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BCNN Newsflash: Cold War Called Off - “It’s Pointless” Say Military Leaders

STAR WARS: The Old Republic > English > Story and Lore
BCNN Newsflash: Cold War Called Off - “It’s Pointless” Say Military Leaders

Entropicana's Avatar


Entropicana
12.20.2011 , 01:38 AM | #1
Cold War Called Off - “It’s Pointless” Say Military Leaders

DK City, DROMUND KAAS Ahead of yesterday’s announcement that the Dark Council has foreseen the Empire’s defeat thousands of years in the future, despair has spread like gloomy wildfire through the ranks of the Imperial Armed Forces. Lord Kras today issued a statement, saying that the vision reveals the Empire’s position as untenable. “What’s the point?” he said to a crowded press conference, “In fact, why am I even here?”

The vision predicted a major Imperial defeat some 3,650 years in the future by a farmboy with a terrible haircut.

The response to this vision has been devastating, with entire battalions of Sith soldiers throwing down their weapons and deserting. “You know, I got better things to do,” said one Imperial Sergeant, “Me and some of the fellas saved up for a holiday pad on Thyferra. Who cares about this miserable war?” He then yelled at his troops, “Pack it up, ladies! We’re going speeder-sailing!”

Not everyone is entirely convinced, however. Grand Moff Kilran has called for calm, calling the vision a hoax. “We haven’t even verified that the vision actually originated from the Dark Council. Those guys don’t have good lines of communication. Probably more than one of them heard the same thing on the grapevine and assumed that all the other Council members were in on it. It wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened.”

In fact, Kilran went so far as to suggest the whole thing was a Republic monkey wrench. “It’s not true. And even if it is, it doesn’t matter. And even if it does, it’s not relevant for thousands of years.”

The Grand Moff concluded, “I mean, come on. This whole thing is just a thermal detonator of Stupid.”

His statement has done little to stem the tide of hopelessness that has overcome the Empire’s war machine. It is predicted that at this rate, the Imperial Armada will be completely decommissioned within months.

Meanwhile, on the planet Tython, rumours are starting to emerge that that the Jedi Council have had a similar vision of impending (on a geological scale) defeat at the hand of a sith lord who manages to sieze the reins of the republic by guile. Again, this vision's subject transpires in about three and a half millenia, but Republic officials are already taking it seriously.

Just minutes ago, Supreme Chancellor Janarus abruptly concluded a speech before the military joint chiefs. Partway through an uncharacteristically lackluster motivational talk he broke off saying, "But in the long run... it doesn't really matter, does it? None of this," he waved his hand vaguely at a massive Republic battlestation, "will really matter in the end." Holocam footage show his shoulders slumping, before he leaves the stage without a further word.

Embarrassed officials were left to conclude the ceremony with an awkwardly-timed performance of the Republic anthem.

Stay tuned for further developments.


- Kyrah Veltares dejectedly reporting for Begeren Colo-Net News (BCNN) -

In other news...
  • Empire Imposes Ban on “Sith Happens” Bumper Stickers
  • Study Warns Kolto Darts May Cause Discomfort, Bleeding, Dart-Related Death

Maximelene's Avatar


Maximelene
12.20.2011 , 02:59 AM | #2
Thanks. Oh, really, thanks =D

LamJoav's Avatar


LamJoav
12.20.2011 , 04:09 AM | #3
Yes, thank you for this! Very well done!

I particularly enjoyed the bit about the farmboy with the bad haircut.
"I should think that you Jedi would have more respect for the difference between knowledge and wisdom." -Dexter Jettster
.

Cookie_monsta's Avatar


Cookie_monsta
12.20.2011 , 04:40 AM | #4
Funny stuff well done man
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Gun_Slinger's Avatar


Gun_Slinger
12.20.2011 , 08:59 AM | #5
Quote: Originally Posted by Entropicana View Post
Cold War Called Off - “It’s Pointless” Say Military Leaders

DK City, DROMUND KAAS Ahead of yesterday’s announcement that the Dark Council has foreseen the Empire’s defeat thousands of years in the future, despair has spread like gloomy wildfire through the ranks of the Imperial Armed Forces. Lord Kras today issued a statement, saying that the vision reveals the Empire’s position as untenable. “What’s the point?” he said to a crowded press conference, “In fact, why am I even here?”

The vision predicted a major Imperial defeat some 3,650 years in the future by a farmboy with a terrible haircut.

The response to this vision has been devastating, with entire battalions of Sith soldiers throwing down their weapons and deserting. “You know, I got better things to do,” said one Imperial Sergeant, “Me and some of the fellas saved up for a holiday pad on Thyferra. Who cares about this miserable war?” He then yelled at his troops, “Pack it up, ladies! We’re going speeder-sailing!”

Not everyone is entirely convinced, however. Grand Moff Kilran has called for calm, calling the vision a hoax. “We haven’t even verified that the vision actually originated from the Dark Council. Those guys don’t have good lines of communication. Probably more than one of them heard the same thing on the grapevine and assumed that all the other Council members were in on it. It wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened.”

In fact, Kilran went so far as to suggest the whole thing was a Republic monkey wrench. “It’s not true. And even if it is, it doesn’t matter. And even if it does, it’s not relevant for thousands of years.”

The Grand Moff concluded, “I mean, come on. This whole thing is just a thermal detonator of Stupid.”

His statement has done little to stem the tide of hopelessness that has overcome the Empire’s war machine. It is predicted that at this rate, the Imperial Armada will be completely decommissioned within months.

Meanwhile, on the planet Tython, rumours are starting to emerge that that the Jedi Council have had a similar vision of impending (on a geological scale) defeat at the hand of a sith lord who manages to sieze the reins of the republic by guile. Again, this vision's subject transpires in about three and a half millenia, but Republic officials are already taking it seriously.

Just minutes ago, Supreme Chancellor Janarus abruptly concluded a speech before the military joint chiefs. Partway through an uncharacteristically lackluster motivational talk he broke off saying, "But in the long run... it doesn't really matter, does it? None of this," he waved his hand vaguely at a massive Republic battlestation, "will really matter in the end." Holocam footage show his shoulders slumping, before he leaves the stage without a further word.

Embarrassed officials were left to conclude the ceremony with an awkwardly-timed performance of the Republic anthem.

Stay tuned for further developments.


- Kyrah Veltares dejectedly reporting for Begeren Colo-Net News (BCNN) -

In other news...
  • Empire Imposes Ban on “Sith Happens” Bumper Stickers
  • Study Warns Kolto Darts May Cause Discomfort, Bleeding, Dart-Related Death
Except the nerd in me wants to say...the EMPIRE was not really defeated by Luke. He defeated the REPUBLIC which a sith and his crony had taken over. He was only in charge for like what, 20 years? I never really got how in that time thousands of years of republic was all of a sudden 'empire.' All the ships pointy and evil looking, all the officers wearing different uniforms. I mean come on, 20 years to replace an entire space fleet, overhaul thousands of years of tradition, both civilian and military, and replace it with something entirely new, all by a frankenstein monster and a guy who just sits in a chair staring out his window? /endnerdrage.

The TRUE sith empire is an entirely different apparatus, never melded with Republic.
"It's a trap!" "Your tastebuds can't repel firepower of this magnitude!"

psychogobstopper's Avatar


psychogobstopper
12.20.2011 , 09:02 AM | #6
^ The answer to those questions is fairly simple: because the process started even before Palpatine was granted "emergency powers" and declared the birth of the "First Galactic Empire." It all began while he was Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, and is shown through the evolution of starship designs, etc., during the prequel trilogy.

Gun_Slinger's Avatar


Gun_Slinger
12.20.2011 , 09:08 AM | #7
Quote: Originally Posted by psychogobstopper View Post
^ The answer to those questions is fairly simple: because the process started even before Palpatine was granted "emergency powers" and declared the birth of the "First Galactic Empire." It all began while he was Supreme Chancellor of the Republic, and is shown through the evolution of starship designs, etc., during the prequel trilogy.
I suppose...but still. THOOUUUUUUSANDS of years?

Anywa...I also refuse to recognize the prequal trilogy as existing. I'm not even sure what you're referring to. Prequals? You mean like the Courtship of Pricess Leia? Or Heir to the Empire? Those happened afterwards though...

Oh, that brings up another point...Why are the CHISS involved in the Sith Empire? What? They are like an uber xenophobic group that hates being controlled. Thrawn was an OUTCAST from chiss society. Weird.

I'll still play my chiss Agent though.
"It's a trap!" "Your tastebuds can't repel firepower of this magnitude!"

psychogobstopper's Avatar


psychogobstopper
12.20.2011 , 09:12 AM | #8
I'm not sure where you're coming from with this "thousaaaands of years" bit. I never got the impression from the original trilogy that history had been rewritten to show the Galactic Empire as having existed for thousands of years. After all, Obi-Wan Kenobi talks about the Clone Wars as having occurred and the Jedi Order as having existed a mere twenty years before those movies.

Narien's Avatar


Narien
12.20.2011 , 09:12 AM | #9
Quote: Originally Posted by Gun_Slinger View Post
Oh, that brings up another point...Why are the CHISS involved in the Sith Empire? What? They are like an uber xenophobic group that hates being controlled. Thrawn was an OUTCAST from chiss society. Weird.
Short version:

Chiss pragmatism overruled a hopeless idealistic last stand.

Long Version:

Remnants of the Sith Empire after getting their *** kicked on Korriban at the end of the Great Hyperspace War reconstituted in the Unknown Regions, and began an expansionist campaign. They ran across the Chiss, and gave them the usual "join us or die" speec they gave everyone else. The Chiss said "ok, we'll join, but we've got conditions".

Gun_Slinger's Avatar


Gun_Slinger
12.20.2011 , 09:14 AM | #10
Quote: Originally Posted by psychogobstopper View Post
I'm not sure where you're coming from with this "thousaaaands of years" bit. I never got the impression from the original trilogy that history had been rewritten to show the Galactic Empire as having existed for thousands of years. After all, Obi-Wan Kenobi talks about the Clone Wars as having occurred and the Jedi Order as having existed a mere twenty years before those movies.
No, you misunderstand, not saying the empire existed for thousands of years, saying the republic did, and overnight (20-30 years) it is all overwritten and in IV we've got "the rebellion against the empire" instead of "the rebellion against the corrupted republic." Doesn't make sense to me.
"It's a trap!" "Your tastebuds can't repel firepower of this magnitude!"