I'm busy,' I say with vague irritation as I glower at Damin instead of Balkar. I don't tolerate people skipping pleasantries without permission. I wipe the blood and wine off my face as I reply but only smudge it further as the blood on my hands blends the blood on my face.

 

'I can see that,' he replies in a voice void of disdain or amusement. 'I won't wait.' 'Now or never', huh, Torian?

 

Damin hangs up. I look down at Jonas whose moved to sit against a wall. I listen and hear his men surrounding the building. It would be simple to shoot him now and leave. But the dream was interrupted. It's not the same.

 

I walk over to him and bend down in front of him.

 

'Good bye, Jonas. Tell her I said hello and I'm expecting her visit.'

 

I knock him out. Love or not, his scarred body will be enough for her to come. I slip out of the building.

Now where's a refresher...?

 

 

----

 

 

A/N:

I wrote three different versions for this. :confused:

In the end, I was weak and couldn't kill Jonas. Also, it was really hard to imagine what he would say in those situations so apologies if he wasn't right. :confused:

I hope it was alright. :o I know it was a little short...

 

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Ouch. That one hurt. I'll cry one less tear for her when she dies because of that one. Balkar :(

Yeah... poor, poor Balkar. :(

Still... it could be worse... it was only a few minutes and he's still alive. There might be hope for what could be entitled 'Jonas Balkar's Revenge'. (It would only have to be a tiny hope though. :p;))

 

 

------

 

 

 

Part One: Three hours later....

 

 

 

'For someone in such a hurry for this meeting you're very late.'

 

I stand up from my hidden, dark perch when I see his form approach from the shadows across the alley. I know it's him from his walk and figure but there's something wrong with my readings of him. I switch my vision to normal again.

 

He's in something close to street clothes but they are too expensive and clean for him to fit in here. Again his shirt has a high collar and his fringe in the same way to hide his black eye. I'm glad. This is hard enough without staring straight at my reminders. I've always been a coward.

 

'I was making sure your friends weren't around,' he evenly replies as he approaches me.

 

I nod and we walk together with space between us, not talking. We turn down side streets and back alleys, going in loops and back tracking but still heading deeper into the sector. I break us into an apartment. Lucky for the owners, they aren't home.

 

'Damin,' I start as I step back. 'I think you need to tell me what happened to you before we go any further.' I pull out my gun and aim for his head. 'Because right now, all I'm reading off you is a droid.'

 

'It's me.'

 

'Prove it.'

 

Damin rolls up a sleeve and deftly pulls a knife from his belt. He cuts across the back of his forearm and holds it up to me. Blood slithers down his arm with eagerness and sighs a small 'blop' wen it hits the ground.

 

I curse and smile, moving to him with a kolto patch and bandage. 'You know I didn't mean it like that.'

 

'You would never believe me for anything less.'

 

I smirk and glance up to his watchful eyes. His arm is tense under my touch. 'I didn't know I was so predictable.'

 

'You only haven't changed.' His hands move to hold my red hair back from my face, revealing my cybernetic eye. I look up to him. He smiles a little at whatever he sees.

 

'You missed a spot of blood,' he says with a larger smile. I doubt the sincerity of it. I can't forget what he is now. I can't trust him. Do you ever trust anyone?

 

I scowl at him and step away, my hair falling again to hide it. 'So are you going to explain it or do I have to shoot you?' I press the blaster up under his chin.

 

Damin frowns a little but then it twists into a neutral line. He doesn't speak. I know he's calculating how much he should tell me.

 

'I needed a disguise.' A simple answer.

 

'So instead of putting on a wookie costume you decided to give yourself implants so you look like a droid?'

 

'Something like that,' he evades with an easy smile. He leans against the closest wall and looks me over with a casualness that hides his evaluation. I haven't put my gun away.

 

'A job must completed no matter what, huh, Damin?'

 

He frowns at the jibe. 'Yes.'

 

'Fool. Show me them,' I demand.

 

He unbuttons his vest with a clam slowness, drops it on the ground and then pulls off his shirt. He turns his back to me and I wince. I reach out and touch the three red scars that are barely healing. I switch through my visions. His life signs are all a droids.

 

'Do I appear as a droid to you?' he asks in the same quiet and steady voice.

 

'Yes,' I softly confirm. He can appear on the outside what I am on the inside. If there is such thing as fate, it is a twisted disgusting thing that has thrown it's best at me. And the memory of feeling like something good was to come is a mocking stone in my stomach. A fool and a coward.

 

He pulls his shirt back on. I'm glad. I couldn't look at my own contributions to his body anymore. Are you really going to tell yourself that's the only reason? A fool, coward and liar. At least Gault's honest with himself about what his is.

 

'What now, Cipher Nine?' I look him over as he leans against the wall again, his arms crossed across his chest. I don't know what to do with my hands or arms. We're on equal footing like we have never been before. 'Are you going to attempt to kill me?'

 

'No.'

 

'Do you want to?'

 

'No.'

 

'I... didn't ever want to hurt you.' I stumble over the weak and inadequate apology.

 

'I know. They punished you for it.' Damin has always been so assured of himself that he rarely asks questions.

 

He remains blank as he stares at me and I wonder if he is only like this for me and his superiors. No. He would charming and obedient to them.

 

'How long did they?' he asks with averted eyes and face. I wonder what the Cipher feels underneath. It's not only what I did to him that he might hold against me. Sometimes what we don't do can hurt a lot more.

 

'Seven months.' But it was worth it to see you alive now. It seems the only way to ever save someone else is to sacrifice yourself. I wish it wasn't true.

 

'Straight?'

 

'Of course.'

 

'I'm sorry.' He hesitates as he speaks. His arms move from his side a little but fall again. I tell myself I don't want the comfort for what happened so long ago. Before two weeks ago, we had never touched unless it was for me to inflict more pain. But the barriers I had were worn away by Torian's constant, respectful love. I want them back.

 

'Don't be. It made me stronger,' I stoically assure.

 

'Or harder.'

 

I shrug. 'Is there a difference?'

 

'I don't know.' He always gave me short answers, even then. Different to Torian's and a lot more untrustworthy. Why are you here? Why is he here? Neither of us need the other. I guess that means we must both want to be here.

 

Damin's hesitation and Agent imitation disappears. He takes a step closer and moves some red hair back from my eyes with a small sad smile on his pale blue lips.

 

'You've been crying.'

 

I smile at the words he would always greet me with. I never smiled at them then. And even now, it creates an almost overpowering pang and I want to lie down and cry like I haven't since Gault came aboard. But I can hold it in. I can for as long as I need to.

 

'How do you know I've been crying?' I reply in kind.

 

'Because you're here and you look so sad.' He doesn't smile now. I look away from his gentle concern. He drops his hand but doesn't move away. We stand in uncertainty.

 

'Tell me what happened,' I finally ask. There are years he needs to fill me in on in only a few hours. It will be another long night.

 

 

 

-----

 

 

 

 

This conversation is long and unfinished but I'm going on holiday tomorrow so i won't be updating for a week. I just didn't want anyone to forget about this thread. :o

Hope you all are enjoying this despite what I will now call the 'Balkar Incident'. :o

 

Edited by EverSteam
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Damin's an interesting character. I thought the juxstaposition of droid inside/outside was well done.

 

The Balkar Incident (oh dear it has a name now) is just a very clear reminder that for as much as she's changed in some ways, she is still not a "good" person. She has some decency in a few select places, but that's about it. Complex character.

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Damin's an interesting character. I thought the juxstaposition of droid inside/outside was well done.

I'm glad you like him. :)

Thanks. :o I didn't want to force that point very much but it is a little crucial in the understanding of things.

The Balkar Incident (oh dear it has a name now) is just a very clear reminder that for as much as she's changed in some ways, she is still not a "good" person. She has some decency in a few select places, but that's about it. Complex character.

I'm glad you noticed. I was going for that but it's just a shame that it had to be Balkar... :(

Aw, I'd never forget about this thread. <3

:o

 

 

 

Part Two (no time lapse)

 

 

 

'When? Where?'

 

'After you left, with your contact, with the distributors, with everything.' I wave my hand as if further elaboration is pointless. This apartment is too small for our memories and confused feelings.

 

'I flew the ship to my father's estate on Dromund Kaas. While my father's people took care of trackers, I informed him of everything that happened and the misleading information I had fed them. I was then sent back to the Imperial Academy to finish my studies before being chosen to work for Intelligence instead of the military. It seems they thought I had already learnt important field work. It was quick, easy and bloody to work my way to here.'

 

Everything about him is expressionless, as if it was a story of someone else. I wonder if that's how I looked to Torian: distant, apathetic and slightly terrifying. I take his hand. If it was, then this is what he needs. I'm glad to see it almost makes him smile.

 

'I was on Hutta a few months ago. You left quite a mess to clean up.' He mentions it with no obvious meaning. It seems everyone has to comment on what I've been doing recently. I wish they wouldn't.

 

I let go of his hand and his neutral expression returns.

 

'But you still made the Empire profit from it, I'm sure,' I comment with a sly, cynical smile.

 

'Naturally.'

 

'And Cyclone has been shut down?' I ask cautiously.

 

'Yes.' In the silence that follows his answer, he only stares over my head. Eventually, he continues. 'After our dealings, I went to get the Cyclone analysed,' he explains. 'The data was sent immediately to my contact. We ascertained it was a creation of a supposedly out of business corporation called VereGen. I found an old employer and questioned him. His information led me to the head quarters and to the Resistance where I managed to gain access. It's gone.'

 

'But?' I'm not surprised he's telling me this. In the end, vague sentences mean nothing and I came here with no expectations.

 

'My contact left his position,' he calmly informs me. He doesn't make it sound like an evasion. But it is. 'I didn't inform my superiors of information I had on this.'

 

'Feeling a little guilty?'

 

'No. I'm getting information in return for my silence.'

 

'As good as credits or weapons to you, I suppose.'

 

'Better than both.' He drifts into silence and then continues. 'He's going to give me information on my companion. I need to sleep with both eyes open now.'

 

'But it's a smart move,' I meaninglessly assure. I can't imagine sleeping any other way.

 

'I know. Kaliyo called me a 'cowardly piece of filth'.' I don't understand the cause for the comment when bitterness, self pity and self loathing are empty from his voice and expression.

 

'You're spotless, boy,' I joke as I lean over and brush nonexistent dust from his clean white shirt. 'And only a brave fool would visit their psychotic fling from years past.'

 

'We never had a fling,' he retorts a little quickly. I see a glimpse of the bitter man again. I couldn't do what he wanted me to. But something in me I hate whispers that if I had gone with him, there was a remote chance of a happiness that has since left me.

 

'It sounds better than the truth.'

 

He doesn't reply. There isn't a title for whatever that relationship was. Kolto, pain killers and apologies can't make it better. There was only one thing that could of and it was the one thing I could never do. Will you ever put someone else first?

 

'So why do you let the Rattataki get under your skin? Like her?' I try to sound casual. I don't why I should have to try to sound something I should be naturally.

 

'No.' The silence drifts on and my mind doesn't wander. It has no where it really wants to wander to. So it stays here in the present and enjoys feeling close to someone, even if we couldn't be further apart.

 

'Do you hate me still?' I quietly ask.

 

'No. I didn't even hate you then.'

 

'You lie well now,' I despondently reply. Why are you talking like this? Didn't you just say you'd gotten harder? Where is that now?

 

'I don't lie to you.' I can't say anything in return to that. He was disarming me with words before Torian was. Seems it's a talent he hasn't lost. If he can affect everyone else the way he does me, he must be a good Agent.

 

But the words unnerve me for another reason. They're a succinct copy of what Gault said to me only a few days ago. I don't dwell on it. Gault's a habitual, slimy liar. It doesn't mean anything. From either of them.

 

'I didn't ever want to hurt you,' I confess in a quiet voice that is still too loud for this empty room that amplifies our words, breathing and already raging emotions.

 

'That's a lie.'

 

'Maybe.' I shrug and look away with a small smile. 'I'm not sure.'

 

'I understand. I have had to do what you did. I know you had no choice. I have had no choice. But there is a difference.'

 

'You get paid for it?' I jokingly ask.

 

A sad smile tugs at his lips. I wonder if it's now only the sad and fake ones that twist his defined lips into a full smile.

 

'Yes. I have never thought or wanted to free anyone. It isn't because I would be sentencing myself to death. It isn't something they have to brain wash or force, the way doing what you do in that room because something... enjoyable. It becomes almost a need and desire that keeps you awake at night and creeps into restless dreams leaving you in a fever. I will continue to for as long as it's necessary and I will never want or do what you did. I like it too much and them too little.'

 

I shiver. It isn't because of the picture he brings forward or how something insidious has entered him since we last met. It's because he's so right and I feel the craving stir again. But satisfying that addiction is impossible and can never make you happy.

 

'Are you happy, Damin?' I suddenly ask.

 

'No.'

 

'A little too honest for Intelligence, aren't you?' I teasingly ask.

 

'No.'

 

His tone is hard. It makes me look at him twice. I sweep the surroundings with my eye and listen. There's only us.

 

'Do you ever wish I didn't save you?' I ask abruptly.

 

'I don't know.' I smile and shake my head. I wish my answer was uncertainty. I wish every moment that Torian had let me die or that our places were reversed. But wishing doesn't change anything. Neither does crying.

 

'Come on, Damin, let's sit.' I sit down on the bantha rug and throw myself onto my back. He stiffly follows, lying down next to me yet with space between us. I'm glad.

 

'You have a close relationship with Gault Rennow.' He lets the pebble drop and watches what shaped ripples it will cause.

 

'It is,' I neutrally reply.

 

'You're sleeping together,' he asserts. But there's an edge in his voice that breaks the calm and dispassionate. He isn't quite perfect at hiding himself. Small things leak through that maybe no one else would notice. But he's close enough to perfect. Disgustingly close.

 

'You should have made that a question because you're wrong. We're just... friends.' I hesitate. The word doesn't seem right but there isn't a better one. I avoid the question of what Gault and I are. We're only what we always were but it feels like something has changed and I don't know when or how. Maybe I just never noticed something before and I'm the one changing.

 

'I'm married, Damin.'

 

'To Torian of clan Cadera,' he begins to recite, dulled red eyes distant as they see words that aren't there. 'You worked a job together on Taris and killed his traitor father, then he joined up with you and your crew. He became a Captain for an operation on Alderaan. Died aged thirty five months ago in a strike against the Republic Chancellor.'

 

'That's him,' I quietly breathe. The information being delivered so indifferently doesn't make the words or truth hurt less.

 

'He's dead.'

 

'I wonder about that sometimes,' I reply with a small, sad smile. His voice is too real, too close. 'Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome. He's still my husband. And I still love him.'

 

'I understand.' The stoic agent is back. I hate the Damin the rest of the world sees. I wonder if he feels the same about me.

 

But Leeriah is dead if she ever existed past a seven year old girl. He's speaking to a shadow that will fade as soon as the sun rises and morning comes. Her brief resurrection will end and Ravager Haran will be the one that leaves this building.

 

I reach my hand out to touch his cheek and turn his face gently to mine. The action makes something ache, and I feel like I just sullied a little bit of my memories. I withdraw my hand quickly and resist the hard urge to recoil in disgust.

 

'Gault doesn't know about him.'

 

For the first time, Damin stares at me with shock. I wonder when the last time was that anything shocked him.

 

'Pardon?'

 

I raise an eyebrow at the word but then lower it and shrug. 'I didn't mean for him to stay aboard. It was a temporary arrangement only.' So was the first and then two years past. It seems history will always repeat itself.

 

'He will find out. When he does, there is a 93% chance he will leave you and a 69% chance he will never stay in contact. But the chance he will become an enemy is a small one. Losing a valuable ally is the extent of the damage it will likely cause.'

 

The instant assessment is unnerving. I refuse to believe it. Something stupid in me tells me Gault will never leave. Because you never want him to.

 

'Possibly.'

 

'Ven seo ch'a ttan'ehah ebeucot,' he says with a small smile. You always were a complete idiot. I guess you had to be to do what I did. But I would do it again.

 

'Rab ch'ah recet hen veo ven ch'eo ebeucot.' But I liked it when you were only my idiot.

 

He moves his hand into my hair and smiles. He moves his other hand to my waist and leans into me, pulling me closer to him. But he only kisses my cheek before letting me go. He analyses its effect on me with a thin smile.

 

'I was never your idiot.'

 

'You were. You will be again.'

 

He sounds confident, like he had some way of knowing with certainty what was going to happen. I wonder what the calculated chance was that it is true. His arrogance is grating, his over confidence irksome.

 

I shake my head. I feel it would pointless to argue with him and I am far too tired to bother. I unconsciously begin to scratch my hand.

 

'What is your interest in Cyclone, Leeriah?' I'm not surprised he never asked sooner. His goals merged easily with mine and the reason why doesn't always matter until the end. It didn't matter because I wasn't going against him.

 

'I'm just helping my crime lord friend,' I reply flippantly. A poor evasion. He sees through it in an instance.

 

'You are better at lying to yourself, Leeriah, than others. You mustn't of made a good agent which explains why you would be given more honest roles at the base.'

 

I look at him sharply, my eyes trying to shoot him down. He always managed to see through me. But now it sounds like a clinical study through observation and interaction and that is his conclusion at the end of the study. I hate little more than people getting into my head. I will not be analysed. I will not be predicted and I will not be used or manipulated.

 

'Why were you interested in the Cyclone?' he repeats.

 

'Not for my own use if that's what you worried about.' I have my own Cyclone. 'For once, my intentions are good.'

 

'Are there still good intentions in the galaxy?' He asks bitterly and cynically. It isn't hard to replace 'the galaxy' with 'you'.

 

'No.' I look away. 'Not anymore.'

 

He slowly turns his head to me and watches me.

 

'You're crying.'

 

'If you are to be believed, sculag, then I would always be crying.' The same answer I would give at the end of our... official time together. He was always right.

 

'You are. Can I stop it?' Damin's voice carries gentle concern and pleading. I can't trust it. I can't trust him. But it sounds nice coming from his lips and being carried in his accented voice.

 

'Depends. Can you bring people back from the dead and grant people immortality?'

 

He frowns.

 

'Or you could just call me every now and again.' Another person to send you messages you'll never reply to? Heartless schutta. But I can't give him nothing but heartless jibes when he looks at me with those pleading, hurt eyes.

 

'I can't promise that.'

 

'Then it seems I'll be crying forever,' I reply with thick melodrama. The obvious threat and teasing gets a faster and more desired response than I thought it ever would.

 

'Once a month,' he instantly replies.

 

'Half month,' I return in barter.

 

'Three weeks.'

 

'Two or never.'

 

'Agreed.'

 

'Good.'

 

I rest my head on his chest. He idly raises a silver-blue hand after a few minutes and twirls my hair between his fingers.

 

'So you and your Rataaki friend aren't a couple then?'

 

'Yes.'

 

'Do you want to be?'

 

'No.' He pauses. I don't push the words he might never want to say. 'Yes' and 'no' are enough for now. 'I can't trust her. Right now, a datapad is streaming everything she's doing from listening devices in her rifle, chambers and armour as well as the ship recording her every movements.'

 

'I didn't particularly like her.'

 

'You never like any women,' he says with a small smile. I guess it's true. I don't. This revelation doesn't make me smile.

 

'I thought you might like her, so I spared her. I can still kill her if you want.' It's a genuine offer. I wouldn't mind.

 

'Can you make that an 'IOU'? I might need it,' he replies seriously.

 

'If you ever need anything, you can call. Which will be easy since you already are twice a month,' I teasingly remind. Something about him invokes me to tease him and I wonder if it's only because I don't want to get too close or too serious.

 

'I need someone I can trust.'

 

'Truly?' The concept is strange to me. I've never felt a need to trust another. Somehow, I could always imagine everyone around me betraying me in some way. I don't mind. I don't know another way to live then with a constant guard. Liar.

 

'Do you trust your crew?'

 

'Gault the slimy crime lord and HK-51 the mental assassin droid from a prison planet?' I pause to emphasise the stupidity of his question. 'No. But I don't mind. I guess it's because I have nothing to hide and I can kill them both rather easily.'

 

'Can I trust you?' Damin's voice is low and intent. His hand and breathing stop.

 

I wonder what the calculated outcomes of the scenarios where I have his trust are. They must all involve his gain or no loss because otherwise the Cipher wouldn't ask that of the galaxies most hated bounty hunter.

 

I roll onto my stomach and prop myself up on my elbows. I look at him in consideration. I kiss his forehead.

 

'You can always trust me. You're one of the three people in the galaxy still alive that I would never kill. And maybe you haven't noticed, but I don't exactly talk to many alive people.'

 

He nods at this. Of course he noticed. A secluded and hated person known to have an affection for him that will stop betrayal or murder from them and has combat training to provide military support would be a perfect confidant.

 

'The other two?' he asks calmly. His Imperial accent has gotten thicker since we last met so many years ago but I'm sure he can hide it with ease when he needs to. His jaw bones are also more defined, his... Don't. Just don't. That doesn't help anyone.

 

'Just because I don't trust my crime lord doesn't mean I want him dead. Other is a Jawa.'

 

'Named Blizz. Joined your crew twelve months ago but left after eight. Now travels with salvagers.' He recites the learnt information again, his dim red eyes becoming blank and distant as the words of memory appear in front of him.

 

'That's the one. So did you look this up before coming or do you always keep an eye on me?' I ask it in teasing but my voice is dead pan.

 

'Once I gained the means, I have been. Of course, there was no record of you for years.'

 

'How sweet. Do I have my own file?' I ask sardonically.

 

He doesn't reply. A Cipher never reveals the extent of information or sources.

 

'Have you ever thought of me?' He asks.

 

'No.'

 

'Understandable.'

 

'It's not.'

 

'It doesn't matter.'

 

'It does.' I pause and choke out my next words, hesitation closing my throat. 'I... am happy you're alive.'

 

'Alive or alive and here with you?' I don't like the way he asks the clarification. I don't know the answer to it. I don't like what it may mean to him. Whatever this is shouldn't come with expectations. But I need the boundaries I don't feel.

 

'Don't, Damin.'

 

'Why? Because I'm making you forget your husband and love me? Because I'm making you happier than you have been in months? Because I'm reminding you of how much you always loved me and still do?'

 

I roll away and almost pull out my blaster. 'I said 'don't', Damin. It would be a shame to kill you now after I saved your life.'

 

'Leeriah...'

 

'Don't call me that. It isn't my name anymore.'

 

'It will always be your name to me.'

 

'****, are you this g** d*mn charming to every woman you meet?' I shout in aggravation. The confession didn't mean to come out.

 

He gives me a thin, devious smile and his chin raises in Imperial pride. 'I am a Cipher.'

 

'And that answers everything. If I see you again, I will kill you. Don't contact me.'

 

I stand and begin to leave. I don't hear him approach. I only feel his arms encircle me from behind and pull me gentle back into him.

 

'I won't let you leave me again.'

 

'I never left you. I just didn't leave with you,' I correct with an indifference that is hard to hold.

 

'Then don't stay this time.'

 

The more earnest he becomes the heavier his accent gets. His voice surrounds me in a warmth more than his arms and body can. He bends down so his can kiss my neck, his lips resting there.

 

'Come with me.'

 

'And work for the Empire? Join your harem of fighters?' I sneeringly inquire.

 

'No. Just be with me.' He whispers the words into my ear with a light warm breath. His simple words and low and alluring. He kisses my ear from top to bottom. 'Stay with me, Leeriah. Please.' He kisses my neck again and rests his chin on it, pulling me into his arms tighter.

 

'You can travel with me on my ship, going from planet to planet. Come with me, Leeriah,' he repeats. His hand finds a hold on my waist and the other on my arm. 'You and me, Leeriah, for as long as it can ever last.'

 

Everything stops.

 

My brain. My lungs. My thoughts. My everything. I freeze like he shut me down: cut the power, spoke a code and now I'm empty and blank.

 

I break from his arms with a little difficulty.

 

'It would never last.' I look out the window and see the dense dark of fog has slightly lifted. The light is coming and Leeriah is fading. 'It's morning. We need to go.'

 

I walk out through the broken door. He is a Cipher. Nothing he says is the truth. But the truth sometimes means little to me. I will not work with him under false pretenses and I will not help an Empire I hate.

 

'I look forward to your call in two weeks,' I call back to Damin.

 

And then I leave him again, slipping through the alleys at a fast, silent run. But no matter how fast I can run or how hard it isn't fast enough.

Torian... should I be sorry yet?

Edited by EverSteam
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Complicated little pair, aren't they? lol

Only a little bit ;)

 

 

 

A few hours later...

 

 

 

I run up the cargo ramp, jumping onto the hard declining steel before it touches the ground and for the first time in a long time, my swift running is hard and loud. Gault is ready in the cargo bay, blaster in hand. HK stands opposite the door, blaster rifle at the ready and waiting to lock on to anything that might be following.

 

I run to Gault and stop in front of him, pressing my gun under his chin. He doesn't flinch and only looks me in the eye. Seems me holding a blaster to his head has become a new form of greeting used only by us and low life thugs.

 

'How many are following?' Gault asks with a nervous edge.

 

'None. Stand down.'

 

I don't move my gun from under his jaw and he looks at me with piercing curiosity. He puts his blaster back in its holster and HK disappears at the news that no organics are following. I make a note of talking to HK later. We haven't spent some quality time together in two weeks.

 

'If I told you, Gault, that you had to get smashed with me tonight or I will shoot you right now, what would you do and say?'

 

'"Put down the gun so I can go get seventeen bottles of whiskey and wine",' he replies smoothly.

 

I nod, give him a tiny smile and lower my gun, waving my hand as if he is now dismissed from my company and unwanted. 'Correct answer.'

 

'It went that well then, my dear?'

 

'Let's just say I don't want to see the colour blue for at least a week.'

 

'Ah, well, let me help you out of that armour then,' Gault replies with a sly grin. I grin back and I take off my breast plate and wrist guards without assistance, walking to under the stairs to carefully lay them down there. I roll up the sleeves of my under shirt and sigh.

 

Gault slips into his room and comes out with a rather large crate full of clinking bottles.

 

We move up to the holoterminal room and I take note of the fact there's a new message. Gault springs onto the couch and reclines there. I decide to take up my usual seat on the floor next to it and lean against the front, my head resting back onto Gault's thigh. The crate sits next to me and I rest my arm on it, the other already holding a half finished bottle.

 

Gault fills me in on his own trials of the night. A rival Hutt who is trying to make a name for themselves when none exists, tried a take over of his territory and he spent most of the night handing out credits and blaster fire. As soon as the hired guns on the Hutt's side realised Gault had more credits they were very willing to hand over the Hutt for a price. The Hutt's defeat provided him with a tiny profit of credits in the end and an expansion of territory. Gault only returned from celebrating in his cantina an hour before I got back.

 

'You know what I don't understand, Gault,' I begin after another two bottles and Gault's tale of the night ended several minutes ago. 'Why he never let them know where the base was,' I end after quite a long and unnecessary pause.

 

'I have no idea what you're talking about, my dear, but I'll assume it's about your blue-boy.'

 

'How penetrating of you, Gault,' I sarcastically reply.

 

'Not particularly. If that impresses you it's no wonder you married the Mandalorian.'

 

I scowl but Gault can't see it. The whiskey turns to mud in my mouth and resist the urge to spit it out across the room. I swallow hard and shake my head. 'He will find out.'

 

The small flashing light that signals an unwatched message catches my eye. I check the caller. Corridan. I shake my head and close the screen, leaning back down against the sofa, my heart feeling that little bit heavier. I wipe thoughts of the Mandalorian from my mind and continue my previous thoughts.

 

'I've thought it through and through and I know the how: the only way they could never have found out is if he cleared the galaxy map, flight history and lied to them. But I don't understand why. Why the f*ck wouldn't he tell them and let them level the f***ing place?'

 

'This might be a crazy thought but why don't you ask him?'

 

'Ask a Cipher why they betrayed the Empire? I'm sure that would go down well,' I mock.

 

'Or maybe you could just get a clue and realise he did it to protect you,' Gault harshly replies.

 

'Don't be an idiot, Gault,' I rebuke. 'Forget I mentioned it.'

 

'With pleasure.'

 

I crane my head back and on an angle so I can see Gault's face. But I can't. All I can see is his neck and jaw as he leans his head back and over the end of the sofa. His bitter rage hidden under biting sarcasm confuses me. I think about it for a moment and remember how I kneed him goodbye the last time I saw him twelve hours ago. I doubt that's where it comes from. We move on from everything: every incident, every underhanded deal, every bruise and every threat are all easily taken in our relationships stride. We don't dwell on anything for long.

 

'I thought you weren't seeing blue-boy tonight anyway,' Gault says eventually. He doesn't raise his head and I return to staring at the join of the ceiling and wall opposite me.

 

'Yeah, well, plans change,' I evasively answer. I finish the bottle and grab a new one before the last drop leaves the last one. I don't want to think of Damin anymore. I don't want to think of Torian anymore. I don't want to think about anything anymore.

 

'Gault, what would it take for you to leave me?'

 

I feel him raise his head look at me evenly and I turn my face away from him and take a drink from my new bottle.

 

'You running out of credits, my dear, but even then I might make you a dancer for my cantina. You already have the outfit,' Gault jokes with a strange void of humour. The formality of a leering remark is empty of any real feeling but I don't know what I expected other than that. I guess I wanted to hear something else.

 

I force a laugh like he forced a joke. 'I'll just have to make myself real poor real quick then,' I return.

 

He doesn't snicker or make a retort. Gault sits up slowly and I lift my head off his leg. He slips down to sit between me and the crate and eases and arm around my shoulder.

 

'You really suck at being a human, you know. But you're getting better.' Gault's arm tightens around me and I let out a bitterly content laugh.

 

'You suck at being human as well.' Gault smiles and looks to the opposite wall. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eye. 'What would a normal woman say now?'

 

'I can't say I speak to many unless dancers count.' He smirks and I chuckle and roll my eye under its closed lid. 'But I think she might decide to call it a morning and go to bed.'

 

I don't move. Something inside me feels a little more sore than it did a few moments ago.

 

'I don't want to be alone,' I reply in a quiet voice too firm to be a whisper. I'm missing the filter that normally exists between my mouth and brain tonight and I can only hope that when I wake up, it will be back there like it had never left me for twelve hours.

 

'We're all always alone, babe, and it isn't ever gonna change.' I don't make a reply. 'And since when were you alone? Last time I checked you were happily married to that Mando punk.'

 

'Are you ever going to use his name?' I ask evasively. Another opportunity to tell him passes me by and I know it won't be the last. But each time it gets easier and easier to not say, and it will only make him finding out that much harder and harder.

 

We were happily married once. For a handful of glorious weeks, we were married and happy. As the days pass, the pain of waking alone and with the knowledge the day and night will pass again without him, only becomes more and more. It doesn't get easier. Time isn't helping anything. And time is something I'm running out of.

 

'Apologies, Mrs. Cadera, but no, I'm not.' Hearing the title sounds strange coming from Gault. When I think about it, he's never used my name of any sort.

 

'A little jealous, are we?' I tease. I know he isn't and the thought of it is so ridiculous I can't help but laugh loudly.

 

Gault only grunts a reply and smirks, throwing his head onto the sofa base. I watch him for a moment and then look away. I catch a glint of HK wondering around the ship and frown. What's your ship like, Damin? Is it happier than this? I curse myself out loud and shake my head. Of course it isn't happier. He told me himself.

 

Gault raises his head a moment and gives me a curious look before reclining again, his horns digging deep into the soft cushioning and stopping his bald head touching the cushion.

 

'So are you going to me about blue-boy or not?' Gault asks with an air of boredom.

 

'Not much to say. He interrupted my date,' I slightly nudge Gault and snicker. Gault makes an 'umph' noise but smoothly moves closer, his arm becoming tighter. 'And then we just talked.'

 

'Talked?' Gault clarifies with disbelief and scorn.

 

'No, we were f***ing for the past eight hours,' I mock with a roll of my eye. Gault stiffens and moves away. I laugh and elbow him. 'Idiot. We only talked.' Gault keeps his head back and doesn't move closer again. I laugh some more. It's a strange noise in my ears, too high and feminine. I've never liked my laugh.

 

'Sure, babe, sure. I won't tell the Mando,' Gault assures me with a sneer.

 

'Wow, you must be more drunk than I thought, Gault. Talking means talking,' I end with a sigh. I don't know why I'm defending myself and forcing Gault to believe that's all that happened. It's the truth. Isn't it?

 

'Talking like we are now, my dear?'

 

'Similar. You know,' I dryly laugh at myself before continuing, 'Damin thought we were f***ing.'

 

'We can be if you want, my dear,' Gault replies with a smirk, his arm pulling me closer.

 

'Don't make me vomit, Gault.'

 

'Ouch, you almost hurt my feelings with that one.'

 

I roll my eyes but don't reply. I think about twisting Gault's arm and asking if that does hurt. But I don't.

 

'Stay with me tonight,' I request without thinking.

 

'It's morning, babe,' Gault evasively corrects with a sly grin, still looking straight ahead to the wall.

 

'Then stay with me until afternoon,' I retort.

 

Gault doesn't reply but pulls me up onto the couch and I lie down. He takes his seat on the floor again and my hand. I roll onto my side and bring my knees into my chest.

 

'You owe me for this,' are the last grumbled words I hear before giving into a dreamed filled sleep. But no matter what happens in it, no matter what the memories thrown at me are or how much pain is in Damin's eyes, I can still feel Gault's hand and he's still there when I wake.

 

'You're a f*** wit,' I whisper to him before going back to sleep.

 

'I know,' he replies with a self mocking laugh. 'F***, do I know it, my dear,' he repeats again with a sigh and I hear him take a long drink from a bottle.

 

 

-----

 

 

 

 

Gah, I hope that was alright. :confused:

 

 

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I think it's interesting the way she craves contact. I'd have to go back and reread the beginning of When I Wake, but didn't she used to avoid anything but violent contact?

Long explanation:

She did and would still kill anyone that tried anything, but Torian came along and that slowly changed in a way. Now she's a lot better with people she's close to. Her and Gault have been traveling together for over two years now and they were always physically close in a nonsexual way, so he isn't anyone though she did knee him when he became too close three posts ago.

And her and Damin... well, they're just complicated as you said. But they haven't seen each other in a decade after being emotionally close and she's a little... confused towards him as impressions people leave can be hard to wipe away and his appearance only made her realise how strong the impression was.

Though he likes her, he will use every tactic he has to use her seeing that she can be a valuable ally/friend and she knows this but still wants, well, a friend I guess.

She was also entirely alone after the Torian incident for three or so months and now feels a need to feel close to something to make her feel alive and is feeling lonely - almost like a normal person. ;) This just happens to be Gault since he's the only living thing around.

I don't know, it's more complicated than that. I can't really explain everything about her like this, she just... happens and sometimes she decides to throw my plan out the window and write her own. It's hard to explain :confused:

I guess when it comes down to it, she's just very angry but stronger than that she's very lonely and lost.

 

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Long explanation:

She did and would still kill anyone that tried anything, but Torian came along and that slowly changed in a way. Now she's a lot better with people she's close to. Her and Gault have been traveling together for over two years now and they were always physically close in a nonsexual way, so he isn't anyone though she did knee him when he became too close three posts ago.

And her and Damin... well, they're just complicated as you said. But they haven't seen each other in a decade after being emotionally close and she's a little... confused towards him as impressions people leave can be hard to wipe away and his appearance only made her realise how strong the impression was.

Though he likes her, he will use every tactic he has to use her seeing that she can be a valuable ally/friend and she knows this but still wants, well, a friend I guess.

She was also entirely alone after the Torian incident for three or so months and now feels a need to feel close to something to make her feel alive and is feeling lonely - almost like a normal person. ;) This just happens to be Gault since he's the only living thing around.

I don't know, it's more complicated than that. I can't really explain everything about her like this, she just... happens and sometimes she decides to throw my plan out the window and write her own. It's hard to explain :confused:

I guess when it comes down to it, she's just very angry but stronger than that she's very lonely and lost.

That makes sense...and of course the way she interacts with people, what she needs would change.

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Hours later...

 

 

'Gault, what time is it?' I mumble with my eyes still closed. I've been awake for a while. But like always, I feel a little shaky, a little uneasy and a little scared after waking. I don't know if it's better to sleep or be awake anymore. Everything I had certainty over is now unsure.

 

'By Nar Shaddaa time it's around dusk, my dear.'

 

I curse and sit up, taking my hand from his and running it through my long hair.

 

'I must say, watching you sleep for eleven hours gets pretty f***ing boring.'

 

I move the hand to my eye and wish I could press them and massage them. I consol myself with rubbing my temples.

 

'Two things, Gault: first, I'm not here for you f***ing amusement; second, feel free to leave any time. I'm still hoping you will.'

 

Gault stands up and brushes off his pants. What used to be a spotless ship has become dusty and dirty.

 

'Well, you know I'm not going to anytime soon. And I've always wanted to go to Iziz.'

 

I stand up and grunt a reply. I stretch and make my way to the cockpit, careful to step around the bottles. I bring up the galaxy map. I find Onderon. My finger hovers over one of its four moons for a moment. I shake my head and set course for Onderon.

 

I turn around to face Gault and raise an eyebrow at him as he watches me from the doorway.

 

'By the way, it wasn't always boring. You did speak quite a bit.' Gault gives me a devious smile, his face dark with shadows from the low lights. And I feel a little bit of fear.

 

'Oh? Say anything interesting?' I ask casually. I raise my hand and look at my nails. I've always hated my habit of talking in my sleep. I have a few theories about it but there isn't anything I can do. I only know it's getting worse.

 

'Not really. Said blondies name far too many times, Blizz's name, my name... a few phrases here and there - some in Mando.'

 

'That hardly sounds very entertaining.' I push off the consol and make to walk out. I feel a little relieved. But I still want to leave before he tells me what I don't want to hear, before I hear that I said too much.

 

Gault blocks my way with a relaxed arm. I look at it curiously and poke it with one of my very long nails to make sure it's real. Everyone who has tried to block my way ends up dead or with one less arm. But strangely, Gault remains the exception.

 

'No, that was the boring part. Though I did like the part where you moaned my name.' I raise a hand to his arm and begin to twist it. 'Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ok, you just said it, there was no moaning involved,' he admits with a sigh and a scowl.

 

I nod once and let go of his arm, expecting him to move it now he's had his fun. He does drop it, but then he does something curious and that is that he follows me. I stop on the platform of the stairs where the way divides into three: where we came from, the cargo bay and my room. I face the cargo bay and see the ghosts of memories.

 

'See the really interesting part was the 'no, don't go', 'please not that' and 'secondary' that was repeated again and again. And at one stage, I thought I heard a 'don't die'.' Gault steps closer to me and puts a firm hand on my arm to turn me around to face him.

 

'Is there something you want to talk about, my dear?' Gault stares at me with serious concern, holding my eye. I only stare back into it. There isn't any emotion there for him to see.

 

I grab his hand and begin to crush it. 'Don't touch me again.'

 

I let go and walk to my room. Gault doesn't follow.

 

'He will find out.'

Edited by EverSteam
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Around twenty four hours later...

 

'HK, I need to talk to you.'

 

I drop my hand from the intercom and where it restlessly finds a bare foot. My fingers stroke the cold metal, running up and down it as if trying to strum a sound from it.

 

A few moments later, I hear the droid walking up the steps to my quarters, metal clanging on metal.

 

'Greetings, master. I hope you slept well,' HK greets with thick mockery. I miss the days when there were at least two people on this ship that didn't mock or criticise me.

 

'Can the pleasantry crap. And yes, that's an order. I need to talk with you about something. Close the door.'

 

HK closes the door and turns from the panel back to facing me. I look up at it from my seat on the edge of the bed. In the low lighting I constantly have set, HK is dark and his yellow eyes glow with something far too close to sinister for a droid.

 

'Assertion: I need to talk to you as well, master. I was waiting for a moment to speak to you without the... Devaronian's presence.' It says the species with thick disgust and it makes me smile. Know when you've hit the bottom of the pits in loneliness when you start to enjoy the company of an assassin droid. And it brings back memories.

 

'Do you love her, Devaronian?'

 

'Make it quick.' I fold my bare legs and feet under me and rest my elbows on my knees, my chin on my entwined fingers.

 

'List: Braga, Tol... Jedi Knight. Status unknown. Resmond, Cyra... Jedi Knight. Status unknown. Tavus, Harron... Lieutenant Special Forces. Status unknown.'

 

I shift my hands so the fingers and thumbs make a triangle. I tap the corner my fingers make against my chin as I begin to think. It said the name distinctly. There is no mistake. An excitement passes through me that I find hard to contain. A slow grin spreads across my face as the droid says the last two names on it's list. I begin to laugh in a low chuckle. But I can't get ahead of myself.

 

HK continues as if it hasn't noticed the ecstatic and eager malice that has crept into the room and is blissfully suffocating me.

 

'Confession: I have detected an anomaly in my subroutines.'

 

'Oh? An anomaly? I didn't think the galaxies greatest and perfect killing machine got 'anomalies',' I smirk up at it, still tapping my power triangle against my chin as only part of my mind is in the present and talking to the droid.

I think if HK's lights were capable of lowering his eyes into a glare they would be.

 

'Correction: it is only one anomaly, master.' I chuckle and make an exaggerated apology. 'Apology accepted, or- master. Continuation: the target list I was programmed with years ago remains active in my memory core.'

 

'Interesting. Who put the list there?' My hands merge again and begin one large, tight fist. For a moment, I see myself using it to knock HK's head to the ground, clean off his skinny, metal neck. I shake my head. I squeeze my hands tighter.

 

'I can remedy that.'

 

'The Master, of course, master.' Interesting. But it doesn't matter in the end who gave the names.

 

'I see. Now, why don't we skip the boring crap and get to the part where you tell me that you need to kill them to be operating at "one hundred percent efficiency"?' One hand tries to break free from the other to wave away any more useless babble so I can get to asking him what I want to but the other won't let it go and so they both make a jerky movement together that is ignored in silence by the droid.

 

'Conformation: my operating efficiency has dropped by twenty one point four nine percent, master. Perplexity: but how did you know, master?'

 

'I saw your fighting on Nar Shaddaa. It was around ninety percent on Nar Shaddaa, you're now talking to me about this, even said there was an anomaly... did it ever occur to you that I am actually intelligent?'

'You're always amazing.'

 

'Confirmation: the thought has occasionally crossed our circuits, master. Continuation: my failure to liquidate the programmed undesirables has caused a cascade of system failure of vital systems.' Almost like a real boy. 'They cannot be removed manually as the programmer is deceased. Conclusion: the destructive subroutine will end immediately when I fulfil my programming.'

 

'So this is where you tell me you have all the targets locations?'

'Let's hunt.'

 

'Incorrect, master. However, I will set about finding them as soon as possible. Request: while I find the locations I would appreciate it if you did not mention this to your organic. It is important they continue to fear me.'

 

I'm not sure 'fear' is that right word to describe Gault's disgust? hate? irritation? amusement? that Gault feels towards the droid. But whatever makes it happy.

 

'Sure, HK. My lips are sealed.'

 

I feel like it gives me a confused look before turning to leave, as if thinking of questioning the metaphor or elaborating on this error.

 

'Halt, droid. I haven't given you permission to leave. I still have questions and new orders for you.'

 

'Apologies, master,' HK replies in a grating screech that almost sounds annoyed. It turns from the door and takes a step closer.

 

'Now, the people on your list... all have done something to greatly aid the Republic except for Jedi Knight Cyra. She's twenty eight. There was no way she was more than a padawan or any threat when that list was programmed into you. Why is she on it?' I demand crisply. Closest I've been to finding her in months.

 

'Confusion: I do not know, master. Conclusion: I can only conclude the Master knew something and knew she would need liquidating. The Master is all knowing.'

 

Always seems to come back to this Master. I remake my triangle and begin to tap it a little harder than before against my chin. It doesn't help me think but it helps find a vent for the restlessness I feel. I need to get moving. Hyperspace just isn't fast enough. I can't let myself think. I need to keep moving. I need more serum. My eyes flicker to the cabinet.

 

'Now, back to my new orders. I want-' I'm cut off half way through my sentence by my alarm on my belt going off. I scowl despite the fear. I switch it off. I breathe deep and leap from my bed, lightly running down the stairs. I take another deep breath that only steadies me because the human in me thinks it will.

 

I walk to the engine room calmly, my fingers clenching and unclenching. I don't let myself look around the cargo bay: ghosts flitter on the edge of my vision. Need more serum.

 

'Gault, what are you doing?' I calmly lean against the engine room door and look at him evenly.

 

Gault drops his hands from the door's panel and steps back. His red eyes narrow ever so slightly as he looks at me and I know he can feel that I am tense and ready to pounce.

 

'Nothing, babe. Just heard a strange noise from the engine room and thought something might need fixing.' He crosses his arms and I breathe deep. I know Gault well enough to know when he is lying. He is lying.

 

'I can't hear anything.'

 

'Well, maybe I just imagined it,' he muses with a shrug.

 

'Most likely. How many drinks have you had already?' I say with a smirk, attempting to hide how scared and angry I am. Being near this room makes me feel so much... rage and fear that after I leave it, I am only a shell and it takes hours until I can think straight again.

 

'None.'

 

'Sure, Gault, sure.' I roll my eye and then give him a friendly smile of sorts. 'Come on, let's go change that.'

 

I step up next to him and link my arm through his, escorting him away from the engine room door. HK stands in the doorway to my room and watches us approach the bottom of the stairs. I don't let myself hesitate. I walk up them and turn right towards the comm room.

 

'HK, I'll talk to you later,' I quietly tell him as we walk past.

 

Gault and I settle down into our seats and I pour us both drinks that neither of us will touch.

 

'How long until we land?'

 

'Five more hours,' I absently reply. The light is still flashing: Corridan's message remains unwatched.

 

'What time will it be there when we land?'

 

'Late afternoon.'

 

'Straight to work?'

 

'Straight to work,' I affirm. My eyes continue to watch the flashing light, my blank mind becoming hypnotised by it. My thoughts are moving so fast they don't stay long enough for me to define them: they remain more fleeting impressions and feelings.

 

'I don't remember the engine room having a lock or alarm the last time we were in there.'

 

'Probably because it didn't.'

 

'But it does now?'

 

'Obviously.' I slowly turn my head to him, my eyes reluctantly leaving the light, and I smile. 'I didn't want a repeat of last time.'

 

It was only luck and Gault's mind being on... other things, that Gault didn't notice It. I won't be so lucky next time. I had to take precautions. If he doesn't leave when he finds out about Torian, he will if and when he opens that door. For some reason I don't dwell on, I can't let that happen.

 

But if I was even more honest with myself, it's because I sleep easier with the door locked. Alarms can work two ways and so can locks. Every time the engine light flashes, every time something needs fixing and I have to go down into there... I withhold a shiver. I want to forget about that room. But I can't get rid of It.

 

For a moment, I think I see Gault's eyes narrow on me. But it's only a moment then he has his devious grin back.

 

'Mando punks orders?'

 

'Something like that.' I slowly turn my head to the light again. Yeah, it's something like that.

'Well, my dear, I think I'll turn in and get a few more hours sleep. See you when we land.'

 

Gault stands up, dusts his pants off like always, and then walks to the exit. It isn't until his foot makes a louder clatter on the first stair that I leave my daze. But I don't look at him, only the light.

 

'Sleep well, Gault.'

 

What else can I say? If you open that door I will kill you? Then he will. I know if I warned him away any more he would try to open that door and I would kill him.

 

What other choice would I have?

Edited by EverSteam
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"Open them all; go into each and every one of them, except that little closet, which I forbid you, and forbid it in such a manner that, if you happen to open it, you may expect my just anger and resentment." - Bluebeard, Perrault ;)

Exactly ;)

 

-----

 

A few hours later...

 

 

I open my eyes. I look with focus to the light. The cloud that the engine room leaves over my mind is gone and the sharp purpose has returned. I press play.

 

'Cadera,' Corridan begins. I immediately can tell from his large, blue holo figure that he looks worse. Older and tired, all residue of a youthful handsome Mandalorian has been from his face.

 

'I know you're travelling to Onderon. Don't think you can come so close to home and not pay your family a visit, do you?'

 

It's exactly what I think. And exactly what I intend. He knows it all too well and I knew that that was what this call was: an invitation and a threat. I guess that's why I didn't want to press play. I don't want to be called to the place I never had a chance to call home to be scolded for my long absence and silence.

 

I take a shaky breath and press pause. I need to steady myself. But I don't want to lean on anything: I stand with a straight back, feet apart and eyes closed.

 

It's not enough. I lean on the holo terminal with both hands and take deep breaths. All Corridan does is bring him bring back to mind. The months Gault had done to ease my pain and grief are quickly becoming undone. I know if anyone can run forever, it isn't me. Maybe Gault could. But I can't. I need to stand and fight. I take a large breath and this time it works.

 

I stand again and stare into Corridan's frozen, grainy eyes. My mind is a mile away. It's on the beach with the General. He's trying to tell me how to move forward - that the only way to get past the waves out to the calm is to dive through them, duck under and let them pass. But I shake my head. My hair used to be a lighter shade of red then, more like the shining orange of a setting Tatooine sun than the colour of dried blood. I wonder if they had something to do with it.

 

When I shook my head, my wet hair was so long it could swing all the way around my head and hit the side of my head where it grew from. My cheek can feel the sting of it and I can feel the raging Corellian sea around my waist as it tries to suck me one way and then push me another. But I won't let it take me. I try to take a step forward but my foot is caught in a strong undercurrent and I'm forced back three steps. But then I force myself forward again.

 

I remember staring at the horizon. Whenever the horizon was blocked by a wave too big to jump, I would stand my ground. The General would float over or dive under. But I always only took a breath, dug my feet in and braced myself, leaning forward like I was about to begin a race and fists raised like I was ready for a fight.

 

The waves would occasionally force me back a step or two, but sometimes they would go by and I would be able to advance. It took longer than the General's way but when I only saw open sea to the horizon with no more waves or buckles, I knew the fight to get to this point and to get to him was worth the setbacks and struggle: I took on the ocean - nature - to get to that point and I wouldn't of preferred to do it any other way.

 

Suddenly, I feel like this is what this is. Torian is waiting in the open ocean and I need to stand here, strong and unmoving, and wait for the waves to pass me so I can reach him with one slow step at a time. I've been ducking under waves. This invitation is one wave I will not dive under. I will stand my ground again.

 

I press play.

 

'I'm off world at the moment. Be back on Dxun with my squad in three and a half weeks. Look forward to seeing you. We have much to discuss.'

 

The messages ends, his form flickering and then disappearing. I put my hands on the top of the control panel and hang my head. I take a few deep breaths and close my eyes. I open them and wipe the message dated four days ago.

 

I turn around and I think I see a flash of red, the tips of a horn. But it was too quick to know if it was Gault or not and I can't hear anything. I doubt it was. It doesn't matter either way. For the moment, that wave is in the distance, growing larger and gaining force. When it comes, I will stand my ground and do what I need to.

 

I head to the cockpit and watch our slow progress to Onderon.

 

 

 

----

 

 

 

Two hours late...

 

 

'Did you know that Dxun, one of Onderon's four moons, comes so close to Onderon that every summer Drexls and other creatures can fly between the two planets?'

 

I take my eyes from the moons and look at Gault and HK. HK stands in the shadows of the right and Gault has his usual post against the wall on my left side.

 

'Negative, master.' I loll my head to the right and stare into HK's yellow lights, a small smirk on my lips. I'm really not surprised. 'We do not concern ourselves with information that doesn't assist the liquidation of organics.'

 

'Of course not, HK. I don't know what insanity over took me to think you knew something other than how to shoot a man's head off from two hundred paces without looking.' Gault makes a snicker and I turn my head to him.

 

'And let me guess, Gault, you don't concern yourself with anything that doesn't assist your eternal and insatiable quest for credits?' I raise an eyebrow in amusement. For a moment, the memory of one of my childhood teachers comes to my mind and I frown a little at the uncalled for memory. Organic memory seems to hold a lot of pointless crap while letting important things slip. I see organics from HK's perspective and feel what HK could never feel: fear.

 

'How well you know me, my dear.' Gault pushes off the wall and comes to stand behind my chair. He rests a crooked arm on top of the chair while the other snakes down my arm. 'But if you have any more fascinating facts about swamp moons and orbits I'd be happy to learn them on your knee.'

 

'Nice, Gault,' I dryly congratulate as I free my arm smoothly. 'I'm really amazed sometimes how you manage to turn anything into a suggestion of sex.'

 

Gault leans in closer and whispers into my ear. 'That wasn't but if your offering now...' Gault takes my hand and gives it a little tug, giving me that suggestive, slimy smile he seems to reserve for me. I shake my head and laugh. My hair catches in my eye and I take a band off my wrist to tie it back, taking my hand out of Gault's in the process.

 

A control officer comes on the comm and tells us we're clear to land.

 

'Roger that,' I reply. I begin the tedious process of landing the ship alone. I refuse to think of Blizz or Torian. So I turn my mind away from that but not quite entirely.

 

'By the way, Gault, Dxun is all thick jungle, not marsh, and has a Type I atmosphere. Dxun is also known as the Demon Moon because...' I smile to myself and bite back a laugh as I hear Gault groan and shove off my chair.

 

I continue listing as many facts I know about Dxun as possible and by the time we land, I've covered it's climate, animal inhabitants and history. There isn't the same animation in my voice as there was in my teacher.

 

I sigh. Gault springs on the opportunity to make another suggestion and I feel like we're going to be ok. After all, if Gault and I can survive me almost killing him, I think we can survive a few secrets. We need to for his sake.

 

 

----

 

 

I'm very uncertain of everything at the moment. I hope it's all still ok. :confused:

Sorry if there were more typos than usual in it. I could only be bothered proof reading once.

Comments are, as always, appreciated. :)

 

Edited by EverSteam
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It's good. Has me wondering where this is all leading :)

 

(On a related note - your bh is a pyrotech correct? I thought of her when I saw the shoulder cannon ability vans and pyros are getting in 2.0. Shoulder mounted turret, for real - it's like they read your story and said "cool idea!" lol)

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Oh yeah, the shoulder cannon is on its way (though I hope we don't have to implant it in our bodies like Leer:eek:).

 

I'm very curious where it is going. The number of functioning organics and droids in her life has increased since the beginning of "The life that's left". And this time they don't work together. Very interesting...

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I'm very curious where it is going. The number of functioning organics and droids in her life has increased since the beginning of "The life that's left". And this time they don't work together. Very interesting...

I'm glad you still find it interesting :D

*types sentences and then deletes them x 5* damn these hints that are trying to work there way into this reply. Just keep sticking around. It really will get better from here ;)

It's good. Has me wondering where this is all leading :)

(On a related note - your bh is a pyrotech correct? I thought of her when I saw the shoulder cannon ability vans and pyros are getting in 2.0. Shoulder mounted turret, for real - it's like they read your story and said "cool idea!" lol)

I'm glad you are wondering as well! (sometimes I do too despite my plan...)

You really made my day by telling me that! That's so funny! I can't wait for my BH to actually get one :D and Torian will be there and alive... *cough* I'm not sad about my choices at all.... not at all! <.< >.>

And as always, loving the story. :o

Yay! I was worried a little because you were silent :o

 

 

 

Once landed...

 

 

'HK, follow set orders one, two and four. Use tactic 1A revised, 5A and 9C.'

 

'Understood, master.' HK stands straighter if that's possible and stalks onto the ship, the cargo ramp closing behind him. I let out a breath I seem to always hold around the droid but it isn't because I'm scared of him. I don't want to think about why, I just know I feel more human when I'm not around him.

 

I don't look at Gault as I walk off but he follows at my side. I've always liked hanger bays: the high walls, the empty space and the general silence of a private hanger. My ship either seems to full and small or too large and empty. I don't think of it as 'home' anymore. There are too many things on there that stop it from having the comfort of a home and the memories aren't at the top of the list.

 

'So what's 'tactic 1A revised'?' So much for the silence.

 

I leer at Gault for a moment before looking ahead. 'Oh, just that HK should shoot anything that moves excluding me. At least, that was 1A. The revised part was made to include you.'

 

I wait for a sarcastic response that never comes and laugh airily in that way I hate. 'Don't worry, it's the tactic I use 90% of the time.'

 

'And the other 10%?'

 

I smirk and wink at Gault as we stop in front of the elevator. He only forces a shiver and frowns. My smirk vanishes and I know Gault is thinking about what my other orders were. I hope for his sake his mind hasn't also wandered to the engine room.

 

The elevator arrives and Gault and I lean against the far wall, watching the elevator door. I jump up onto a slight out crop of metal and let my feet dangle. We must both have had too many experiences in an elevator because our hands hover over our blasters. I doubt they were the same experiences though. I learnt the hard way to never enter an elevator without a blaster.

 

'You know, I did try to make it exclude hanger workers originally but HK had some confusion over that so now I just pretend I don't see the sniped bodies behind cargo crates in the hanger when I get back.'

 

'My dear, sometimes I really can't tell the difference between you and that psychopathic droid.'

 

We each push off our walls and stand at the door as it nears floor level. I consider telling Gault in explicit detail the differences between us. But I don't feel like teasing Gault.

 

'Yeah, same here.'

 

We walk out and don't meet any trouble. It's a nice city. But my eyes stray away from the light parts of the buildings and it's crowded streets with bustling and mostly smiling people. They turn to the dark streets between the tall buildings and they see the dirt in those alleys and more than a few paupers.

 

I glance at Gault and see his eyes are on any armed men. I smirk at that and weave through the crowd towards my contact. I look up to the sky and see the four moons. I stop when I see Dxun right above us, green and glowing. Gault is lost ahead but I don't notice. The other three are at quarters and halves, paler than Dxun and Dagri is nothing but a silver crescent on the edge of the horizon.

 

Why didn't I believe it would be so beautiful, Torian? From orbit is was as impressive as other moons. After seeing more than your fair share of them, the edge of their magnificence is dulled. But I don't know why but Dxun... is different. I feel something tug in me and know I need to be there.

'Cyare.'

 

I shake my head and step back, knocking a small kid over. I hear his cries and think someone is shouting at me for it. My blades extend and my turrets try to come out through my jacket.

 

There's nothing waiting for you there, I remind myself. I know that. I know it. But my breath catches anyway and for a moment I feel like I'm on the edge of crying. Gault pushes his way to me through the crowd and pulls me into somewhere. His hand is at my cheek and the other is gripping my shoulder. He's standing close like always and his mouth is moving but I don't hear a sound. He's bending down to try and catch my eye but my visions blurred. His hand moves from my shoulder to my neck.

 

I didn't know it would be so hard to be near there. Why can't this get easier? The exit wound only seems to get larger and larger, no matter how many bandages I tie around it. It isn't enough. It just isn't enough anymore.

 

I take a deep and shaky breath. But it doesn't work. I dig my nails into my palms and don't stop until I'm gasping in pain and my hands are orange with blood.

 

'Gault, I'm fine.' I shake free of his hands and turn my back to him. I find myself staring at a creamy white wall. 'It's just a little hot, that's all.'

 

'You don't have a fever, sweat or pulse, babe, and it's actually quite cool.' There's too much stern concern in his voice and not enough satire. Why can't he just say 'you're always hot, babe, when I need him to most?

 

'Well, that would be part of the problem then, wouldn't it?' I ask testily.

 

'No, I don't think it is.' Gault steps closer and I feel his hands on my shoulders. I curse him in my mind. I hate it when he's like this. Why can't he just not care?

 

My fists clench again, my nails slipping into their holes. I feel my blades extending. I shake free of his hands again.

 

'Come one, we've got to get to our contact.'

 

I walk out into the main street again. I don't look up. I keep my eyes directly ahead and I wonder what will happen when Gault isn't there to follow me. What will happen when the bandage clasp breaks like the lock on a door and Gault slips away?

 

I clear my throat uncomfortably and link my arm through Gault's. He leans down to me and whispers estimations of the wealth and perversions of different women in the street as if my hands weren't bleeding, as if I wasn't lying to him or keeping secrets, and like I wasn't breaking a apart a little bit further with every step. Isn't that what you want? Who would ever think that Gault would save someone's life for no credits?

 

'I thought you had never been to Iziz?' I ask teasingly.

 

'I haven't my dear. I've only been around the sectors a few times.'

 

'Oh?'

 

'Don't you know women are the same everywhere, my dear?'

 

I chuckle and take his arm that's linked with mine with my other hand and twist it behind his back, still walking. A few civilians stop for a few moments and watch us but no one approaches us.

 

'Excluding you, babe.' Gault gasps out. 'There's no one else like you.'

 

I look at Gault sharply. That f***ing sincerity and concern are back in his eyes and his tight frown. I don't know why I hate it, only that I don't trust it or like it. I shove him away and stalk ahead. He follows, rubbing his arm and I can feel his satisfied smirk.

F*** you, Gault. I shouldn't of revised 1A.

 

 

----

 

 

I feel like I write about her and Gault a lot but there's no one else around except HK for her to talk to... I hope that doesn't get boring. I don't find it boring to write about at least.

And she is taking a short trip to Dxun soon after all ;)

 

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Leer and Gault interactions suit me just fine. I'm kind of starting to ship them, if only in the platonic sense. She needs a warm body to keep her company, not HK. :o

That's good because here's some more ;)

 

----

 

 

After their meeting...

 

 

'So how much is this job paying, my dear?'

 

I look at my holo map of the city. I turn a corner and Gault follows. His footsteps echo through the streets when mine are quite thuds despite the sharp heels I wear. Gault's eyes always seem to glow red at night. If I didn't know Gault so well it might unnerve me. There's something in superstition that never quite leaves you no matter how sceptical or rational you are.

 

'90,000 credits. Interested in knowing how much you can steal from me?' I cynically inquire. I'm aware of the moons that are still above us and it seems to press on my shoulders that refuse to slump. I can't stop being aware of it. It's innocent but knowing glow seems to slowly wear down something in me.

 

'I would never-' Gault typically begins.

 

'Steal anything from me,' I finish with a frown. 'Shove the crap, Gault. So are you sticking around to help or what?' I ask impatiently as I turn another lit corner. People move without fear here but that's because they walk in the light. I notice the glances they give us and the subtle wide berth. I'm not in my armour but they still seem to feel unnerved by us.

 

'How much of the bounty do I see if I do?' It's been a long time since we had real business to discuss. I guess it's been a month or so since we did any real bounties together.

 

'10%.'

 

'40%.' He counters immediately.

 

'20% or none. I really don't need your help in assassinating a politician no matter how guarded he is.'

 

'So you admit you're a high price assassin now?'The words are an accusation I don't appreciate. Gault has no right to comment. None that I acknowledge at least.

 

'Don't really give a **** what you call it as long as it keeps me moving and paid.'

 

'Running away from something I don't about, babe?' Gault fails at sounding casual when it matters. Or maybe I just know him too well. I notice the slight sharpening of his gaze, the eyes that scrutinise mine and the slight frown that other's might miss.

 

'No more than usual.'

 

Gault laughs and I allow myself a small smirk despite the disgusted fear that grips my chest. You really have no f***ing idea, Gault.

 

We turn more streets in silence. My target is on the other side of town but I prefer to walk. Still, it's only a few more minutes and I'm not in a hurry. The longer I take the drunker my target will be getting. But I would also rather hurry away from the moons gaze.

 

'I'm dying to know, what's with the clothes?' Gault bursts out. I give him a quick smirk before we're separated by a speeder. We join again and keep to the side of the path. I take Gault's arm again and he gives me a small smile.

 

'Well, I thought you wouldn't want to join me on this so guns blazing wouldn't be necessary. I figure it's easier to attract the son of a rich politician when I'm not in armour and holding a gun or two.'

 

Gault chuckles and agrees. 'So the plan is seduce the son who will take you back to daddy's well guarded estate where you will slit the sons throat first and then the fathers? Didn't he mention a bonus for the son's death as well?'

 

'30000 credits,' I unnecessarily confirm. I know Gault listened to every word said. Anything to do with money doesn't miss Gault. I'm not sure I like it actually phrased and spoken aloud.

 

'Well, if you really want to snare him, I think you're top should be lowered just about this much.' Gault raises his free hand pulls the front of my top down. I allow the movements but shoot him a warning, moving my free hand to his arm where it begins to grip tightly. He only laughs again and moves the hand from his arm. I twist it once before letting go. I don't want him thinking I'm getting soft.

 

'Also, you're skirt is far too long. You fit in with every other prude in this city.' Gault's derision and disapproval is palpable.

 

I choke my laugh down and settle for a scowl. 'That's kind of the idea, Gault. I'm a rich woman, not a whore.'

 

'You c-'

 

'Finish that sentence and you will lose your arm,' I warn. I don't need to draw a weapon to pull through on the threat.

 

'Alright, my dear. I just wanted to help.' Gault leans down to whisper in my ear, his glowing red eyes bearing into my robotic, red light. 'If I were him, I'd try to take you whether you were in full armour or not, my dear.'

 

'Gault, you do that every two hours as you are,' I point out impatiently. He smirks, snickers and straightens. The day Gault actually tries something is the same day I will I decide to never kill anyone again. Both are highly unlikely events.

 

I lead him through the streets, checking my map every now and again. Eventually, after minutes of silence, we reach my destination. I stop in front of the most expensive looking cantina in the city and think this must be the place.

 

'So is this your stop as well, Gault, or aren't you coming with me?' I take my arm out from his and look the two guards out the front over. They do the same but not for the same reason. I take a deep breath and keep it all in.

 

'No, I've got some more lower class places to visit.'

 

'Ah, extending your Empire one unsuspecting planet at a time?'

 

'Obviously, my dear.'

 

'How long will you take?'

 

'Three weeks minimum, babe, if all goes well. I doubt I'll need your help for this one.'

 

'Call if you do need muscle. I'll be a few hours on this but I'm thinking I might be able to find a few other jobs for the next three weeks.'

 

'I wasn't aware Onderon had many farmers,' Gault replies with a sly grin. I flip him a sign with my fingers and he chuckles. I walk into the cantina unchallenged and scan the crowd for my target. I take a deep breath. Long time since I did this. Guess I'll find out soon if I still can.

 

Even under the roof of the three story cantina and hotel, I can still feel the moon watching me and I feel my control slowly breaking.

 

 

-----

 

 

After her job is completed five hours later...

 

 

I stagger onto the ship. HK is there to greet me and I'm thankful Gault is still out. I think he is. I can't concentrate my hearing or vision well enough to tell if he is on board. I'm not sure if he'll be back at all in the next few weeks. But I left HK with orders in case of the contrary.

 

'HK, in addition to previous commands you are to also follow order 3A.'

 

I don't look back as it gives me an affirmative. I climb the stairs to my room, my feet and shoes feeling as heavy as they are. My hands strangely shake as I undo the lock on the cabinet. I take the first vile I see and fill the needle. I don't feel the small ***** on my arm as it goes in but I can feel the serum go through my... veins.

 

I put the needle on my desk before the first sob comes. It is sudden and violent. It's followed by another. And then another. And another.

 

They escape my mouth like the questions in my mind escape the box I locked them away in. For each question I sob a little louder and a little harder. By the end, they are convulsions that shock through my whole body and leave me trying to gasp for air before the next one comes.

 

My hand finds the tooth around my neck like it always has when I think of him. The tooth slips into the crescent dent in my left hand sits there, cutting its way further under my skin as if it never wants to leave. It's never felt so heavy in my hand and I have never hated and loved it as much as I do now.

 

What can you do with the tokens of someone's life? What do you do with what they leave behind? When you are left with too much and to carry them with you is such a heavy burden but you can't throw away anything: what do you do then? How can you remove everything that they touched when the thing they touched most was your heart? Is it foolish to want to keep the dead with us by keeping things as they left it? What part of us harbours the stupidity that keeps the hope that they might return?

 

What can you do when you feel there might have been something unsaid and that it will stay that way forever? How can you live with the undone because that's what eats at your soul? How do you stop the memories and the thoughts of what could be?

 

How do you fill the hours and moments that they would have? What do you do when they are not there to greet you? To smile at you or be there when you fall? How can you continue to walk into rooms knowing they will never follow and they won't be there? How do you go home knowing that it's your home alone?

 

How can you smile knowing you're doing it without them? How can you stop the sadness and the memory of their dead body under your hands and in your arms? How do you keep the memories of their life over the memories of their death? How can you remember the touch of their warm skin over the touch of their cold skin?

 

How do you stop the voice that whispers to you of what they would do at every moment? The hallucinations of the sound of their footsteps or the gentle murmur of their voice to wake you from your sleep? What can you do to dull the pain of waking to know you won't see them that day or any after?

 

What can you do when the anger and sadness won't leave no matter what you do? What do you do when all purpose disappears? How can you go on when you know each day will be that little bit harder because they will never be in it? What can you do with the time you have left?

 

What can you do with the life that's left behind?

 

 

-----

 

 

 

The end is more a comment from the author (I'm referring to myself in formal third person :rolleyes: ) than Leer's own explicit thoughts. The questions are more to convey the despair and grief she is feeling that she cannot begin to put into words or define as she still struggles to come to terms with Torian's passing.

 

Edited by EverSteam
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