The Life that's Left
Contains no BH spoilers (I don't think it will) though will include I.A and Trooper spoilers eventually.
Continuation of my female bounty hunter fanfiction When I Wake
, so it's post game.
Here's a link to When I Wake: http://www.swtor.com/community/showthread.php?t=536484
Nar Shaddaa: Two months later...
I walk around the ship.
I sit in my throne for a long time. I thought about moving these crates. Changing them. As if that could change what happened. Or the way I feel. But I know it can't. And I couldn't find the strength to do it. There's dust on the table. No one eats there anymore. Not anyone here to eat on them anyway.
I sit for a long time. Sometimes, I almost expect him to walk through the door. Back from a hunt. That I am staying up waiting for him. But these fantasies and lapses only injure. Only make it worse. Because the reality I keep having to realise hurts so very, very bad. And every time I realise, it only hurts more. He will never walk through the door again. Don't think that will ever stop hurting.
After the sobs subside, I become aware of a heart beat. Wouldn't be strange if I knew I wasn't the only one on the ship. I listen. It's coming from Gault's room. I get up and walk over, opening the door with no caution. I'd know that swift heart beat anywhere.
Gault's sitting on his bed. Staring at his hands. I get the feeling things didn't go well on his end either. Had forgotten about him almost. Assumed him dead.
How'd you find me? When did you get back?' I hostilely open with. I'd rather not get touchy feely with Gault. I lean against the door frame and watch him.
'Didn't take long to. And oh, a little while. Wasn't exactly in a talkative mood.' I can't be bothered standing anymore. I sink down onto the other bed and lie on my back.
'Seriously. How did you find me? Changed the ships codes and erased everything about it prior.'
'Heard about that. Did you really have to kill them all?' He asks incredulously.
I shrug and smirk. 'Wasn't exactly in a talkative mood.'
Gault grunts and we lapse into silence. 'So taken a new name?'
I grunt an assent. 'Yeah. How'd you know it was me?'
'Not many other female, red haired cyborgs in the galaxy that like mass destruction the way you do.' Almost chuckle in reply. Got a point there. Think if there was someone like me I'd kill them. Then why is It still in your engine room?
'You've been gone eleven weeks, Gault. What the **** have you been doing?' I needed you.
Reject the thought before it finishes forming. I don't know where it came from but I don't need it. Or want it.
'Missed me, did you?' Gault rolls onto his side to look at me. If I looked, I'd see that he wasn't mocking or grinning. But I don't.
I shake my head and keep looking at the ceiling. 'Don't be stupid, T- Gault. It's only annoying.'* My lips press together in a tight line. Need to get my head straight. Why won't my head get straight?
'Take that as a yes. Don't think blondie would like to hear that.' He wryly smiles at me but I don't say anything. Feel a knife of guilt go through me.
'Been on a soul searching cruise for the last nine weeks here on Nar Shaddaa,' Gault continues. 'Really think I wouldn't hear about your ship being docked here?'
'Let me guess: searching your soul involved sleeping with every hot female that was willing and rich - though maybe after six weeks your standards of beauty dropped - and drinking as much of anything you could get your hands on,' I dryly comment back, ignoring the second half of what he said.
Wonder if Gault came as soon as he heard. Wouldn't be surprised if he's got a tracker on my ship. Though it is surprising he came back. Thought his self preservation was stronger than that. I don't know what I would have done to him if he had been there. I only know I don't feel like killing him at this moment. But moments always end.
'Well, yes,' he admits with no shame. 'And I think I'm going to continue this soul searching now as the results of the past nine weeks has been immensely limited.'
He sits up and twists an arm to reach under the bed, looking for something. When he can't feel it, he climbs off the bed and looks underneath. He sits up and scowls at me when he can't find anything.
'Didn't think you'd ever be back,'** I say with a grin. Comes so natural I don't even question how I can do it. He looks wounded and lies back down on the other bed.
'Obviously,' Gault sardonically replies with a roll of his eyes. 'Don't want to help me with the other half of my soul searching then?' He asks suggestively, patting the empty space of bed next to him.
'Keep dreaming, Gault.' I roll my eye.
'Trust me, I will.' I scoff in reply and we lapse into silence.
'My pipe dream with Hylo went down about how you'd have expected,' he says eventually.
'Well. I'm here if you want to talk. And I'm here even if you don't - you are on my ship.' Feel a flicker of amusement in that I almost sound like I used to just within a few minutes of seeing Gault again. Guess Gault's the closest thing I've ever had to a friend. I think that comes in the top five of sad things about my life. Definitely at the top of the most pathetic.
I can't find the strength to move or smile. I need to sleep. Haven't in a while. Came to Nar Shaddaa as a break. Only left the ship once in the two days I've been docked here. First night in a cantina turned out like how all my nights in a cantina do. Least I gave the bartender some compensation this time.
'Not exactly in the habit of pouring my heart out but...' Gault sighs, rolling onto his back and pressing his hands against his eyes. 'After all these years I finally caught up with her and she hadn't changed a bit.'
If I didn't think I knew better, I would have thought there was something a little disappointed and bitter in his voice; like he had finally tasted a lolly he had once as a child and now he is older it isn't as sweet.
He doesn't talk for a while. And I can't be bothered speaking. When he does, he tells me she was the same. She had been in a stasis chamber. To her, it was still raw and the other day. Don't think it would have mattered how much time had passed. Sometimes, time only makes things worse.
'She took off the first chance she got. Hardly the reunion I was looking for but at least I got her out of there. That counts for something, right?' His voice is pleading. He needs to hear it does. We all need to hear something. I'm never going to hear what I want to again.
So I shrug. And mumble something undefined. Something about being 'stuck like that forever otherwise'. If he had never come. Never gone to her. Never tried to help her. The thought hurts. I'm not thinking of Hylo and I'm not thinking of Gault.
'She deserved better than that. And I'm not Lokai anymore. It took seeing her again to realise that.' He doesn't talk for a while. 'Hey, who needs love anyway... thanks.'
I don't say anything. I can't. I'm crying in my own way again. I don't need love. Just him. I'm back to where I started. Only this time, it hurts a lot more.
Gault leaves. Something about getting drunk. I don't think he realises I won't be docked here in the morning. And that everyone on the ship is gone.
Who does need love anyway?
* Parallel to what she said to Torian at one point: "Don't be so stupid. It's not that cute." Thus the slip in names.
** Torian and BH drink Gault's wine after he leaves.