A simple kind of editing you can do before putting any writing up for readers: Skim for multiple uses of the same word.
1. If you find the same word at the beginning of two sentences in a row, consider rewriting one of them.
2. If you find the same word appearing twice in the same sentence, consider using another word for one of them.
3. If you find the same word at the beginning of two paragraphs in a row, consider rewriting one of them.
Doing this makes reading less distracting for the reader and avoids a feeling of repetition.
Talbot's a clever bounty hunter. I'm curious why he wondered about the captain of the freighter being a good fire, given the captain was in a suit of imposing armor and had two body guards. If anything, I might wonder if the man in the armor was really the captain!
Crackling can of fireworks. That's a new one for taking a blaster bolt to the head. Nicely evocative without being gory.
If you're going to shift points of view, I might recommend more spacing or perhaps a breaker between sections like a ____________ or something. Using italics vs. normal text looks a bit strange.
Wow, I totally didn't expect Lily to turn out to be the captain. Very nice trick on the reader's perceptions and biases, bravo.
A decent read, overall. The opening blocks of text were a bit dense to read through but once you get to Lily's part, it flows better. Look forward to the next part. Thanks for writing!