A story which features Darth Nox, as the former pureblood slave from the disgraced House of Kallig, sets in motion plans and schemes upon her ascension to the Dark Council, which will bring her closer to her ultimate goal ...

TABLE OF CONTENT

- http://www.swtor.com/community/showpost.php?p=9210727&postcount=2]An Unepected Guest

DROMUND KAAS, Dromund System, Esstran Sector

„Never“, the chained man breathlessly muttered. His body squirming as he fought off the inflicted pain he had endured. “You will not get from me what you want. Vermin! Traitor”, he said, a weakened, yet still defiant look in his eyes. Darth Nox looked at him, a sarcastic smile played on her lips. “Really, Lord Kildred”, Nox said, her voice dripping with malice, “why do you struggle? Why persist? In the end, you will give me what I seek.” The Dark Lord laid a gloved hand on her prisoner’s forehead, who twisted his head in order to evade the touch. Nox pressed the tips of her finger firmly on Lord Kildred’s head. A light purple glow emitted, as the Dark Side of the Force began to invade the body of the tormented Human Sith Lord again, inflicting unspeakable pain. Nox slightly amplified the Dark Side, paying no attention to the screams and the terrible twisting that Lord Kildred’s body underwent as seconds became an eternity of agony for him. Close … so close. Nox felt that she was close to breaking the mental barrier of the Sith Lord. And then she’d be able to invade his mind and get the knowledge that she sought.

Nox felt the approaching presence of her apprentice Xalek and stopped the torture for a brief second. Lord Kildred gasped for air. Nox paid no attention to it as she turned towards the door. “Come in Xalek”, she said, feeling a somewhat unusual anxiety in her apprentice. The door opened with a silent hiss and the Kaleesh entered the practice room of Darth Nox’s luxurious apartment on Dromund Kaas. He approached his master with fast steps and bowed. “My lord”, the somewhat muffled voice by the bone mask on his face. “What is it, my apprentice”, Nox said. “Darth Marr, my lord”, Xalek said, “he has arrived. Unannounced.” A surprised look appeared on Nox’s face. “Really”, she said, “it seems that once again I’ve forgotten how powerful he is. He’s shielding himself in the force again, I couldn’t sense him entering the apartment.” Xalek nodded. “Yes, master.” “Hang on”, Nox said, “did he come alone?” “Yes, master”, Xalek replied, “he wants to speak to you.” “Did he tell you why he came here”, Nox asked. Xalek shook his head. “No, master.” Nox’s pupils narrowed to small slits. “Make sure that our guest doesn’t forget what agony feels like, I’ll break him once Darth Marr has let. Just make sure that he doesn’t scream.” Xalek bowed as his master turned around and headed out the door.

Upon leaving the practice room which Nox had turned into an interrogation chamber until her matter with Lord Kildred was resolved, she felt her loyal Dashade moving next to her in the shadows – loyal assassin and bodyguard that Khem was. “Khem, stay outside the reception room”, Nox said as she made her way towards the room where Darth Marr was waiting for her, “I don’t know whether Marr can sense you when you’re in the shadows but I don’t want to anger him if he can.” The Dashade’s presence when cloaked in the shadows was like a black hole for Force Sensitives. Unable to see and feel them, Khem was a danger to all but the most powerful Force Sensitives. But Nox did not want to make the mistake of underestimating Marr again. She had spent only very little time in his presence, even since her appointment to the Dark Council about a month ago, yet every time she had, she had felt the strength with which the Dark Lord was connected to the Force. Nox wondered whether Marr was able to feel Lord Kildred. When Khem had brought the Sith Lord before Nox, she took measures to shield his presence so that other Sith on Dromund Kaas wouldn’t realize what was happening to him. It was not like the Dark Council had taken issue with her decision to purge the most loyal Thanaton supporters from the ranks of her Sphere of Influence. But the abduction and the torture of a high ranking Sith Lord, who had overseen the Sphere’s Excavations on Onderon was probably an entirely different matter.

Nox arrived at the door of the reception room and still, she was unable to get a clear feeling of Darth Marr. What she sensed was something akin to an empty spot in the all-surrounding Force and weak in that spot, she felt the faintest possible echo of a presence. Marr’s decision to shield himself made Nox question what the true purpose of his arrival was. It was impossible that he had brought Force Cloaked Warriors and Assassins with him. Nox was too strong in the Force not to sense them. To this date, she had only met a couple of living people in the universe who were able of shielding themselves from her Presence in the Force. Ready for anything, Nox took a final step towards the door which opened with a small hiss again.

Marr sat on one of the large cushioned chairs that filled the reception hall. Standing a few steps next to him was 2V-R8, Nox’s loyal droid servant. A bit clumsy as always, 2V-R8 welcomed his master with a stiff bow. “Hail to you, Master”, the droid said in his submissive voice, “may I tell you how well fit and splendid you look today? May I offer you some refreshments?” Nox turned her head towards the droid, all the while noticing that Marr had chosen to remain seated when she entered. Even though both sat on the Dark Council and were technically equal, Marr had seniority and was seen as one of the most powerful among the Dark Councillors. A circumstance which Nox had chosen to accept. For now, until her schemes would come to fruition. “No thank you, 2V-R8”, she said to the droid, “I trust you have offered our revered guest the same?” “Yes, master, but unfortunately, your guest declined any kind of refreshments I offered to him”, the droid said with a weepy voice, “but, master, I have to admit that we’ve run out of the Corellian Sweet Rolls that you favor, I am terribly sorry and I…” “That’s enough, 2V-R8”, Nox interrupted the droid’s ramblings. “Leave us.” “Yes, master”, the droid said, bowed again and went out the door.”

Nox finally fully turned towards her guest. “Welcome, Darth Marr”, she said. “The Emperor’s Blessings upon you”. “And upon you”, Marr replied, before continuing with slight sarcasm in his voice, “thank you for keeping your shadow killer outside.” Nox raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware you could sense Khem”, she said. “Not many people can”, Marr said dismissively, “but you must never remember whom you are dealing with, Nox. The members of the Dark Councils – you included – have all earned their seats via achieving exceptional things for the Empire and by displaying unmatched command of the Force.” The red skin of Darth Nox darkened and she looked upon Marr with unfiltered anger. “Is this why you came here, Marr? To give me a lecture?” “Not at all”, the leader of the Sphere of Defense of the Empire replied with a dismissive hand gesture, “I just wished to remind you that your ascension to the Dark Council has been unparalleled, both in open ambition and especially in in speed. This means you have spent less time playing the complex game of Dark Politics and spent less time amongst the most powerful of our Empire. This could prove dangerous to you, if you choose to forget that there are others among our Order who could match your power.” Nox’s eyes became narrow slits. “So you came here to deliver a warning?”, she said. “Merely a piece of advice”, Marr said calmly. “I came not here to argue with you, Darth Nox”, he continued, “not even to free poor Lord Kildred whose life forces are sliding away.” Once again, Nox was taken by surprise but managed to keep her composure. “Who else knows about his fate”, she asked point blank. “Darth Jadus informed me about him last night”, Marr replied, “I trust that your desire to purge your Sphere’s ranks from your predecessor’s most loyal servants will not consume too much of your time and will not cost the Empire too many resources. But that is not what I came here.”

“Why did you came here, Darth Marr”, Nox said, “what is so important that it couldn’t wait until the Council meeting and why did you have to cloak yourself.” “I wished that no one would be able to track my movements”, Marr replied, “for what I have to say must stay between the two of us for now. The Emperor has requested your presence. You are to meet him. We both are. In person.”

Welcome to the fanfic forums. I see you have a specific direction in mind for Nox and Marr to take and the start of the story leads me to believe it might be something different, which is always good.

However, you might want to separate your conversations between the different speakers since it is difficult to discern who is actually speaking and leads to your paragraphs resembling walls of text, which some readers avoid. It is also good to separate actions a bit also.

Example: your first paragraph,

„Never“, the chained man breathlessly muttered. His body squirming as he fought off the inflicted pain he had endured. “You will not get from me what you want. Vermin! Traitor”, he said, a weakened, yet still defiant look in his eyes. Darth Nox looked at him, a sarcastic smile played on her lips. “Really, Lord Kildred”, Nox said, her voice dripping with malice, “why do you struggle? Why persist? In the end, you will give me what I seek.” The Dark Lord laid a gloved hand on her prisoner’s forehead, who twisted his head in order to evade the touch. Nox pressed the tips of her finger firmly on Lord Kildred’s head. A light purple glow emitted, as the Dark Side of the Force began to invade the body of the tormented Human Sith Lord again, inflicting unspeakable pain. Nox slightly amplified the Dark Side, paying no attention to the screams and the terrible twisting that Lord Kildred’s body underwent as seconds became an eternity of agony for him. Close … so close. Nox felt that she was close to breaking the mental barrier of the Sith Lord. And then she’d be able to invade his mind and get the knowledge that she sought.

Might come across better as:

"Never“, the chained man breathlessly muttered. His body squirming as he fought off the inflicted pain he had endured. “You will not get from me what you want. Vermin! Traitor”, he said, a weakened, yet still defiant look in his eyes.

Darth Nox looked at him, a sarcastic smile played on her lips.

“Really, Lord Kildred”, Nox said, her voice dripping with malice, “why do you struggle? Why persist? In the end, you will give me what I seek.”

The Dark Lord laid a gloved hand on her prisoner’s forehead, who twisted his head in order to evade the touch. Nox pressed the tips of her finger firmly on Lord Kildred’s head. A light purple glow emitted, as the Dark Side of the Force began to invade the body of the tormented Human Sith Lord again, inflicting unspeakable pain.

Nox slightly amplified the Dark Side, paying no attention to the screams and the terrible twisting that Lord Kildred’s body underwent as seconds became an eternity of agony for him. Close … so close. Nox felt that she was close to breaking the mental barrier of the Sith Lord. And then she’d be able to invade his mind and get the knowledge that she sought.

Anyway, good start.

DROMUND KAAS, Dromund System, Esstran Sector

„Unbelievable! Simply amazing“, Talos Drellik exulted. “You are to meet the Emperor! Do you realize that it has been decades since the Emperor has honored anyone with an audience?”

Nox slightly rolled her eyes – the newly promoted Director of the Imperial Reclamation Service was always a very enthusiastic character. He and Nox’s other most trusted companions and advisors had gathered in their master’s private study. Most were there in person, others such as Moff Pyron and Andronikos Revel were there via holo. Nox had called for them the minute Darth Marr had left, after leaving specific instructions on how and where the two of them would meet up to travel to the Emperor’s secret seat.

“I am quite aware of that, thank you, Talos”, Nox said sarcastically. “Did Darth Marr say what the Emperor wants to talk about”, Ashara Zavros asked, slightly nodding her head back and forth. “No, and I doubt that he knows any more than where we shall meet the Emperor’s envoys who will then bring us to him”, Nox replied. “Marr said that he had been contacted by the Emperor’s Servants who informed him and told him to keep this strictly confidential.”

“How exciting”, Drellik shouted out again, “I wonder where you will meet the Emperor, where his place of hiding is.” “I don’t think the Emperor’s exactly hiding”, Revel shot back, “it more seems like he couldn’t be bothered to run the daily affairs of the Empire.” “Silence”, Nox said calmly, apposing her fingertips. Everyone immediately fell silent as they waited for her to finish her thought process.

A little over a month ago, Nox had defeated Darth Thanaton in the Chambers on the Dark Council in the Sith Sanctum on Dromund Kaas. Upon taking her seat amongst the other eleven Dark Councilors, Nox inherited one of the twelve Spheres of Influence: The Pyramid of Ancient Knowledge.

Along with the title came the task of guarding and researching the knowledge of the ancient Sith and preserving the secrets and powers of the Dark Side of the Force. Born as the daughter of a disgraced and enslaved Dynasty of Sith Purebloods, Nox had fought her way to the top of the Sith Empire. But other than watching her back to ensure that none of her numerous rivals would make a move, Nox had embarked on another mission which almost no one knew about and even less knew about the means through which she planned to achieve it.

After ascending to the Dark Council, Nox had set her eyes on ruling the Sith Empire not as one out of twelve who’d answer to an even higher being, but as Empress herself. When Nox ascended to the Dark Council, the most diehard supporters of Thanaton knew that they lived on borrowed time and dispersed. Shortly before his death, Darth Thanaton supposedly made a discovery which would significantly strengthen Nox’s powers. Nox knew that Thanaton had a secret vault somewhere, but only very few knew about this place. That’s why the unfortunate Lord Kildred was an important piece in the puzzle. But time was of the essence.

“I’ll meet with Marr tomorrow to travel to the Emperor”, Nox finally broke the silence, “This doesn’t change our plans at all, though. It is still imperative that Lord Kildred gets broken to reveal his former master’s secrets. Xalek, how is our guest holding up.” “He’s growing weaker by the hour, master”, the Kaleesh replied, “it won’t be long before he breaks.” “Good”, Nox said. “Let’s get to it, then. Thank you all for attending.”

The holos vanished and Nox rose from her chair and made her way towards the practice chamber. Upon entering, she felt that Xalek was right and that Lord Kildred had become weaker since she left him a little over two hours ago. Lord Kildred looked up when Nox entered. Even though his body had endured insufferable pain and his mind had to withstand gruesome attacks, he still had that defiant look in his eyes which amused and bewildered Darth Nox at the same time.

“The traitor returns”, Kildred said.

Nox smiled at him. “You should know by now, Lord Kildred, that I never vanish, even though many might wish for it. Your former master included.” “Darth Thanaton was a fool to underestimate you”, Kildred continued, “but he was right in saying that you represent an impure perversion of the Dark Side. You were raised as nothing and you still are nothing.” “Well, at the moment, I’m your captor”, Nox said coldly, “and right now, you possess some knowledge that I want you to share with me. And sharing with me you will.”

She extended her hand and the Dark Side of the Force materialized in the form of lightning strikes which tormented Lord Kildred. Darth Nox focused her powers just enough so that Lord Kildred would suffer pain, but that he wouldn’t die. After a minute, which must have felt like an eternity for Lord Kildred, Nox stopped and looked down on her captive. “Tell me one thing, Lord Kildred”, she said, “why is it that you are willing to die for your master, still after he’s gone?” Kildred was still breathing heavily when he began to speak, tears of pain were running down his cheeks.

“Darth Thanaton was a Master of the Dark Side”, he mumbled, “he represented the purest form of devotion to the Dark Side, through studies and determination. He was the strongest of the Dark Council, the strongest in the Force.” Xalek, who had stood silently by up to this point let out a harrowing laugh. “And still, Thanaton died in the end. Begging for his life, crawling on the floor. He didn’t die a warrior. He died the coward he was.” “Darth Thanaton knew more about the Dark Side than you savage could ever hope to dream about”, Kildred said, his resolve strengthening.

He looked directly at Nox. “His connection to the Dark Side was strong. His strength came from within and he didn’t have to steal his powers.”

Nox’s voice was as cold as an ice storm on Hoth when she answered to him. “I am the first and only being in the galaxy with the ability to perform the Force Walk Ritual, Lord Kildred. It has been millennia since Lord Erghast performed this feat and he was weak. The ghosts which I have bound to me and on whose powers and knowledge I now command are in now ways weaker than their living embodiments. And still, I absorbed them and made them mine. Only the Emperor could hope to defeat me now.”

Kildred closed his eyes. “You fool”, he said, “you have no idea what powers the Emperor possesses. You will die and I will be there to watch your downfall.”

Nox gave him a cold smile. “No, Lord Kildred. You will not”, she said before unleashing the power of the Dark Side again. “Where is Thanaton’s secret vault”, she demanded to know through the screams as she began her final assault on Lord Kildred’s mental barriers. It was a battle that couldn’t be seen, nor heard, but it was nevertheless brutal. Nox’s mental attack in combination with the Force Lightning that Lord Kildred still endured was enough to finally break his barriers. Ravaging his brain, she drained the life forces from him, in search for the information she was looking for. Over and over, she asked him the same question … and then … there it was. As clear as daylight. With a satisfied smile, Nox exhaled and ended the torture, leaving a dying Lord Kildred behind whose life was flickering as a candle in the wind.

“Did you get what you were looking for, master”, Xalek asked. “Yes. He finally told me. With his last thought before he lost the ability to think at all.” She turned around two both Xalek and Khem who were standing behind her. “Thanaton’s vault is on a planet called Yavin IV. It is there where we will meet our destiny” she said with a determined smile. “Xalek, get me whatever information you can on that planet, we will go there the moment I return from my audience with the Emperor. And Khem”, she said, “devour and dispose of Kildred, please.” The ancient Shadow Killer bowed. “With pleasure, master”, he growled.

Nox left the practice chamber, knowing that she was one small step closer to her ultimate goal …

I really enjoy how you've captured the voices of all the characters. Nicely done. I also see that you tried to make it more manageable by making smaller paragraphs.

Another thing that helps clarity as Misha suggested is if you have each character's dialogue on a separate line. Right now, it runs together and it's difficult to decide who is speaking. If you put each character's dialogue on a new line, it would be very clear who is speaking and really help the story. Here is an example of your work before and after you put each character's dialogue on a new line.

Formatting it this way will help because the story is otherwise quite fascinating.

Before:

“I am quite aware of that, thank you, Talos”, Nox said sarcastically. “Did Darth Marr say what the Emperor wants to talk about”, Ashara Zavros asked, slightly nodding her head back and forth. “No, and I doubt that he knows any more than where we shall meet the Emperor’s envoys who will then bring us to him”, Nox replied. “Marr said that he had been contacted by the Emperor’s Servants who informed him and told him to keep this strictly confidential.”

“How exciting”, Drellik shouted out again, “I wonder where you will meet the Emperor, where his place of hiding is.” “I don’t think the Emperor’s exactly hiding”, Revel shot back, “it more seems like he couldn’t be bothered to run the daily affairs of the Empire.” “Silence”, Nox said calmly, apposing her fingertips. Everyone immediately fell silent as they waited for her to finish her thought process.

After:

“I am quite aware of that, thank you, Talos,” Nox said sarcastically.

“Did Darth Marr say what the Emperor wants to talk about,” Ashara Zavros asked, slightly nodding her head back and forth.

“No, and I doubt that he knows any more than where we shall meet the Emperor’s envoys who will then bring us to him,” Nox replied. “Marr said that he had been contacted by the Emperor’s Servants who informed him and told him to keep this strictly confidential.”

“How exciting,” Drellik shouted out again. “I wonder where you will meet the Emperor, where his place of hiding is.”

“I don’t think the Emperor’s exactly hiding,” Revel shot back, “It seems more like he couldn’t be bothered to run the daily affairs of the Empire.”

“Silence,” Nox said calmly, opposing her fingertips. Everyone immediately fell silent as they waited for her to finish her thought process.

I do appreciate the way you have captured the different characters, Xalek is one of my favorites, and you have certainly made Nox very real. I especially liked how she gave Kildred to Khem Val at the end, sort of like a snack, although I appreciated Kildred's defiance until the end. Well done.

I also noticed that you separated your paragraphs and it is appreciated, however, if you go that one step further, as Luna demonstrated, it will make the story that much easier to read and understand.

In any case, I still enjoy your take on the characters and am looking forward to seeing just what your Nox is up to.

Cheers.

Thank you two for the wonderful encouragement.

I'll separate all dialogues for the next chapter. I thought that it would "rip" the flow too much apart, but you're right that the forums aren't really designed for reading walls of text.