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10.12.2012 , 10:54 AM | #72
CHRONICLES PAST, 8: In which the author owes Monty Python an apology

Time period: Shortly after ghost-Quinn appears

"Haven't seen Quinn this morning," said Pierce. "Makes it a good morning."

"I was talking to some up-and-coming Sith," said Nalenne, "and managed to assign Quinn to him."

"Won't Quinn just snap back here the second you or the ship get out of range?"

"I have to at least try. The sucker who took him seemed awfully happy to have his very own decorated Imperial officer."

"Much good may it do him." Pierce snorted and wandered off again.

Just then the ship's doors opened and a stout Zabrak hurried in, Captain Quinn following close on his heels.

"Wrath!" huffed the Zabrak. "I wish to register a complaint."

Nalenne yawned and waved dismissively. "That's nice. I'm about to go to lunch."

"Never mind that, my lord. I wish to complain about this officer what you assigned to me not half an hour ago from this very ship."

She developed a look that definitely wasn't guilty. "Oh yes, Captain Quinn. Ah, what's wrong with him?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lord. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him."

"Nonsense." Nalenne glared at Quinn; Quinn stoicked. "He's…he's resting," claimed Nalenne.

"Look, Wrath, I know a dead officer when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

"He's not dead, he's resting. Remarkable officer, Captain Quinn, wouldn't you say? Beautiful look to him."

"His looks don't enter into it. He's stone dead."

"No! No, no, no! He's resting!"

"All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up." The Zabrak turned to Captain Quinn. "'Ello, Captain! I've a lovely shiny commendation for you if you..."

Nalenne threw Quinn a significant look and an impatient gesture. Quinn sighed inaudibly and waved a hand. Nalenne tossed him a datapad, which he appeared to catch.

"There," announced Nalenne, "he caught that!"

"No he didn't. That's you Force levitating it to make it look like his ghost is good for something."

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did!"

"I never, never did anything..."

The Zabrak threw a couple of punches through Quinn. "'ELLO CAPTAIN! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! Caaaap-taaaaiinnn!" He took out his lightsaber and plunged it through the immaterial officer. Then, with an angry huff, he turned back to Nalenne. "Now that's what I call a dead captain."

"Ugh. No, he's stunned."


"Yes! You stunned him, just as he was getting ready to do something useful! Quinns stun easily, you know."

"Now look, my lord, I've definitely had enough of this. That captain is definitely deceased, and when you assigned him to me not half an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of interaction with matter was due to him bein' tired and shagged out after a long bout of heroism."

"Well, he's...he's, ah...probably just pining for the Citadel."

"Pining for the Citadel? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he start drifting through the walls the moment I got him home?"

"Captain Quinn prefers traveling through solid objects. Remarkable fellow, isn't he? Really fine looks."

"Look, I took the liberty of interrogating this captain when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason he managed that shooting demonstration during the recruitment spiel was that you had Force handled the entire thing yourself."

"Well of course I handled the blaster myself! If I'd let him have his way he would've locked on to the location of the nearest enemy of the Empire and VOOM! We'd never see him again!"

"'VOOM'? My lord, this officer wouldn't 'voom' if you put four thousand volts through him! He's bleedin' demised!"

"No! He's pining, so just take him away already!"

"He's not pining, he's passed on! This captain is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! This is a late captain!" The Zabrak punched at Quinn again. "He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't mucked up his final scene he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-captain!"

Nalenne and the Zabrak looked at each other for a long while.

"I suppose you're expecting a replacement, then," Nalenne said sullenly.

The Zabrak kept glaring.

Nalenne ran her eyes around the holo room. "Well, sorry. I've had a look 'round the whole shop, and we're right out of captains."

"I see," whined the Zabrak. "I see, I get the picture."

"I've got a Talz," offered Nalenne.

The Zabrak gave her the stink-eye. But when he spoke his voice was very, very sweet. "Does it talk?"

"Well, not in Basic, as such."

"Well it's scarcely a replacement then, is it!?"

"Fine. If you won't take this one…if you won't take this one, then go to my sister's outfit on Korriban. She'll replace the captain for you."

"Korriban, eh? Very well." The Zabrak shot Quinn a last venomous look and swept out.

Quinn remained. "My lord, Darth Niselle will kill him just for showing up asking for anything."

"That's the idea, captain. If that man refuses to take you off my hands, he deserves what's coming."

(...If you've never seen the original Dead Parrot Sketch, check it out: )
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