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bright_ephemera
07.22.2012 , 07:05 PM | #59
On TUESDAYS, FCD is staffed by KHEM VAL and LORD SCOURGE.


BABY RUSK is sitting amidst his squad of stuffed animals. He is glaring at Akaavi, who is sitting and leaning forward to glare at him.
LORD SCOURGE: Akaavi and Rusk are having a staring contest?
KHEM VAL: Yes. They’ve been at it since Friday morning.
LORD SCOURGE: It is an admirable use of Rusk’s sole discernible talent.
KHEM VAL: Self-destruction?
LORD SCOURGE: I was referring to his pointless stubbornness. It is arguable whether ‘self-destruction’ qualifies as a talent.
BABY RUSK, hoarsely: I think I might drop from hunger soon.
BABY AKAAVI: Your failure to plan supplies correctly is not my concern.
BABY RUSK: Mustn’t…falter…
BABY AKAAVI stares.
BABY DOC: Mister Lord Scourge, Mister Lord Scourge!
LORD SCOURGE: It’s just Lord Scourge. I don’t need the mister.
BABY DOC: Right you are. Lord Scourge, I’ve been analyzing the food being provided to the children here, and I’ve got some deep concerns.
LORD SCOURGE: Is that so?
BABY DOC: Yes. See, growing children need large quantities of chocolate chips and cookie…uh…stuff, to prevent…bad things. Boils and stuff. And stunted growth. Basically we need to be provided with a lot of cookies or we’ll all be terribly sick.
LORD SCOURGE: Perhaps you do not deserve to be well.
BABY DOC: Whaaat? Lil’ Doc deserves the best.
LORD SCOURGE: Lil’ Doc needs to wipe the blue marker mustache off his face before anyone will take him seriously.
BABY DOC: This is an important part of my appeal.
LORD SCOURGE looks down at BABY DOC.
BABY DOC: If I compromise my image to get rid of the mustache, can we have more cookies?
LORD SCOURGE: No.
BABY RUSK blinks and falls over.
BABY AKAAVI: This victory will bring honor to my clan.
BABY RUSK shakes himself and gets up, clutching his empty tummy.
BABY RUSK, to his stuffed-animal squad: Come on, guys. Time for resupply.
BABY TEMPLE, sitting amidst the animals: They’re not going anywhere. I corrupted your whole squad while you were busy staring at Akaavi. Now they’re all loyal Imperials.
BABY TEMPLE hugs the stuffed nexu and smiles.
BABY RUSK: You can’t do that!
BABY TEMPLE: Can so.
BABY RUSK: Nuh-uh!
BABY TEMPLE: Uh-huh!
BABY RUSK: No!
BABY TEMPLE: Hey, squad, let’s sing the Imperial anthem!
BABY RUSK: Over my dead body!
BABY RUSK whips out a toy assault cannon taller than he is and starts hitting the stuffed-animal squad, thwacking indiscriminately while BABY TEMPLE sings out the anthem.
BABY RUSK: Traitors! All of you, traitors!
BABY AKAAVI: Even your stuffed animals know better than to follow such a weak and…unstable…leader.
BABY TEMPLE, unwilling to face Rusk’s frenzy, edges away from the battleground. BABY AKAAVI catches her eye.
BABY AKAAVI: The Republic finally manages the will to fight, and it’s with itself. This is why I believe your Empire will win.
BABY TEMPLE, beaming: Yup!
BABY DOC toddles over to smile winningly at BABY AKAAVI and BABY TEMPLE.
BABY DOC: Ladies, I need your help. Could you come pretend to be really sick in front of Lord Scourge for me?
BABY AKAAVI: Why would we do anything for you?
BABY DOC: If you help me out I’ll give you smooches.
BABY AKAAVI: So…if we help you you will punish us.
BABY DOC: Uh, no.
BABY TEMPLE: You really need to work on your negotiation skills. Particularly the part where you need to offer us things we like.
BABY DOC: Fine. I was going to keep it a secret until the thrilling reveal, but Lil’ Doc will graciously offer you a share of the bounty of cookies that will result from this plan.
BABY TEMPLE: Ooh.
BABY DOC: After the smooches.
BABY AKAAVI: No.
M1-4X: Rusk, how did that staring contest turn out? I was buried under bits of swoop track, I couldn’t see.
BABY RUSK, nursing the finger he crushed while fumbling with the assault cannon: Casualties one hundred per cent, sir.
KHEM VAL: Did you even need to ask? I’ve not seen such a terrible leader since the battlefield of Rhorek.
M1-4X: I’ve never heard of that one, sir.
KHEM VAL: Exactly.
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