Characters:

Main:

J'mpok Mogh AKA J'm or Jim, a Zabrak Marauder

Vette, J'm's loyal Twi'lek companion

Cameos:

Darth Baras AKA Darth Donuts, Darth Binge, or Darth Babyface: A human Sith Lord who is J'mpok's master

Thrarwn, J'm's Chiss second cousin, a revered sniper from Imperial Intel (No, I refuse to explain ATM. I will, at some point, provide a family tree for this story. BUT THAT IS NOT THIS DAY!)

Kaliyo, Thrarwn's Rattataki girlfriend

"I told you, didn't I," Vette laughed, "You can't outdrink Jim, Thrarwn. Sith may practice at the academy, but they definitely practice a hell of a lot more at the cantina."

"It'sssssssss okayyy," Thrarwn slurred drunkenly, "I'm alright," He fell out of his chair, onto his face, "Nevermind....just help me up."

"Congratulations, cousin," roared Jim, "You now owe me exactly 357 credits. One for every brain cell I killed laughing my arse off."

A light near the Holonet transcicver blinked at them. And the machine began to make munching sounds.

"Well," Vette said, poking Jim, "I'm all for letting Darth Donuts wait for you to pick up, but I would prefer not to get deep fried next time we see him."

"We'll pick this up later, then," Thrarwn murmured tipsily, "Kaliyo, help me up."

"Sure," Kaliyo, who clearly had been watching them drink was right next to Thrarwn and helped him up, "But don't lose too many of our credits, even to family. I wanna be able to actually be able to buy a drink at the next port."

"I never take that much off my cousin," Jim chuckled, "I just win too often."

"Your bets, anyway," Kaliyo replied invitingly, "but what else do you win from your cousin?"

"WELL, then," Vette interrupted, annoyed, "Back to business, Jim."

"Uhh...right," Jim said, pulling his eyes away from Kaliyo, turning to the holo, "Master, I have landed on Balmorra. What is my mission?"

"Your mission," said Darth Baras, who seemed to have hidden some kind of food behind his back, as the two friends could see him chewing, even through his mask, "Is to neutralize the spy whom I have planted here. I have assigned Lieutenant Malavai Quinn to assist you in this capacity, as well as taking care of another loose end: his son. Neutralize them both."

"Yes, Master," replied Jim. Then he turned to Vette, "I wonder what kind of stiff-backed Imperial moron we have to deal with today. I'm gonna go change out of this liquor-stained jacket."

As J'mpok changed into a new, more formal high-collared jacket, with a cape and knee-length boots, Vette walked into his cabin and looked, astonished at J'mpok.

"Hey, Jim," Vette asked, "Why are you so dressed up? Are we going to a wedding? A funeral? A party?"

"None of those," Jim replied, laughing, "My cousin is of the opinion that dressing richly sets people off their guards. The way I'm dressed, I could either be a rich spacer who has no knowledge of politics, but is good with a blaster. Or I could be a rich noble who's all for politics, but doesn't know one end of a blaster from another. Either way, people assume I'm rich, but never guess that I'm a Sith until my blade's at their throat. I hide them, obviously, but I can reach them, easy."

"But," Vette replied, "What about armor? That can't be durable enough for battle."

"Ahh," J'mpok answered, "But it's laced with cortosis, so it'll short out lightsabers and most blasters if they get near me."

"That is cool," Vette replied ecstatically, "Do I get one?"

"See for yourself," Jim replied encouragingly, "Right there in the closet. You have holsters for your guns in the backs of the shoulders."

"Damn!" Vette exclaimed, "I look good in this!"

"Yes," Jim murmured, "You do."

*AN HOUR LATER, IN SOBRIK CITY*

*AN HOUR LATER IN SOBRIK*

"Well this place looks horrible," J'mpok remarked, stepping through a group of Imperial troopers standing in the street, "We seem to be looking at a city of rigid, stupid Imperials with overblown opinions of themselves."

"Yeah," Vette replied, "But where are we supposed to find old man Baras' contact? He said to go to the Imperial base, but the whole damn city is an Imperial base."

"Excuse me!" a rather annoyed voice said, "This area is restricted! Balmorra is no place for an idiot Zabrak noble and a Twi' lek slave masquerading as his equal."

Vette turned around and saw a short, well-built man with blue eyes and a perfect regulation uniform.

She just laughed and replied, "You may want to rethink that. The big guy might get angry."

"Oh," the short Imperial said, "I'm so. bloody. scared. What could you do to Malavai Quinn, servant of Darth Baras and hero of Balmorra? My master could kill you from the other end of the galaxy by lifting an arm. Don't test me."

"I will test you however I want," J'mpok replied calmly, stealthily moving his hand towards the holster where his lightsaber was hidden, "JUST LIKE THIS!" He threw his now-activated lightsaber at Quinn's throat, using the Force to stop it right at his jugular, "Don't test J'mpok, killer of Lord Grathan, destroyer of rebellion. You want to be next on that list?"

"No, my lord," Quinn trembled audibly, "I apologize profusely for my rudeness. Clearly, you are the apprentice that my lord Darth Baras sent to crush the resistance."

"Yes," Jim replied, trying not to laugh, "Now stop groveling and let me and my friend here into the base so we may contact Baras."

"Awww," Vette sighed jokingly, "But I don't wanna talk to the Burger Darth again. Do we have to?"

"Show respect for Darth Baras!" Quinn growled at Vette angrily, "Or he will kill you."

"If Jim's not scared," Vette replied smiling, "I'm not either. He's protected me from powerful Sith before, and he will until the end."

"We will wait for your call, Quinn," J'm said, "As soon as Baras calls, let us know. Got it?"

"Of course, my lord," Quinn said in a mocking tone, "Shall I do your dry cleaning as well? Or shine your shoes? Or cook your dinner? I am not your servant, nor will I act like it."

"Baras put you under my command," Jim replied, "So here is my command: Vette and I will be in the cantina. You will call when Baras contacts you. Then I will come," Picking up Quinn by the front of his uniform, Jim continued, "Got it? Baras said you would be reliable, not an arse. Good bye"

Minor spoilers for Balmorra, but I will do the story bits my own way....

"Too bad we had to erase that kid's memory," J'm said sadly, "I was rather impressed that he could do the Dougie correctly."

***** A rift in the atmosphere has opened. Khem Val has repeatedly hit the Fourth Wall with an axe

That was not the way that Tulak Hord did the Dougie. We did it for real at Yn and Chabosh.

Quiet, Khem. Wait your turn. You and Worrf will be here in a bit.

Wait, is that Khem? Hi Khem! How's my brother?

Hi, Khem!

*Vette bounces up to the Dashade and hugs him*

Tulak Hord never made, me hug anybody.

Can I continue the story now? Please?

Only if you get the Twi'lek off me.

Hey, Vette, if you don't get off him, I'm gonna write an out-of-character makeout scene.

Ewwww......I'll stop hugging the big, blue, handsome Dashade then.

*****Khem has now pulled his axe out and started eating Jedi.

"Yeah," Vette agreed, "But he was a really whiny bastard. Even worse than that chick on Korriban who wanted us to cart that acolyte's dead body up to his father. Remember that one?"

"Remember how I couldn't kill her?" J'm replied, "Why wouldn't it just give me a freaking Dark Side option to kill her?"

"It's just that you guys are supposed to be honorable or something," Vette replied, "Now, I really, really want a burger. Let's just go talk to Lieutenant Stiffspine at the base. We're not gonna bring his whole body, right?"

"Hell, no," the Sith replied, "I'm just gonna take a hand. It's easier to throw in Quinn's face than a whole corpse. And he thought I was incompetent. Ha!"

*A couple hours later, in Sobrik*

"Hey Quinn!" J'm shouted when they entered his the Lieutenant's office, taking out the spy's severed hand, "I have a gift for you!"

"My lord?" Quinn replied, turning just in time for the severed hand to hit him in the face, "Ow! You son of a... I mean my lord. That was not really called for."

"You said I couldn't do the mission in a tux," J'm replied with a lopsided grin, "That was the most expedient way to prove you wrong."

"I could have planned that better," Quinn agreed, "Anyway, Darth Baras is on the comm for you."

"Screw Darth Omnom," J'm replied, "The three of us must go to a bar, play drinking games, and then I'm going to go see if Darth Lachris is really as "friendly" as she promises."

"Do you really need to bang everything on two legs?" Vette asked.

"Umm.....no," J'm replied intelligently, "Or else I would have done men, which I have not. I only slept with Lady Grathan, that other lady who was in prison with you on Korriban, that Revanite Master lady, and that really sexy Chiss in Kaas City."

"And the bartender," Vette added, "and the Cathar lady, and that recruitment officer just across the street from here."

*****And Khem's axe suddenly reappears*

Tulak Hord would approve of you, tiny Sith

I know. I'm just awesome like that.

Yay! Khem! *Hugs Khem again*

Get her off me, Narrator.... PLEASE!

Just take your axe out of the fourth wall. That should get us back to the story.

*****

"I get it," J'm replied, cutting her off, "but I also get *that*, if you know what I mean."

Vette facepalmed, "Okay, go ahead, then. I'll just be here, outdrinking the hell out of Quinn."

*****

All the Imperials guarding the base heard was screaming. It was coming from Darth Lachris' building, but there were orders not to disturb her upon pain of being deep-fried, wrapped in bormu bacon, and eaten by a Houk. So they just stood there awkwardly listening to the screams.

*Back in Sobrik*

Vette and Quinn had been drinking copious amounts of Corellian whiskey. Vette was not terribly surprised to find that, under the stiff-backed Imperial.....was more stiff-backed Imperial. She mentally hit her head against the wall. She was surprised, however, that Quinn hadn't passed out yet.

Well, Vette, what do bored men do when there's no women around? Either play video games or drink a sithload. And clearly, Lieutenant Stiffbones is the latter case.

"Hey, Lieutenant," Vette asked, "Have you ever watched South Park?

"This is a setup for another Baras joke isn't it?" Quinn replied, laughing drunkenly, "Yes I have seen that show. And milord Baras does, indeed look like Cartman. Now, wanna go see if we can go get Baras' apprentice away from Lachris, or do you wanna just sit here till we pass out?"

"Yeah," Vette agreed. "Let's go get J'm."

Quinn's holocom then beeped.

"Quinn here," Quinn replied, "What's happening?"

"A massive Force Scream ripped through the plains," the trooper on the other end replied, "It destroyed all the Republic bases, sir. However, no harm seems to have come to any Imperial structures, personnel, or equipment. It also does not seem to have directly harmed any Pubs, sir. The only casualties they had were due to structural collapse."

"So the whole time you were fighting for Balmorra," Vette observed dryly, "All you had to do was get Lachris laid?"

"Apparently," Quinn answered, "She's a screamer."

"I'll say," Vette replied, laughing, "I wonder what he did to make her do that..."

She had a moment of dirty thoughts, then shook herself hard and said, "We should probably call J'm back here. He still didn't talk to Darth Pizza the Hut."

******

Besides me eating everything, Tulak Hord won Yn and Chabosh by getting laid. Why did none of you think of this?

Two reasons, Khem:

1) I didn't know that Tulak Hord ever got-

Of course he got laid. He was the greatest Warrior of the Sith. When do I get to talk in the story?

Oh? Are we done with the tirade on Tulak Hord's sex life now?

No.

The sooner we get through this, the sooner I find a plot twist where you eat a Jedi/

Jediburger? Can Broonmark cook those, too?

Shut up! The readers aren't supposed to know about Broonmark yet. Or his cooking, which is f**king awesome.

Tulak Hord could do nearly everything.....but cook. He had *****es for that.

Can we go back to the story now?

Make it so, Number One.

J'm, aren't you still busy with-

He's dead, J'm.

Guys?

Shut up, Wesley.

Yes, I hate Wesley too, but-

If I were human, I believe my response would be "Go to Hell"... If I were human.

Wonderful Star Trek quotes, guys, but shouldn't we get around to-

Statement: Yes, we should talk about That 70's Show instead. Amused Statement: Red Foreman is my role model.

So your life ambition is to stick your foot up a Sith's ***, HK?

Bada**ery: I already have

******

Set between the end of Nar Shaddaa and Tatooine.

Another story about me getting profusely drunk? Yay!

And Satele Shan as well, J'm.

Please don't make her be a skank when she's drunk. Please?

Please do! Please?

Are you really trying to get me to let you sleep with the Jedi Grand Master? Wow. Just get Vette drunk instead.

Hey! Uh.... that might not be such a bad idea, actually....

So, I'm gonna start the actual story now.

*****

J'm sat back in his chair, savoring the cool air aboard his ship before he, Vette, and Quinn would be leaving Tatooine. Finally. They had unanimously hated it. He was thinking back to Corellia, where his parents were. Did they know he was a full Sith? No, probably not. Would they be proud? Only if it made him richer than his siblings, most likely.

He was then interrupted by his holocom beeping. The signal was a Jedi signal. Why are they calling me? J'm wondered, I'm a Sith. Then realization dawned It's about that Padawan I'm hunting. They're gonna try to intimidate me into thinking I can't get past Karr. Bah! I'll pick up anyway.

J'm picked up the message and, to his surprise, was greeted by Satele Shan.

"Ah," J'm said mockingly, "The Jedi Grand Master. Which of your Jedi would you like the utter **** beaten out of today?"

"None, preferably," Shan replied, "But I will ask you to stop hunting that poor Padawan, Jaesa. She doesn't deserve you hunting her down."

"I'm not hunting her down, dammit!" J'm roared, "I'm getting her away from that hypocrite Nomen Karr. He's a true Sith. He's like Dark 2 or something. I'm Light 3. I just want an apprentice so I'm a Lord and stuff. I like getting titles."

"I'm offering a chance to discuss this peacefully," Shan replied, "Meet me at the cantina near the spaceport on Nar Shaddaa. We will settle this ourselves."

"Fine."

*****

Tulak Hord would have choked that impertinent ***** through the holo. She disrespects the Sith with her idiocy.

Hey! I'm impertinent. does that make me a *****?

Possibly. But It's kinda funny on you. Satele's just being nasty.

Annoyed Inquiry: Master, why can't you put me in this story so I may kill the fat meatbag?

Join the club. I wanna kill Darth KFC, too.

Okay.... going back to the story.

*******

J'm walked into the bar in a tuxedo, with Vette and Quinn flanking.

"She doesn't seem to be here, my lord," Quinn said , "Either she was waiting for us to come in before she did....or !"

"No," Shan replied from the bar, "I was just drinking. A lot." She gave a little hiccup.

"Oh," Quinn replied, feeling stupid, "I'll have a few shots of whiskey, then."

As the four of them drank more and more, they all began to fall into stupors, and the rest of the night was a blur....

*The next morning*

Quinn woke up in bed, wondering why he was naked. He turned and wondered why there was a lump next to him and saw.... ****! Satele Shan was sleeping next to him. That meant that either he was really good, or the Jedi was a *********** huge hypocrite. While he would like to think it was the former, it was probably both. Ha ha... so much for Jedi sanctity and whatnot.

J'm had a completely different thought going through his head. Vette was sleeping next to him, which made him happy. She was really beautiful..... and he wondered what would happen if he woke her up.

******

Tulak Hord never slept with a Jedi Master, let alone the Grand Master. You are now a ******, Quinn.

So, all I had to do to gain your respect was actually get a woman to sleep with me? Easy.

Statement: I bet four hundred credits against you. The millennial meatbag was feeling generous and bet for you. Exclamation: But I won the bet where they would be drunk. The millennial meatbag thought that the Jedi meatbag would do it without intoxication. Slightly Awed Statement: Quinn is, however, the only meatbag I shall call by name. He has earned it.

******

Satele woke up, swore loudly as she saw where she was, and tried to get dressed. However, the only clothing that seemed to be available was a gold slave girl outfit. There was a note inscribed on the top that said "Property of Malavai Quinn"

"SITH!" she roared across the ship, "I will have my..... oh, damn.... I can't have revenge. I'm supposed to be like Light Side 2,000,000. This would tarnish my alignment points and stuff."

*******

"Is there any reason," Vette repeated again, "That we can't just eat actual food?"

"This is real food," Quinn replied, holding up a disgusting, shriveled thing that looked to be a...freeze-dried burger, "It's Imperial-issue rationburger"

"I didn't see anything this disgusting on Yn and Chabosh," Khem groaned in disgust, staring longingly at the Burger Darth across the street.

"Mal," J'mpok groaned, "We've been through this: Vette and I don't make you get a life, and you don't make us eat Imperial rations. This is a breach of agreement."

"All due respect my lord," Quinn replied, "But bulls**t. I already have a life. Remember that little incident with Satele Shan? I can do that again anytime I want."

"J'm," Worrf broke in, "Why are we even arguing over this? Let's just go get some actual food."

"Yes," Khem agreed, "Let us go feast on the flesh of the Jedi."

"Hate to break it to ya, big guy," Vette replied, a little grossed out, "But we don't eat Jedi. We eat either Imperial sh*tburger like Quinnie, here. Or we eat Bormu, which tastes pretty good. I personally prefer Bormu. So, let's go to the burger place across the street and eat some bormuburgers.”

Suddenly, a masked ghost appeared, and looked at the rations with disgust, “Flesh of my flesh, you know I’m already dead, right? You can’t poison me with this.”

He then tried to throw Force Lightning at the freeze-dried burger, at which Quinn yelped and jumped off the picnic blanket.

“Tulak Hord never tried to poison his grandparents’ Force ghosts,” Khem muttered, “He just let me eat them.”

“Wait…. J’m. That’s your grandpa?” Vette inquired, interrupting Khem’s muttered grievances about not playing with food, “How could you be so ho- I mean so Sithy and big and muscular grrrr… and stuff when he’s basically a stick figure?”

“Flesh of my…oh sh*t,” the ghost said, “More f*cking kids? Really? Can’t I just have ONE pain-in-my-transparent-arse rather than two?! My grandson had two kids? How in the f*ck does a Pureblood even have a Zabrak kid?” He seemed to contemplate this, then said, “You know what, I don’t even want to know… Okay. Back to advice. Worrf, there’s a bunch of old sh*t you need to collect to gain power. Now get off your arse and get some damn power,” He then turned to J’mpok, “What race was your mother? ‘Cause I thought Grree married some sexy blonde Dorne or something. Big name in the Empire. Nice legs and stuff. I think I used to go out with a woman named Dorne. Hmm.”

“Uhhhh….I lived on Corellia,” J’m replied, “Yeah, my mom is human, my dad is Pureblood. They’re Havoc Squad and stuff. I just beat the Force out of everybody ‘till I was sent to my mom’s family. They saw I was an angry bastard and stuff, and they shipped me off to Korriban. So…. I don’t even get where the Zabrak came from. Either my dad or my mom lived a much more er….active life than they let on. Anyway, I’m still ‘flesh of your flesh’ and stuff. When do I get my three wishes or grand prize or whatever?”

“Uhh….I’m just gonna state a really f*cking obvious fact instead,” The ghost replied, “Your master, Darth Pillow Pet is an a*s. He’s probably planning to betray you in some half-a*sed power grab that is gonna get foiled anyway. ‘If you give a dumba*s a lightsaber, he’ll want a cookie to go with it.’ That guy took nursery school way too damn seriously. He makes Santa the Hutt look skinny.”

“Ummm…..okay,” J’m replied, now completely bewildered, “Good bye, creepy transparent grandpa.”

“At least he gave us another nickname than ‘Darth Donuts’ to use,” Vette said, thoughtfully, “But he’s still a stick figure.”

“Yeah,” Worrf replied, “and he ruined lunch. I was really, really hungry.”

“Fine,” Quinn muttered, sad and defeated, “We’ll go eat bormu.”

“Yay!” Vette giggled, “And maybe we’ll find another officer with a stick shoved up her a*s so we can get Quinn a date.”

--------------------------------------

Quinn will never get a date.

Yeah, and getting Satele laid doesn't count. All that required was getting her drunk. No skill involved.

I excel at all things.

Except getting a life.

Tulak Hord had a life. And we still got to devour things.

Can I actually get back to the story now?

No. We're trying to make Quinnie-poo get a life. And possibly a girlfriend.

Mal, get a life. Or I swear by all that is holy, I will dress 2V up in a slave girl outfit and program him to chase you and possibly try to get you in bed. I'm still not sure.

I'm not scared.....At all.

Really? How about I duct-tape a looped audio version of "Fifty Shade of Grey" to your ears?

Uhhhh......T-That still doesn't scare me. I think.

Okay, then. It's duct-tape time!

---------------------------

*Four hours later, back on the Batwing

“Wow,” Vette said, “Is it possible that Quinn actually found something to do? Or is he still sitting in the burger shack faking?"

"Let's call," J'm replied, "and find out."

As the two called Quinn on the holocom, an image appeared of Quinn sitting on a couch that was clearly not in the burger shack, with a robed woman laughing at him who was clearly not the waitress.

"Shhh!" Vette whispered, "I wanna see what happens before he realizes we're watching."

Then they both gasped as the young, robed woman kissed Quinn on the mouth. And Quinn returned it with equal enthusiasm. And Vette and J'm continued to shamelessly gape. And gape. And gape.

"M'lord," Quinn asked, exasperated, "Why do you and Vette insist on spying on me and this girl?"

"Because," J'mpok replied, "Watching As The Quinn Turns is easily more exciting than chatting with Darth Eggo. And because we're worried that you'll fail really, really hard. We wanna help you."

"But...," Quinn replied, "I excel at all things. Except cooking. And cleaning. And laundry. And Gangnam Style. And not standing directly in a firepit when i'm throwing kolto to you two.....Yeah, that's it. I excel at everything but those."

J'm facepalmed and continued.

"Have you ever had a girlfriend, Mal?" J'm inquired, "EVER?"

Quinn didn't even have to open his mouth. The pained expression on his face said it all. And they heard Vette walk in through the hatch.

"I'm baaaack," Vette called, "Quinnie, I got you a suit. A non-regulation one, at that."

"That," J'm replied, trying not to laugh, "Is the understatement of the year."

It was, quite simply, a bright red zoot suit, like one might wear to dress up for Halloween as a gangster. J'm couldn't tell if Vette was joking or not.

"I don't even..," Quinn gaped incredulously, "You expect me to wear that to my date?"

"Yep!" Vette replied, grinning.

Maybe she wasn't joking.

"$hit, guys," Quinn replied, exasperated, "Is there any real reason I should actually listen to you?"

"Well," J'm replied, "I could exploit the fact that you're absolutely anal about f*cking regulations. By regulation, I the Sith, am your commanding officer and $hit. Your commanding officer could make this the required uniform."

"Damn."

"Yep."

"Fine."

"Yay!" Vette grinned.

"Quickly, then, Mal," J'm said, "It's almost time for you to go."

"Ugh," Quinn replied, walking away with the red suit.

"We're gonna do the Grease thing, right?" asked Vette, excitedly.

"Damn right."

Vette squealed with delight.

"But we're gonna wait 'till he gets back," J'm continued.

Vette's expression abruptly became as serious as J'm had ever seen it.

"That's alright," Vette replied. "We can hang around the city."

"You look preoccupied, Vette," J'm observed, "What's up?"

"I looked up my old gang," Vette replied, "They're on Nar Shaddaa, looking for the Star of Kala'uun."

"What is the 'Star of Kala'uun'?"

"A priceless piece of Twi'lek history. Currently in the possession of Cada Bliss, traitor, robber, and general a$shole supreme."

"Then his face is due for some surgery. And the Star is due for recovery."

Vette grinned and embraced J'm with an inordinately strong grip. J'm simply returned the sentiment.

"You're the best!" Vette exclaimed giddily.

"Before that, though, we need to profusely bash Quinn."

"I'm always up for that."

*******Eight Hours later*******

J'm heard a loud laugh from outside the hatch. He and Vette turned towards the door to see Quinn walking up the hatch ramp, whistling.

"Well, Mal," J'm observed, "You look happy. You finally had your first sex?"

"Well," Quinn replied, "She's just.....uh.....I don't know how to describe her and still be respectful."

"You didn't even deny that you'd never had sex before."

"$hit."

"J'm," Vette exclaimed, bouncing up and down, "Can we do the Grease thing now?"

J'm nodded and mouthed, "One. Two. Three."

And Vette started:

Tell me more, tell me more

Was it love at first sight?

Then J'm continued:

Tell me more, tell me more

Did she put a fight?

Quinn slowly placed his face into his hands in exasperation, "You're really going to play this out, milord?" Then he joined in.....and all three of them sang the rest of the song, with Vette playing the girls, J'm playing the men, and Quinn playing he male main character.

Took her bowling in the Arcade

We went strolling, drank lemonade

We made out under the dock

We stayed up 'till ten o'clock

Summer fling, don't mean a thing

But, oh, oh, the summer nights

Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell me more, tell me more

But you don't gotta brag

Tell me more, tell me more

'Cause he sounds like a drag

He got friendly, holding my hand

She got friendly down in the sand

He was sweet just turned eighteen

Well, she was good you know what I mean

Summer heat, boy and girl meet

But, oh, oh, the summer nights

Tell me more, tell me more

How much dough did he spend?

Tell me more, tell me more

Could she get me a friend?

It turned colder, that's where it ends

So I told her we'd still be friends

Then we made our true love vow

Wonder what she's doing now

***********Through the continuum of stupidity, sarcasm, and utter WTFism that is my headcanon, a break of the fourth wall forms. DUN. DUN. DUNNNNN!

Ugh, did we really sing that whole song?

Yep. The look on your face was priceless.

Haha. 2V actually got a picture.....then I ordered him to not take orders from Mal

Lord Xak, why do you do this to me?

*whistling innocently* Who, me?

Yes, you.

Because ummm.......cookies. That's it. The reason is cookies.

That can't be it. Darth Pand- I mean Baras ate them all.

Uh.....damn.... that means I need another reason......ummmmm.....Pie!

Same problem.

Damn you, Baras. Hmmmm.....I'll think of a reason before the next meta text, probably.

*sigh*

**************

"Are we done now?" Quinn inquired, "Or can I introduce my girlfriend to you?"

"Come on, Quinnie," Vette said, "I need another girl to compare you two like livestock."

"Really?" Quinn replied, "I was wondering what you think about when me and the lord aren't around. Now I know."

"Yes. Yes you do."

"C'mon, Mal," J'm interrupted impatiently, "Bring 'er in"

"Fine," Quinn conceded.

Quinn turned around, opened the airlock, and waved at something standing in front of the ramp.

And J'm literally gasped as the woman came up the ramp. She was roughly 5'9 and beautiful. Long black hair and green eyes. And lips that---- oh, Sith, he had to stop this thought process.

"My Lord," Quinn said, "May I introduce you to Jaesa Willsaam, my very, very good friend."

"Hey Vette," J'm inquired, walking in from the cold north Alderaanian air, "How was your day?"

I got this feeling one cold-a*s day when you were gone.

"Ummm okay..."

I crashed my swoop into a bridge.

"Hey! That cost me ..... oh wait. Baras bought me that piece of sh*t."

I wanna let it go.

"The hell? Are you drunk again?"

I threw a Sith into a bag and threw it down the stairs.

"Who was he?"

I crashed my swoop into a bridge.

"Yes, you mentioned that."

I don't care.

"You're kinda disrupting my chess game with Mal."

I love it. I LOVE IT

"Ummm..... you being insane is actually kinda sexy."

You're on a Core-bound ship, I'm on the Batwing, eh?

"Wait. Why are we going to Corellia?"

Wish we were down in bed, but we're in empty space

"Are you trying to tell me something?"

You're so damn hard to get. I can't find your switch

"What switch are you referring t.... OHHH! I get it."

You're Corellian, but I'm a Nar Shaddaa b*tch.

"I see. Challenge accepted."

"Finally," Vette sighed happily, "Last one there sleeps on the floor!"

And they ran to J'm's quarters, leaving Quinn to his boredom.....and awkwardly wiggling his eyebrows at his girlfriend.

J'm walked out of the cabin that he and Vette now shared after their recent wedding, noticing that Vette was most certainly not in the room. He stomach grumbled with anticipation of the......frozen chicken sandwich. Why was that the only thing in the fridge?

He walked into the dining room to find his crew, including Broonmark, Treek, and the droids, with comb-overs and tight leather jumpsuits that made J'm shudder. He just hoped they weren't doing what he thought they were gonna do.

And, in the background, music began to play. And Pierce, Quinn, HK-51, and Broonmark began to sing.

You were working as a waitress at a cocktail bar

When I met you

I picked you up, I shook you up

"Oh hell, no," J'm muttered, his eyes burning from the sight.

And turned you around

Turned you into someone new

Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet

Success has been so easy for you

But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now

And I can put you back down too.

"Noooo!" J'm shouted over the music.

Don't. Don't you want me?

You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me

Don't. Don't you want me?

You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me

"I really don't need this..."

It's much too late to find

When you think you've changed your mind

You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry

"I definitely won't be sorry to see this stop"

Don't you want me, baby?

Don't you want me? Oh!

Don't you want me, baby?

Don't you want me? Oh!

“Not particularly…..”

And then Vette and Jaesa began to sing.

I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar

That much is true

But even then I knew I'd find a much better place

Either with or without you

The five years we have had have been such good at times

I still love you

But now I think it's time I lived my life on my own

I guess it's just what I must do

"What you must do is stop singing"

Don't. Don't you want me?

You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me

Don't. Don't you want me?

You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me

"Wow, Broonmark. Did they gel you whole head into a massive comb-over?"

It's much too late to find

When you think you've changed your mind

You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry

"I seriously doubt it."

Don't you want me, baby?

Don't you want me? Oh!

Don't you want me, baby?

Don't you want me? Oh!

"No, I want food."

Don't you want me, baby?

Don't you want me? Oh!

Don't you want me, baby?

Don't you want me? Oh!

"Are you really gonna keep singing the chorus?"

***********

Don't you want me, baby?

Don't you want me, oh oh oh!

Not you too, Khem. What's with the leather jacket?

Hell yes, little Sith. Tulak Hord used to dress like that, too.

Hi, Khemmie! What are you wearing?

Clothes. Even I wear them once in a while.

As opposed to the diaper? I guess I like this better.

Wait......Khem. Wow, that's actually a pretty good look on you. Where'd you get those?

I told you, Tulak Hord used to go to battle dressed like this. You don't think I have anything from the old days?

********

"So," J'm finally said to Vette, "You took the blanket, left me with only a frozen sandwich to eat, and left me alone."

"I can make up for it," she replied straight-faced.

"I was hoping so," he answered, equally calm.

"Last one there....," she began.

"....Sleeps on the floor," J'm finished.

And they ran to their cabin, mysteriously leaving clothes strewn about on the way.