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Yours to Hold


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EverSteam
11.08.2012 , 05:28 AM | #31
Quote: Originally Posted by MilaniGrey View Post
Need moar Torian perspective!
As demanded, I shall supply

Sorry for the delay. Darn subscription ran out. Hope this is good. Spent quite a lot of time on it trying to think things through and get it right. Makes reference to Belsavis events. Set on Hoth and correlates with post 137 of When I Wake which you may or may not want to (re)read to remember.

Hoth: 24 hours (there abouts) after rescuing Torian.

Took a while to realise we weren't fighting anything recently.

Thought occurs to us at the same time. Had been lost in enjoying seeing her vicious grin as she felt free, riding circles around me and jumping down cliffs. Like her careless disregard for her safety and her constant belief that she can survive anything. Her belief that there isn't anything she can't do or destroy. Her belief that nothing can touch her.

When we stop on top of a large hill, the horizon in all directions is merely spotted with red piles of carcasses. But I don't spend long looking around us. Only have eyes for her. Only ever had eyes for her. Won't forget the fear that I would die without ever seeing her again.

Adore her hungry eyes as she looks for more; the fire that is in her wanting to burn more and more now that it has started; her desperate fear of burning out. Can't imagine anything but herself hurting her. She still has some hardened blood on her cheek. Can't help but notice it's the same colour as her hair.

I try to wipe the blood away but fail. So I just kiss her. Her lips are cold but she tastes sweet. Do anything to protect her. Knew it was a trap at the cantina. Thought I could handle it on my own. Thought she'd never have to know. But they were waiting in the shuttle down. Hadn't thought of that. Guess Cyare would have. Can't fight gas either.

She breaks away. 'Bet I can beat you back.' I like her constant need for competitions. Wonder who she's trying to prove herself to. Not complaining. Wouldn't be much of Mando'ad if I didn't like competitions. And racing her is always thrilling.

'Bet what?' My mouth twitches into a smile. Feel I can do anything when I look at her. Don't feel tired or bruised.

She doesn't hesitate in replying. Know it's because she knows she's better. 'Anything you want. If I win, you cook for me. If you win, it's anything you want.' How could I say no to that? Only needs to ask and I'll do whatever she wants. Doesn't need to make it a bet. I like cooking for her. Like making her happy. Makes losing a tempting thought. Because what do you want? Could have one thing I wanted I wouldn't know what it would be. But know it would involve her.

She swiftly moves onto her speeder with unaware ease and I want to only take her off it and kiss her again.

'You're on.' My words are lost in the rev of the speeder and I leap onto mine to follow her. She grins back at me and waves while taking a ramp and flipping. She lands perfectly and I think I can hear her laughter. I want to laugh along with her. But as I weave with focus through the rocks and icicles, I can only frown in concentration.
See a lone ice cat and speed up, cutting into her path so she is forced to run into it. Only slows her down by mere seconds as she swiftly cuts it's throat. But it's enough to win.

As the outposts gates shut behind us and the blizzard sets in, notice how the officers and soldiers that clutter the outpost give her a wide berth and terrified eyes. She sneers at them and avoids my eyes. Wonder what happened while I was gone. Whatever it was, don't think she wants me to know.

Knew she'd come for me. I had faith in her. Thing about faith is, you only need it when there is doubt. Part of me somehow thought, despite everything, that she would leave me to die. Feel like a fool for thinking it. Know she would feel more than a little hurt if I said it. Don't think I've ever enjoyed being proven wrong so much.

Because I remember the bitter ire in her expression and words; the ferocity in her as she rapidly and gracefully cut them down. Her satisfaction in watching the bodies burn and her continuous laughter. Saw the monster she could be as she stood in the red glow. Don't know how to feel when I know it was for me. Blood dripped from her blades and it seemed like they complete her like nothing else I'd seen or known.

Never knew she had them. Wonder if she has any more surprises. Hate the constant reminders that I don't really know her. Can't deny that I enjoyed watching her slaughter them. Never seen anything so nauseatingly beautiful. Not only enjoyed it for what they did to me, but what they told me they would do to her when they got her. Guess I didn't want her to come in case they could fulfil their boasts. Didn't want her to go through that again. Remember the dread and disapproval in her voice as I didn't shoot him straight away. Had been wondering if that was really enough pain for a ge'hutuun shabuir. Shot him like I did Jicoln. Neither were worth any more time.

I shake my head and watch her demand a room and dinner for us. She proves that fear can sometimes work as well as love and respect. For her, I feel all three. Doesn't matter what she can be. As long as in the end, she runs to me. Won't forget the crazed concern in her eyes as she took in my injuries and untied my bounds; how gentle her hands were as she treated my injuries. And the a'den that slowly built up and shook her body. She didn't let it out until I was treated and asleep. Guess that's who she really is.

'Come on. Got us a Captain's room.' She holds up the pass key and grins. Makes it sound like she won the best room in a etyc motel in the Red Light Sector. Don't want to know what she had to say to get it. Do want to know what she did on her way to me. When I don't move and only watch her, she takes my hand and drags me along. I go willingly.

She appraises the room with a contemptuous eye, takes off her boots and checks for listening devices. I eye the bed warily and avoid her eyes as she moves about. Don't want her to see the ideas I'm getting.

She walks into a small adjacent room and once a small pile of bugs is in the middle of the floor, she smashes them with her foot, metal crunching like candy in an ade's jaws. I look at her feet. Surprised to see they are white and dainty. Never seen her feet before. But like everywhere, there is something dark under her skin and I wonder how many of the shadows under her skin are waiting knives. Seems unaware I'm watching her and lifts her foot to peer at the sole. Not surprised by what I see. Entire sole of her foot is a metal plate. She wipes it with hand and small debris falls to the floor.

She catches me staring and keeps stepping back in an attempt to hide them. Only stops when her back hits the wall. Vulnerability seems to arise at strange times. Makes her kind of sweet. No she really would kill me if she caught me thinking that. She gains composure and grabs clothes out of the wardrobe. She waves a careless hand and claims the first shower. Don't challenge her and doesn't occur to me I might need one more. Just stand still for a moment and try to decide what to do.

Take off my armour as she begins to run the water and pile it away neatly. Look through the Captain's clothes and find a pair of clothes least Imperial. Sit on the bed next to them and wait for her to finish. Too conscious of her to think about anything. Everything that happened before the last thirteen hours seems unreal. And so does this.

Remember when I first had to leave her on Belsavis. Hated it. Made me frustrated and angry to leave her with the ge'hutuun Houk. Couldn't stand it at all. Didn't stop pacing after I got back to the ship. Just waited for her call. After it came, knew I had to go to her. Couldn't leave her.

Travel wasn't long. Ran as fast as I could when it was possible. Didn't know what to do once I got there. Felt sad when she had on me on the ground faster than I could see. Hate how guarded she is. How the layers and triggers go so deep. But what made it worse was how devastated she looked after. Fighting a part of herself and I have no way to help.

Was amazed when she stood before the Dread Masters. But was scared for her more. Wanted to be ready and by her side standing. Thinking that made their pressure nothing. Because I would do anything to stop my nightmare from happening. I refuse to be grovelling and useless.

Even more surprised by the way she kissed me. Never been kissed like that. Only thing that made walking away possible was her promise. Only thing that made the nights waiting for her bearable was the thought of having more than her lips when she returned.

She emerges in pants and a shirt that are far too big for her. She tries to look unaware of it. Know she is. Just smile a little. Don't think she realises how beautiful she is no matter what she wears. Walk over to her and kiss her cheek. Sometimes, her eyes look so blank. Wonder if it's only when she thinks of me.

Run the hot water in the shower. Feels good after being in the cold for so long. Look in the mirror and shrug at myself. Feel awkward when I come out of the shower. Never worn such expensive clothes. She isn't looking at me though. Seems engrossed in examining something in a cupboard in the bar.

'Torian. Found it.' She turns her head to look at me over her shoulder and holds a bottle where I can see. 'Captain's finest. Think we have better things to celebrate than he ever will.' I nod and join her at the table. Interested in knowing what is she wants to celebrate.

Eyes are amused as she notices my clothes. I shrug a little and look away. Note sure I like the hungry look in her eyes. Cyare fills me in on how it went down with Zale. Not sure what the exact emotion is for when she tells me she took out the Sith. She's not normally so frivolous. Briefing is all business and that tells me she missed me more than any words could have. And when we return to the ship two days later, the broken panels speak volumes.

Tell her how I got captured in return and she only nods but doesn't comment. Don't want her too. Feels like a failure. My thoughts turn to our race. Displeased at her smirk and comments on my lack of chivalry. Not angry with her though. Guess I'm angry at myself. Got caught up in the competition and forgot myself. Did something with no honour. Know I shouldn't claim the prize but this might be the only time.

Been getting better under Cyare's instruction. But even in the blur of the cave, I could see I was not in her league. Only seen Jedi and Sith move as fast as she did. She'll always be too good for me. But will still try my hardest to be a man she can proud of.

I listen to the distant music. Comradery of the Imperials reminds me of my brothers. Wonder if Cyare can dance. My mind wanders along that line of thought and I look away from her when I remember the dress she wore on Nar Shaddaa. Don't want her to see what I'm thinking. I watch her long nimble fingers play with her glass and notice they aren't as clean as usual. Sometimes, she gets sloppy. Know it's when other thing are happening.

Remember her shoulders on Belsavis, covered in white skin. And I think of her gun. Not hard to put two and two together. Must have hurt a lot. Look at her wrists. Know it must hurt when they come out. A dried line of orange blood is all there is now. Despise myself for how happy I feel when I think of what pain she went through to get me. Know it's not right to feel that way. But I can't stop it. Hate how she makes me feel something I don't want to. Conflicts she is so very unaware of.

And I can't change it now. So all I can do is make her smile in this moment and take her mind from things she won't talk to me about.

'Thought about what you have to do. Since I beat you.' She scowls at me and my lips twitch. Only she could look terrifying in clothes five sizes too big. Don't let my eyes wander to where it fits her perfectly. 'A dance.'

Blank look is back. Want to paint happiness in her eyes. She doesn't move but doesn't cringe away. Take that as an affirmative. Peel her hands from her drink and take her in my arms. Hold her by the hand and waist. Don't want to do anything fancy. Just want to be close to her. And make her feel beautiful. Was surprised when she kissed me in the cave. Tried that twelve hours earlier; hadn't worked very well. Now seems like she's never been anywhere but in my arms.

'Don't get used to this, Torian. I won't let you win again. Once off thing only.' Makes me a little sad, the way she can't seem to allow herself to be close. Way she hates it when she loses herself to something she can't yet trust. But she's in my arms. And that's a large start.

Don't let her know my thoughts. 'Let me win?' I smirk down at her and like the way her eyes light up. I kiss her firmly. Don't want to waste a moment of now. Don't want her to slip through my fingers. 'Just have to make the most of it then.' I grin at her new dazed face and hold her closer. And I like how she slowly relaxes against me.

Can hear the distant cheers and laughter of the soldiers. They don't sound like men preparing for war. But maybe this is how they do. Guess not all see war as Mando'ad do. Can't all revel in the thought of the honour to come. Think of what Corridan told me.

'Galaxies preparing for a war. Can hear the stars crying over the blood to be spilt already.'

'This what it felt like before the last war?'

Corridan nods. He doesn't say any more.

'Why would they cry?' He looks at me out of the corner of his eye. I only frown and look to the stars. She's floating somewhere out there. Waiting for me. Leaving now, Cyare. Be there soon.

He shakes his head and sighs. 'Find out soon enough, Torian. We will need men like you leading our ranks. You should think about where you'll want to be when this war starts.' He stands up from the log we sit on and looks away from the stars. Look he gave me was meaningful as I rose to stand in front of him, my bags in hand.

He clasps my free hand and continues. 'Would be privileged to fight alongside you. Becoming a strong an honourable man. Haven't seen one in a long time. Just think about it, Torian.'


Have been thinking about it. Mando'ad strive to prove themselves in battles and challenges. Wars are the greatest testing grounds we could ask for. Hated missing the last war. Before I met Cyare, nothing would have pleased me more than to hear Corridan's words. To have such praise. And to be offered a rank.

Mind comes back to the feel of Cyare in my arms. Feel her there is better than I imagined. Don't think I'd want to lose this. But it's hard to cast away and hide the dreams and excitement of my life. Feel her cold breath on my burning and bruised neck. It's chilling and soothing. Know she wouldn't want to wait. She's not the kind of woman to sit pining. She would fight a different battle somewhere else and I would fade from her mind. She would be fighting it alone and for herself. And I know how lost that could make her.

'Been thinking about something Corridan said. Said he'd be seeing real action soon. You think he meant it? Or was that just talk?'

She seems to consider my words for a brief moment. 'You're jealous.' More blunt than usual. Hadn't thought of it like that. Guess I don't want to be left of something bigger than me. 'It's just eating you up inside that he might go to war and you won't.' Her voice is analytical and cold. She's right in a way. Eating me up because I don't know what to do. Not as simple as it used to be. She came along and changed all that.

'A little.' Can't say any more than that. Haven't known how to tell her about Corridan's offer.

'Torian, we are working our way to killing a Master Jedi and the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. For a Sith lord. The treaty is broken. It is only a matter of time before the whole galaxy realises this. Corridan was right whether he knew it at the time or not. There will be another war.'

Her voice is bitter at the end. Don't think she meant for that feeling to slip out. Think she knows it won't just be the soldiers she hates killed in this war. Wonder if she ever doubts how much her revenge is worth when compared to the further consequences. Wonder if she hates the idea of what happened to her happening to ade all over the galaxy. Never ask these questions aloud. Don't think she could forgive me for it.

I know it all. But as weak as it is, I can't believe it. I don't want to leave her. Could never forgive myself if something happened to her and I wasn't there. Could never live with that. 'Almost hope you're both wrong. This armour isn't up for a decent fight.'

'There's nothing wrong with it, Torian.'

'It's ok. It might hold up, it might not.' Respond without thinking. Mando instincts come out and I reply fearlessly. Only scared of losing my life because it will leave her alone. 'I need you with me, Torian.' Can't forget her words. Was happy when she said them on Belsavis. When the words weren't merely muttered things amongst fear and groans.

'Don't say that. It's not ok.' Her voice is angry. Look down at her small ear and see its top is burning. Don't know what to say to such a fierce protest. Feel happy enough to leave that where it is.

'Mandalore gave you a piece of besker'gam, didn't he?' She nods and I can feel her slightly trembling. Wonder what emotion is straining against her small, lean body. 'It is the best. Only our people can work it.'

Say our people without thinking. Don't know how she feels to being Mando'ad. She listens to my stories and lectures with interest. But never comments unless it is to clarify a fact better. Want her to feel one of us. Want her to share it with me. Don't know another Mando'ad that follows 'Mando'ad draar digu' as closely as her. She's more one of us than I think she knows.

'It's the warrior that is important, not the armour.' Don't mean for the sarcasm to seep through my voice. And I don't want to know where it comes from.

'You are what is important. So stay with me.' A little shocked by how much she means it. I'm important? Wonder how far that importance goes. If she had to chose between revenge and me, would I win? Guess I do know. Because she came running for me. And killed everything in her way.

Look into her eye and see my answer. Sorry, Corridan. I just can't leave her.

'Always, Champion. Darasuum.' I'm her's to hold now and always. Been waiting for so long for her to know it.

'You'll see more action with me than an entire army. Promise. And I don't just mean in the battle field.'

I hold her tighter. Wonder how much she means that or if it's like all her other suggestions. Seems to be more real. Guess I'll find out before the end of this night.

But for this moment, I will only hold her and dread the day Corridan might ask me to break my words.

MilaniGrey's Avatar


MilaniGrey
11.08.2012 , 12:45 PM | #32
/swoon
The Islingr LegacyShatter the Darkness
Astaron, Narithia, Xalkory, ┴illeacht
The Ebon Hawk Server
Forever Shenanigans!

iamthehoyden's Avatar


iamthehoyden
11.08.2012 , 05:54 PM | #33
Good stuff
aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?
---------------
Fan Fiction: My Name is Solomon Crae The Man in the Box

Earthmama's Avatar


Earthmama
11.09.2012 , 03:26 PM | #34
mmm delicious Torian!

Earthmama's Avatar


Earthmama
11.12.2012 , 08:34 PM | #35
So I was listening to Fix you by Coldplay randomly and I thought of your Torian and BH. Just a testament to your writing that your characters randomly popped into my head.

EverSteam's Avatar


EverSteam
11.12.2012 , 10:13 PM | #36
Quote: Originally Posted by Earthmama View Post
So I was listening to Fix you by Coldplay randomly and I thought of your Torian and BH. Just a testament to your writing that your characters randomly popped into my head.
Thanks.

MilaniGrey's Avatar


MilaniGrey
11.17.2012 , 01:43 PM | #37
Need more Torian!
The Islingr LegacyShatter the Darkness
Astaron, Narithia, Xalkory, ┴illeacht
The Ebon Hawk Server
Forever Shenanigans!

EverSteam's Avatar


EverSteam
11.18.2012 , 02:25 AM | #38
Quote: Originally Posted by MilaniGrey View Post
Need more Torian!
I agree
I'll try and post one in a few days. I have too many ideas and need to structure them. Need to make sure Torian's perfect after all

EverSteam's Avatar


EverSteam
11.19.2012 , 11:47 PM | #39
During post 179 of When I Wake....


Watch her leave and begin to follow but the Devaronian is swifter and slyer.

Don't mean to stand and listen. Just happened. Wanted to hear her answer to Gault's proposition for a drink. Funny how assurances seem to mean nothing when I see the way he looks at her, how close he is to her.

'Not another business proposition, is it?' Hate the way she indulges the Devaronian. Wanted her to just say no, pin him to the ground, shoot him.

'Not unless you've got something you're selling.' He moves closer to her and I clench my fists. Still rooted to the spot. Surprised when she only laughs, moves away and unknowingly taunts him and me. Angers me that he belittles and removes her honour.

Says she's got a Devaronian for sale. But despite her casual insults, I wanted her to hit him, pull her gun on him or anything. Hate the way she lets him get away with anything, even suggesting something so vulgar and blatant. Her insults aren't enough.

'Really? A Devaronian? Interesting because I remember seeing the body of a really famous and handsome one on the market a few months ago. Made my heart bleed to see such a fine fellow sold to the highest bidder after his death.'

Stand transfixed listening to their quarrelling. Gault's self flattery makes me want to hurl. Times like these I feel aware of the time they spent before I came aboard. Hate the way I'm reminded all the time that I have missed so much time of her life.

Didn't like how she spoke of the General. Can't believe how surprised she was when I said I jealous. How couldn't I be? Obvious she loved him and still does in some twisted way. Think it's where all the hate comes from. Think it's sometimes herself she hates for still loving him. No point envying the dead though. And I know she loves me. Know she meant everything she said. And I know she needs me. Guess the present is all the matters. Can't change the past. Only wish she would let go a little. And that everything I know was enough.

'Only sly? He doesn't mean something more to you or deserve kinder words?' Listen to the Gault and wonder how she can only laugh, so very oblivious to the feelings of the Devaronian. Wonder if she knew, if she would feel any different. Wasn't sure at first how he felt. Thought it might be more fatherly or brotherly. Not sure any more.

'Didn't know him so I couldn't say. Reputation has it that he can escape from anywhere and no one could resist him, yet I find that very hard to believe since it was a female bounty hunter that brought him down.'

Remember rumours of the female bounty hunter that was in the Great Hunt. Took out the only other female competition on the first go. Most Mando'ad supported Tarro Blood. But rumours spread of his underhanded dealings. Couldn't support him when he didn't act with honour. And I was intrigued by the rumours of the woman who beat him at every turn. Woman who took out the highest and hardest targets. Was quick to volunteer myself as clan Cadera's representative at the ceremony when I heard she had won. Wanted to see the first woman to win a Great Hunt.

Knew I wasn't supposed to stare. Couldn't help it. Couldn't take my eyes off her the first moment I saw her. She looked so beautiful and strong. Could tell she was different. Remember her sneer at the Mando'ad around her and her derisive amusement in the ceremony. Way she looked at the Hunt Master as if she as imagining him bleeding on the floor.

Heart stopped when she looked at me. Eye seemed to pierce something in me and all I could do was stare solemnly back. She nodded her head to me as if understanding something. Could only bow my head back. Looked up to catch sight of her face as she turned and the fear I saw made me intrigued.

First time I saw the Devaronian as well. Was aware of him watching me with amusement as I stared after her. Hated him from the first moment I saw him. Noticed the way he looked a little uneasy to be surrounded by armed Mando'ad and how his eyes constantly looked for exits. Didn't need to see more to know he was a worthless ge'hutuun.

'Maybe that bounty hunter was a little different and a little more persistent then most.' Interesting to see Gault this serious. Only seen glimpses. Strange to think there's something human underneath. Only wish the human feelings weren't directed at my Cyare.

She laughs and jokes along. Happy to see her smile. Hasn't stopped since last night. I couldn't sleep for a long time. Just kept smiling a little when I thought of finally having her. Never get tired of hearing her say she loves me. I should be the one saying I don't deserve her.

'You can say what you think of the Devaronian you have in your possession now if you want. I'm not sure he'd want to leave such a beautiful woman though and feel heartbroken if he knew you were thinking of selling him.' Usually hate seeing Gault's superficial advances. But now when he seems so serious and intent only to be flicked aside carelessly, I feel a fierce glee amongst the hatred and anger.

'Not if he was getting a share of the profits,' she retorts. 'And I'd be more than happy to get him off my hands.' She jumps down from the rail she perched on and walks into our room, closing the door. She didn't turn to look back at the Devaronian.

Soon as she's gone any soft feelings disappear. Feel freed from a spell that kept me there and tranquil. Seems the same happens to Gault because as soon as the door closes, he turns to me and grins. And then I know he knew I was there for the whole thing.

He fakes surprises and pleasure at seeing me. Hate the sardonic act. 'Oh, my favourite Mandalorian. How are you? How was trekking the wilds of Voss with our mighty Captain?' Hate the way he talks about her when she isn't around, sarcasm that laces his voice. Makes me forget he really does care about her. And it makes me want to kill him.

Stand in front of Gault and frown down at him, wondering whether to ignore him and go into our room or talk to him. He quickly makes the choice easy. 'I'm so sorry, arue'tal, I must be in your way.'

Shove Gault against the wall and advance on him, holding him off the ground by his collar. 'Most people greet each other with a handshake or a kiss, though to be honest, I prefer you strangling me to the later.'

'Feelings mutual,' I say quietly. Gault struggles a little but gives up and settles for another mocking grin. 'Over heard the little conversation you just had with her, Lokai. Thought I told you back on Nar Shaddaa last month to keep your thoughts and hands to yourself.'

Gault insisted on drinking with Cyare after the first time she had to bail him out. Suggestion involved a night ending with more than a drink. Didn't like the way he moved his arm around her waist and pulled her close. Was glad she felt the same. Passer bys didn't even turn a head as she had him on the floor. Made a few alterations to his suggestions. Only stood on his crouch and left him there. Wish she'd done more. Had a small conversation with him on it when we got back to the ship. No agreement was found.

'And I thought I told you I'll stay and do what I want as long as she wants me. Didn't hear a no just then, did you, kid?' I growl and push him against the wall. Horns make a clang against the steel and he murmurs an 'ow'. Only do it because I know how right he is. She didn't. She never has.

Glare at him and wish so bad I could kill him. Devaronian's face moves to a frown and looks at me with something close to anger. Never seen him angry now I think about it. 'I thought I told you not to hurt her, Mandalorian.'

Can only force his head into the wall again at the insult. Don't think he could of said anything that could hurt more. Hit a cord. What made it worse was that wasn't even why he was doing it. Shove him away in disgust of what he makes me. Guess I'm coming closer to how she feels.

'Didn't hurt her, Devaronian. Not like you. I would never hurt the woman I love.' Heard him in the past week talking to someone about a woman. Heard enough to know he abandoned her some time back and is now looking for her. Wouldn't expect any more from such a chakaar.

'Ooo, you're going to cut someone with that tongue if you're not careful, arue'tal. Or maybe you have already and that's why she doesn't seem like the same person that left the ship a week ago all smiles and ease or like the gorgeous, crazy thing I met on Tatooine.'

Hate the suggestion I would ever say anything that would hurt her. Don't think it would even be in my power to hurt her. Didn't think she seemed any different to me. Seemed just as kandosii. Unnerves me to think the hut'uunla knows her better than me.

'Why do you care, Lokai?'

Enjoy seeing him at a loss for words. Like the way his face freezes. Not sure I want to hear the answer though. Don't know what victory I can get from it. Think his momentary silence is the best victory I could get.

'I think you're confused, kid, because my name isn't Lokai - it's Gault.' Sneer at his attempt to brush the question away. Feel my question hit close to home.

'Do you love her, Devaronian?' Gault laughs but it's far from a happy thing. Feel like though he wants to mock me, he's only duraanir himself.

Don't know why I continue but I do. Don't know why I want a confession from him so bad. 'Seen how you look at her when she isn't looking. Seen the way you wrapped blankets around her when she was sleeping. Seen the way you pretend to not care and disobey but go and follow her orders when no one is looking. Seen how when you fight with her, you're quick to cover her and protect her. Seen how you try to impress her.'

Clench my fists at the memories. Want to hit him again but I know that will only be a victory for him. Know he'll see how much I hate them. Hate competition. Guess I'm scared I can never measure up to another. And I or'parguur the way he disrespects her. But what I hate more, is when he looks at her like she is the most incredible and impossible thing he has ever seen and all he wants to do is touch her. Know the feeling and look too well to mistake it. Exactly what I feel whenever I look at her.

'You see a lot for someone pretty blind, Mandalorian.' Hate the derision in his voice.

'You're one to talk. She doesn't like you, Gault. Never will. Told me herself.' Can't help but let the victory into my voice and the pride. Guess I'm really reassuring myself. Don't think Gault notices that though. Glad he doesn't. Know how he'd use the insight.

But Gault laughs. 'You know, victorious Mandalorian, you have hurt her: you just couldn't see it because you were off playing the brave soldier. Do you want to know what she was like after you walked out?'

Clear the distance between us quickly and smash him against the wall again. He seems to always know where to hit. And I hate it. He knows it hurts and grins at me with duraanir.

'Didn't walk out. Came back for her.' Remember too late how he walked out on her back on Hoth. Wonder if it was as hard for him as it was for me. Leaving her was always the hardest thing to do. But I thought she understood. And I came back. Isn't that what matters?

'Do you think that makes a difference, kid? You left, arue'tal, and you seem blind to the fact that when you left, you took the best part of her with you. In those weeks, when she wasn't slaughtering everything in sight, she trained for hours or locked herself in her room doing god knows what. Except for the nights when being alone was too much and you know who she went to for comfort? She came to good old Uncle Gault.'

Shake my head and my body follows. She never told me she spent any time with him. Guess she didn't have to. Should have known. Tighten my grip on Gault's throat and think about killing him. Want to kill him more than I wanted to kill Jicoln. Sight of him sickens me and makes me shake with a'den.

'I was the one who watched her work herself to near death. I was the one who watched her waste away as she starved herself. So don't think, kid, that you have never hurt her; don't think that you're the one protecting her.'

Devaronian knowing she wasn't eating proves he is watching her. Remember when I came back the first time, she looked thinner. Came back after Alderaan, she was so... fragile. Surprised when we went to bed to see her like that. All softness and fat was gone. Only had muscle and... whatever the rest was. Couldn't find another explanation than she hadn't eaten since I left. Couldn't help but feel I'd done it to her.

Let him go and refuse to let him see his words hit home. Want to say everything he says is jehaat. But I know that saying they are is also lie.

'Guess you'd know everything on failing to protect people, Lokai.' Low shot I wouldn't take with anyone else. But think any rules are thrown out with us. Nothing else to say and I walk away. But his voice quickly stops me.

'Ouch, Mandalorian, that one really hurt.' Gault's sarcasm showers me in something worse than dirt. 'Don't you wonder what is in those datapads she reads or the locked chest?' He takes a step closer and I clench my fists. 'Don't you wonder, little Mandalorian, what she thinks about and what she does behind closed doors? What she is doing right now?' He moves closer and every sense is attuned to his movements. 'Don't you wonder about what she clearly isn't telling you?' He moves to stand close behind me and I feel him lean against the steps rails. 'Don't you wonder what she really is?'

Want to know the answers. Want her to really have no secrets from me. But I won't push her. Don't care if she still has secrets. Just want to be by her side. Want to protect her no matter what. Finally have her and I'm not going to let a chakaaryc's words stop me from enjoying it.

'No.' Devaronian doesn't deserve more of an answer. Want the conversation to end with that.

'No? I find that hard to believe, arue'tal. Or maybe you're so busy watching me that you don't notice anything about her.'

I start to walk away again, heading for the cockpit for no other reason then it's where he isn't and the only place at the end of the corridor. Quickly stopped by his words again. 'Or maybe the brave, little Mandalorian is scared of what he might see.'

Don't know why that effected so bad. Not the worst Gault has ever said. But it still makes me spring to where he is and push him. He falls to the ground with the grace of someone used to it. Quick to pick him up and push him against the wall again.

''No' is because I trust her.' It's true. I do. Not the smartest thing in the world. Never thought there was rationality or brains in love though. Just know I'd trust her with my life despite my fears. Despite her almost killing me so many times. Thing about that is, it was only ever an almost. Guess that's what counts.

Know what she is. Seen it enough times. Know it's the thing that isn't going to rest until the General's legacy is wiped from the world. But I know she's also the woman that would burn the world to save me. Know she's also the woman that kisses me gently. Know she's the woman that likes flowers and watching the stars. Trust that in the end, it will always be the woman that wins. Even if it isn't, I will stay by her side forever.

Gault's snicker brings me back to now and I pres his head further into the wall. 'You know, if you keep getting so close to me like this every time we have these pleasant little chats, Cadera, I'm going to start thinking you have a little thing for me.'

Look at the dark crevasses in his ge'tal face and the sneering eyes and throw him as hard and as far as I can. Smashes against Cyare's door and I hope she somehow doesn't hear. Always seems to hear everything.

He stands warily and leans against the door with his usual smug, self confident air. Feel repulsed by him and like my hands are covered in Boma **** from touching him.

'If you trust her so much then, Torian, you won't mind if her and I go to a nice cantina tomorrow night on the Promenade and have a few drinks together in a dark, empty corner.'

Move fast to stand in front him and punch him across the jaw. Doesn't take the smug, leering expression from his face and I punch him again.

'Nice swing, Mandalorian. Did she teach you that?'

Smash his head against the door and don't care if she can hear us anymore. Feel a rush of exhilaration and self satisfaction as I see the purple blood left on the door.

'Touch her, hurt her or upset her in any way and I will make you pay, skanah.' Narrow my eyes and look into his.

'Pay? How much? I was thinking first base might be around eighty credits.' Refuse to let him get away talking about her like a common whore. Hate the perverted desire in his eyes no matter how fake it is. Won't stand for a chakaaryc to take her honour and belittle it.

Growl and punch his stomach with my free hand and feel a thrill at the gasp he lets out. Take his pulsing ge'tal neck in my hand and hold him as high as I can. Don't think about anything but how good it will feel to watch his life drain away.

He covers his gasp quickly with laughter. Seems incredulous as he stares into my eyes. But I can see a anger in them that doesn't seem to be directed at me. 'Do you really think, kid, that anything you could do would hurt more than anything she could do?' Bitterness in his voice doesn't register. Too far gone in my own a'den.

'No. But I'm willing to try, Lokai.' I squeeze tighter.

Mako's voice breaks my grip. He finds his feet quickly and I know this scene for him is well experienced.

'Seems what they say about Mandalorians is true. How does it go? Munit tome'tayl, skotah iisa?'

'This conversation isn't over, Lokai,' I whisper to him. 'Ne shab'rud'ni.'

'Oh, but my darling Mandalorian, it really is.' He says loudly and cheerfully back as Mako walks closer to stand at Cyare's door with us. 'Don't worry, I'll have her back before her curfew ends tomorrow night.'

Arm twitches as it wants to obey my desire to punch him again. Only scowl at him and walk away.

Talk to Blizz in the cargo hold and wait for her to come down. Don't pay attention to happy prattle and excitement to be with us again. Thoughts are with her and what's keeping her. Won't feel happy till I see her. Till I have her by my side. Till I let her know how much I need her. Nothing without her. She might make me a monster sometimes, but even that is more than what I am without her. Found something more important than being the perfect Mando'ad. I only hope that having one doesn't ever cost the other.





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MilaniGrey
11.20.2012 , 08:12 AM | #40
Wheeee, Torian. Om nom nom.
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