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The Life that's Left

EverSteam's Avatar

12.17.2012 , 02:48 AM | #1
The Life that's Left

Contains no BH spoilers (I don't think it will) though will include I.A and Trooper spoilers eventually.
Continuation of my female bounty hunter fanfiction When I Wake, so it's post game.
Here's a link to When I Wake:

Nar Shaddaa: Two months later...

I walk around the ship.

I sit in my throne for a long time. I thought about moving these crates. Changing them. As if that could change what happened. Or the way I feel. But I know it can't. And I couldn't find the strength to do it. There's dust on the table. No one eats there anymore. Not anyone here to eat on them anyway.

I sit for a long time. Sometimes, I almost expect him to walk through the door. Back from a hunt. That I am staying up waiting for him. But these fantasies and lapses only injure. Only make it worse. Because the reality I keep having to realise hurts so very, very bad. And every time I realise, it only hurts more. He will never walk through the door again. Don't think that will ever stop hurting.

After the sobs subside, I become aware of a heart beat. Wouldn't be strange if I knew I wasn't the only one on the ship. I listen. It's coming from Gault's room. I get up and walk over, opening the door with no caution. I'd know that swift heart beat anywhere.

Gault's sitting on his bed. Staring at his hands. I get the feeling things didn't go well on his end either. Had forgotten about him almost. Assumed him dead.

How'd you find me? When did you get back?' I hostilely open with. I'd rather not get touchy feely with Gault. I lean against the door frame and watch him.

'Didn't take long to. And oh, a little while. Wasn't exactly in a talkative mood.' I can't be bothered standing anymore. I sink down onto the other bed and lie on my back.

'Seriously. How did you find me? Changed the ships codes and erased everything about it prior.'

'Heard about that. Did you really have to kill them all?' He asks incredulously.

I shrug and smirk. 'Wasn't exactly in a talkative mood.'

Gault grunts and we lapse into silence. 'So taken a new name?'

I grunt an assent. 'Yeah. How'd you know it was me?'

'Not many other female, red haired cyborgs in the galaxy that like mass destruction the way you do.' Almost chuckle in reply. Got a point there. Think if there was someone like me I'd kill them. Then why is It still in your engine room?

'You've been gone eleven weeks, Gault. What the **** have you been doing?' I needed you. Reject the thought before it finishes forming. I don't know where it came from but I don't need it. Or want it.

'Missed me, did you?' Gault rolls onto his side to look at me. If I looked, I'd see that he wasn't mocking or grinning. But I don't.

I shake my head and keep looking at the ceiling. 'Don't be stupid, T- Gault. It's only annoying.'* My lips press together in a tight line. Need to get my head straight. Why won't my head get straight?

'Take that as a yes. Don't think blondie would like to hear that.' He wryly smiles at me but I don't say anything. Feel a knife of guilt go through me.

'Been on a soul searching cruise for the last nine weeks here on Nar Shaddaa,' Gault continues. 'Really think I wouldn't hear about your ship being docked here?'

'Let me guess: searching your soul involved sleeping with every hot female that was willing and rich - though maybe after six weeks your standards of beauty dropped - and drinking as much of anything you could get your hands on,' I dryly comment back, ignoring the second half of what he said.

Wonder if Gault came as soon as he heard. Wouldn't be surprised if he's got a tracker on my ship. Though it is surprising he came back. Thought his self preservation was stronger than that. I don't know what I would have done to him if he had been there. I only know I don't feel like killing him at this moment. But moments always end.

'Well, yes,' he admits with no shame. 'And I think I'm going to continue this soul searching now as the results of the past nine weeks has been immensely limited.'

He sits up and twists an arm to reach under the bed, looking for something. When he can't feel it, he climbs off the bed and looks underneath. He sits up and scowls at me when he can't find anything.

'Didn't think you'd ever be back,'** I say with a grin. Comes so natural I don't even question how I can do it. He looks wounded and lies back down on the other bed.

'Obviously,' Gault sardonically replies with a roll of his eyes. 'Don't want to help me with the other half of my soul searching then?' He asks suggestively, patting the empty space of bed next to him.

'Keep dreaming, Gault.' I roll my eye.

'Trust me, I will.' I scoff in reply and we lapse into silence.

'My pipe dream with Hylo went down about how you'd have expected,' he says eventually.

'Well. I'm here if you want to talk. And I'm here even if you don't - you are on my ship.' Feel a flicker of amusement in that I almost sound like I used to just within a few minutes of seeing Gault again. Guess Gault's the closest thing I've ever had to a friend. I think that comes in the top five of sad things about my life. Definitely at the top of the most pathetic.

I can't find the strength to move or smile. I need to sleep. Haven't in a while. Came to Nar Shaddaa as a break. Only left the ship once in the two days I've been docked here. First night in a cantina turned out like how all my nights in a cantina do. Least I gave the bartender some compensation this time.

'Not exactly in the habit of pouring my heart out but...' Gault sighs, rolling onto his back and pressing his hands against his eyes. 'After all these years I finally caught up with her and she hadn't changed a bit.'

If I didn't think I knew better, I would have thought there was something a little disappointed and bitter in his voice; like he had finally tasted a lolly he had once as a child and now he is older it isn't as sweet.

He doesn't talk for a while. And I can't be bothered speaking. When he does, he tells me she was the same. She had been in a stasis chamber. To her, it was still raw and the other day. Don't think it would have mattered how much time had passed. Sometimes, time only makes things worse.

'She took off the first chance she got. Hardly the reunion I was looking for but at least I got her out of there. That counts for something, right?' His voice is pleading. He needs to hear it does. We all need to hear something. I'm never going to hear what I want to again.

So I shrug. And mumble something undefined. Something about being 'stuck like that forever otherwise'. If he had never come. Never gone to her. Never tried to help her. The thought hurts. I'm not thinking of Hylo and I'm not thinking of Gault.

'She deserved better than that. And I'm not Lokai anymore. It took seeing her again to realise that.' He doesn't talk for a while. 'Hey, who needs love anyway... thanks.'

I don't say anything. I can't. I'm crying in my own way again. I don't need love. Just him. I'm back to where I started. Only this time, it hurts a lot more.

Gault leaves. Something about getting drunk. I don't think he realises I won't be docked here in the morning. And that everyone on the ship is gone.

Who does need love anyway?


* Parallel to what she said to Torian at one point: "Don't be so stupid. It's not that cute." Thus the slip in names.
** Torian and BH drink Gault's wine after he leaves.


Inconsequential note:

MilaniGrey's Avatar

12.17.2012 , 09:25 AM | #2
Yay, more rampages! I can't wait.
The Islingr Legacy
Ebon Hawk Server
"How dreadfully spooky." -- Vesaniae's Darth Nox

iamthehoyden's Avatar

12.17.2012 , 09:43 AM | #3
"Then why is It still in your engine room?"
Think my eyebrows went through my hairline, lol. Let's just label this emotion for what it is - rabid curiosity

I like that she still has a friend of sorts. I was so curious as to how she'd relate to Gault now.
aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Fan Fiction: My Name is Solomon Crae The Man in the Box

EverSteam's Avatar

12.19.2012 , 02:32 AM | #4
A week later on an outer rim world...

I drag myself back to the ship.

The useless droid comes down the ramp and pulls me up it. I wave his pathetic attempts at healing me away when inside and sit alone. After a while, I get undressed in my empty, torn room. I don't even throw the armour on the floor. I more just drop it and let the clang deafen my ears.

I heal myself as best as I can be f***ed. Made some stupid mistakes out there. Was preoccupied. I put on some form of clothing. No one around to see me but me. Seeing myself is the last thing I want.

I inject some serum. I don't feel anything.

I call to the droid to bring some wine. It silently follows my orders and I idly wonder when I'll bother using the one under a sheet, shut down and in the ships cage. Really do wonder what kind of people had this ship before me if they have their own cage, a frozen man and crates full of alcohol. Far from complaining though. Definitely my kind of ship.

I sit in the cold and dark of the cargo hold. Alone except for dust. Haven't sat here since Gault's visit. Don't regret leaving the Devaronian. Was for his best. Since when were you so self sacrificing?

I pour myself some wine into the glass that the droid brings. I drink it quickly. So I give up using the glass.

I start to talk. Because part of me sees him there. I tell him of the days battles. It's been many. Haven't stopped till everything for 10,000 miles was destroyed. Will be provided with a reward for a fifth of it. Rest I just did anyway. Leaving here tonight. Don't know where I'll head next. Find it hard to run away from something I'm carrying with me. But I just can't do anything yet.

I go upstairs and sit in front on the holo terminal on the ground, pulling the warm and waiting blanket around my shoulders. I play back the last message.

Blizz appears, flickering to grey and blue life.

'Hey, Boss. Blizz back on Tatooine now. Landed today,' he begins. It's always the same. 'Hey, Boss,' and then tells me where they have moved to.

Blizz goes on to describe the things they're finding, people they're meeting, things they're delivering and just everything he's been doing. He sends me a message every three days. Has been ever since he left without fail despite never receiving a reply.

I laugh sometimes at the adventures or misunderstandings he tells. He seems happy when he talks about it. But then the end comes and it's always the same.

'Blizz miss you, Boss. Blizz is waiting for you. Blizz hope you are ok and will come soon so Blizz can be home again. Blizz needs to keep Torian promise and misses Torian. Boss be safe. Blizz wait to hear from you.'

Always shake my head and hold the yearning and hurt inside me. I refuse to cry. I don't want to cry. So I only sit with a stoney face and replay it again and again. Sometimes, I cut the play back before he says good bye and just listen to the Jawa's happy chatter as if he were here. But tonight, I can only listen to the same line again and again, telling myself that no matter how it hurts, I won't cry. And I won't call Blizz.

'Blizz needs to keep Torian promise and misses Torian.'

When I come to, I am lying on the floor in front of the holoterminal, twisted in blankets.

My chest hurts. My lungs to be specific. Not much else there too hurt. I walk outside in a daze.

I lie down on my back on the cargo ramp, and look up to the stars. For every star that clutters the sky, I can think of all the little things I miss. I never thought they would mean everything to me - the things beyond his smiles. Beyond his company. His presence. His voice. His touch. His love. His eyes. His laughter. His hair. His proud stride. His anger. His honour. His fighting. His sweat. His words. His silence. His serious expression. His body. His lips. His arms. His heart. His warmth. His breathing. His everything.

Guess everything about him always meant everything to me. Just means even more now. I knew what I had already. I didn't need to lose it to know. But this doesn't make it hurt any less. Because he still isn't here.

I miss him.

I admit this to myself in these hours. Silently and alone. Have no one else to say them to. I guess that's my fault. Even if Skadge were here, I would never say it to him. Or lower myself as to admit it to Mako. I don't know what I'd say to Gault. I don't think I'd need to tell him. And if Blizz were here, I would never feel anything else. But it's all you ever think anyway... I shake my head. This ship and everything on it is no place for something like Blizz.

I miss you, Torian. Do you miss me?

But such a small word doesn't do justice to it. Seems lots of words are too small and narrow to suitably express anything.

I just need him to be again.

Guess it is that simple. When will this start to be alright?

I get up and go to the c*ckpit. I start to type coordinates but stop when I realize what I'm doing. Taris, huh? But I know there's nothing left for me there. I made sure of that. It doesn't have my answer. Because I already know it too well.

This will never be alright. I will never be alright.

And he isn't there waiting for me.



MilaniGrey's Avatar

12.19.2012 , 12:14 PM | #5
So many sads. <3
The Islingr Legacy
Ebon Hawk Server
"How dreadfully spooky." -- Vesaniae's Darth Nox

iamthehoyden's Avatar

12.19.2012 , 02:10 PM | #6
'Blizz miss you, Boss. Blizz is waiting for you. Blizz hope you are ok and will come soon so Blizz can be home again. Blizz needs to keep Torian promise and misses Torian. Boss be safe. Blizz wait to hear from you.'

Shoot, I need to remind myself not to read this at work. Crying is not professional.
aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Fan Fiction: My Name is Solomon Crae The Man in the Box

EverSteam's Avatar

12.21.2012 , 05:44 AM | #7
@Hoyden: Did you really cry at your work??
I'm glad you liked it.

@Milani: in kind of way


The routine...

Check outside of ship for trackers.

Enter the ship. Don't hesitate.

Stop. Listen. Nothing.

Thermal look. Nothing.

Check the droid. Locked and down. Don't think.

Quick sweep of ships interior for trackers. Avoid engine room. Don't look back.

Walk to the refresher. Get undressed. Clean knives and cybernetics. Have shower. Wash hair. Dry body. Get dressed. Don't grieve.

Take serum. Go downstairs. Cook (Optional). Eat (Also optional). Work out. Practice. Shower again. Don't miss.

Check the ships status. Set course if needed. Fix anything. Don't regret.

Go to bed. Sleep for 1.3 hours. Wake as soon as dreams begin. Don't dream.

Work out. Practice. Shower. Sleep again. Wake. Don't remember.

Check holo messages. Think of Gault. Watch Blizz's latest message. Cry (optional). Take serum. Sleep. Don't feel.

Wake. Shower. Work out. Shower. Get dressed. Eat. Leave. Kill. Return in days. Only get revenge.




iamthehoyden's Avatar

12.21.2012 , 09:53 AM | #8
Quote: Originally Posted by EverSteam View Post
@Hoyden: Did you really cry at your work??
I'm glad you liked it.
I did actually, thankfully got it under control before more than a tear or two escaped. Ugh, I am such a sap, which is why I generally avoid things that are likely to make me cry lol.

Losing someone is terrible, but their absence from the normal routine of the day - that empty spot they used to fill, sounds they used to make - that part is worse in some ways. Like the whole universe is off tilt.
aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Fan Fiction: My Name is Solomon Crae The Man in the Box

EverSteam's Avatar

12.23.2012 , 05:36 AM | #9
Three days later... (after post #4)

My fingers jab in the code for the force field. I have no choice any more. I need someone to be with me for arms support when the time comes. This droid should serve as good as any deceitful, repulsive mercenary. And I don't have to pay a droid. Though I most likely would kill the mercenary...

I slowly take the sheet down, turning my targeting on and letting my turret slowly come up. I watch the droid suspiciously and then reboot him.

The bright, yellow slits for eyes flicker to life and its head rises. Something in me is repelled by this droid while something else is drawn to it. Guess the mixed feeling is why it has stayed yet always been turned off. I'm scared this droid will be a reflection of myself once you take away the thin layer of skin any lingering humanity that he left me with.

'Report: one moment, master. I must ascertain my capabilities and run a system diagnostic.'

I nod and step back. And the minutes go by. But I don't move and I don't take my eyes from the droid. Something tells me I should never take my eyes off this droid. And I have nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. So I stand. And wait.

And after an hour and a half it speaks again in crackling, high tones that make me feel a little less human.

'Declaration: I have completed a full analysis of my functions, master.'

'Really? Are you sure you don't need another two hours?' I ask mordantly.

'No, master. That will not be necessary. I am ready to liquidate high-threat undesirables with one-hundred percent efficiency, as the Maker intended.'

'Mmm, that's nice,' I reply with faux absentmindedness that thinly hides a strong acrimony that never leaves my speech or thoughts; an animosity directed at a fate I didn't chose, a mistake I was foolish enough to make, a continually insidious galaxy, and a hatred I have for myself and everything connected with what I am.

The bitter words and attitude escape before I can think of an alternative and I lack the energy, will and reason to change. But what doesn't even terrify or disgust me anymore, is that I have stopped caring. The nights I spend with Blizz's holos is an echo of what I was that slips through the cracks in my loosening grasp; a small flame of a woman who once cared for something beyond herself. That light will soon go out and I will finally open my engine room. I only need a little more patience and a little more life.

'Enthusiastic reply: yes, master! It is very nice to exterminate organics. I am glad you also feel this way.' The droids voice almost does sound excited and I stare at it squarely for a long time.

I come to a conclusion on my course of action. I think this droid will be a suitable companion. Though like my last droid it also seems inclined to talking, this new one at least can kill people and won't try to repaint my ship, continually fail me, continuously clean or generally disappoint or aggravate me in every way imaginable.

'I do. We land on Ilum in three hours. It will be the testing grounds of your capabilities as there are some bases on the other side of the planet still standing. If your abilities do not meet my standards, I will disassemble you immediately and sell whatever is left of you.'

'Prideful declaration: My capabilities at eliminating organics is the best in the galaxy, master! You will not find a better droid for the elimination of undesired organics.'

'You will have to prove this. Your word is not enough,' I sternly reply. 'I do not trust you, droid. If you betray me, endanger my life, cross me or speak against me, I will destroy you like I did the rest of my crew. Am I clear?'

'Reply: Crystal clear, master. I will follow any orders given to me by my master.'

A wave of uneasiness passes through me but I smother it. I cannot see a reason for the droid to kill me yet. But the scathing sarcasm and patronisation was unmistakable.

'Good. I am being hunted, droid, and if you prove yourself, you will be needed to eliminate any assassin sent after me. No one is to enter this ship but me. No one is to walk within ten feet of this ship but me. If someone enters or comes within that distance, shoot them without question.'

That is enough of an order for now. My other need of him can come later. It isn't time for that. Not yet.

'Oath: While aboard your starship, I will retain a constant vigilance. You can rest easy here. Your absolute security occupies my every calculation. I anticipate liquidating a great many undesirables in your service, master.'

I give him a vicious grin. 'Trust me, droid, if this works out, we'll be killing more organics than your little mechanic brain could ever dream of.'

'Excited exclamation: I look forward to it, master.'

'Good. Now shut yourself down.'

'Of course, master.' His eyes go dark and his metal head hangs once more. But I don't trust it. So I reboot the cage and don't take the holo cam off it. It doesn't move all night.

And so we land on Ilum.



iamthehoyden's Avatar

12.23.2012 , 08:56 AM | #10
HK is the perfect accompaniment to this stage of her life, perfect
aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Fan Fiction: My Name is Solomon Crae The Man in the Box