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TheLonelyTusken
02.18.2012 , 07:37 PM | #4
Quote: Originally Posted by SammyRath View Post
If It's solely for therapeutic reasons I sincerely hope you won't take criticism personally.



Already now you're conflictic tons of established canon, not just PT lore, but OT, and EU lore as well. I'd like more clarification, Is this intentional? Because If you're only writing your version of the PT It still needs to conform to what's established in the OT. Such as Obi-Wan claiming Luke's uncle was afraid he'd run off on some "idealistic crusade, like your father did."
Or If you're just re writing the entire saga, In which case you need to specify how much stuff you're ret-conning for your stories.



Why would they be held hostage? And by whom? Details like that are important.



What conspiracy? You really need to present these plot points to the readers since they're basically the foundation for the plot. I wasn't even aware that they had interacted with Nute Gunray.



I assume this "Tyranneous" Is the same character as Count Dooku?



Such alliances need to be introduced earlier on instead of being introduced as a simple plot device later in the story, without any prior introduction.



This is way too vague. What Palace? How did they manage to tranquilize Maul?



So he's being Knighted, and then declared a Padawan? Mate those 2 ranks are reversed.
They can't just Knight him as a Jedi as he's had No training whatsoever. In fact you never stated he was force sensitive at this point. And who would the Republic be going to war with? I'm not sure who the antagonist Is, or what their plan Is.



I did not proceed to read your second part. Because the first one Is filled with plot holes, inconsistencies, and you really overhaul a large amount of Canon, and lore.
I honestly think you need to work a Lot more on the first part. You never say who the Republic Is fighting, or why. Please read over the sections above, and try and see It from a readers perspective. We have very little to go on, you heavily re write established Canon, and lore, and you never tell us who the protagonists are fighting, or why.
This^
/waveshands

You want to go home and rethink your life...