Thread: Hunter
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Osetto
09.11.2012 , 08:32 PM | #8
Quote: Originally Posted by mustardcheese View Post
What do you mean when you say "absence of paragraph breaks?"
I think bright' is talking specifically about dialogue sequences, where:

Quote:
“Right. So you’re my assistant?” Titus asked, looking over the droid. He flicked its shoulder, checking its balance. It glanced at its shoulder, and then gave Titus a quizzical look, that passed after a moment.
“Correct, sir! Think of me as your secretary. I’ll manage all of your accounts and other expenses, and can pilot the ship in your absence. I cannot, however, offer you combat support, as my programming restrains me from harming any form of life. So despite how much I might want to, I cannot join you in battle.” It said, it’s voice turning to that of disappointment towards the end of its response.
“Good to know.”
should look more like:

Quote:
“Right. So you’re my assistant?” Titus asked, looking over the droid. He flicked its shoulder, checking its balance. It glanced at its shoulder, and then gave Titus a quizzical look, that passed after a moment.

“Correct, sir! Think of me as your secretary. I’ll manage all of your accounts and other expenses, and can pilot the ship in your absence. I cannot, however, offer you combat support, as my programming restrains me from harming any form of life. So despite how much I might want to, I cannot join you in battle.” It said, it’s voice turning to that of disappointment towards the end of its response.

“Good to know.”
An extra 'gap' between different speakers much like that of different paragraphs. It helps distinguish dialogues and makes for an easier read. It looks like you start a new line when there's dialogue, so all it needs is that extra press of the 'enter' key.



I enjoyed the read. You provide an entertaining description of actions and paint a picture of the protagonist's surroundings. The narrative exposition had feeling, meaning that despite being third-person, it's sprinkled with emotion and evaluation of the events taking place. Plus, the content is delivered in digestible portions, making it a quick but enjoyable read. Keep it up.
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