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SammyRath's Avatar

02.18.2012 , 06:01 PM | #3
Quote: Originally Posted by AbelMorvant View Post
So lately I've made a decision to get more into writing. I have a website where I write various articles, but they don't do justice for me, I always wanted to write a long story for therapeutic reasons (if anybody can understand that)
If It's solely for therapeutic reasons I sincerely hope you won't take criticism personally.


Episode 1

Anakin is the adopted son of the Lars family, episode 1 begins with him announcing that he'll be departing Tattooine to join the republic. He is a young man (18 or 19 years old) and is a patriot of the republic.

We follow Anakin is a pilot and is chosen to copilot a ship to take Senator Padme and her Jedi associate Obi-Wan Kenobi on a diplomatic mission to Neimoidia.
Already now you're conflictic tons of established canon, not just PT lore, but OT, and EU lore as well. I'd like more clarification, Is this intentional? Because If you're only writing your version of the PT It still needs to conform to what's established in the OT. Such as Obi-Wan claiming Luke's uncle was afraid he'd run off on some "idealistic crusade, like your father did."
Or If you're just re writing the entire saga, In which case you need to specify how much stuff you're ret-conning for your stories.

Nute Gunray is in this remake, but he'll be written to be taken a little more seriously. Anakin, Padme, Obi-Wan and a Republic Commander Aund are avoids being held hostage due to Obi-Wan trust in the force. Commander Aund and a few other republic guards are skeptic of Jedi, but Anakin becomes more curious and even turns against the Commander, trusting Obi-Wans instincts over his own commanding officer.
Why would they be held hostage? And by whom? Details like that are important.

They eventually discover that Nute Gunray had been dead for some time and was replaced by a clone and a practitioner of the dark side of the force, Darth Maul, is behind the conspiracy.
What conspiracy? You really need to present these plot points to the readers since they're basically the foundation for the plot. I wasn't even aware that they had interacted with Nute Gunray.

Darth Maul reports to his master, Darth Tyranneous, that the republic diplomat has escaped and their plans may be foiled.
I assume this "Tyranneous" Is the same character as Count Dooku?

A small republic fleet arrives to the planet, but are not only attacked by Neimoidian ships, but Genosian ships as well. This is strange to the commander leading the Republic fleet because the Genosians are considered a strong ally of the republic.
Such alliances need to be introduced earlier on instead of being introduced as a simple plot device later in the story, without any prior introduction.

A few landing ships manage to rendevous with Anakin and the others and they make their way back to the palace to confront Darth Maul. Maul is tranquillized and arrested for interrogation and the Genosian forces are put into submission.
This is way too vague. What Palace? How did they manage to tranquilize Maul?

The story would end with Anakin being knighted by the Jedi Council and taken in as a padawan. There's also small talk of going to war, and how the republic are unaware of how many systems governments may have been replaced by clones.
So he's being Knighted, and then declared a Padawan? Mate those 2 ranks are reversed.
They can't just Knight him as a Jedi as he's had No training whatsoever. In fact you never stated he was force sensitive at this point. And who would the Republic be going to war with? I'm not sure who the antagonist Is, or what their plan Is.

I think this is enough for one post, so I'll leave it right here and continue later. Tell me what you think so far.
I did not proceed to read your second part. Because the first one Is filled with plot holes, inconsistencies, and you really overhaul a large amount of Canon, and lore.
I honestly think you need to work a Lot more on the first part. You never say who the Republic Is fighting, or why. Please read over the sections above, and try and see It from a readers perspective. We have very little to go on, you heavily re write established Canon, and lore, and you never tell us who the protagonists are fighting, or why.