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12.20.2011 , 01:38 AM | #1
Cold War Called Off - “It’s Pointless” Say Military Leaders

DK City, DROMUND KAAS Ahead of yesterday’s announcement that the Dark Council has foreseen the Empire’s defeat thousands of years in the future, despair has spread like gloomy wildfire through the ranks of the Imperial Armed Forces. Lord Kras today issued a statement, saying that the vision reveals the Empire’s position as untenable. “What’s the point?” he said to a crowded press conference, “In fact, why am I even here?”

The vision predicted a major Imperial defeat some 3,650 years in the future by a farmboy with a terrible haircut.

The response to this vision has been devastating, with entire battalions of Sith soldiers throwing down their weapons and deserting. “You know, I got better things to do,” said one Imperial Sergeant, “Me and some of the fellas saved up for a holiday pad on Thyferra. Who cares about this miserable war?” He then yelled at his troops, “Pack it up, ladies! We’re going speeder-sailing!”

Not everyone is entirely convinced, however. Grand Moff Kilran has called for calm, calling the vision a hoax. “We haven’t even verified that the vision actually originated from the Dark Council. Those guys don’t have good lines of communication. Probably more than one of them heard the same thing on the grapevine and assumed that all the other Council members were in on it. It wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened.”

In fact, Kilran went so far as to suggest the whole thing was a Republic monkey wrench. “It’s not true. And even if it is, it doesn’t matter. And even if it does, it’s not relevant for thousands of years.”

The Grand Moff concluded, “I mean, come on. This whole thing is just a thermal detonator of Stupid.”

His statement has done little to stem the tide of hopelessness that has overcome the Empire’s war machine. It is predicted that at this rate, the Imperial Armada will be completely decommissioned within months.

Meanwhile, on the planet Tython, rumours are starting to emerge that that the Jedi Council have had a similar vision of impending (on a geological scale) defeat at the hand of a sith lord who manages to sieze the reins of the republic by guile. Again, this vision's subject transpires in about three and a half millenia, but Republic officials are already taking it seriously.

Just minutes ago, Supreme Chancellor Janarus abruptly concluded a speech before the military joint chiefs. Partway through an uncharacteristically lackluster motivational talk he broke off saying, "But in the long run... it doesn't really matter, does it? None of this," he waved his hand vaguely at a massive Republic battlestation, "will really matter in the end." Holocam footage show his shoulders slumping, before he leaves the stage without a further word.

Embarrassed officials were left to conclude the ceremony with an awkwardly-timed performance of the Republic anthem.

Stay tuned for further developments.

- Kyrah Veltares dejectedly reporting for Begeren Colo-Net News (BCNN) -

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