By popular demand, a guy I've really struggled to place in a story…but here he is!
On TUESDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and LORD SCOURGE.
Today’s guest spot has minor spoilers for one of DARTH BARAS’s professional habits as laid out early in ACT ONE of the SITH WARRIOR line.
LORD SCOURGE: Today, children, you will be meeting a distinguished Sith Lord, who will seek an apprentice from among you. Please welcome Lord Baras.
An armored, masked, noticeably overweight man walks in.
LORD BARAS: Bow before your betters, children.
The children look questioningly at LORD SCOURGE and KHEM VAL.
KHEM VAL: He's no Tulak Hord, but I guess you should show some deference.
The children bow. BABY GUSS falls over from doing it wrong.
LORD BARAS: Now, spy! Report!
The children exchange looks, but say nothing.
LORD BARAS: Doc. Report on this daycare center.
BABY DOC: What?
LORD BARAS: You’re my spy for daycare. Remember? I gave you a cookie last week and told you to report on the activities of your fellow children?
LORD SCOURGE: That seems singularly pointless, even by your own standards, Baras.
LORD BARAS: Look, I have spies within the Jedi, and spies within the Sith, and spies within the Republic. I needed spies within daycare.
LORD SCOURGE looks skeptical.
LORD BARAS: If I had chosen a less incompetent agent this would’ve worked out to my advantage.
BABY DOC: I was a spy?
LORD BARAS: You people!
LORD BARAS raises his hand. LORD SCOURGE forces it down again before he can unleash Force Lightning on BABY DOC.
LORD SCOURGE: Don’t do that.
LORD BARAS: You, Wrath, are a disgrace to the Sith order.
LORD SCOURGE: You, Baras, should get your power trip kicks elsewhere.
BABY DOC: Uh, I don't have a spy report. But I do have a fresh cookie. Please don't hurt me.
BABY KIRA: Do you seriously expect that to work?
BABY DOC: Cookies are the universal currency, babe.
BABY KIRA: How's he even going to eat it? His head's all locked up in that funny-looking mask.
BABY DOC: He has obviously succeeded in consuming a lot
of food before. He'll manage.
LORD BARAS snatches the cookie from BABY DOC's hand and examines it.
LORD BARAS: It'll do. Now, to continue seeking talent. Worthwhile sentients, assemble before me.
The children look at each other again.
LORD BARAS sighs heavily.
LORD BARAS: Force users, get over here.
BABIES KIRA, ASHARA, XALEK, JAESA, and GUSS crawl over. BABY ASHARA gives BABY GUSS a dirty look but says nothing.
LORD BARAS: I want you all to go outside, find a wild tuk’ata, and ride it back here. If you give up you will die. If you fail you will be forgotten.
KHEM VAL: That’s the kind of management this galaxy needs.
LORD SCOURGE: Get over yourself, Baras. The children will not be made to try to tame ravening wild animals.
LORD BARAS: This is an opportunity they are privileged to have, to serve a Dark Lord of the Sith.
LORD SCOURGE: No. No, standing in my daycare getting to talk is an opportunity you’re privileged to have.
KHEM VAL: Angry tuk’ata racing, Scourge. And Teeseven can’t fire us if it was Baras setting up the games. Our hands are clean.
LORD BARAS: Hsst! Kids! Get moving!
LORD SCOURGE: I heard that.
LORD BARAS: If you're not going to let me torment these children at my whim, I may as well just leave now.
KHEM VAL: Tell you what, if I identify a child strong enough to be useful and dumb enough to work for you, I'll call you.
LORD BARAS: Ah, that will do nicely. Thank you.
LORD BARAS turns to the children.
LORD BARAS: Remember, you are all insects before the might of the Sith. Remember my name.
LORD SCOURGE: And again I say, get over yourself. Goodbye.
LORD SCOURGE starts shooing LORD BARAS out the door.
LORD BARAS: You haven't heard the last of me! I will return!
LORD SCOURGE slams the door behind LORD BARAS.
LORD SCOURGE: Khem, if he calls requesting a visit again, just hang up.
KHEM VAL: I have trouble saying no to Dark Lords of the Sith.
LORD SCOURGE: I'm darker.
KHEM VAL: Right. Hanging up it is.