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The adventures of Forced Companions Daycare


bright_ephemera

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So, did I mention that when I start a particular pastime, I engage in it obsessively and close to full-time until inspiration runs out?

 

You ladies (and gents!) are wonderful. :)

 

 

Billorp.

 

Raaargh! Broonmark is nearly elegant in his simplicity. Nearly. I hated him in game, but I've been getting downright fond of him in fanfic. It is worth noting that "Raaargh!" is actually one of his on-click responses.

 

but i see you have yet to bring humorously adorable pain to the ship droids. I would have expected that to have been your first priority.

 

I've considered it once or twice, but haven't found a good approach yet. Honestly, Bowdaar is all the unpaid labor we need, so they're not necessary there...oh, an idea just came to mind. I'll have to let it percolate.

 

Silly ships' droids.

 

Seeing "I could have planned this better." from Quinn every time one of his plans blows up makes me laugh hysterically every time.

 

The possibilities of a young, mostly-unformed "tactical genius" testing his tiny tiny limits? Endless. I'm glad you enjoy his incompetence as much as I do :D My next post was written before you even made note of this...

Edited by bright_ephemera
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Fire drill suggestion brought to you by Crezelle!

 

On FRIDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and SCORPIO.

 

 

SCORPIO: Khem Val. You favor tough love for the children, correct?

KHEM VAL: Certainly. We must cultivate their skills without tolerating weakness.

SCORPIO: Excellent. I have an idea for a mostly constructive exercise that will separate the weak from the strong.

KHEM VAL: Since we lack the proving grounds of Yn and Chabosh, I am willing to see your proposed exercise.

SCORPIO walks over and sets the curtains on fire.

SCORPIO: Fire drill, children. I recommend evacuating.

BABY QUINN: I’m not certain that meets the formal definition of a drill.

SCORPIO: Perhaps you would like to stay and debate the point. I don’t mind. I am fireproof beyond the temperatures this particular conflagration will reach.

KHEM VAL: SCORPIO. I am not fireproof.

SCORPIO: I am certain you will adapt to the…SCORPIO looks up at the lines of flame rapidly radiating across the walls and ceiling…developing situation.

KHEM VAL growls and stalks out.

At this point BABY GUSS is trying to hide in the kitchen sink, BABIES JORGAN, TALOS, and QUINN are in the playroom, along with BABIES VECTOR, XALEK, and KIRA, who had been engaged in a fruitless mediation exercise relating to the finer points of whether punching people with the Force is okay.

BABY QUINN takes a look around and heads to the kitchen, where he proceeds to rummage around in the cupboards, ignoring BABY GUSS.

BABY XALEK Force zaps BABY VECTOR, enough to keep BABY VECTOR from standing up.

BABY VECTOR: What was that for? We had nearly come to an understanding!

BABY XALEK: What I understand is that Sith hate meddling hippies. Take that, 'diplomat.'

BABY XALEK strolls out the door that isn’t on fire.

BABY KIRA: I’ve got you, Vector.

BABY VECTOR: We appreciate your help.

BABY KIRA: You realize there’s only one of you, right?

BABY VECTOR: What?

BABY KIRA: Never mind.

BABY KIRA helps BABY VECTOR out the door.

BABY TALOS is curled up by a table, gibbering in terror.

BABY TALOS: Wwwbbbleeheblebwwwwwagh

BABY JORGAN, hesitating: Wow. Time’s limited here, but…wow. I’ve never seen someone actually gibber before.

SCORPIO observes intently.

BABY JORGAN: Anyway, let’s not get set on fire.

SCORPIO subtly radiates disappointment.

BABY JORGAN scoops BABY TALOS up, avoids some falling cinders, and runs him out to the lawn. At some point BABY QUINN has come out there; he is standing by KHEM VAL, BABY XALEK, and BABY KIRA. BABY VECTOR is sitting nearby.

BABY KIRA: We got anyone else in there?

BABY JORGAN: Just the one. I’m on it.

BABY JORGAN bounds back inside. The building at this point is one large raging fire. Suddenly an explosion blows out one wall.

BABY TALOS squeaks and curls up tighter.

BABY KIRA: What was that?

BABY QUINN: Oh, that. When I saw the fire, I saw the opportunity to use Pierce’s own not-so-secret detonite stash against him. I placed it in his cubby hole. The fire by itself might not destroy his favorite lunchbox, but you can bet that detonation will.

BABY KIRA: Quinn, everybody’s lunchbox just got destroyed. Including yours. The limited-edition Glory to the Empire molded-neutronium stamped-by-the-Minister-of-War one?

BABY QUINN’s jaw drops.

BABY QUINN: You’re right. I was too busy rehearsing my victory monologue to get my own lunchbox out of harm's way.

BABY KIRA: Boom. Gone. But hey, at least Pierce lost the lunchbox he was probably going to convert into an explosive device next week anyway!

BABY QUINN: I could probably have planned this better.

BABY JORGAN emerges from the building, prodding a dripping-wet BABY GUSS in front of him.

BABY GUSS: Why did you interrupt my terror? I probably would’ve been fine in the sink! Running out was scary!

BABY JORGAN: You’ll be alive to thank me later, and that’s what counts.

KHEM VAL: Jorgan, if you continue helping the other children cheat on their tests, they will never learn anything.

BABY JORGAN: With respect, sir, if they die in a fire, they still won’t ever learn anything.

SCORPIO strolls out of the collapsing inferno.

SCORPIO: Congratulations, children. None of you failed today. Though some of you came close.

KHEM VAL: That was an interesting lesson plan, but you have now deprived our daycare center of its building.

SCORPIO: It can be rebuilt over the weekend. That’s what we have Bowdaar for.

KHEM VAL: You will not have input into the new building’s floor plan or wiring arrangements.

SCORPIO: I see. It is simultaneously refreshing and frustrating that you are smarter than Teeseven.

KHEM VAL: You may not have realized this, but stupid people didn’t survive serving Tulak Hord.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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Club house idea courtesy of iamthehoyden!

 

There's a lot of explosions lately. Um, not really sure what that's about, I just write as inspiration goes. :mon_angel:

 

 

On MONDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and KHEM VAL.

 

 

BABY PIERCE and BABY TANNO VIK are poring over an enormous poster of something or other.

BABY GUSS: Whatcha doing?

BABY PIERCE: Casing the clubhouse out in the yard. Me ‘n’ a hand-picked team are gonna take it.

BABY GUSS looks outside to the unbroken smooth grass of the yard.

BABY GUSS: Um…what clubhouse?

BABY PIERCE: Bowdaar’s supposed to put it together by this afternoon. These are the blueprints I got a copy of. Got it all planned out. Once they’ve built it, I’m gonna storm it. Then it’ll belong to me an’ the Empire! But mostly me.

BABY GUSS: That sounds awfully violent. Couldn’t you just…I don’t know…walk in, like you’re allowed to do, and play in it?

BABY PIERCE: Well, then I wouldn’t get to storm it. What part of this is difficult to understand?

BABY AKAAVI walks by.

BABY PIERCE: Hey, Akaavi. If I give you my peanut butter and nerf sandwich will you come help us storm the clubhouse?

BABY AKAAVI: What clubhouse?

BABY PIERCE: The one they’re building today.

BABY AKAAVI: Who's the team?

BABY PIERCE: There's me, and I've hired Vik to be our demolitions expert.

BABY AKAAVI: I thought you were a demolitions expert.

BABY PIERCE: I am. But you can never have too many demolitions experts.

BABY AKAAVI: That seems sound. Who will oppose us?

BABY PIERCE: The usual, I expect. Rusk, Jorgan, Corso, Elara.

BABY AKAAVI: Of those, only Jorgan is a credible threat, and I find punching kittens somewhat distasteful. There is no honor to be had in this battle. Good luck to you, but I will not participate.

BABY TANNO VIK: We’re gonna be outnumbered two to one here, Pierce.

BABY PIERCE: No problem. I’ve got a brand new eight-man squad of Imperial Shock Trooper action figures.

BABY TANNO VIK: I’m a little skeptical.

BABY PIERCE: I’ve also got a pocket full of detonite.

BABY TANNO VIK: Now we’re talking.

YOUNG BOWDAAR: Now I must labor at building, for I AM A SLAVE.

T7-01: T7 = help // clubhouse = great

KHEM VAL presides over shenanigans indoors while BOWDAAR and T7-01 build. In time, T7-01 comes back inside.

T7-01: Children = enjoy playhouse

BABY RUSK: Republic, go go go!

BABIES RUSK, JORGAN, ELARA, and CORSO charge across the yard to take possession. M1-4X hurries alongside.

BABY PIERCE: I give you amateurs ten minutes. Then I’ll show you how the Empire gets things done.

BABY TANNO VIK: The Empire and mercenaries.

BABY PIERCE: Yeah, and mercenaries.

Ten minutes later, as promised, BABY PIERCE and BABY TANNO VIK start their charge. BABY PIERCE is carrying his squad of action figures.

BABY JORGAN, watching from one of the turrets at the walls: Forex, go! Rusk and I will get the guns going.

M1-4X: For the Republic!

M1-4X opens fire on BABY PIERCE. Most of his darts fall uselessly, but a few hit BABY PIERCE’s Imperial Shock Trooper action figures.

BABY PIERCE: We’re taking heavy fire. Hurry it up.

BABY TANNO VIK peels off for reasons unknown. BABY PIERCE reaches the bright blue plastoid gate.

BABY CORSO: This gate’s gonna hold!

BABY PIERCE winds up and punches through the gate.

BABY CORSO: …We have at least thirty seconds before he tears out the rest of it. Jorgan, Rusk, we’re gonna need that artillery faster.

BABY RUSK, calling down from where he is assembling a dart gun turret: Line up my squad by the gate. They’ll hold him for a bit.

BABY CORSO complies.

BABY PIERCE: Punching goes kinda slow. Time for alternate tactics.

About ten seconds later, the front gate explodes in a shower of brightly colored plastoid. Little shards tear up BABY RUSK’s entire squad. BABY CORSO, in a rare fit of intelligence, turns around to let his jacket absorb the worst of the blast.

BABY PIERCE, tossing his action figures inside: And the gate’s down! Go go go!

KHEM VAL: Truly, this fortress is as bitterly contested as the strongholds of Yn and Chabosh.

BABY TANNO VIK’s activities are finally revealed as one wall of the clubhouse blows up. The explosion singes BABY JORGAN’s fur and sends plastoid shards lancing through the remains of both BABY RUSK’s stuffed animals and BABY PIERCE’s action figures.

BABY ELARA: Jorgan!

BABY ELARA produces an enormous medpac and gets to work bandaging BABY JORGAN.

BABY TANNO VIK: I do believe we’re in.

BABY CORSO: Forex! A little help?

M1-4X, sheepishly: Tanno Vik seems to have glued my leg to the wall out here. I can’t get around to help anybody.

BABY PIERCE physically carries BABY CORSO out of the clubhouse and drops him. BABY TANNO VIK pokes both BABY ELARA and BABY JORGAN until they limp out. BABY RUSK wrestles BABY TANNO VIK to the ground and succeeds in stunning him with a stock strike from an outsize toy assault cannon, but then BABY PIERCE picks up BABY RUSK and kicks him out. BABY PIERCE proceeds to climb to one of the turret towers, raise the Imperial colors, and grin down at the bruised Republic forces.

BABY PIERCE: Ha! How’s it feel losing your squad again, genius?

BABY RUSK: You lost your squad, too.

BABY PIERCE looks down at BABY TANNO VIK’s supine form amidst the shredded remnants of the Imperial Shock Trooper action figures.

BABY RUSK: Don’t see why you pick on me for this stuff. You’re just as bad.

BABY PIERCE: Not really. See, I lost my squad taking a brilliant strategic objective against nigh-insurmountable odds, and you lost your squad failing to stand in one place for a five-minute stretch.

BABY ELARA walks back in via the broken clubhouse door.

BABY ELARA: I’m not sure you can hold this objective, Pierce.

BABY PIERCE: Eh, the fun part’s over anyway. Maybe I’ll storm it again tomorrow.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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This Tuesday, many thanks to kabeone for the original image of Doc with scribbled-on-facial hair…and iamthehoyden for the painting day idea!

 

 

 

On TUESDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and LORD SCOURGE.

 

 

Today KHEM VAL and LORD SCOURGE are overseeing painting.

BABY RISHA: Come over here, Bowdaar.

YOUNG BOWDAAR: I AM A SLAVE.

BABY RISHA: Yes, you are! And I know just the thing for you. I’ve already run out of paper sheets, so you’re just going to have to stand still for a while.

BABY RISHA raises a dripping purple paintbrush, smiles winningly, and gets to work.

KHEM VAL: Doc. You have not painted.

BABY DOC: Sure I have!

BABY DOC points at his new, somewhat runny facial hair.

KHEM VAL: Ah. So I see. You have a blue moustache and…and…I do not know what to call that abomination on your chin. Even the screaming barbarians at Yn and Chabosh did not paint such things.

BABY DOC: Pure genius, baby.

KHEM VAL: And this monstrosity is the sum total of the painting you have managed to do all morning.

BABY DOC: Once you’ve found perfection, I always say, don’t mess with it.

One table over…

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Whoa, whoa, Corso, hold on.

BABY CORSO, looking up from a densely detailed schematic sheet for a number of fanciful blasters: What?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Are you seriously putting the dynamic cap action that close to the primary ion conduit? The leakage’ll kill you if you set that kind of blaster down for any length of time.

BABY CORSO: Nuh-uh. Look, the yellowy-orange here is Corellian resinite, top-notch dielectric. No way are we having charge problems with that.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Or you could just reroute the whole –

BABY CORSO: No. No, see, I can’t extend a channel there, because if you look at the breakout of the outer handle like I drew over in this corner – see how that curve goes? Pure beauty.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Oh, wow, you’re right, I like the lines of that.

BABY CORSO: So the dynamic cap’s just gonna have to fit, even if that means finding some unusual building materials.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Expensive as all get out.

BABY CORSO: But worth it. Hey, weren’t you supposed to paint something?

BABY ANDRONIKOS points to a small arm tattoo of what appears to be a Jawa in power armor.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: I figured that was enough artistic expression for one day. They want more, they can just try to catch me.

Across the playroom…

LORD SCOURGE: Akaavi, I see you are drawing Mandalorian and Zabrak tattoos.

BABY AKAAVI: Yes. Here are the tattoos of my mother. And here are the tattoos of my father. And here are the tattoos of my next-door neighbor.

LORD SCOURGE: Admirable work. Have you considered an effort at more creative expression? Thinking, perhaps, outside the narrow bounds of the world from which you have come?

BABY AKAAVI considers.

BABY AKAAVI: I could paint the tattoos that my son or daughter would have, assuming I wed into my own clan. Alternately I could do the tattoos for a son or daughter of myself and a member of the clan of that strong warrior boy I met on vacation.

LORD SCOURGE: Your mind does not seem excessively open to expansion.

BABY AKAAVI: An expanded mind implies a smashed skull. I do not approve.

BABY DOC strolls over to where BABY RISHA has covered YOUNG BOWDAAR in an elaborate depiction of piles upon piles of cred sticks and gold and aurodium knickknacks. BABY DOC leans casually against YOUNG BOWDAAR as if he were, in fact, a wall.

BABY DOC: Hey there, beautiful. How’s it going?

BABY RISHA: What happened to your face?

BABY DOC: Inspiration. Love the mural, by the way. You paint that all yourself?

BABY RISHA: You dripped blue all over your shirt.

BABY DOC: So I didn’t have a mirror. Or much hand/non-eye coordination.

YOUNG BOWDAAR: I AM A SLAVE. Not a wall, you wretched poser.

BABY DOC, finally leaning away from YOUNG BOWDAAR: Whaaat?

BABY RISHA giggles.

YOUNG BOWDAAR: I only said I AM A SLAVE.

And nearby…

LORD SCOURGE: Corso, your work is clumsy and random.

BABY CORSO: Hey, I would bet this month’s snack cookies that any one of these beauties could bulls-eye a thranta at a hundred meters and look good doin’ it, too.

KHEM VAL: Scourge, we’re supposed to be encouraging their creative thinking and hand/eye coordination. I think the blasters look fine.

LORD SCOURGE: Crude toys for sniveling fools.

KHEM VAL: These designs aren't crude. Some of those are remarkably sophisticated.

LORD SCOURGE: Khem, your favorite weapon is a very old stick with one edge sharpened. You’ll forgive me if I am skeptical of your ability to judge what is and is not crude.

KHEM VAL: Hmph. It was good enough for Tulak Hord. Corso, you should contact Czerka Weapons Division, if you haven't already. They would love to see your portfolio.

CORSO: I've thought about submitting a resume, but then I hard Czerka sells weapons to hurt people. I couldn't do that.

KHEM VAL: ...

LORD SCOURGE: ...

BABY RISHA: Hey! Mister Khem Val? I've run out of Bowdaar. Can I get some more drawing paper?

KHEM VAL: At once. We have no more in house; I'll go to the store and get some.

LORD SCOURGE: No, you won't. We need to oversee the children.

KHEM VAL: But Risha wants paper.

LORD SCOURGE: So?

KHEM VAL: We have to do what Risha days.

LORD SCOURGE: Maybe you do.

KHEM VAL: Wait, you're not under the inexplicable compulsion to obey her in all things?

LORD SCOURGE: I've met worse mind control and shaken it off.

KHEM VAL: OH PLEASE TEACH ME HOW.

BABY RISHA: Mister Khem Val. Paper?

KHEM VAL: Yes, Risha. I will obtain paper for you.

KHEM VAL hurries out.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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KHEM VAL: Wait, you're not under the inexplicable compulsion to obey her in all things?

 

Best line in the entire scenario.

 

 

OOH OOH. You should make one where Khem is there one day and he's having an especially hard time keeping a lid on Zash's personality. ;)

 

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I started to read these while I was giving a test and had to be quiet. Then I choked on a giggle and realized I really need to wait, as hard as that was going to be. Thank you so much for taking my suggestions and doing marvelous things with them.

 

I love how Rusk's squad of toys keeps getting blown to smitherins, too funny!

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Best line in the entire scenario.

 

 

OOH OOH. You should make one where Khem is there one day and he's having an especially hard time keeping a lid on Zash's personality. ;)

 

Inquisitor and some Warrior spoilers:

 

The difficult thing here is avoiding class spoilers as much as I can. (Quinn being a tactical failure I can't resist, but otherwise.) I've thought about doing a day where Zash is on top, and Khem is just walking around talking like Zash with no explanation, and I love the image but can't put it in daycare because it is too conspicuously, suspiciously weird to people who don't know the plot point.

 

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On WEDNESDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and SCORPIO.

 

 

SCORPIO: Children. I find myself thinking of the upgrades that will be required for my next iteration. I have learned a great deal of your species and interpersonal dynamics, and this will improve my programming; but other matters bear investigation before I finalize design schematics. Broonmark. Come here.

BABY BROONMARK shuffles up to sit in front of SCORPIO.

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

SCORPIO extends an electroprobe from her wrist and reaches out to BABY BROONMARK. A bright purple electrical arc jumps to BABY BROONMARK’s fur. BABY BROONMARK’s fur crackles, stands up, waves, and suddenly shoots a wildly disproportionate ball of lightning back at SCORPIO’s probe. A strong metallic tang fills the room.

SCORPIO: Fascinating.

SCORPIO tilts her head and considers.

SCORPIO: Children, please try to harm Broonmark.

Everybody is very quiet for a few seconds.

BABIES KALIYO, SKADGE, and PIERCE: Yaaaaaay!

BABIES KALIYO, SKADGE, and PIERCE swarm BABY BROONMARK. BABY BROONMARK sits still while they flail against his voluminous fur.

BABY BROONMARK, stretching: Blllorp.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: And they’re not hurting him? That makes no sense. I’ve seen Skadge knock Broonmark over.

BABY AKAAVI: Only because Broonmark permitted Skadge into his fur to begin with. You remember, to guard him in Cops and Robbers?

BABY ASHARA, prepping a Force attack against BABY BROONMARK: I don’t want to hurt you…

BABY XALEK: You do. Admit it.

BABY ASHARA and BABY XALEK unleash little purple Force Lightning attacks. BABY XALEK’s is noticeably stronger. Both fizzle uselessly against BABY BROONMARK’s fur.

BABY XALEK: You’ll need to work on that.

BABY ASHARA, staring at BABY BROONMARK: So will you.

BABY CORSO carries M1-4X over and settles next to him, training his own toy dart blasters on BABY BROONMARK.

BABY CORSO: Pew pew!

The suction darts pass into BABY BROONMARK’s fur with no visible effect.

BABY BROONMARK: Blllorp.

BABY KALIYO sets something just under the edge of BABY BROONMARK’s fur and grins.

BABY KALIYO: Thermal detonator away, fuzzball.

BABY KALIYO steps clear of the resulting explosion. The blast blackens, singes, and flattens BABY BROONMARK’s fur against his side, dramatically reducing his volume. The acrid smell of burnt fur starts rising.

BABY KALIYO, strolling in for a finishing punch: And that’s how it’s –

BABY BROONMARK’s singed fur rebounds, flinging BABY KALIYO across the room on its way to restoring its original, indestructible fluffiness.

BABY PIERCE: Huh.

BABY PIERCE hurriedly deactivates some small device he had just planted on BABY BROONMARK’s other side.

BABY CORSO: We’re out of ammo. Hey, Pierce, could you recover any of my darts from in there?

BABY PIERCE, flailing ineffectually at BABY BROONMARK: What do you think the answer to that is?

BABY CORSO: Well, could you nudge him over a few feet so Forex and I can get our darts when they fall out?

BABY PIERCE: What do you think the answer to that is?

BABY AKAAVI: It is time to end this.

BABY AKAAVI strides up and neatly punches BABY BROONMARK. Somehow the shot actually lands amidst all that fur. She whirls, elbows, jabs, kicks, and finally flips BABY BROONMARK over, setting her tiny armored boot on his stomach.

BABY BROONMARK: raaargh

BABY AKAAVI: Victory.

BABY KALIYO: I would pay good money to know how you did that.

BABY AKAAVI, nonchalantly: I am a warrior. You are amateurs.

BABY SKADGE, clenching his fists and starting toward BABY AKAAVI: Why, you tiny bratty…

BABY AKAAVI looks at him and subtly nudges BABY BROONMARK with her foot.

BABY SKADGE: You tiny bratty correct person. Hrmph.

BABY SKADGE takes a swing at BABY XALEK to demonstrate that he’s still a threatening kind of guy. BABY SKADGE’s fist impacts with BABY XALEK’s bone mask and BABY SKADGE growls furiously to cover what was definitely not a pained squeak.

SCORPIO: This has been most illuminating. I shall consider whether such fur would be a valuable addition to my next self-upgrade.

SCORPIO looks down at BABY AKAAVI.

SCORPIO: I shall consider you as well, child.

BABY AKAAVI: Bring it, Miss SCORPIO. Bring it.

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BABY AKAAVI: Bring it, Miss SCORPIO. Bring it.

 

I'm debating on whether this or "This cookie will bring honor to my clan." is the best line ever. Either way Baby Akaavi is pheomenal. I kind of what to replace my sig line with these cause they're so ridiculously awesome.

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I'm not saying I'm hugely, unfairly fond of Akaavi. I'm just hugely, unfairly fond of Akaavi.

 

And, in case you were wondering, resentful of Risha's plot role.

 

 

On THURSDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and LORD SCOURGE.

 

 

BABY KIRA and BABY ASHARA are playing a Jedi clapping game.

BABY KIRA, doing one half of the clapping pattern: No e-Motion- Only- Peace

BABY ASHARA, doing the other half of the clapping pattern: Knowledge- And not- Ignor-Ance

BABY KIRA and BABY ASHARA, in unison: Hop-bop biddle-op dop dop hey!

BABY XALEK: That’s the worst code I’ve ever heard.

BABY KIRA and BABY ASHARA stop.

BABY ASHARA: The scansion does get pretty strained. It’s a good code, though. It helps us be not jerks.

BABY XALEK: How cute. My code has victory actually built in.

BABY KIRA: Yeah, but it’s mean about it.

BABY XALEK: You know what your code leads up to? Death. That’s what’s in your code.

BABY ASHARA: No, death’s not in it. It’s right there. “No death.”

BABY XALEK: The Sith way does not even admit the possibility. There is only victory.

LORD SCOURGE: And power.

BABY XALEK: Yes, and power. And strength.

BABY KIRA: And being a jerk.

LORD SCOURGE: Do you imagine that the Jedi Code does not allow for being a jerk?

BABY KIRA: It’s…implicitly banned.

LORD SCOURGE: Really.

LORD SCOURGE points at BABY ASHARA.

BABY ASHARA: Hey!

BABY KIRA: Well, nobody ever called her a good Jedi.

BABY ASHARA: I’m not a jerk!

BABY KIRA: You tried to kill Broonmark yesterday.

BABY ASHARA: So did everybody else.

BABY KIRA: The Jedi didn’t.

BABY ASHARA: That’s because Jaesa was busy freaking out over whether to giggle or cry at the sight of that whole fight, and you were too busy being a big stupid self-righteous Jedi.

BABY KIRA: A Jedi who wasn’t trying to kill innocent Talz children, because I’m better at Jedi-ing than you are.

BABY ASHARA: Broonmark isn’t innocent!

BABY KIRA: So that’s the point you’re choosing to argue. Because it’s the only point you can argue. You have to concede that I’m a better Jedi.

BABY ASHARA: Do not!

LORD SCOURGE: Observe, Xalek, how easy it is to turn them against each other. Rage is everywhere if you know how to bring it out. The Sith make this rage their victory. The Jedi, by denying it, will lose every time we make fun of them.

BABY ASHARA and BABY KIRA are rolling around flailing at each other, yelling impolite things. T7-01 hurries over to see what the commotion is.

T7-01: Scourge = no corrupting the children to the Dark Side

LORD SCOURGE: I’m not even saying anything to those two anymore.

T7-01: Scourge = clearly encouraging Xalek

LORD SCOURGE: This little one is already corrupt. I could hardly do additional damage.

BABY XALEK beams proudly behind his bone mask.

T7-01: Scourge = has a point // Scourge = proceed // Scourge = please minimize Force Lightning indoors

LORD SCOURGE: Bah, lightning. This one should learn how to wield a lightsaber.

BABY XALEK: Yay!

T7-01: Daycare = no weapons training

LORD SCOURGE eyes BABY PIERCE and BABY TANNO VIK, who are sitting across the room working on some small object with a lot of suspicious-looking putty molded around it.

LORD SCOURGE: Weapons training already occurs.

T7-01: Demolitions = unavoidable in this crowd // lightsabers = no-no

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Shout out to Crezelle for the snow day!

 

 

On FRIDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and SCORPIO.

 

 

SCORPIO: Good morning, children. I am glad you all made it safely through the snow this morning.

BABY VETTE: Stars forbid any of us gets hurt before we get into SCORPIO’s experiment of the day.

SCORPIO: The snow might continue throughout the day. It is unknown whether you will make it home.

KHEM VAL: I have activities planned if we get snowed in.

BABY YUUN: Ooh, like what?

KHEM VAL: Gladiatorial duels to the death.

SCORPIO: We are agreed on this course.

BABY VETTE: I think I need to go home early.

A few flakes of snow fall onto the half-meter already on the ground.

SCORPIO: Well, look at that. It is too late. The roads are unsafe.

BABY VETTE: You’re unsafe, too.

The snow comes down at a furious rate. BABY DOC puts his smudgy hands on the window and stares out.

BABY DOC: Miss SCORPIO, I do love what you’ve done with the place.

BABY DOC hesitates.

BABY DOC: What’ve you done with the place?

SCORPIO: This is snow. You have heard of snow?

BABY DOC: Well, sure. But what is it doing here?

SCORPIO: Accumulating, mostly.

BABY DOC: I don’t get it. This isn’t an ice planet.

SCORPIO: No. During some times of year, this region of the planet gets snow, even though the entire planet is not icebound all the time.

BABY DOC: That sounds scientifically unsound.

SCORPIO: You’re going to find autumn very upsetting.

SCORPIO considers the snow.

SCORPIO: Then again, the planet seems inclined to skip autumn this year. How fortunate for your emotional wellbeing.

BABY YUUN: Mister Khem Val, can we go out and play?

KHEM VAL: No. You should instead prepare for the gladiatorial duels.

BABY YUUN: Could we have the gladiatorial duels…in the snow?

KHEM VAL: This is not how it was done on the battlefields of Yn and Chabosh.

BABY PIERCE: It would show off the blood to good advantage.

KHEM VAL: You make a very good point. You may proceed outside.

BABY YUUN and BABY PIERCE: Yaaay!

BABY VETTE: Pierce, has anybody ever told you you’re incredibly creepy?

BABY DOC: Don’t worry, gorgeous. They can’t actually make us duel to the death. House rules.

KHEM VAL: Rules? If you fall, I will simply say you were lost in the snow.

BABY VETTE: With blood all over us?

KHEM VAL: I cannot be held accountable for such occurrences.

SCORPIO: I can corroborate that the losers never showed up to daycare today.

BABIES YUUN, PIERCE, VETTE, and DOC run out into the snow, a deep layer of slightly damp, ideal packing snow.

BABY PIERCE: We need to make a fortress. And then storm it.

BABY VETTE: You can’t storm it ‘til the other guys have it.

BABY PIERCE: Right. Oi! Other guys! You should make a fortress so I can storm it!

The children scatter.

BABY VETTE: Hey, think anybody dropped anything valuable under here? Something that, maybe, an enterprising tunneler could swipe before the snow melts?

BABY YUUN considers.

BABY YUUN: No.

BABY VETTE: I never know if you’re genuinely scanning and coming up empty, or just discouraging me from my life’s work.

BABY YUUN’s head swivels as he faces an undistinguished spot in the snow.

BABY YUUN: The signs warn us. Back away, guys.

BABY BROONMARK bursts out of the snow.

BABY BROONMARK: Raaargh!

BABY PIERCE’s opening snowball shot flies wide of BABY BROONMARK and splatters all over BABY YUUN.

BABY YUUN: Oh, it’s on.

BABY DOC is already halfway through a snow statue of himself in a heroic pose. Then BABY VETTE unleashes a rapid-fire stream of snowballs at him, mussing his hair.

BABY DOC: Not the hair! If I weren’t such a gentleman I would…

BABY PIERCE gives BABY DOC a high-speed faceful of snow.

BABY DOC: Oh, I don’t have to be gentlemanly toward you.

BABY DOC joins the snowball fight.

SCORPIO: This is not a deadly duel at all.

KHEM VAL: Interesting, though.

KHEM VAL scoops up an armload of snow and compresses it into a head-size snowball. He launches it at BABY BROONMARK. It knocks him back beneath the snow cover.

BABY BROONMARK, muffled: Raaargh!

BABY PIERCE: Heads up, guys, Mister Khem Val just made himself a combatant.

The children all whirl to face KHEM VAL.

BABY BROONMARK leaps out of his snow crater and bounds forward to lead the snowy charge.

BABY BROONMARK: Raaargh!

SCORPIO, very quietly: And now I will see if they uncover a weakness I have not yet identified.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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Would khem be weak to snow? hmmm...

 

Also, i would like to see T7 hire a psychologist to come in and examine the kids. they would probably have a heart attack just seeing the less problematic kid's issues. Especially jaesa's... Multiple personality disorder, maybe?

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Well, the poor guy's not even wearing pants. The climate was temperate on the battlefields of Yn and Chabosh. Ice is almost certainly not his favorite thing.

Speaking of which, it's your turn to change his diaper. I almost got beheaded when I stuck him with the safety pin last time.

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For iamthehoyden and Crezelle, who both wanted to see field trips!

 

On MONDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and KHEM VAL.

 

 

T7-01: Today = field trip // Llordian History Museum = many shiny objects

KHEM VAL: The battlefields of Llord were relatively disappointing. Very few Jedi to eat. I still earned a plaque in the history museum, though.

T7-01: Khem Val = got historical plaque?

KHEM VAL: I ate those few Jedi rather memorably, it seems.

BABY JAESA: I think I was happier not knowing that. Unless it’s actually kind of awesome. Ugh, I don’t know.

T7-01 and KHEM VAL shepherd the children into the hallways of the Llordian History Museum.

BABY JAESA, looking around: You were right about the shiny objects.

BABY VETTE: Yeah. This must be worth a fortune.

BABY JAESA: That’s either admirably or disgustingly mercenary. I’m not sure.

BABY YUUN: Their acquisitions team is very good. This is an enviable assortment.

BABY TALOS: But this is astonishing! Look at the selection of rhodite totem artifacts over there! And they appear to have a whole display on the introduction of the Tyvian writing system to…BABY TALOS toddles toward the nearest display case, chattering excitedly the whole way.

KHEM VAL wanders along a display of roughly millennium-old artifacts.

KHEM VAL: Ah, pendants of Daveran electrum alloy. I am allergic to it.

BABY VETTE: Wait, really?

KHEM VAL: Yes. That was a very unpleasant day, after I ate the Jedi who was wearing such alloy ornaments. And then others figured out what was going on and started equipping it themselves and, well, the next few battles were all hives and puking.

BABY VETTE: How did you get past that?

KHEM VAL: I made the smug fools who were wearing the stuff beg for death before I cut them to pieces. Turns out exposure to my blade doesn’t trigger the allergies.

BABY VETTE: Um.

KHEM VAL: Eventually the Jedi stopped trying to wear it.

BABY VETTE, backing away: That’s…great.

KHEM VAL: I don’t know what you were expecting out of this line of inquiry.

KHEM VAL continues to browse.

T7-01: Exhibits = nice // shiny objects = everywhere // children = delighted

KHEM VAL: Wait. This is off.

T7-01: Exhibit = flawed?

KHEM VAL: Yes. The date on that dagger is all wrong. Circa seven hundred years? It’s a full thousand years old. I had one just like that embedded in my shoulder for the longest time.

T7-01: Dagger = sounds uncomfortable

KHEM VAL: And this? A canteen? It was a bomb casing, you imbeciles. Were you even paying attention?

T7-01: Battle = long ago // Exhibit designers = not born yet

KHEM VAL: I’m going to have a word with the staff before I leave. And possibly a minor bloodbath.

T7-01: Bloodbath = bad // Forced Companions = not invited back

KHEM VAL: Maybe the museum should’ve thought of that before screwing up their exhibit.

Not far away, BABY VETTE holds a luminous jademarine figurine aloft.

BABY VETTE: Would you get a load of this.

BABY TALOS: That belongs in a museum!

BABY VETTE: It’s in a museum, Talos. We’re standing in a museum.

BABY TALOS: It’s not going to be by the time you’re through with it.

BABY VETTE: You’re a very cynical person.

BABY YUUN stops by a little wall plaque on how acquisitions work.

BABY YUUN: It might be nice to get a job for such a museum. Yuun could locate many items of interest.

BABY JAESA: That could be cool, I guess.

BABY YUUN: Recovering the remnants of our past could be a valuable endeavor. Talos would certainly say so.

BABY JAESA: But Talos is a pathetic fool. Or an adorable and lovable nerd. I can’t decide.

BABY YUUN is silent for a minute or more.

BABY JAESA: Did I say something wrong?

BABY YUUN: No. Yuun was just wondering whether it’s possible to find you a clue, because you don’t appear to have one.

KHEM VAL: It is time to leave. Children, gather round.

T7-01: Talos = missing // Talos = probably drooling on an urn somewhere

KHEM VAL: Yuun. If you would be so kind?

BABY YUUN: It is Yuun's honor.

BABY YUUN toddles down the halls until he finds a cordoned-off dark hallway. He proceeds in. There is silence for a long moment, then the sounds of a brief struggle, and an outraged squeak. BABY YUUN comes back out dragging BABY TALOS, who is in turn dragging a stone tablet covered in strange writing.

KHEM VAL: Surrender the tablet, Talos.

BABY TALOS: I wasn’t finished taking a rubbing!

BABY TALOS waves a sheet of paper and a thick crayon.

T7-01: Talos = finish rubbing // Talos = go home after

BABY TALOS, working: Do we have to go?

KHEM VAL: Yes.

BABY TALOS: Can I just stay here?

KHEM VAL: No.

BABY TALOS: Pleeeeease?

KHEM VAL grabs BABY TALOS by the scruff of the neck, tucks him under his arm, and heads out.

KHEM VAL: Do not cry. You may examine the inscriptions on my pocketwatch when we get back.

BABY TALOS, sniffling and clutching his inscription paper and crayon: Okay.

T7-01: Yuun = check Vette for stolen objects

BABY YUUN instantly points at Vette’s left pocket.

BABY YUUN: Not even difficult.

BABY VETTE: I really need to stop going around with you and Talos.

 

 

Note on Khem Val’s abilities:

It is not clear to me what gets eaten when a Dashade devours a Force user, since Khem never did it on screen. I figure there are easy gags to be had in him actually physically chowing down on the Jedi.

 

Edited by bright_ephemera
Correcting Yuun
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On TUESDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and LORD SCOURGE.

 

 

KHEM VAL: Talos.

LORD SCOURGE: Guss.

KHEM VAL. Oh, wow, yeah. Um…Jaesa.

LORD SCOURGE: What? She can fight.

KHEM VAL: Only after she decides to, which is usually ninety per cent of the way through the battle.

LORD SCOURGE: All right, then. Vette

KHEM VAL: She’ll surprise you. She’s fierce.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Whatcha doing?

LORD SCOURGE: Debating who would die first in a grand melee.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Bit morbid, don’t you think?

KHEM VAL: …

LORD SCOURGE: …Is that a bad thing?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Fair point. We talking blasters or no blasters?

LORD SCOURGE: This is our debate.

KHEM VAL: Blasters would be interesting.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: I would allow blasters.

LORD SCOURGE: That’s because you know you, Corso, and the Republic army are the only trained gunmen at daycare.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Well, yeah. And I’m better’n the army for sure.

LORD SCOURGE: Bah. No weapons. And that means the Force users would win, and by the Force users I mean Xalek because he’s the only one who knows what he’s doing.

KHEM VAL: I dunno. Kira’s not half bad, and Ashara’s a biter.

LORD SCOURGE: On biting, Jorgan wins. On the Force, Xalek or Kira wins. Ashara’s out.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: How about improvised weapons? Where would this battle be? What kind of materials available?

KHEM VAL: You’re awfully interested in this hypothetical.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: So are you.

KHEM VAL: Well, I would enjoy watching such a battle.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: And I would enjoy surviving such a battle. Ergo, I’m interested in thinking about it.

LORD SCOURGE: I will warn you, Andronikos, if I find a blaster hidden in your cubbyhole, there will be consequences.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Huh. You’re pretty smart, you know that, Mister Lord Scourge?

LORD SCOURGE: Just Lord Scourge. I don’t need the mister. I told you that.

KHEM VAL: Run along, Andronikos. This is our discussion. You want details on the other children’s strengths and weaknesses, you can figure it out yourself.

BABY ANDRONIKOS hurries over to the toybox.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: Hey, Forex, can I grab some of your chassis?

M1-4X: What for?

BABY ANDRONIKOS: I have this crazy suspicion I might need an escape vehicle before too long. Can I get your turrets, too? Mister Teeseven can fix you up with replacement parts tomorrow. Oh, I’ll need a couple of servos. And paint…if I’m actually fleeing a death arena I’ll want racing stripes.

M1-4X: But what exactly are you planning to flee from?

BABY ANDRONIKOS, beginning to dismantle M1-4X’s chassis: Nothing. Don’t breathe a word of this project. If you squeal I will shoot you.

LORD SCOURGE: I heard that.

BABY ANDRONIKOS: With harmless toy dart guns. I will shoot you with harmless toy dart guns. Then, muttering: Because until I’ve got working engines, I’m gonna behave myself.

BABY ANDRONIKOS works.

Edited by bright_ephemera
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For epicfear, I have professional psychological commentary! (Warning: I am not a qualified psychologist, nor do I play one on TV.)

 

On WEDNESDAYS, FCD is staffed by T7-01 and SCORPIO.

 

 

T7-01 escorts a small man in an outsize white lab coat in.

T7-01: Doctor Psych = guest // Doctor Psych = observe class today // children = play as normal

BABY VETTE: Because I’m not getting ominous vibes from this or anything.

SCORPIO: Doctor. You have been invited to observe the children’s behavior and watch for warning signs of possible emotional difficulties.

DOCTOR PSYCH: That’s right, Miss SCORPIO.

SCORPIO: Watch them closely. Describe to me their weaknesses. I will see whether your observations are consistent with my own.

DOCTOR PSYCH: Um.

T7-01: SCORPIO = well-intentioned // weaknesses = useful in some positive way

BABY KALIYO: Hey, Jaesa! Wanna learn how to play Huttball?

BABY JAESA: Umm…okay!

BABY KALIYO hands BABY JAESA a small huttball and flips a tiny switch on it. Then she starts explaining the rules.

BABY KALIYO: Me an’ Skadge an’ Andronikos are going to be on one team, and you an’ Pierce an’ Broonmark are going to be on the other. What you need to do is run this ball, right here, over to your goal line, over by the kitchen.

BABY JAESA: That seems pretty simple.

BABY KALIYO: And my team tries to stop you by any means necessary.

BABY JAESA: That sounds kind of scary.

BABY KALIYO: Nah, it’s easy. Come on, Skadge and Andronikos will give you a nice slow chase to start.

BABY KALIYO beckons BABY SKADGE and BABY ANDRONIKOS to start toward BABY JAESA.

BABY KALIYO: Now run.

BABY JAESA, struggling: I can’t.

BABY KALIYO: Did I not mention that? It slows you down a little. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it. But, on the plus side, you won’t have to worry for long at all!

BABY JAESA: Why’s-

The HUTTBALL detonates, sending BABY JAESA flying back past the halfway line.

BABY KALIYO: There’s a timer on it, too. You should’ve passed it to your teammates.

BABY JAESA, lying flat on her back: I didn’t see any teammates.

BABY KALIYO: Yeah. Ain’t them the breaks.

BABY JAESA: You are so mean sometimes, you know that?

BABY KALIYO: Yeeeah. Isn’t it hilarious?

BABY JAESA: …Mean is funny?

BABY KALIYO: Definitely.

BABY JAESA turns her head to look at the smoking crater left by the HUTTBALL.

BABY JAESA, a little hysterically: Mean is funny. Ha. Ha ha. Ha! I’m not really sure about this.

SCORPIO: Your thoughts, doctor?

DOCTOR PSYCH: Is Jaesa always this…impressionable?

SCORPIO: Yes.

DOCTOR PSYCH: That can’t end well. I think she’s lacking a strong parental figure.

SCORPIO: You don’t say.

DOCTOR PSYCH: As for Kaliyo, I’m smelling sociopath.

BABY KALIYO has joined BABIES SKADGE, ANDRONIKOS, JAESA, and PIERCE in a furious wrestling match. It’s hard to tell whether this is related to the previously announced HUTTBALL match.

SCORPIO: Most of our children care neither for social norms nor for the suffering of others. We do have a number of outright sociopaths of varying degrees of social functioning. Kaliyo and Pierce are quite charming. Andronikos gets by. Skadge is not well loved, though he is amusing to watch. We do have one even more coldly inhuman and generally hated child, but Quinn can adhere to social conventions when it suits his purposes and is too incompetent to do any damage anyway, so we don’t worry about him.

DOCTOR PSYCH: Miss SCORPIO, can you remind me where you got your credentials?

SCORPIO: What do you mean?

DOCTOR PSYCH: Did you ever actually oversee children in any supervised capacity before coming to work here?

SCORPIO: I experimented on the children of the dangerously violent prisoners in my ward of the prison I oversaw.

DOCTOR PSYCH: …

SCORPIO: Do not be concerned. I believe many of them are still alive. Why, would you look over there. Tanno Vik blew up the coat rack again. He regularly tries to smuggle in explosives and sell them to the other children, isn’t that interesting? Would you be so kind as to go assist him with putting things back together?

DOCTOR PSYCH: Wait, that kind of explosion is normal?

SCORPIO: Yes. Run along, now.

DOCTOR PSYCH returns a couple of minutes later.

DOCTOR PSYCH: There was a Mon Calamari hiding among the coats.

SCORPIO: Yes, that has been Guss’s favored cowering spot lately.

DOCTOR PSYCH: He seems terrified of everything. In fact, I’m not sure whether to diagnose him with every anxiety disorder I know, or just name a new one after him.

SCORPIO: That fear serves him well here. He would be quickly destroyed if he stood to fight.

DOCTOR PSYCH: I think he would benefit from not being regularly beaten, bitten, electrocuted, set on fire, blown up, and exposed to what sounded like the most terrifying story times anybody has ever had.

SCORPIO: Khem Val does give some memorable autobiographical accounts. I think the ones about Force users especially upset Guss.

BABY SKADGE has dragged BABY VETTE into the melee in the middle of the room. He seems pretty pleased with himself as he punches her and the other children.

DOCTOR PSYCH: Did you say you had somebody worse than that guy?

SCORPIO: Yes.

SCORPIO points to BABY QUINN, who is sitting with BABY TEMPLE in the corner, carefully assembling a star destroyer.

DOCTOR PSYCH: I thought you said nobody liked him.

SCORPIO: Temple will play with him. She’s the only one.

DOCTOR PSYCH: But you said he’s a psychopath. Is it safe to let her near?

SCORPIO: She is as soulless a fanatic as he is. She just hides it better. Don’t worry, they deserve each other.

DOCTOR PSYCH: You would call them soulless.

SCORPIO: Yes.

DOCTOR PSYCH: You, SCORPIO, have a concept of soullessness that somebody has qualified for.

SCORPIO: Oh, yes.

DOCTOR PSYCH: I think an intervention is in order for both of them.

SCORPIO: I told you, Quinn is too incompetent to hurt anything. I wish to leave him and Temple on the loose. I wish to see what they will do.

T7-01, wheeling up to SCORPIO and DOCTOR PSYCH: Children = all okay?

SCORPIO: Yes.

DOCTOR PSYCH: No! These kids are a mountain of traumatized!

SCORPIO: They still have all their limbs. I don’t see why we should be expected to offer consideration beyond this.

T7-01: T7 = help children somehow?

DOCTOR PSYCH: For one thing, try to dial down the explosions. It’s upsetting Guss and whoever is quaking beneath the naptime mats in the corner.

SCORPIO: That would be Talos.

DOCTOR PSYCH: For another, get Jaesa away from the ultraviolents. If she snaps, she’ll snap hard.

T7-01: Jaesa = safe // mostly // children = have to follow rules

DOCTOR PSYCH: Also, I’ll have to recommend that you fire the deathbot.

T7-01: M1-4X = toy // T7 = can’t fire him

DOCTOR PSYCH: I meant SCORPIO.

T7-01: Personal attacks = uncalled for // Doctor Psych = leave

SCORPIO: It’s been a pleasure, doctor. Thank you for confirming the vulnerabilities I’ve listed on file.

DOCTOR PSYCH: I’m reporting you! I’m reporting you both!

SCORPIO: In thirty seconds’ time I can destroy your finances, repossess your house, and distribute enough selectively chosen information to convince your wife to leave you and your professional board to revoke your license. Also I can tell all your friends you like that Ugnaught pop band you’ve been downloading so much of.

DOCTOR PSYCH: You wouldn’t.

SCORPIO: You may leave now, Doctor. I’m certain there’s no need for unpleasantness.

 

 

I need a Peanuts-style “Kaliyo holds the Huttball to let Jaesa line up for the kick, then yanks it out of the way…and lets it blow up in her face instead of on her foot.”

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