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AbelMorvant
02.18.2012 , 09:29 PM | #5
Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
If It's solely for therapeutic reasons I sincerely hope you won't take criticism personally.
Not at all! That's the whole purpose of me posting it here, this is my first ever attempt at telling something this complex. One thing I will say (and I'm seriously not saying this ion a lame attempt to void your criticism), what I've said in my op is VERY vague compared to what I have written in word. I have a ton of things written in word and i'm still just kinking out everything before I get to the actual writing.


Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
Already now you're conflictic tons of established canon, not just PT lore, but OT, and EU lore as well. I'd like more clarification, Is this intentional? Because If you're only writing your version of the PT It still needs to conform to what's established in the OT. Such as Obi-Wan claiming Luke's uncle was afraid he'd run off on some "idealistic crusade, like your father did."
Or If you're just re writing the entire saga, In which case you need to specify how much stuff you're ret-conning for your stories.
EU lore I am ignoring and focusing on just what I imagined given with the OT. I have considered Owen's words (I honestly do reflect a lot back on the OT when thinking about this project). I was thinking this would be established with Owen (his step brother) being very bitter about Anakin joining the Republic military. But I would love to hear more about why this is conflicting with what was established in the OT.



Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
Why would they be held hostage? And by whom? Details like that are important.
This is actually one of the most vague parts I wrote in my post and is MUCH more detailed in the doc I have saved.

One major part I left out is the story would actually begin with a republic cruiser being attacked by Neimoidian ships. Nute actually brings this up to the Republic asking for reasons on the attack by a republic ship. It is also revealed that the republic ship wasn't completely destroyed, but crashed into the surface of Neimoidia, but no one can find the ship. The Chancellar is confused by this, not just because of the random attack by the republic ship, but also because the ship sent no transmissions to the republic before or during combat. So Padme isn't sent just for diplomatic reasons, but to also figure out what happened to the ship.


They arrive on Neimoidia and are greeted by Nute Gunray with hospitality. They are escorted to their quarters while Nute goes elsewhere (haven't decided where, was thinking his bedroom, office or something like that) with two guards. When Nute arrives he discovers Darth Maul standing there with a clone of Nute. Nute orders his guards to kill the man and the clone but is shoved into the room before he can let anyone else know what's going on. If it was in the movie I imagined the scene would be the doors shutting with a muffled, but brief slash of a lightsaber coming from within the room.




Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
What conspiracy? You really need to present these plot points to the readers since they're basically the foundation for the plot. I wasn't even aware that they had interacted with Nute Gunray.
Obi-Wan senses a disturbance in the force by Gunray's death, he goes and alerts the queens and the others (this would be a whole stealthy scene of him avoiding guards and what not, think of the scene in ANH on the Death Star). After managing to gather up everyone he warns them that they must leave, but can't quite figure out why, not too long after they are attacked by Neimoidian guards they escape, but they're ship is damaged by turrets on their way out. They manage to get a distress signal out but decide to land elsewhere on the planet. I actually have a big scene in my head for this where the commander orders Anakin to land the ship safely in a field, but Obi-Wan protests to land in some swamps because his instincts tell him so. Anakin goes with Obi-Wan's commands because he feels the same instincts, this is when it occurs to Obi-Wan that anakin may be defying his senior officers orders because he too feels it within the force.

When the ship lands, they discover a nearby device that seems to have been planted in the ground: These are described to be used commonly by survivors of crashed ships when in enemy territory. They assume these were set up by survivors of the republic ship and that they may be in the area. They decide to camp out and Obi-Wan discusses the force with Anakin, asks him questions about why he went against his commanding officers orders, and further tells Anakin that he is very strong in the force. They end up discovering the republic ship but thanks to some logs and finding cloning tanks, they discovered that they were taken over by Maul and other sith on an unrelated mission. This makes it clear that Maul had used the ship to get to Neimoidia and try to replace its government powers with controllable clones. A lot of this still needs to be fleshed out though I admit.



Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
I assume this "Tyranneous" Is the same character as Count Dooku?
Yes, but I refuse to call a dark lord of the sith "dooku".



Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
Such alliances need to be introduced earlier on instead of being introduced as a simple plot device later in the story, without any prior introduction.
It would be established by certain republic senators and the chancellar that the Genosians have already had their government powers replaces by clones. It is also implied that they are unaware of how many systems may have already been taken and it's all a part of one massive plan for the Sith to secretly and gradually, take over the republic.



Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
This is way too vague. What Palace? How did they manage to tranquilize Maul?

This part of my story isn't nearly as fleshed out as everything else. I'm not sure if the climatic setting would be a place, or a military base on Neimoidia or what, but it is basically where Nute usually keeps himself stowed away. It's where Padme and the others first arrived when they got to the planet.

I'm not sure if Maul would be tranquillized, stunned, or otherwise. I just want to keep him alive through the next episode and not as just some throw away character. I may allow him to escape, but I wanted a climatic battle of him trying to battle his way through invading republic troops along with his own clone troops.

I originally had a cheesy idea of him defeating Obi-Wan in battle, and just as he was about to kill obi-wan Anakin barges in with a blaster rifle, each bolt is deflected though. Maul charges at him with his saber, Anakin panics (Obi-Wan had already gave him some breif training while they were stranded earlier, that whole part is going to be the middle where relationships are built and what-not.) and Obi-Wan's saber rattles and flies to anakin's hand and he blocks an attack but is overwhelmed and quickly brought down. Anakin is lying on his stomache and says "you under estimate my power..." and Maul says something cocky and taunting like "your power in the force is weak." Anakin replies "who said anything about the force?" rolls on his back and reveals a hidden pistol and blasts Maul in the head. I thought it was cool but super cheesy and not sure why I said this since it wont be added lol.




Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
So he's being Knighted, and then declared a Padawan? Mate those 2 ranks are reversed.
They can't just Knight him as a Jedi as he's had No training whatsoever. In fact you never stated he was force sensitive at this point. And who would the Republic be going to war with? I'm not sure who the antagonist Is, or what their plan Is.


I was thinking it would be more ceremonial, like his acceptance into the Jedi order. When I said knighted I didn't literally mean they were all "hey, your a jedi knight now!" so that's my bad for not being very clear on that.


Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
I did not proceed to read your second part. Because the first one Is filled with plot holes, inconsistencies, and you really overhaul a large amount of Canon, and lore.
I honestly think you need to work a Lot more on the first part. You never say who the Republic Is fighting, or why. Please read over the sections above, and try and see It from a readers perspective. We have very little to go on, you heavily re write established Canon, and lore, and you never tell us who the protagonists are fighting, or why.
Hopefully you read this followup post and read the part about the republic(as well as the neimoidians) simply being confused on why there was a battle. Both of them are confused on why an Republic ship attacks that system.

And agreed, the first needs to be worked out more, but I also need to think of how these 3 episodes would lead into ANH, which means i should put some thought into where they're headed. What the core of 2 and 3 will be, but right now, i totally agree that the first part needs to be more focused on.

Overall, your feedback was GREATLY appreciated and I look forward to hearing a lot more from you! Like I said, I'm very amateur at this stuff, but it is something I want to follow through with.