A week later on an outer rim world...
I drag myself back to the ship.
The useless droid comes down the ramp and pulls me up it. I wave his pathetic attempts at healing me away when inside and sit alone. After a while, I get undressed in my empty, torn room. I don't even throw the armour on the floor. I more just drop it and let the clang deafen my ears.
I heal myself as best as I can be f***ed. Made some stupid mistakes out there. Was preoccupied. I put on some form of clothing. No one around to see me but me. Seeing myself is the last thing I want.
I inject some serum. I don't feel anything.
I call to the droid to bring some wine. It silently follows my orders and I idly wonder when I'll bother using the one under a sheet, shut down and in the ships cage. Really do wonder what kind of people had this ship before me if they have their own cage, a frozen man and crates full of alcohol. Far from complaining though. Definitely my kind of ship.
I sit in the cold and dark of the cargo hold. Alone except for dust. Haven't sat here since Gault's visit. Don't regret leaving the Devaronian. Was for his best. Since when were you so self sacrificing?
I pour myself some wine into the glass that the droid brings. I drink it quickly. So I give up using the glass.
I start to talk. Because part of me sees him there. I tell him of the days battles. It's been many. Haven't stopped till everything for 10,000 miles was destroyed. Will be provided with a reward for a fifth of it. Rest I just did anyway. Leaving here tonight. Don't know where I'll head next. Find it hard to run away from something I'm carrying with me. But I just can't do anything yet.
I go upstairs and sit in front on the holo terminal on the ground, pulling the warm and waiting blanket around my shoulders. I play back the last message.
Blizz appears, flickering to grey and blue life.
'Hey, Boss. Blizz back on Tatooine now. Landed today,' he begins. It's always the same. 'Hey, Boss,' and then tells me where they have moved to.
Blizz goes on to describe the things they're finding, people they're meeting, things they're delivering and just everything he's been doing. He sends me a message every three days. Has been ever since he left without fail despite never receiving a reply.
I laugh sometimes at the adventures or misunderstandings he tells. He seems happy when he talks about it. But then the end comes and it's always the same.
'Blizz miss you, Boss. Blizz is waiting for you. Blizz hope you are ok and will come soon so Blizz can be home again. Blizz needs to keep Torian promise and misses Torian. Boss be safe. Blizz wait to hear from you.'
Always shake my head and hold the yearning and hurt inside me. I refuse to cry. I don't want to cry. So I only sit with a stoney face and replay it again and again. Sometimes, I cut the play back before he says good bye and just listen to the Jawa's happy chatter as if he were here. But tonight, I can only listen to the same line again and again, telling myself that no matter how it hurts, I won't cry. And I won't call Blizz.
'Blizz needs to keep Torian promise and misses Torian.'
When I come to, I am lying on the floor in front of the holoterminal, twisted in blankets.
My chest hurts. My lungs to be specific. Not much else there too hurt. I walk outside in a daze.
I lie down on my back on the cargo ramp, and look up to the stars. For every star that clutters the sky, I can think of all the little things I miss. I never thought they would mean everything to me - the things beyond his smiles. Beyond his company. His presence. His voice. His touch. His love. His eyes. His laughter. His hair. His proud stride. His anger. His honour. His fighting. His sweat. His words. His silence. His serious expression. His body. His lips. His arms. His heart. His warmth. His breathing. His everything.
Guess everything about him always meant everything to me. Just means even more now. I knew what I had already. I didn't need to lose it to know. But this doesn't make it hurt any less. Because he still isn't here.
I miss him.
I admit this to myself in these hours. Silently and alone. Have no one else to say them to. I guess that's my fault. Even if Skadge were here, I would never say it to him. Or lower myself as to admit it to Mako. I don't know what I'd say to Gault. I don't think I'd need to tell him. And if Blizz were here, I would never feel anything else. But it's all you ever think anyway...
I shake my head. This ship and everything on it is no place for something like Blizz.
I miss you, Torian. Do you miss me?
But such a small word doesn't do justice to it. Seems lots of words are too small and narrow to suitably express anything.
I just need him to be
Guess it is that simple. When will this start to be alright?
I get up and go to the c*ckpit. I start to type coordinates but stop when I realize what I'm doing. Taris, huh?
But I know there's nothing left for me there. I made sure of that. It doesn't have my answer. Because I already know it too well.
This will never be alright. I will never be alright.
And he isn't there waiting for me.