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The adventures of Forced Companions Daycare

STAR WARS: The Old Republic > English > Community Content > Fan Fiction
The adventures of Forced Companions Daycare

Anysao's Avatar

10.02.2012 , 03:24 PM | #301
Circles. We need more circles.
Ooh! In Elder Scrolls Online, I get magic spells and colossal PvP! That sounds cool, but one question, where do I get a lightsaber?
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Earthmama's Avatar

10.02.2012 , 03:34 PM | #302
LOL!!! To both Qyzen and drunk Corso!

epicfear's Avatar

10.10.2012 , 04:24 PM | #303
Please tell me you are doing more of these!

Also, when HK-51 comes out you should find a way to fit him in!
Copy this signature if you believe Timothy Zahn should take over the Star Wars EU

bright_ephemera's Avatar

10.12.2012 , 05:12 PM | #304
I am incredibly lazy, but I have no intention of abandoning this thread! I may not get HK-51 if he requires flashpoints...but...HK series. I do want him.

On THURSDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and LORD SCOURGE.

T7-01: Today = very special guest // children = learn great lessons
LORD SCOURGE: Today we are hearing from a Jedi. Not a very good one, either, but her hypocrisy is perhaps representative of her order, so it will be instructive.
T7-01: Satele Shan = amazing + awesome + special + best Jedi // Jedi = wonderful // Satele = great
A sour-looking woman with a somewhat distorted-looking custom model walks in. Her lips are slightly blue but she does not otherwise appear to have oxygen issues.
BABY KIRA: Somehow you're smaller than I expected.
SATELE SHAN: Greetings, children. I am Satele Shan, Grand Master of the Jedi Order.
BABY ASHARA: I didn't vote for you.
SATELE SHAN: You don't vote for the Grand Master.
BABY KIRA: Then how did you get the job?
SATELE SHAN: Well, the Jedi who matter agreed on it.
BABY ASHARA: Do you even have any kind of qualifications?
LORD SCOURGE: Nothing convincing.
SATELE SHAN: Ahem. I happen to come from a long and distinguished line of Jedi, as you of all people should know, Scourge.
BABY PIERCE: If they were Jedi, how come they have descendants?
SATELE SHAN hesitates.
SATELE SHAN: It's Jedi business. Don't question.
LORD SCOURGE: Satele, the word for Jedi who run around having children is "wretchedly half-hearted Sith."
SATELE SHAN: You think everything Force-sensitive that moves is Sith, Scourge.
LORD SCOURGE: They would be if they had any sense.
SATELE SHAN: ANYWAY, children. I'm here to say that the Force sensitives among you are invited to come train to be Jedi with us.
BABY TEMPLE: Not me, either!
BABY ASHARA: Well, duh. I'll come along, though, Master Satele!
LORD SCOURGE: I feel I should warn you that this Jedi has zero credibility.
BABY JAESA: She does have a son. I heard. I don't know how to feel about that.
BABY KIRA: Master Satele, that's a betrayal of everything the Jedi stand for.
SATELE SHAN: Technically we're only opposed to attachment. I only slept with the guy like once. No attachment involved.
BABY ASHARA: Your baby had an umbilical cord. I don't see how much more attached it gets.
SATELE SHAN: I abandoned and disavowed him at the first opportunity. I don't see the problem here.
LORD SCOURGE: Yes, you yourself are one of the few things in the galaxy you don't see a problem with.
BABY QUINN: So where would these children train? The Jedi Temple on Coruscant was destroyed by the Empire's superior firepower.
SATELE SHAN: We would go to Tython, naturally.
SATELE SHAN: …That was supposed to be a secret.
BABY QUINN preens.
BABY PIERCE. Huh. Did you just get something right?
BABY JAESA: That's kind of amazing.
LORD SCOURGE: It wasn't that amazing. Tython is the worst-kept secret in the galaxy.
BABY GUSS: But if we go there we can be Jedi, right?
SATELE SHAN: Patience, Ashara. Guss, Tython can be a very dangerous place. You probably don't qualify.
BABY KIRA: Dangerous? How?
SATELE SHAN: It's overrun by savage natives called Flesh Raiders. We keep trying to eliminate them but they keep respawning.
LORD SCOURGE: Your official policy is genocide?
SATELE SHAN, defensively: They're really mean, okay?
BABY KIRA: Let me get this straight. As a matter of basic policy you're encouraging the slaughter of the native species?
SATELE SHAN: Native? Please. The Jedi were on Tython first.
LORD SCOURGE: I think the Flesh Raiders can claim squatters' rights after 25,000 years.
SATELE SHAN: It's Jedi business. I don't have to listen to you. Anyway, I should go. I'm scheduled for a very busy afternoon of being a great and famous voice for peace.
BABY PIERCE: Peace unless you're a Flesh Raider.
LORD SCOURGE: Or any Sith Master Satele claims she can sense treachery in, which is all of them.
SATELE SHAN: We wouldn't have to fight you all the time if you would just recognize that our philosophy is the only correct one and everybody who disagrees must be locked up, brainwashed, or killed. The Jedi are our only hope for peace.
LORD SCOURGE, BABY TEMPLE, BABY PIERCE, and BABY QUINN exchange skeptical looks.
BABY QUINN: There is an alternate means of establishing peace, Jedi.
BABY QUINN: It simply entails eliminating you and the rest of your order.
BABY QUINN presses a small remote control. Several ITTY BITTY WAR DROIDS scurry out from the kitchen and toybox. One of them climbs out of KARAGGA THE UNYIELDING's pet cage.
KARAGGA THE UNYIELDING: Stop illegally modding my walker.
BABY QUINN: I'm putting it to better use.
KARAGGA THE UNYIELDING: Can I at least ride it out into battle? I hate this cage.
BABY QUINN: The Empire has no further use for you, Hutt. You can rot where you are.
KARAGGA THE UNYIELDING: My next exchange-of-unimaginable-wealth deal is so going to the Republic.
The ITTY BITTY WAR DROIDS surround SATELE SHAN, pointing suction-cup blasters at her.
BABY QUINN: I have you now, Jedi.
SATELE SHAN: I don't think that's true at all.
SATELE SHAN waves negligently.
SATELE SHAN: Hey. Somebody. You're uniquely qualified to help me with this, so get on it. I'm not inclined to expend the effort myself right now.
BABY PIERCE: You think there's effort involved in dealing with Quinn?
BABY PIERCE leans over and punches one of the ITTY BITTY WAR DROIDS into scrap.
BABY QUINN: That droid was for crushing Jedi! You like crushing Jedi!
BABY PIERCE: Not as much as I like making you miserable.
BABY QUINN: The rest of you! Attack!
SATELE SHAN: Children? Someone? Clean this up for me. I don't have all day here.
As the ITTY BITTY WAR DROIDS clank into action, flinging suction cup darts at SATELE SHAN, BABIES JAESA, ASHARA, and KIRA charge forth and start cleanly disabling the droids. BABY GUSS charges forth and flails ineffectually. BABY JAESA wrests a toy blaster from the last of the droids and turns on BABY QUINN with an evil grin. BABY KIRA grabs her wrist and gives her a stern look.
BABY KIRA: Be nice.
BABY JAESA: Oh! Right.
BABY JAESA looks adorable and innocent.
T7-01: Quinn = misbehaving // suction dart blasters = strictly forbidden
BABY QUINN: I dismantled the defenses of the clubhouse. We were still allowed to use those. You never specified that they had to stay attached to the house.
T7-01: Suction dart blasters = going back to the turrets // Quinn = no clubhouse privileges anymore
BABY QUINN: What!? How am I going to play Crush the Republic without the clubhouse defenses?
T7-01: Quinn = should have thought of that earlier
LORD SCOURGE: The droid is right. Additionally, you wasted this attack on the Grand Master of the Jedi Order when there were three would-be Jedi padawans eager to prove themselves in the room.
LORD SCOURGE: In any case, Quinn, it was a total waste of your one chance to take advantage of the blaster-rules loophole.
BABY QUINN, despondently: I could probably have planned this better.
SATELE SHAN: And it's times like this when I start thinking maybe we don't have to be all that worried about the threat posed by the Empire.
LORD SCOURGE: Don't get too comfortable.
SATELE SHAN: Leaving now. Jaesa, Ashara, Kira, stop by Tython later and you can help me with the Flesh Raider genocide.
BABY KIRA and BABY ASHARA exchange dubious looks.
BABY KIRA: That's bad, Jaesa.
BABY JAESA: But...the Grand Master of the Jedi Order said...
BABY KIRA: I know she's good in theory, but her recommendation is pure evil.
BABY JAESA: I have no idea how to react to that.
LORD SCOURGE: You never do.

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epicfear's Avatar

10.12.2012 , 08:00 PM | #305
Technically, it doesn't matter because either way, she is a hypocrite. Also, I would love it if temple and quinn decided to create a device that would remove all of the good from jaesa, but it backfired and split off the good instead. Jaesa versus dark jaesa ftw!
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iamthehoyden's Avatar

10.13.2012 , 08:52 AM | #306
This was GLORIOUS!!
Hypocritical Jedi and insane Sith....they really overrun most of their respective factions. Pity really.
aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Fan Fiction: My Name is Solomon Crae The Man in the Box

epicfear's Avatar

10.15.2012 , 03:25 PM | #307
Are you suffering from writers block right now? Because this is seriously the best story i have ever read on the internet.
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bright_ephemera's Avatar

10.16.2012 , 12:59 PM | #308
@epicfear I'm flattered …writer's block has been sitting squarely on FCD for a little while now. But here, Qyzen Fess can be useful for a bit:

On MONDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and KHEM VAL.

BABY QYZEN FESS is on the hunt.
BABY QYZEN FESS runs away.
BABY CORSO: I'm starting to see why SCORPIO shock-stuns the children all the time.
BABY VECTOR, hugging himself: Perhaps experimenting on a reptilian creature will distract her from experimenting on us.
BABY CORSO: You realize there's only one of you, right?
BABY CORSO: Never mind. Just hang in there, maybe SCORPIO will go after Qyzen Fess instead of you after all.
BABY QYZEN FESS notices a FINGERLING by the toybox and charges. The FINGERLING skitters out of the way.
BABY CORSO: Do those things even count?
BABY QYZEN FESS: They have tummies. Scorekeeper will be pleased.
BABY QYZEN FESS slams one arm into the toybox and jabs at something therein.
BABY VECTOR: The nest wishes to inform you that "ow."
BABY QYZEN FESS is already scampering toward where BABY RUSK is trying to get his stuffed-animal squad to salute. The stuffed sleen's arms aren't long enough to do it right.
BABY QYZEN FESS, tossing BABY RUSK out of the way and tagging left and right: Point! Point point point!
BABY RUSK runs back, shoves angrily at BABY QYZEN FESS, and falls to his knees facing his fallen squad.
BABY RUSK: Your deaths won't be in vain.
BABY RUSK: My squad. You killed them. You killed them all.
BABY RUSK sheds a baby manly tear.
BABY QYZEN FESS: No, I didn't. I just tagged them. They're fine.
BABY RUSK: Wait, really?
BABY QYZEN FESS: Yes. Scorekeeper only requires tummy tagging.
BABY RUSK, awkwardly: Oh. It's just that nobody ever attacks my squad except to kill them.
BABY QYZEN FESS leans over as if to pat BABY RUSK's shoulder. But tags his tummy instead, then runs away.
BABY QYZEN FESS sets his sights on BABY AKAAVI. BABY AKAAVI crosses her arms and glares.
BABY QYZEN FESS: You have the look of a warrior. Will be great honor to tag you.
BABY AKAAVI: You can try.
The children gather to watch as BABY AKAAVI and BABY QYZEN FESS square off. BABY CORSO silently hands BABY AKAAVI a long ruler to use as weapon. BABY VECTOR, out of a sense of fairness, provides one to BABY QYZEN FESS.
BABY QYZEN FESS: For Scorekeeper!
BABY QYZEN FESS charges. BABY AKAAVI nonchalantly swats his attack aside, flurries through his defenses, swings her weapon wide, and darts in to tag BABY QYZEN FESS's tummy.
BABY QYZEN FESS immediately falls over and curls up, whimpering. BABY AKAAVI sets a victorious boot on top of him.
BABY AKAAVI: This victory will bring honor to my clan. I think.
BABY AKAAVI looks down and stomps a little harder on BABY QYZEN FESS to get his attention.
BABY AKAAVI: Does your Scorekeeper assign honor to Mandalorians?
BABY QYZEN FESS: I am dishonored forever. No more points. Everything is terrible.
BABY AKAAVI: Hm. I will provisionally state that this victory has brought honor to my clan.
BABY CORSO: He doesn't have to die or anything, does he?
T7-01: Dying = strictly prohibited
KHEM VAL: We should not discourage the children's cultural traditions, Teeseven.
T7-01: Forced Companions = discourages homicidal traditions all the time // Khem Val = only complaining because he wants to watch blood sport
KHEM VAL: Tulak Hord would've allowed the killing blow.
BABY AKAAVI: Tulak Hord sounds interesting.
KHEM VAL: He would have liked you, little Mandalorian.
BABY QYZEN FESS, sniffling quietly: Dishonored. Forever.
BABY VECTOR: There, there. It could be worse. SCORPIO could be here to make further observations.
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bright_ephemera's Avatar

10.16.2012 , 01:01 PM | #309
A special long FCD after a special long server maintenance delay! I believe Vesaniae suggested one of today's guest stars, though she writes him much more awesomely than I know how to…


BABY QYZEN FESS jumps out from behind the toybox and leaps to tag KHEM VAL's tummy.
KHEM VAL: I should really make you into the morning snack.
LORD SCOURGE: His species doesn't taste very good.
Everybody turns to stare at Lord Scourge.
LORD SCOURGE: I am only telling the truth.
LORD SCOURGE smiles unsettlingly at BABY QYZEN FESS.
BABY KIRA: I thought you couldn't get any more points anyway, Qyzen? You were dishonored. Plus, you already got points on all of us before that.
BABY QYZEN FESS: It all resets on Tuesdays.
LORD SCOURGE facepalms.
KHEM VAL: Moving on to less ridiculous subjects. Children, we have some returning guests today.
Six very young children in fearsome outfits toddle in. They are wearing an assortment of close-fitted, face-concealing helmets, some feathered, some metallic, one resembling a human brain in texture.
BABY DREAD MASTER 1: Tremble, children. We are in town for the morning.
BABY DREAD MASTER 4, waving his arms impressively: HssssSSSSSsssskhaaaa!
The room goes quiet.
BABY DREAD MASTER 1: For stars' sake, Four, wait for the signal. You look like an idiot when you go off by yourself like that.
BABY DREAD MASTER 4 hunches up sulkily.
BABY DREAD MASTER 6: We agreed on methods of intimidation that are less easily confused with "My mask is slowly asphyxiating me."
BABY DREAD MASTER 4: "Ooga booga booga" was the next best option, you jerks, and you won't let me do that, either.
BABY DREAD MASTER 2: I'm sorry, guys. We're having kind of an off day. Um, how are you all?
BABY KIRA: Fascinated by the train wreck, I can tell you that.
BABY DREAD MASTER 1: Terrified and fascinated, I hope.
KHEM VAL: I was expecting better entertainment than this, little Sith.
LORD SCOURGE: Have you been up to anything exciting since your last visit, Dread Masters?
The BABY DREAD MASTERS exchange looks.
BABY DREAD MASTER 1: You could say that, yes.
Before the BABY DREAD MASTERS can continue, a chill ripples through the room. The door sweeps open and a tall, slim Sith in long robes and a blank metal helmet steps in.
The BABY DREAD MASTERS exchange looks again.
BABY DREAD MASTER 4: Our hat-masks are scarier.
BABY DREAD MASTER 1: Definitely. Ours are terrifying.
BABY DREAD MASTER 6: Mine's got feathers.
BABY DREAD MASTER 2: I dunno, there's a certain elegance to the monochrome curved metal and the air of –
DARTH JADUS: Children. Kneel before your betters.
The children instinctively kneel. All except BABY DREAD MASTER 3.
BABY DREAD MASTER 3, looking around at KHEM VAL, LORD SCOURGE, and DARTH JADUS: Hsst! Guys! Help me out here! Which one's our betters?
BABY DREAD MASTER 1 Force yanks BABY DREAD MASTER 3 to his knees before DARTH JADUS.
DARTH JADUS: You are wise. Now. I come before you today to –
LORD SCOURGE: Is that blood?
LORD SCOURGE: All over the hem of your robes. Is that blood?
DARTH JADUS: Yes. There was a father-daughter picnic on Korriban earlier today.
KHEM VAL: No tracking blood in on the floor.
LORD SCOURGE: Our employer gets very irritable about it.
KHEM VAL: He accuses us of murdering things.
DARTH JADUS: You are a Sith and a Dashade. Isn't murdering things in your very nature?
LORD SCOURGE: Try telling that to Teeseven.
KHEM VAL: Please. Just mind the mess.
DARTH JADUS: I am here to seek servants for my new vision of a glorious Empire, an Empire ruled by fear, misery, and the unshakeable rule of the powerful and the cruel.
LORD SCOURGE: Really? Sign me up.
KHEM VAL: Me, too.
The BABY DREAD MASTERS confer among themselves.
BABY DREAD MASTER 2: Excuse me, Mister Darth Jadus? Sir?
BABY DREAD MASTER 1: What he means is, my lord, can the terrifying be in your unshakeable rule, too?
DARTH JADUS: Certainly. I mean to spread horror and degradation to every corner of the galaxy.
BABY KIRA: That's a questionable form of government.
KHEM VAL: I've not heard such an excellent campaign platform since the days of Tulak Hord.
BABY DREAD MASTER 4: I bet you could use six completely terrifying scariness machines for your plan. Ooga-
The room falls silent.
LORD SCOURGE: Jadus, you're actively dripping. You really will have to go outside.
KHEM VAL: He's right. This isn't Chabosh, you know. Rivers of blood are against daycare policy.
DARTH JADUS: You cannot command me, slave.
KHEM VAL: I was ravaging Yn and Chabosh when your great-great-great-great-grandfather wasn't thought of yet.
DARTH JADUS stands, very calmly, and tilts his head a little bit.
KHEM VAL: Please don't hurt me.
DARTH JADUS: That is what I thought. Now, who will come with me to –
BABY QYZEN FESS launches himself from where he had been sitting and reaches out for DARTH JADUS's tummy.
DARTH JADUS raises a hand and Force swats BABY QYZEN FESS aside. BABY QYZEN FESS stays curled up in a ball, shaking.
BABY KIRA: Hey, does that mean you're dishonored this week too and can't get any more points?
BABY QYZEN FESS, irritably: Maybe.
LORD SCOURGE: Hmm. Thank you, Jadus. We are in your debt.
BABY DREAD MASTER 1, eyeing the shaking BABY QYZEN FESS: I bet we coulda done that.
BABY DREAD MASTER 4: Definitely. Where's the little fish-guy? We could melt him to jelly, easy.
LORD SCOURGE, pointing at the quivering pile of nap mats in the corner: He's been like that since Darth Jadus came in.
DARTH JADUS: I am nothing if not efficient.
BABY DREAD MASTER 1: We will have difficulty terrifying anybody if you're going to flatten the room the second you step in.
DARTH JADUS: As my servants I will send you forth to work my will and herald my new age. You can terrify people while you're out on assignment.
BABY DREAD MASTER 4: Excellent. We are the scariest guys ever. Ever. – Hey, One, can we do the hissing thing already?
BABY DREAD MASTER 1: Oh, all right. On three. One, two –
BABY DREAD MASTERS, waving their arms impressively: HsssssssssSSSSSSsssssss
DARTH JADUS nods in approval.
DARTH JADUS: New plan. I will adopt these six.
DARTH JADUS: Now. My servants have been chosen. Let us drive the remainder of these children to madness and self-destruction, then break for lunch.
KHEM VAL: Oh, no. You're not driving our regulars anywhere.
DARTH JADUS: I thought you wanted fear and devastation, Dashade? A return to the glories of Tulak Hord?
KHEM VAL: I have spent way, way too long not-murdering these kids to let some schmuck walk in and do it for me now.
DARTH JADUS: You may devour them all once they are driven mad by the purifying darkness. It makes little difference to me.
KHEM VAL: When I kill them all I'll do it solo, thanks.
KHEM VAL: Okay, it'll be a Forced Companions staff thing. You haven't earned the right, Jadus.
BABY KIRA, nervously: Um. Mister Khem Val?
KHEM VAL: Relax, little Jedi. That day is not today.
BABY KIRA: Not very comforting.
BABY DREAD MASTER 2: Darn. Hey, can you guys make at least one of the kids feel better so we can terrify somebody ourselves here?
DARTH JADUS: No. My plans call us elsewhere. Come with me and you will help to usher in a new epoch of terror.
BABY DREAD MASTER 2 and BABY DREAD MASTER 4 high-five each other, as do BABY DREAD MASTER 3 and BABY DREAD MASTER 6. BABY DREAD MASTER 5 makes a chillingly ominous fist pump.
BABY DREAD MASTER 1: A little dignity, guys?
BABY DREAD MASTER 2: Right. Uh, yes, great master. We'll be the most terrifying servants of darkness ever!
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MilaniGrey's Avatar

10.16.2012 , 01:04 PM | #310
Lol I love Baby Akaavi.

Also, Vesaniae says: "Omg yay Jadus "
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