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SammyRath's Avatar

02.19.2012 , 11:54 AM | #8
Quote: Originally Posted by AbelMorvant View Post
Not at all! That's the whole purpose of me posting it here, this is my first ever attempt at telling something this complex.
Good to know. And you're right, something like this Is extremely complex.

One thing I will say (and I'm seriously not saying this ion a lame attempt to void your criticism), what I've said in my op is VERY vague compared to what I have written in word. I have a ton of things written in word and i'm still just kinking out everything before I get to the actual writing.
In that case I highly recommend you post shorter sections, and give out as many details as possible, rather than sacrifice quality for the sake of quantity.

EU lore I am ignoring and focusing on just what I imagined given with the OT.
This Is a very good thing. It narrows down the things you have to get right, and conform to immensely.

I have considered Owen's words (I honestly do reflect a lot back on the OT when thinking about this project). I was thinking this would be established with Owen (his step brother) being very bitter about Anakin joining the Republic military. But I would love to hear more about why this is conflicting with what was established in the OT.
A lot of things you establish early on could go on to conflict greatly with the OT.
Owen's comments In Episode 4 clearly indicate he knew Obi-Wan to a degree, claiming that "he died about the same time as your father." I think It should also be explored How Anakin would go about joining the Republic Army seeing as he would most likely still be either a slave, or a moisture farmer on a remote planet that's not a part of the Republic. Out of personal interest I'd also love an explanation as to Why the Republic has a standing Military In this era, as In the movies they had no army until the Clone Army was legalized.

This is actually one of the most vague parts I wrote in my post and is MUCH more detailed in the doc I have saved.
Well as i said above, quality above quantity.

One major part I left out is the story would actually begin with a republic cruiser being attacked by Neimoidian ships. Nute actually brings this up to the Republic asking for reasons on the attack by a republic ship. It is also revealed that the republic ship wasn't completely destroyed, but crashed into the surface of Neimoidia, but no one can find the ship.
Is this conflicting story intentional? First you say the Republic Cruiser Is under attack, then Nute asks why the Neimoidian ships are being attacked?

The Chancellar is confused by this, not just because of the random attack by the republic ship, but also because the ship sent no transmissions to the republic before or during combat. So Padme isn't sent just for diplomatic reasons, but to also figure out what happened to the ship.
Logically Padme would not be sent to do anything other than politics, and diplomatic discussions seeing as she Is not a soldier. Either the Jedi would do such tasks, or as In the Clone Wars the Republic had the Coruscant Guard, a special section of Clone Troopers who would accompany Senators on important Diplomatic missions.

They arrive on Neimoidia and are greeted by Nute Gunray with hospitality. They are escorted to their quarters while Nute goes elsewhere (haven't decided where, was thinking his bedroom, office or something like that) with two guards. When Nute arrives he discovers Darth Maul standing there with a clone of Nute. Nute orders his guards to kill the man and the clone but is shoved into the room before he can let anyone else know what's going on. If it was in the movie I imagined the scene would be the doors shutting with a muffled, but brief slash of a lightsaber coming from within the room.
I think the audience could be confused at this point. First the Republic Cruiser falls under attack, or the Neimoidians depending on who's telling the story. Then the Viceroy (I assume?) Is assassinated without proper explanation. At this point we wouldn't know who the enemy was, who the good guys are, and what the conflict is actually about.

Obi-Wan senses a disturbance in the force by Gunray's death, he goes and alerts the queens and the others (this would be a whole stealthy scene of him avoiding guards and what not, think of the scene in ANH on the Death Star). After managing to gather up everyone he warns them that they must leave, but can't quite figure out why
Given Obi-Wans reaction to Alderaans destruction In a New Hope, I don't think he would react so rashly on a hunch. When he felt Alderaan being destroyed he just had to sit down, but he told Luke to keep training, and didn't tell Han to disengage the hyper drive.
He would sense something Is wrong, but when he doesn't have any idea what was wrong there's really little to do about it.

not too long after they are attacked by Neimoidian guards they escape, but they're ship is damaged by turrets on their way out. They manage to get a distress signal out but decide to land elsewhere on the planet. I actually have a big scene in my head for this where the commander orders Anakin to land the ship safely in a field, but Obi-Wan protests to land in some swamps because his instincts tell him so. Anakin goes with Obi-Wan's commands because he feels the same instincts, this is when it occurs to Obi-Wan that anakin may be defying his senior officers orders because he too feels it within the force.
Given Anakins portrayal In Episode 1 as Force Sensitive I think the audience introduction to that needs to be more high profile, and not something a Jedi next to him also happens to feel. In Episode 1 It was stated that Anakin was the only human known to be capable of Pod Racing, showing his strength In the force, as well as his natural piloting skills.

When the ship lands, they discover a nearby device that seems to have been planted in the ground: These are described to be used commonly by survivors of crashed ships when in enemy territory. They assume these were set up by survivors of the republic ship and that they may be in the area. They decide to camp out and Obi-Wan discusses the force with Anakin, asks him questions about why he went against his commanding officers orders, and further tells Anakin that he is very strong in the force. They end up discovering the republic ship but thanks to some logs and finding cloning tanks, they discovered that they were taken over by Maul and other sith on an unrelated mission. This makes it clear that Maul had used the ship to get to Neimoidia and try to replace its government powers with controllable clones. A lot of this still needs to be fleshed out though I admit.
The idea for such a scene Is good. Like in Dragon Age where you could talk with your party members In camp, and learn more about them, and bond with them. The concept itself Is perfectly fine.
But as you say, It needs to be fleshed out.

It would be established by certain republic senators and the chancellar that the Genosians have already had their government powers replaces by clones. It is also implied that they are unaware of how many systems may have already been taken and it's all a part of one massive plan for the Sith to secretly and gradually, take over the republic.
This explains why they would be attacking them If the Geonosian leaders were clones, but they need to be introduced as allies of the Republic. Otherwise an attack from them Is emotionally pointless.

This part of my story isn't nearly as fleshed out as everything else. I'm not sure if the climatic setting would be a place, or a military base on Neimoidia or what, but it is basically where Nute usually keeps himself stowed away. It's where Padme and the others first arrived when they got to the planet.
Things like important settings simply needs to be established early on. Of course we would see Padme, Anakin and Obi-Wan arrive at the Palace. You just needed to add this to your opening so the audience knows that's where they started.

I'm not sure if Maul would be tranquillized, stunned, or otherwise. I just want to keep him alive through the next episode and not as just some throw away character. I may allow him to escape, but I wanted a climatic battle of him trying to battle his way through invading republic troops along with his own clone troops.
Seems reasonable.

I originally had a cheesy idea of him defeating Obi-Wan in battle, and just as he was about to kill obi-wan Anakin barges in with a blaster rifle, each bolt is deflected though. Maul charges at him with his saber, Anakin panics (Obi-Wan had already gave him some breif training while they were stranded earlier, that whole part is going to be the middle where relationships are built and what-not.) and Obi-Wan's saber rattles and flies to anakin's hand and he blocks an attack but is overwhelmed and quickly brought down. Anakin is lying on his stomache and says "you under estimate my power..." and Maul says something cocky and taunting like "your power in the force is weak." Anakin replies "who said anything about the force?" rolls on his back and reveals a hidden pistol and blasts Maul in the head. I thought it was cool but super cheesy and not sure why I said this since it wont be added lol.
If you really like the idea of it, cheesy or not, you just need to work on It to make It less cheesy, and actually bearable and important to the story.

I was thinking it would be more ceremonial, like his acceptance into the Jedi order. When I said knighted I didn't literally mean they were all "hey, your a jedi knight now!" so that's my bad for not being very clear on that.
Given Luke's initiation I don't think a big ceremony of any kind would take place. More likely the Jedi Masters telling Anakin he was accepted as Obi-Wan's Padawan.

Hopefully you read this followup post and read the part about the republic(as well as the neimoidians) simply being confused on why there was a battle. Both of them are confused on why an Republic ship attacks that system.
Of course I'll read follow ups. I'd hate to invest time, and knowledge into a big post, and then bail.

Overall, your feedback was GREATLY appreciated and I look forward to hearing a lot more from you! Like I said, I'm very amateur at this stuff, but it is something I want to follow through with.
I'd be happy to help you as best I can.

Also, Wookipedia Is very good for checking sources, lore, and names so you get all the minor details right.